Items Jokes
126 items jokes and hilarious items puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about items that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with this collection of jokes about all of the useless items, stuff, and categories that cashiers must recognize and add up. From onions to pencils to pet rocks, this is a lighthearted look at a mundane task.
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Funniest Items Short Jokes
Short items jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The items humour may include short goods jokes also.
- Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
- Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait
- My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation
- Bilbo was surprised to hear of a Tesco Express opening up in the Shire... It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
- Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
- Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police... I nearly crapped her pants!
- I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us. Nonsense she said.
I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed. - A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items, the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.
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Items One Liners
Which items one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with items? I can suggest the ones about parts and product.
- California is looking to eradicate a once popular item. Apparently it was the last straw.
- What's a bisexual's favourite food item? Chestnuts
- Items that are made from velcro... Are such a rip-off.
- "I don't like to call it the One Ring" "I prefer 'unexpected item in the Baggins area'"
- What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating? Forbiden fruit
- Where do average items get manufactured? At the satisfactory...
- Wanna know the price of an item someone has? Break it.
- Did you hear about that incredibly unbelievable item in the store I didn't buy it
- Velcro is an item of horrible value It's a rip-off!
- What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket
- Where do you file uncategorized rocket items? Under missile-enious.
- Top 10 household items you can use to get high! 1. Ladder
- What item of clothing is essential for a spy? Sneakers
- What's an ants favourite collectible item Antiques
- I went to a store that carried only three items It was an inconvenience store
Menu Items Jokes
Here is a list of funny menu items jokes and even better menu items puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I am opening an Italian style restaurant. Every item on the menu is going to be medication themed.
I am gonna call it.... Big Parma. - What is Jared Fogle's favorite item on the prison food menu? Cheese pizza
- United Airlines adds a new food item to their menu Beet Salad
- I bought a Macbook yesterday It was the most expensive item on the Happy Meal menu
- At the French restaurant I recently visited, my meal was filled with contempt (and cheese!) I could practically taste the hatred of the chef. No wonder the menu item is called "The Crepes of Wrath"
- What is Kevin Spaceys favorite chinese menu item? Sum yung g**...
- h**... could have simply avoided the Holocaust... If he mandated a law for restaurants to include pork/bacon in all menu items.
Household Items Jokes
Here is a list of funny household items jokes and even better household items puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player - Why didn't the household items invite the key to the party? It was too door key.
Cheerful Fun Items Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about items you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lists jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make items pranks.
A woman is buying groceries
A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
So a woman is at a supermarket...
She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.
Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.
The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"
The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."
A woman goes to a supermarket
A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."
Years ago I bought a dress for my wife at a store that sells hard-to-find items.
I asked why I never see her wearing it. She said she can't find it.
A woman brings her items to the resister
A woman brings five chocolate bars, a tub of ice cream, and some pregnancy tests to the counter
Cashier: "Ma'am, I don't think you need those pregnancy tests"
A woman is putting her grocery items on the conveyor belt...
A woman is putting her items on the conveyor belt and the clerk sees, a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. The clerk looks at all of the items and says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman, shocked, says "Yes! How do you know this?" The clerk replies with
"It's because you're ugly"
Where can you find the best Black Friday deals with items at 100% off?
Ferguson!
I can't believe how popular these gluten-free items are getting!!!
They're selling like hot cakes!
You must be single.
A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."
Drunk a grocery store
Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.
He says "You must be single"
The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"
Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"
Fetty Wapp was fired from 3 cashier jobs before turning to rap music
No matter what items were scanned through, the total always came up to $17.38
Police report: There was a robbery in the s**... shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
A girl walks in a store
A girl walks in a store and collects the items she wants to buy.
She walks up to the cashier and places her items on the counter.
The cashier says "I can tell you are single" with a smile on his face.
The girl says "How can you tell?"
"Cause your ugly" says the Cashier.
Slightly adapted for translation
A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:
-Do you have rifles?
-No.
-Do you have shotguns?
-No.
-Pistols?
-No.
Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he runs in and confronts the seller:
-What do you have against black people?!
-Rifles, shotguns, pistols...
One of everything.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il
Assistant: Excuse me, a what?
Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler.
Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?
A german scientist...
...invents a holographic device that tells you the cost of all items in stores, he names it...The Holocost
If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.
With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.
Why do some find the postal service offensive?
Because the postal service assumes items being shipped are male.
Where might a server store items retrieved from a table?
A Universal Serial Bus-tub device
I work at a furniture store. My boss asked me to label and price all the new items.
I said, "Hey boss. How do you want me to label this stone armchair?"
He said, "No man, clay chair."
My grandma could never muster up enough force with her hands to open items in a jar
She suffocated to death on an empty stomach :/
You must be single.
A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."
There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.
That's sofa king nice.
What happened to the guy that started his own business selling items like his used napkins, dirty clothes and dead skin cells?
He became a wealthy Entropy-neur...
...I'll see myself out
Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items!
Number 6 won't shock you
When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'.
So I killed myself.
