Its Monday Jokes
144 its monday jokes and hilarious its monday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about its monday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Its Monday Short Jokes
Short its monday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The its monday humour may include short monday work jokes also.
- Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar
- A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday. - I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.
- My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
- How do I say I hate you in a nice way? "You are the Monday of my life".
Happy Monday ya'll. - Boss: Can you work this weekend? Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.
Boss: What time will you get here?
Me: Monday. - Valentines Day is on Monday Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
- Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds I have my first shift on Monday.
- I'm going to start brewing beer and name it after the first day of the week. Whenever a 24 or 30 pack is brought to a party they'll say, "Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays".
- I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.
Share These Its Monday Jokes With Friends
Its Monday One Liners
Which its monday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with its monday? I can suggest the ones about monday morning and monday office.
- How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night? Tell them a joke on Monday.
- How many excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Monday January 01, 1900
- A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.
- Diarrhoea Awareness Week starts on Monday Runs until Friday.
- What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday? unemployed.
- I said hello to a feminist today, My trial starts next Monday.
- The worst thing about Friday the 13th Is monday the 16th
- Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping? Apologies to my friends on my chat list...
- I love Mondays... It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.
- One day on venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth
- What do you call people who like Mondays? Retired people.
- I'm financially set for life ...providing I die next Monday
- Why can't Monday get a girlfriend? Because it always comes to fast
- How do you make a blond laugh on monday? Tell her a joke on tuesday
- How to make a blonde laugh at Monday morning? Tell her a joke at Friday night.
Laughter Its Monday Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about its monday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean its friday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make its monday pranks.
Jenga Towers
At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.
So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.
mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".
How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
Mercurian day
So - apparently one day on mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...
In other words - one Earth Monday.
Gladiator's Monday
A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, k**... and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed and defeated.
For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday...
...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.
I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation.
Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.
It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow.
Monday.
What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?
I need to know before my court date on Monday.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Ahh, those were the days...
A good, short oldie to end your Monday
A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"
As a man in his 70s I still manage to have s**... with my wife almost every day...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....
What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
When I was in college, I used to have s**... almost EVERY DAY...
...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
Plans for Easter
Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus..
Wife: What do you mean ??
Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!
A man asks his wife on a Friday evening...
Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?
Wife: Sure, why not?
Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!
I have s**... almost every night!
Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...
I went for a job interview
I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
A guy was nailing his interview
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
A man walks into his office
A man walks into his office cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any n**... photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"
What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays?
The week force.
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
During a job interview, I got the typical question about my greatest weakness.
"Kryptonite."
I start on Monday.
A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"
The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.
Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"
Just as there is a balance of good and evil....
There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
I have s**... almost every day
Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday
My sister turns 42 on Monday
Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.
"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."
When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."
Whats the good thing about living in Houston?
Property values are gonna be higher than Miami on Monday.
My Jewish boss offered me Friday and Monday off work if I convert.
So it's four days off or f**... on.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.
"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."
"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"
"Next Monday."
Monday blues
Dr: what's wrong?
Bob: I'm depressed. I don't think anyone likes me.
Dr:what makes you say that?
Bob:well I had finally had it at work so I gave everyone in the office a box of poisoned candy on friday.
Dr: that's aweful!
Bob: yeah. I know. The worst part is they all still came in to work that Monday
Easter
Wife: What are you doing for Easter?
Hubbie: the same thing Jesus does.
Wife: what do you mean?
Hubbie: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.
Wife: that's amazing. Go ahead you do that and I'll be like Mary.
Hubbie: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant, untouched by my husband.
I've told the wife this Easter I'm going to be like Jesus...
I'll disappear Friday and show up again Monday.
A couple planning their weekend...
Boyfriend: honey, i want to have a great weekend!
Girlfriend: yeah, me too! So see you on monday!
......
I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday
Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week?
Because Monday through Friday are weekdays.
Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'
Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."
The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.
Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?
Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."
A man came to work on a monday morning upon which one of his coworkers asked "looks like you had a rough weekend Michael....
- don't even joke about it, me Chris and James was drinking at a bar and afterwards we went home to Chris' girlfriend and had a t**....
- ....you mean you had a f**...?
- what? Oh no she wasn't home.
I have s**... with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
Rudy Gobert jokes about Coronavirus
Rudy Gobert tested positive for coronavirus. This brought NBA to a halt. On Monday, he had joked about the virus by touching microphones.
Secret to a happy marriage is to go out for dinner twice a week, to flirt and have fun.
Wife goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays
Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.
I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.
On Monday, h**... told 1 lie.
On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, h**... told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-n**... sequence.
Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?
She wished The Weeknd was longer.
I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.
She replied, "Toes Go In First".
My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back
"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"
The stitches come out on Monday.
Great Easter joke I heard today
**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
Husband stayed home all Easter.
My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"
I said, "So, are your wife's b**..., but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f\*c**...,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
I've decided that from next week I'm going to dress as a different bread every day.
Roll on Monday.
My wife gives me head every Monday.
She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.
Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.
At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.
Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.
What happened?
I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.
Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.
Well, she was still wearing them.
Oh, that's even worse.
Yeah, it ruined her whole f**....
Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.
People say its a Case of the Mondays
Tuesday is when you realize it's a preexisting condition
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
A man goes to church to confess his sins.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he tells him
"What is it that you've done, my child?"
"Father, I've had premarital s**... with 6 different beautiful women. One for each day since Monday."
The priest takes a good look at him before replying, "Well, son, say 10 hail Mary's and drink a pint of lime juice."
"Will that absolve my sins, Father?"
"No, but it sure as h**... will wipe that s**... smirk on your face!"
I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.
I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.
My wife's p**... are labelled 'Monday', 'Tuesday', 'Wednesday' ...
My underwear is labelled 'January', February', 'March'...
An old friend of mine married a young girl
As we're not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had s**....
Almost every day, he said.
Almost every day?! I exclaimed.
Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
