Item Jokes
98 item jokes and hilarious item puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about item that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These jokes feature household items, blind items, news items, options and wares as elements of comedic writing. This article offers a selection of item jokes perfect for family fun and laughs.
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Funniest Item Short Jokes
Short item jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The item humour may include short product jokes also.
- Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
- Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait
- My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation
- Bilbo was surprised to hear of a Tesco Express opening up in the Shire... It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
- Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
- Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police... I nearly crapped her pants!
- I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us. Nonsense she said.
I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed. - A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items, the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.
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Item One Liners
Which item one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with item? I can suggest the ones about menu and element.
- California is looking to eradicate a once popular item. Apparently it was the last straw.
- What's a bisexual's favourite food item? Chestnuts
- Items that are made from velcro... Are such a rip-off.
- "I don't like to call it the One Ring" "I prefer 'unexpected item in the Baggins area'"
- What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating? Forbiden fruit
- Where do average items get manufactured? At the satisfactory...
- Wanna know the price of an item someone has? Break it.
- Did you hear about that incredibly unbelievable item in the store I didn't buy it
- Velcro is an item of horrible value It's a rip-off!
- What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket
- Where do you file uncategorized rocket items? Under missile-enious.
- Top 10 household items you can use to get high! 1. Ladder
- What item of clothing is essential for a spy? Sneakers
- What's an ants favourite collectible item Antiques
- I went to a store that carried only three items It was an inconvenience store
Item Scanned Jokes
Here is a list of funny item scanned jokes and even better item scanned puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Self checkout. Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!
- Fetty Wapp was fired from 3 cashier jobs before turning to rap music No matter what items were scanned through, the total always came up to $17.38
- I walked up to the really depressed cashier. He scanned all my items. I said, "So, what's the damage?"
"£42.53," he muttered.
I said, "I was referring to you."
News Item Jokes
Here is a list of funny news item jokes and even better news item puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My cashier wife broke the news to me today that she was pregnant; She told me that there was an "unexpected item in the b**... area."
Household Item Jokes
Here is a list of funny household item jokes and even better household item puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player - Why didn't the household items invite the key to the party? It was too door key.
Ridiculous Item Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about item you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean goods jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make item pranks.
I moan every time a cashier checks an item for me
The sound is proportional to the amount. I once bought a house. They heard me three states away
What was the top item on h**...'s grocery list?
Concentrated Juice.
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.
As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"
A single man is in the checkout line at a grocery store...
...and the cashier watches as he places each item on the belt: 1 frozen pizza, 5 TV dinners, 1 bar of soap, and 1 six-pack of Budweiser.
As she takes his money, the cashier looks at the man and says "you must be single, right?"
The man is taken aback. "You can tell that from what I'm buying?" he asks.
The cashier replies, "no, you're just b**...-ugly."
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
My wife is kind of lazy
We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.
"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."
"What, play the flute?" I asked.
"No, sit down all day."
I heard they put a supermarket behind Bilbo's hobbit hole...
Unexpected item in baggins area.
A man walks onto a plane...
... He has a dead rabbit under each arm. The stuardess turns: "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one item of carrion"
What is Jared Fogle's favorite item on the prison food menu?
Cheese pizza
A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase condoms.
After ringing his item up the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag?"
The man responded, "No, she's not that ugly."
What item is forgotten more than any other in hotel rooms?
The tip.
A buddist monk recently became a street vendor
A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered
"change comes from within"
I took my item up to the counter.
"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."
He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...
I asked, "Are you two an item?"
My local electronics retailer is having a fire sale.
The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 is the hottest item.
Do you ever leave a craigslist ad up after you've sold the item just to get that little rush when someone texts you?
Ya me neither.
So an emo teenager went to grocery store.
He went up to the cashier and said, pointing to his scarred arm
"Hey, can you scan this?"
The cashier then scans the arm, only to say,
"I'm sorry sir, but this item is worthless"
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
At the French restaurant I recently visited, my meal was filled with contempt (and cheese!) I could practically taste the hatred of the chef.
No wonder the menu item is called "The Crepes of Wrath"
United Airlines adds a new food item to their menu
Beet Salad
What's the cheapest item of jewelry?