A dinosaur goes to a supermarket
A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'
I'm opening a store where women can exchange old unwanted items for a breast e**....
Tat-for-t**....
Did you hear about the dyslexic feminist who burnt down a furniture store?
They had a special on mahogany items.
Doubting wife!
My wife has absolutely no confidence in my ability to repair electrical items around the house.
Well, she's in for a shock!
Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items.
Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer.
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
A chef asked a server for some items from the back.
The server returned n**... with a smile and a can of whipped cream, and the chef angrily exclaimed...
"THIS IS NEITHER THE THYME NOR THE PLATES!"
The blacksmith only sold items he crafted himself. Like his father taught him...
He who smelt it, dealt it.
My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
Gameshow
When I was on a game show they asked me to "name the items."
However they seem disappointed when I came up with, "Bob," "Suzy," and "Mike."
A woman arrives home to find that her place has been broken into
Among the items that have been stolen are her jewelry, money, and her collection of expensive lotions. Police come to file a report and ask her if she would possibly know of any suspects. She responds "No officer, I have no idea of who would do this. But whoever it is is one smooth criminal."
What's the Italian word for various types of items
Mussolini-ous
Beds are the most dangerous items in the world
99% of people die on them!
I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...
I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.
My grocery store always has a few items on sale and today they had cheese and soup so I had to buy it
It was a souper gouda deal
A woman goes to the grocery store
A woman goes to the grocery store. It's a regular Saturday afternoon. At the end of the shopping she is going to the cashier. She puts following items on the conveyor belt: pepper, cucumber, salami, ham, cheese and Oreos. The cashier does his job and scanns the items and then asks: "madam, are you single?". The woman is confused and asks: "yes, how do you know?". The cashier replies: "because you are ugly af."
A woman is in line at the grocery store when a very drunk man behind her looks the items in her cart and slurs "you mus' be single...!"
She was set to ignore him when she notices her shopping. There's nothing in her cart that would indicate her relationship status...
Curiosity gets the better of her and she answers him
"I am actually, but, how did you know?"
The drunk straightens up slightly and says "cos you're f**...' ugly...!"
It's actually very easy to become a successful beat boxer. You only need two essential items:
Boots and cats
There are two bad-for-you items on the shelf disguised as health food.
One looks at the other and says "act natural".
A woman walks into a supermarket
She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;
"I can tell you're single"
The woman giggles and asks coyly
"Oh what gave that away"
The cashier replies
"Because you're fat"
One, Two, Three, Four
Items I need to acquire from the store.
I bought two items at the store today and immediately licked both of them.
I had to mail a letter.
Case of water - $3.99
Case of Apples - $20.99
Case of Oranges - $25.99
Bag of chips - $2.50
Cigarettes - $8.99
Box of candles - $4.50
Frozen pizzas - $6.50
Asking for a quote of these items - Price List
Items on heavy discounts are
Very underrated.
Why do some people pay for in-game items even though they can use the money for something else?
**Because it gives them a sense of *Pride* and *Accomplishment* **
Do you know this feeling when you transferred all your items from the washing machine to the dryer and didn't drop a single sock?
Me neither.
What do you call it when Marvel gives an end-of-the-semester test on items we drink out of?
The Stan Lee Cup Finals
I walked up to the really depressed cashier.
He scanned all my items. I said, "So, what's the damage?"
"£42.53," he muttered.
I said, "I was referring to you."
I like my women like I like my Windows folders.
Always on top. And hidden items visible.
(Sorry if this is a repost)
How does the Head of the Vatican pay for his items online?
By using his Papal account.
Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.
They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a certain age.
I'm opening a store that only sells vaults for storing valuable items and high fidelity audio equipment
It's called Safe and Sound.
I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage
they said it's case by case
A woman goes to the store
She buys a cucumber, Greek yogurt, a gallon of milk, 2L Fanta, a loaf of bread, 6 pack of miller lites, can of olives and raisins. She then walks up to the counter places the items in front of the cash register. The cashier looks at the items, looks at her and then back at the items and says "I know you're single". The woman is surprised and laughs "That's crazy! How can you tell just based on my items?!". The cashier replies, "its cause you're ugly"
Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.
Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.
A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash
Cashier: Wanna box for those?
Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?
eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it
For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.
My mom hates when I take kitchen items that she needs and hides it in my room
But its a whisk I'm willing to take
A lady goes to the supermarket
She brings all her items to the cashier who looks at everything closely as he scans them: 6 eggs, two tomatoes, two cucumbers, one onion, and one carton of milk. After the last item he looks to her and says "you're single aren't you?"
She looks from her items back at him incredulously "Yes! How did you know?"
"Because you're ugly"
I've religiously disinfected the groceries in my weekly supermarket delivery
Except for the items I take over to my mother-in-law
A duck walks into a bar....
He orders a few items from the menu, and decides on what he wants. After awhile the barkeep brings the food to the counter and the duck begins eating.
When the duck gets done, the barkeep asks the duck: How you wanna pay for this today?
The duck says: Put it all on my bill.
[Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration.
I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
