italians Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious italians puns

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

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An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

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Why are Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

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Why do italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides

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Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

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The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

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The invention of sex

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and
Then Greek Says: "We invented sex" The Italian says:"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

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Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

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Heaven is...

... where the police are British,
the cooks are Italian,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are French
and it is all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German,
the cooks are English,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and it is all organised by the Italians.

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What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

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European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven the soldiers are British, the food is French, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell the soldiers are French, the food is British, the lovers are German and everything is organized by the Italians.

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Now I know it's the 100 Aniversary of the Titanic and all...

But aren't the Italians going a little far with their tribute

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Why don't Italians like Jehova's Witnesses?

*Italians don't like... no witnesses.*

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Hitler is in his Bunker

One day, Hitler is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks Hitler, clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies Hitler, "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says Hitler, "then send two divisions."

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Two Italians get on a bus:

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Two Italians enter the bus in New York...

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

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You know, not all Italians are in the mafia.

Some are in the Witness Protection Program.

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European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven: the chefs are Italian, the lovers are French, the mechanics are German, the policemen are English, and it is all organized by the Swiss.

In Hell: the chefs are English, the lovers are Swiss, the mechanics are French, the police are German, and it is all organized by the Italians.

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The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?

Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".

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Heaven and Hell

Heaven is when...

The English greet you at the door

The French cook the meal

The Italians entertain you

And the Germans plan everything

Hell is when...

The French greet you at the door

The English cook the meal

Tye Germans entertain you

And the Italians plan everything

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Why do Italians wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

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So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1

Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".

A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!".

An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?"

BANG!

This went on for a while.

"Hey, Luigi!"

"Ya?"

BANG!

It wasn't too long until the Italians figured out what was going on. One of their officers came up with an idea. He said that a lot of Germans were named Hans, and all they had to do was call out "Hey, Hans!" and they'd be shooting Germans, too. It seemed like a good plan so first thing next morning they tried it out.

"Hey, Hans!"

"That you, Luigi?"

"Ya!"

BANG!

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Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?

So they know where to stop shaving

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No matter how hard it tries, a pollack cannot pose as an Italian

A polish man moves to the USA; it is circa 1920. However, he's having a hard time getting started. Everywhere he goes to get a job he hears "no, we don't hire you dumb pollacks". He is saddened by these blatant stereotypes.

He sees that Italians are succeeding in the new world, and decides he is going to try to pose as an Italian. He spends weeks practicing his accent, learning the culture, and otherwise becoming an Italian.

Once he feels confident he goes into town with his newly adopted persona, and walks into a shop

He yells at the guy behind the counter in a thick italian accent "hey, get me a half pound of your best provolone and full pound of prosciutto"

The man immediately asks "Sir, are you a pollack?"

Disgruntled he goes "....uh, no no, give me my fuckin' meat and cheese"

The man responds "Sir, this is a hardware store."

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Where do the poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

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European Heaven (In honour of Berlusconi, enjoy your ban)

In the European Heaven: The police is British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the Italian are the lovers, and everything is run by the Swiss.





In European Hell: The police is German, the cooks are British, the mechanics are French, the Swiss are the lovers, and everything is run by the Italians.

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Heaven is Where...

* The Police are British,
* The Chefs are Italian,
* The Mechanics are German,
* The Lovers are French and
* It's all organized by the Swiss.


Hell is Where:

* The Police are German,
* The Chefs are British,
* The Mechanics are French,
* The Lovers are Swiss
and
* It's all organized by the Italians.

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What do Italians say when their mother gets lost during a war?

Mama MIA.

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Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?

Because Italians hate any witnesses.

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I haven't seen this one here, so why not.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL

by George Carlin

In HEAVEN . . .

The Italians are the lovers,

The French cook the food,

The Swiss run the hotels,

The Germans are the mechanics,

And the English are the police.


In HELL . . .


The Swiss are the lovers,

The English cook the food,

The French run the hotels,

The Italians are the mechanics,

And the Germans are the police!

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Why was the Italians cell phone bill so high?

He was always Roman.

I'm sorry.

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Long before the Turks invented condoms

The greeks invented sex.

And the italians thought it was so good, they introduced it to women

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What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss


In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

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Two Italians having a conversation..

A bus stops and two Italian gentlemen get on.


They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."


"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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What are the most funny Italians jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Italians? Well, here are the best Italians dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Italians pick up lines to share with friends.

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