A pearl necklace
What is a terrorists favorite culinary item?
Extra v**... olive oil
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
What item of clothing hates the summer?
Sweaters.
I went to a Halloween party and saw two people wrapped in a barcode.
I asked them " Are you two an item?"
What is Kevin Spaceys favorite chinese menu item?
Sum yung g**...
Just got the 'Oasis' meal deal. A packet of crisps, a bottle of coke and any item from the bakery...
...I got a roll with it.
What do you call it when a person will give you a h**... in return for any physical item?
j**... all trades
Unsuccessful marketers vs successful marketers
Unsuccessful marketer: "This item has no value."
Successful marketer: "This item is priceless."
The airline gate attendant said I was authorized one small personal item.
I had to choose between dignity or self worth.
So I am opening an Italian style restaurant.
Every item on the menu is going to be medication themed.
I am gonna call it.... Big Parma.
My new joke
We were eating lunch at this place that was serving tequila chicken, but after the meal one of the guys questioned picking that particular menu item.
Him: I'm not sure that was chicken at all.
Me: Maybe it was tequila mockingbird.
Pa dum dum dishhh
Wich item asks the most questions in a hardware store?
The 60 watt bulb
A woman is lying dead in a field. One item could have saved her life. What is it?
I'll reply with the right answer if it's not guessed tomorrow.
Even though it's a surplus store, I'm pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.
A single package of 160 AA batteries.
Cups can be a real collector's item.
If you're homeless.
Gaming s**... Robot
I brought a s**... robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have s**... with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.
One, Two, Three, Four
Items I need to acquire from the store.
I saw man and woman wrapped up in a bar code....
...I said "Are you an item?"
I bought a Macbook yesterday
It was the most expensive item on the Happy Meal menu
Items on heavy discounts are
Very underrated.
If you wanted to stay completely anonymous, which item of clothing would be the worst to wear?
A dress.
This Magical item can prove any man guilty of a crime he did not commit
Women's tears
I've been agonising over the disappearance of my favourite item of French headwear for weeks
I really need to beret the hatchet
Whats a l**... favorite school item?
Scissors
What is Emmanuel Macron's favorite item at Macdonald's?
French fries
I lost a really valuable item after a break-in the other night.
My balaclava was blown off in the wind.
Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.
Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.
One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.
But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: h**... - $15'.
The girl asks: 'Can I help?
'Yes,' says the man, 'the h**..., are you the one giving them?'
The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'
The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
A lady goes to the supermarket
She brings all her items to the cashier who looks at everything closely as he scans them: 6 eggs, two tomatoes, two cucumbers, one onion, and one carton of milk. After the last item he looks to her and says "you're single aren't you?"
She looks from her items back at him incredulously "Yes! How did you know?"
"Because you're ugly"
So many items are no longer made in America..
I just bought a new tv and the box said built in antenna ...
I don't even know where that is!
How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?
Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.
And then another...
And then another...
Add infant item
A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.
The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.
They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants.
Once they ensure that every item of cloths is out of harms way... they take a good look at each other.
"Strange", the girl says, "I didn't think protestants and catholics were THAT different!"
When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes ...
I think they were an item.
A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...
A one ton wonton won ten won.
I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.
It is quite the de-vice.
Once, China organized a poll to find out which clothing item was the most popular. Everyone thought it would be shirt.
But taiwan.
An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.
She picks out an item, turns to her husband of forty years and says Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and i can't believe it still fits.
The husband replies Yes honey, you've always liked that scarf.
Dog p**...
Two men are walking on the sidewalk until one of them stops.
"Hey, what's that brown thing on the ground?" he asks his friend.
The second man looks closer to the sidewalk. "Huh, looks like dog p**...," he says.
"Are you sure?"
"Hold on." The man leans down and smells the item. "Ugh, it smells like dog p**...."
"Yeah, but are you positive?"
"Hold on." The man picks up the item and licks it. "Augh! It tastes like dog p**...!" He immediately drops it.
"Okay, so it's dog p**...," the first man says. "Good thing we saw it."
"I know," said his friend. "We could have stepped in that."
