Itemized Jokes
100 itemized jokes and hilarious itemized puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about itemized that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Itemized Short Jokes
Short itemized jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The itemized humour may include short jokes also.
- Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
- My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation
- Bilbo was surprised to hear of a Tesco Express opening up in the Shire... It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
- Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
- Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police... I nearly crapped her pants!
- I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us. Nonsense she said.
I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed. - A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items, the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.
- The blacksmith only sold items he crafted himself. Like his father taught him... He who smelt it, dealt it.
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Itemized One Liners
Which itemized one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with itemized? I can suggest the ones about and .
- California is looking to eradicate a once popular item. Apparently it was the last straw.
- What's a bisexual's favourite food item? Chestnuts
- Items that are made from velcro... Are such a rip-off.
- "I don't like to call it the One Ring" "I prefer 'unexpected item in the Baggins area'"
- What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating? Forbiden fruit
- Wanna know the price of an item someone has? Break it.
- Did you hear about that incredibly unbelievable item in the store I didn't buy it
- What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket
- Where do you file uncategorized rocket items? Under missile-enious.
- Top 10 household items you can use to get high! 1. Ladder
- What's an ants favourite collectible item Antiques
- I went to a store that carried only three items It was an inconvenience store
- There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing. That's sofa king nice.
- Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items! Number 6 won't shock you
- What is Jared Fogle's favorite item on the prison food menu? Cheese pizza
Itemized Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about itemized you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make itemized pranks.
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.
Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player
Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.
As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"
Years ago I bought a dress for my wife at a store that sells hard-to-find items.
I asked why I never see her wearing it. She said she can't find it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is putting her grocery items on the conveyor belt...
A woman is putting her items on the conveyor belt and the clerk sees, a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. The clerk looks at all of the items and says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman, shocked, says "Yes! How do you know this?" The clerk replies with
"It's because you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
My wife is kind of lazy
We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.
"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."
"What, play the flute?" I asked.
"No, sit down all day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police report: There was a robbery in the s**... shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Slightly adapted for translation
A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:
-Do you have rifles?
-No.
-Do you have shotguns?
-No.
-Pistols?
-No.
Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he runs in and confronts the seller:
-What do you have against black people?!
-Rifles, shotguns, pistols...
A man walks onto a plane...
... He has a dead rabbit under each arm. The stuardess turns: "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one item of carrion"
One of everything.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il
Assistant: Excuse me, a what?
Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler.
Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?
A buddist monk recently became a street vendor
A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered
"change comes from within"
I took my item up to the counter.
"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."
He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...
I asked, "Are you two an item?"
My local electronics retailer is having a fire sale.
The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 is the hottest item.
If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.
With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.
So an emo teenager went to grocery store.
He went up to the cashier and said, pointing to his scarred arm
"Hey, can you scan this?"
The cashier then scans the arm, only to say,
"I'm sorry sir, but this item is worthless"
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
A dinosaur goes to a supermarket
A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:
'So how are you paying today?'
The dinosaur replies:
'With tyrannosaurus checks.'
Doubting wife!
My wife has absolutely no confidence in my ability to repair electrical items around the house.
Well, she's in for a shock!
Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items.
Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer.
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is Kevin Spaceys favorite chinese menu item?
Sum yung g**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when a person will give you a h**... in return for any physical item?
j**... all trades
Unsuccessful marketers vs successful marketers
Unsuccessful marketer: "This item has no value."
Successful marketer: "This item is priceless."
So I am opening an Italian style restaurant.
Every item on the menu is going to be medication themed.
I am gonna call it.... Big Parma.
I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...
I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.
Even though it's a surplus store, I'm pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.
A single package of 160 AA batteries.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a supermarket
She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;
"I can tell you're single"
The woman giggles and asks coyly
"Oh what gave that away"
The cashier replies
"Because you're fat"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gaming s**... Robot
I brought a s**... robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have s**... with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.
Case of water - $3.99
Case of Apples - $20.99
Case of Oranges - $25.99
Bag of chips - $2.50
Cigarettes - $8.99
Box of candles - $4.50
Frozen pizzas - $6.50
Asking for a quote of these items - Price List
If you wanted to stay completely anonymous, which item of clothing would be the worst to wear?
A dress.
I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage
they said it's case by case
Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.
Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.
A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash
Cashier: Wanna box for those?
Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?
eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it
For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.
My mom hates when I take kitchen items that she needs and hides it in my room
But its a whisk I'm willing to take
[Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration.
I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
A man is shopping without a mask on....
Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*
Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.
Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.
Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?
Man: Covid-19
How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?
Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.
And then another...
And then another...
Add infant item
A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.
The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.
They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants.
Once they ensure that every item of cloths is out of harms way... they take a good look at each other.
"Strange", the girl says, "I didn't think protestants and catholics were THAT different!"
Priest and Thief
A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:
Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.
Father: What is it my son?
Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?
Father : You should return it to him, my son.
Thief takes the purse from his pocket and puts it in front of the priest.
Father: Don't put stolen items before me.
Thief: But Father, what if he doesn't take the purse back.
Father: Then you can keep it with you.
Thief: Thank you father.
I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.
It was a tie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A french man and his wife go shopping in America
As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a bag?"
The man looks at his wife and squints his eyes at her.
"Bag-uette." ("Bag it")
(Made this joke one day while in the shower, friends don't find it as absolutely hilarious as I do, let me know if this joke is the best or if I am just s**....)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where does Satan shop for luxury items?
d**... Marcus.
I am so terribly sorry.
Self checkout.
Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!
A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...
A one ton wonton won ten won.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.
A man walks into a rough pub near Glasgow docks...
..."here, lads, there's been a big department store fire in town, loads of stock's been written off, I can sort you out with a few things, if you'd like, what're you after?"
After doing the rounds and taking orders for various items of clothing, and even a few bigger items, someone up the back of the pub pipes up, "here, I didn't see anything about a big fire on the news, when was it?"
"Tomorrow".
I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.
It is quite the de-vice.
THE crowded restaurant had a sign reading
Not Responsible for Personal Items , so Larry kept checking on his belongings.
Finally his friend said, Larry, you're driving me nuts. Stop watching our coats.
I'm only watching mine, Larry said. Yours was stolen half an hour ago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy is in the store...
...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..
3 bottles of red wine
3 bottles of white wine
2 bottles of champagne
1 bottle of vermouth
4 bottles of v**...
1 bottle of Hennessy
Finally one can of cat food
...when he suddenly hears a mans voice from behind: "I see.... someone's cat has a birthday!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery had his dog trained
He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would d**... on the floor.
An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...
He said, I will be dying soon, so I'd like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.
The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.
The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.
She shook her head and said, I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.
Once, China organized a poll to find out which clothing item was the most popular. Everyone thought it would be shirt.
But taiwan.
An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.
She picks out an item, turns to her husband of forty years and says Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and i can't believe it still fits.
The husband replies Yes honey, you've always liked that scarf.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dog p**...
Two men are walking on the sidewalk until one of them stops.
"Hey, what's that brown thing on the ground?" he asks his friend.
The second man looks closer to the sidewalk. "Huh, looks like dog p**...," he says.
"Are you sure?"
"Hold on." The man leans down and smells the item. "Ugh, it smells like dog p**...."
"Yeah, but are you positive?"
"Hold on." The man picks up the item and licks it. "Augh! It tastes like dog p**...!" He immediately drops it.
"Okay, so it's dog p**...," the first man says. "Good thing we saw it."
"I know," said his friend. "We could have stepped in that."