The Best 64 Items Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Items jokes. There are some items miscellaneous jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these items possessions puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Items Jokes and Puns

A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

A hobo got robbed

A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.

"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"

"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.

"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"

Items that are made from velcro...

Are such a rip-off.

jokes about items

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"

"Nah, you're ugly"


Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.

Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player

So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

Items joke, So a woman is at a supermarket...

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

Years ago I bought a dress for my wife at a store that sells hard-to-find items.

I asked why I never see her wearing it. She said she can't find it.

A woman is putting her grocery items on the conveyor belt...

A woman is putting her items on the conveyor belt and the clerk sees, a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. The clerk looks at all of the items and says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman, shocked, says "Yes! How do you know this?" The clerk replies with
"It's because you're ugly"

You must be single.

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

You can explore items categories reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean items basket dad jokes. There are also items puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Drunk a grocery store

Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.

He says "You must be single"

The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"

Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

Police report: There was a robbery in the sex shop.

Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time

A girl walks in a store

A girl walks in a store and collects the items she wants to buy.

She walks up to the cashier and places her items on the counter.

The cashier says "I can tell you are single" with a smile on his face.

The girl says "How can you tell?"

"Cause your ugly" says the Cashier.

I went to a store that carried only three items

It was an inconvenience store

Items joke, I went to a store that carried only three items

Slightly adapted for translation

A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:

-Do you have rifles?

-No.

-Do you have shotguns?

-No.

-Pistols?

-No.

Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he runs in and confronts the seller:

-What do you have against black people?!

-Rifles, shotguns, pistols...

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.

He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."

He says, "I am. How did you know?"

She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il

Assistant: Excuse me, a what?

Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler.

Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?


If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.

With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.

You must be single.

A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."

There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'.

So I killed myself.

A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:

'So how are you paying today?'

The dinosaur replies:

'With tyrannosaurus checks.'

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

Items joke, My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

Doubting wife!

My wife has absolutely no confidence in my ability to repair electrical items around the house.

Well, she's in for a shock!

Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items.

Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer.

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."


The blacksmith only sold items he crafted himself. Like his father taught him...

He who smelt it, dealt it.

My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...

I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.

A woman goes to the grocery store

A woman goes to the grocery store. It's a regular Saturday afternoon. At the end of the shopping she is going to the cashier. She puts following items on the conveyor belt: pepper, cucumber, salami, ham, cheese and Oreos. The cashier does his job and scanns the items and then asks: "madam, are you single?". The woman is confused and asks: "yes, how do you know?". The cashier replies: "because you are ugly af."

Where do average items get manufactured?

At the satisfactory...


A woman walks into a supermarket

She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;

"I can tell you're single"

The woman giggles and asks coyly

"Oh what gave that away"

The cashier replies

"Because you're fat"

Case of water - $3.99

Case of Apples - $20.99

Case of Oranges - $25.99

Bag of chips - $2.50

Cigarettes - $8.99

Box of candles - $4.50

Frozen pizzas - $6.50

Asking for a quote of these items - Price List

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.

Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.

A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?

Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

My mom hates when I take kitchen items that she needs and hides it in my room

But its a whisk I'm willing to take

A duck walks into a bar....

He orders a few items from the menu, and decides on what he wants. After awhile the barkeep brings the food to the counter and the duck begins eating.

When the duck gets done, the barkeep asks the duck: How you wanna pay for this today?

The duck says: Put it all on my bill.

[Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration.

I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

So many items are no longer made in America..

I just bought a new tv and the box said built in antenna ...

I don't even know where that is!

A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*

Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.

Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.

Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?

Man: Covid-19

Top 10 household items you can use to get high!

1. Ladder

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocket and puts it in front of the priest.

Father: Don't put stolen items before me.

Thief: But Father, what if he doesn't take the purse back.

Father: Then you can keep it with you.

Thief: Thank you father.

The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

I just got back from a shift at Tesco's..

And while I was working a nice old lady came to my til. I scanned through all her items and it came to Β£56.83, but after counting up all her change she had just shy of Β£40.

So I offered to help her, to which she refused but I eagerly insisted. I thought this is probably someone's Nan, and I'd like to think someone would help my Nan in the same situation.

So after no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves!

A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter a department store

In the middle of the household items aisle he suddenly stops, grabs his dog by the hind legs and swings him around above his head a couple of times.

Alarmed, the assistant manager comes running and exclaims "Sir! Sir! What are you doing?"

"Oh, just looking around", says the blind man

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us.

Nonsense she said.

I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed.

A french man and his wife go shopping in America

As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a bag?"
The man looks at his wife and squints his eyes at her.

"Bag-uette." ("Bag it")

(Made this joke one day while in the shower, friends don't find it as absolutely hilarious as I do, let me know if this joke is the best or if I am just schizo.)

Where does Satan shop for luxury items?

Demon Marcus.

I am so terribly sorry.

Self checkout.

Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?

Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

A man walks into a rough pub near Glasgow docks...

..."here, lads, there's been a big department store fire in town, loads of stock's been written off, I can sort you out with a few things, if you'd like, what're you after?"

After doing the rounds and taking orders for various items of clothing, and even a few bigger items, someone up the back of the pub pipes up, "here, I didn't see anything about a big fire on the news, when was it?"

"Tomorrow".

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"



He says,



"Because you're ugly."

THE crowded restaurant had a sign reading

Not Responsible for Personal Items , so Larry kept checking on his belongings.

Finally his friend said, Larry, you're driving me nuts. Stop watching our coats.

I'm only watching mine, Larry said. Yours was stolen half an hour ago.

Guy is in the store...

...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..

3 bottles of red wine

3 bottles of white wine

2 bottles of champagne

1 bottle of vermouth

4 bottles of vodka

1 bottle of Hennessy

Finally one can of cat food

...when he suddenly hears a mans voice from behind: "I see.... someone's cat has a birthday!!!"

Sean Connery had his dog trained

He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would defecate on the floor.

An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...

He said, I will be dying soon, so I'd like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.

The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.

The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.

She shook her head and said, I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the items supermarket jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working items trinkets piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes