Italian Mother Jokes
23 italian mother jokes and hilarious italian mother puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about italian mother that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Italian Mother Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good italian mother joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
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I'm pretty sure Jesus was Italian
Because only an Italian mother could think her son was a god.
And only an Italian son could think his mother was a v**....
The Italian Mother
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Foot And A Half
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a v**.... So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.
Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!
Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.
This is a job for Mama.
What do Italians say when their mother gets lost during a war?
Mama mia.
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Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?
He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a v**... and she thought he was the son of God.
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A Comparison of the Different Languages
**French**: This chair is feminine. "La Chaise"
**Italian**: This chair is feminine! "La Sedia"
**German**: This chair is masculine. "Der Stuhl"
**English**: This chair is an object, I don't see how it has a gender.
**Japanese**: If you don't pronounce chair exactly right, you'll end up calling your mother a pair of rotten t**... instead.
When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.
I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.
"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"
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Why are south italian men so small?
Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work"
*Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there
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GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Why did the Italian allergen dislike it's mother's sister?
Because it's auntie ista mean!
Some things make Italian mothers telepathic
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
Her mother tried to warn her
Mrs Napolitano was not at all happy about her only daughter marrying a Greek fellow, particularly since she was only sixteen and hadn't dated anyone else, like some of the nice Italian fellows in the neighborhood.
But her daugher was in love with the guy, so what could she do?
So she gave her daughter her blessing and one warning: "If you're in bed with him, and he asks you to turn over, DON'T!". And the daughter promised she would remember, and NEVER turn over.
So fast forward about three months into the happy marriage and the couple are canoodling in bed when the husband says: "Honey, why don't you turn over now?"
But Mrs. Napolitano's daughter remembers her Mom's warning and says quite firmly "NO! I don't want to!"
Whereupon the husband says "I don't understand, honey - don't you want to have a baby?"
An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams...
An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother.
So he calls his mother, "Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to met her, but since you think you know me so well I'm gonna bring 3 girls home and I want you to try to figure out which one I'm gonna marry"
So that Sunday the man brings 3 beautiful women to dinner. They enjoy the meal together and the mother starts to clean up the dishes. The son follows her into the kitchen and confronts her, "So ma, which one of these girls am I gonna spend the rest of my life with? Which one of these girls am I gonna marry?"
"The one in the middle," says the mother
The man is shocked, "That's the one! I gotta know how you knew, ma?"
"Outta the three girls, that's the one I don't like"
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Oldie but goodie: A Jewish man and an Italian woman got married.
Both were virgins, and both were so innocent when it came to the subject of s**.... On the wedding night, they just weren't sure how it all works. So the man decided to call his mother to get a few pointers. But she simply says, "Look, son, just get undressed, then undress her. You'll know what to do. Trust me."
The newlyweds get undressed, but they are still confused. So the man calls his mother again. Frustrated, she says, "Just stick the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her!"
A few minutes later, the mother's phone rings again.
"I've got my nose in her armpit. Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God enjoys a good laugh!!
(found on my FB newsfeed)
**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**
* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**
* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**
* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**
* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**
* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**
* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.
**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**
* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**... Dog
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Father Knows Best!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just got this in an email: The ITALIAN f**......
The ITALIAN f**......
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked
and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in
the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. She didn’t survive either."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"
As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home.
Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions.
Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
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Italian Mother One Liners
Which italian mother one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with italian mother? I can suggest the ones about italian women and mamma.
- What do Italians say when their mother gets lost during a war? Mama MIA.
- Why did the Italian allergen dislike it's mother's sister? Because it's auntie ista mean!