Italians Jokes

What are some Italians jokes?

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

Why are Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

Why do italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

The invention of sex

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and
Then Greek Says: "We invented sex" The Italian says:"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

Now I know it's the 100 Aniversary of the Titanic and all...

But aren't the Italians going a little far with their tribute

Hitler is in his Bunker

One day, Hitler is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks Hitler, clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies Hitler, "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says Hitler, "then send two divisions."

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"

You know, not all Italians are in the mafia.

Some are in the Witness Protection Program.

Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?

Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".

The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1

Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".

A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!".

An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?"

BANG!

This went on for a while.

"Hey, Luigi!"

"Ya?"

BANG!

It wasn't too long until the Italians figured out what was going on. One of their officers came up with an idea. He said that a lot of Germans were named Hans, and all they had to do was call out "Hey, Hans!" and they'd be shooting Germans, too. It seemed like a good plan so first thing next morning they tried it out.

"Hey, Hans!"

"That you, Luigi?"

"Ya!"

BANG!

Why do Italians wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

No matter how hard it tries, a pollack cannot pose as an Italian

A polish man moves to the USA; it is circa 1920. However, he's having a hard time getting started. Everywhere he goes to get a job he hears "no, we don't hire you dumb pollacks". He is saddened by these blatant stereotypes.

He sees that Italians are succeeding in the new world, and decides he is going to try to pose as an Italian. He spends weeks practicing his accent, learning the culture, and otherwise becoming an Italian.

Once he feels confident he goes into town with his newly adopted persona, and walks into a shop

He yells at the guy behind the counter in a thick italian accent "hey, get me a half pound of your best provolone and full pound of prosciutto"

The man immediately asks "Sir, are you a pollack?"

Disgruntled he goes "....uh, no no, give me my fuckin' meat and cheese"

The man responds "Sir, this is a hardware store."

Where do the poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

What do Italians say when their mother gets lost during a war?

Mama MIA.

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?

Because Italians hate any witnesses.

Why was the Italians cell phone bill so high?

He was always Roman.

I'm sorry.

Long before the Turks invented condoms

The greeks invented sex.

And the italians thought it was so good, they introduced it to women

The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches

An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him.

"Hey, Luigi!"

An Italian looks up and says

"Yeah?"

BANG

After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name.

"Hey-a, John!"

An American shouts back

"Hey! Is that you Luigi?"

The Italian looks up

"Yeah, itsa me!"

BANG

An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.

The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.

Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"

What's accounting?

Something Italians learn in preschool.

Where do impoverished Italians live?

In the spaghetto

Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?

Because they rain supreme.

Why are Italians named Tony

Cause when they were shipped to the US, they were stamped "TO NY" on their foreheads.

Why would Italians make a faithful spy?

Because they won't utter a word when their hands are tied.

Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because on the boat over to America their shirts said To N.Y.

What do pink flamingos have on their front lawns?

Plastic Italians.

Why did the Italians lose the war?

They ordered Ziti instead of shells.

Where did the Italians keep the Jews during WWII?

In the Spaghettos

REQUEST: Jokes about Italians

I vaguely remember a joke about Italians talking with their hands, maybe while driving and/or on cell phones. If anyone remembers a joke like this, I will give them all of my upvote.

Today was the opening World Cup match.

Or as the Italians call it: Thursday

Why do Italians wear necklaces

To show them where to stop shaving.

Italians don't just have style...

...They have pizzazz...

What do Italians eat for holloween?

Fettuccine Afraid-o

Which Nationality always gets locked out of their house?

Italians because they always have gnocchis.

What do you call it when two Italians get in a fight?

Italian beef

What tense do Italians speak in?

Pasta continuous.

I can't stand Italians and their slanty eyes...

...no, wait, *italics*.

Whats an Italians favourite part of football?

Half time, they get to switch sides again

Where do Italians get their stock photos from?

Spaghetti Images

How do Italians say goodbye?

Pasta la vista.

What do the Italians refer to the speaker of their church as?

The pasta.

I wrote a book on Italians diagnosed with Dementia...

It's called "fogettaboudit"

I also wrote a book about Italians being diagnosed with Amnesia,

I called that one "fogottaboudit"

Two Italians having a conversation...

First one says: So i heard that you're good swimmer.
Second one replies: Yeah, i was a postman in Venice for 4 years.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a good representation of all Italians

Not straight.

Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.

Italians are the quietest people,

Hands down.

The Olympics

Austrians: We are the best in Super-G.

Swiss: Pfft, we are better than you.

USA: Shut up, we are the bestest!

Italians: Mamma Mia!

Czechs: Hold my beer and my snowboard.

A friend of mine did not know the difference between Latin and Pig Latin

He just thought Pig Latin was what fat Italians spoke.

(This is actually a true story.)

Why have no Italians ever lost an eating contest at a Thai restaurant?

Because even if they eat less, they can still say its-a Thai! .

What do Italians say about pasta?

Every penne counts!

Why do [Mexicans, Jews, Italians, Blacks, Asians, Samoans, Indians, Jews again, etc.] stink?

So blind people can hate 'em too

When in Rome.

Do as the italians do.

Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse...

... That they call the Pope daddy

You know why Italians hate javohas witnesses?

They dont like any witnesses.

Where do Californian Italians score touchdowns?

In the calzone.

Where do black Italians live?

The spaghetto

What do Italians call the Brazen bull?

The Torturelini

How do you get the Italians to be an effective ally in a world war?

This isn't a joke, I'm asking.

Where did the Russians send the Italians during World War II?

The gabagulag.

Why dont Italians BBQ?

The spaghetti keeps falling through the grill

Where do Italians find coupons?

In the Penne-Saver.

How to make Italians jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Italians to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Italians? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Italians pick up lines to share with friends.

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