item Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious item puns

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

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Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait

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A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

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California is looking to eradicate a once popular item.

Apparently it was the last straw.

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What's a bisexual's favourite food item?

Chestnuts

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Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

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Guess what it is, Jimmy

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss and asked him, "Do you know what this is?"

The boy replied, "No."

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."

He does so and the teacher asked him, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Jimmy said, "Nooooo."

So the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it's something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

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Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

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Recreational tampons...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

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Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...

And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some illegal item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.

He had been smuggling bicycles.

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I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

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Two spoons...

A man and his wife were seated in a restaurant, when the man noticed that all the waiters carried two spoons in their vest pocket.


Curious, the man asked their waiter the reason for this.


"Well, sir," the waiter explained, "an efficiency study conducted by the management determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item is a spoon. Therefore, all waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."


As the waiter was offering the explanation to the couple, they noticed there was a string hanging out of the fly of his pants.


"What about that?" the man asked, discreetly pointing to the string.


"That, sir, is the result of another efficiency study." the waiter replied.


"When we need to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."


"I understand how you can get yourself out and aim," the man said, "but how do you go about getting yourself back in?"


"I don't know about the other waiters, sir," the waiter replied, "but I use the two spoons!"

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A tourist in Spain...

A wealthy American tourist traveling in Spain goes to a fancy restaurant and requests the most expensive item on the menu. They bring him two large round balls of a very unusual looking meat. He is pleased by the size of the portions, but is wondering what kind of meat it is and asks the waiter. The waiter explains that after a bullfight, the meat is given to various charities, but the testicles of the bull are an incredible delicacy and sold to the finest restaurants. At first he is disgusted, but very curious and not wanting to be rude he takes a bite and is amazed; they're delicious!

A few days later, he decides that it was so good that he returns to the restaurant and orders the same item. "Excellent choice sir!" The waiter exclaims. But when he brings the dish to the man, the portions this time are tiny. "Wait, what?" He asks, clearly upset, "What's this?"

"Well, as you can see," The waiter responds, a little embarrassed, "The bullfighter does not always win."

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

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What do you call it when a person will give you a hand job in return for any physical item?

Jack off all trades

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A couple have just left a party...

A couple have just left a party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car.

The woman wants some fun so strips off her dress to flash at passers-by. In doing so, the boyfriend gets distracted and crashes the car into a nearby ditch.

The naked woman is thrown clear however her boyfriend is stuck in the wreckage. The only item of clothing nearby is her boyfriends shoe so she grabs it to cover her crotch and heads to a nearby garage.

She sees a mechanic and shouts "help! My boyfriends stuck." The mechanic takes one look at the shoe and says "Your going to need a doctor. He's too far in."

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A buddist monk recently became a street vendor

A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered

"change comes from within"

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A boy is struggling with his exams...

He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
"As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
*"I should have studied!!!"*

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So a blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver...

The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".



So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "it's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror.



She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.



"I didn't realize you were a cop".

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An English, and Irishman and a Scotsman...

...are traveling through the desert in a jeep but eventually run out of fuel. They continue the journey by foot but only take 1 item each.
The Englishman takes an umbrella, when asked why he replies, "I can use it to provide shade against the hot sun".
The Scotsman takes the biggest bottle of scotch, when asked why he replies, "To quench my thirst".
The Irishman takes a door from the jeep, when asked why he replies, "When I get to hot, I can just roll down the window".

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At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...

I asked, "Are you two an item?"

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I took my item up to the counter.

"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."

He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."

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I went to a Halloween party and saw two people wrapped in a barcode.

I asked them " Are you two an item?"

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Items that are made from velcro...

Are such a rip-off.

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True Story

The Husband Store:

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

(edited for multifariousness.)

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Three gay guys sit bragging in a bar...

Three gay guys sit bragging about who can take the biggest item up the ass.

The first guy says "I'm so loose I can take an apple!". Second guy says "Pffft. I'm so loose I can take a pineapple". Third guy just smiles and slides down the bar stool.

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My wife is kind of lazy

We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.

"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."

"What, play the flute?" I asked.


"No, sit down all day."

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Gaming Sex Robot

I brought a sex robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have sex with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.

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Unsuccessful marketers vs successful marketers

Unsuccessful marketer: "This item has no value."
Successful marketer: "This item is priceless."

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Did you hear about that incredibly unbelievable item in the store

I didn't buy it

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Even though it's a surplus store, I'm pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.

A single package of 160 AA batteries.

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An American, an Englishman, and a Polish man were driving in the desert...

All of a sudden, the car breaks down. The Englishman says he seen a gas station sign a ways back. So the three decide to troop back to the gas station and see if they have a tow truck. They each grab one item from the car for the long hike.
The Englishman takes case of beer, the American takes a bunch of candy bars, and the Pole takes the driver side door.
After about a mile of walking the Pole says,"Hey English, why did you bring a case of beer?" The Englishman replied, "In case we get thirsty, we we can drink some cold ones." "Good thinking.", said the American.
After the next mile, the Englishman asked, "Hey American, why would you bring a bunch of candy bars?" "In case we get hungry, we can have something in our stomachs." "Good thinking.", said the Pole.
After another mile of walking, the American and the Englishman can't help but look at the Pole struggling with this car door he's carrying.
"Hey Polish, why in the bloody hell would you bring a car door with you?", asked the Englishman.
The Pole shruggs and said,"Well... in case we get too hot we could roll down the window."

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A professor turned up to the class with two rats in a cage..

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went... on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said:
This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:-

"Sir, why don't you change the female rat....?

She may be his wife!!"

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Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a Tesco had been built outside his house...

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

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What are the most funny Item jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Item? Well, here are the best Item dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Item pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes