Italian Man Jokes
98 italian man jokes and hilarious italian man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about italian man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Italian Man Short Jokes
Short italian man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The italian man humour may include short italian father jokes also.
- Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian? He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.
- My great grandfather told me a joke from his time in WW2 A German man, a Japanese man and an Italian man walk into a BAR.
- An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop... The barista asked what he wants, and he replies "Affogato".
- One time, I carried out an entire conversation with a man by speaking to him in Spanish while he spoke to me in Italian It was the most romantic conversation I've ever had
- An Italian tells a magical door, "Open!" "Says who?" Asks the door. The man replies, "Open, says-a me!"
- gotta love cousins... what do you call a hispanic man who's car got jacked? Carlos.
what do you call the italian man who stole it? Carmine. - An Italian man was having trouble growing his beard. So he did some research and found out he was native American.
So now when asked about his beard he says
"Eh.. It's just apache" - What did the half-Japanese half-Italian man say when he was handed a bowl of pasta? Arigatoni.
- Why did the Italian man insist on eating spaghetti with the local Bible college? It was his favorite pastor source.
- Super Mario is the most diverse video game character. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
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Italian Man One Liners
Which italian man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with italian man? I can suggest the ones about italian people and italian chef.
- Where did the poor Italian man grow up? The spaghetto
- "Emma Stone" An Italian man telling you he's high.
- The old Italian man didn't die. He pasta way.
- Did you hear about the old Italian man? I heard he pasta way.
- What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner? Forgetti Bolognese.
- What did the Italian asparagus say to the man trying to kill him? Aspargi
- What did the Italian man say to the poor British man using the restroom? European
- What do you call a jamaican who has a fond taste for italian food A Pasta-man
- What does the Italian PAC-MAN say? Woppa Woppa Woopa
- Why does the disinterested Italian man have perfect skin? Because he's aloof-a
- There was an Italian man that couldn't speak after WWII His arms were amputated.
- Why is Iron Man Italian? Because to get him you have to rig-a-tony..
- How many pillows does a Mexican-Italian man sleep with. Juan Pirlo
- TIFU by serving a hasidic man a footlong Italian BMT. Oops, wrong sub.
- Did you hear the one about the Italian con man? It turns out he was an im-pasta.
Cheerful Fun Italian Man Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about italian man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean italian women jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make italian man pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the f**..., the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home.
Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions.
Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"
Two guys always catch the train to work together;
one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"
Inspiration.
A priest sees a young man walk into his church. He's downtrodden, shabby-looking, obviously in distress.
"My son, what's troubling you?"
"Oh, Father, I'm at my wit's end. I got fired, the bills are piling up, my credit cards are maxed out, I'm about to lose everything. I don't know what to do!"
"Take heart, my son" the priest says. "All shall be well in the fullness of time. Go to a nice, quiet park, where you can be at one with nature. Set your bible on a table, contemplate your trials and tribulations, and wait for the wind to flip the pages of your good book. Read what it says there, and you shall find your inspiration."
The man leaves, and the priest does not see him for several weeks. Then one day, the young man pulls up to the church driving a new Porsche, wearing an expensive Italian designer suit, obviously on top of the world.
"My goodness, son, you've certainly turned your life around!"
"Yes, Father, and I owe it all to you! I did what you said-when I looked at my bible, I knew I had found the answer!"
"That's wonderful, son. But if I may ask, what was it that you read?"
"Chapter 13."
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Just got this in an email: The ITALIAN f**......
The ITALIAN f**......
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked
and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in
the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. She didn’t survive either."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Bring me back a nice Italian girl
A man is dropping off his wife, who's being sent on a business trip to Italy, at the airport. Before saying his goodbyes, he quips "Now be sure to bring me back a nice Italian girl." A week later, he's back at the airport to pick her up. After kissing her hello, he says "So did you get me that nice Italian girl?" to which the wife responds "Well I did my best, but we're going to have to wait 9 months to find out if it's a girl."
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THE MAN of the Italian house
Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._
Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of s**... that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f**...' f**... director would be my first guess"
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
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No matter how hard it tries, a pollack cannot pose as an Italian
A polish man moves to the USA; it is circa 1920. However, he's having a hard time getting started. Everywhere he goes to get a job he hears "no, we don't hire you dumb pollacks". He is saddened by these blatant stereotypes.
He sees that Italians are succeeding in the new world, and decides he is going to try to pose as an Italian. He spends weeks practicing his accent, learning the culture, and otherwise becoming an Italian.
Once he feels confident he goes into town with his newly adopted persona, and walks into a shop
He yells at the guy behind the counter in a thick italian accent "hey, get me a half pound of your best provolone and full pound of prosciutto"
The man immediately asks "Sir, are you a pollack?"
Disgruntled he goes "....uh, no no, give me my f**...' meat and cheese"
The man responds "Sir, this is a hardware store."
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Father Knows Best!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
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Luigi the Fisherman
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one little old Italian man. The game warden asked Luigi how he did it.
Luigi said, "Comma down tomorrow...we go fish"
Once they got to the middle of the lake Luigi took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the e**... fish started floating to the top of the water He took out a net and started picking up the best ones.
"Luigi!" said the game warden, "You know that's i**...!" "I'm going to have to arrest you now."
Luigi took out another stick of dynamite, lit it and handed it to the game warden and said,
"Hey! are you gonna talk or fish?"
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Wise Italian Grandfather.
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
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A Foot And A Half
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a v**.... So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.
Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!
Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.
This is a job for Mama.
A young man was sent to prison,
Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable.
The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday".
The older man asked "Do you like movies?" The young man replied, "yes, I love watching a good movie" the older man replied "that's great, Tuesday is movie night."
Next the old man asked "Do you like Italian food?" The young man replied "yes, that's actually my favorite". The old man replied "Wonderful, on Wednesdays its Italian food night in the cafeteria".
Lastly the old man ask "Son, are you a homosexual?" The young man replied "No sir, I have a wife on the outside. The older man replied "Well young man, you're not going to enjoy Thursday nights."
Spaghetti.
A man has an affaire with an italian woman, and gets her pregnant by accident.
Because the man didn't want to hurt his reputation or his marriage he made a deal with the woman. He would financially take care of the kid from birth to the baby's 18th birthday if she would move to Italy and have the baby there.
The woman agreed, but she asked how the man would know when the baby was born. He told the woman to send a postcard with just the word "Spaghetti" when the baby was born and he would make sure to start sending money.
9 months go by and the mans wife comes inside and mentions a very strange postcard from Italy came in the mail for him and hands it to him.
The man reads the postcard and faints.
His worried wife picks up the postcard which reads "5x Spaghetti, 3 with meatballs and 2 plain. Send extra sauce."
(My apologies for any erroneous spelling and/or grammar.)
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An Italian soccer player walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar. He says: *Ouch* .
An Italian soccer player walks into a bar. He **SCREAMS IN PAIN, CLUTCHING HIMSELF IN AGONY YELLS AT PEOPLE NEARBY AT RANDOM TO CALL THE POLICE, CONTINUES SCREAMING FOR MINUTES ON END, UNTIL HE FINALLY FAINTS VIOLENTLY.**
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The Godfather
An old Italian man was dying, so he called his grandson to his bedside: g**..., I wan' you to lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
But grandpa, I really don't like guns... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?
You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife. Lotsa money. A big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Confession...
An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the n**.... So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with s**... favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The Three Construction Workers
Three construction workers were at lunch one day, a Mexican, an Italian, and a Blonde man. While eating, the Mexican says "I love my wife, but if she makes me one more burrito for lunch, I swear I will jump off this building!" The Italian man joins in as well "I agree, my friend, I have been eating her pizza every day for 10 years! I will join you if my wife makes me this for lunch again!" Then the Blonde man pipes in, saying "Me too! I don't want another bologna sandwich, so count me in!"
The next day, sure enough the Mexican man gets his burrito, the Italian his pizza and the Blonde a bologna sandwich. So they wrote a note, and in unison, keeping with their oath they hurl themselves off the top of the skyscraper!
At the f**..., the wives of the Mexican man and the Italian man were both very sad, wishing they had known they could have prevented their deaths. But the blonde mans wife was upset like the others, so they asked her why she wasn't sad. She responded "Hey, don't look at me. He made his own lunch."
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7 mildly offensive jokes
**What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? **
A speech impediment.
**What's the Cuban National Anthem? **
Row row row your boat.
**What's the fastest way to a man's heart? **
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
**Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a r**... baby? **
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
**Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? **
Because those men already have boyfriends.
**What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? **
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
**What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? **
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oldie but goodie: A Jewish man and an Italian woman got married.
Both were virgins, and both were so innocent when it came to the subject of s**.... On the wedding night, they just weren't sure how it all works. So the man decided to call his mother to get a few pointers. But she simply says, "Look, son, just get undressed, then undress her. You'll know what to do. Trust me."
The newlyweds get undressed, but they are still confused. So the man calls his mother again. Frustrated, she says, "Just stick the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her!"
A few minutes later, the mother's phone rings again.
"I've got my nose in her armpit. Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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There's an Italian in a language class.
"Today we are learning about similes and metaphors. Can anyone give me an example" says the tutor.
A Spaniard pipes up "My wife dances salsa like a goddess"
Then a french man has his turn "My wife has p**... like a forest"
The Italian guy likes how this language works, so he has a try "I met a woman last week, Her eyes where like stars in the sky. Her hair was like soft velvet. She had a body like a supermodel" the tutor cuts him off there seeing that he could go on for ages "could someone give us an example of a metaphor now?"
"Well I was getting to that" says the Italian. "She was so fine I had to ask her out, And yesterday I met 'er for lunch".
I think it's from an old British comedy show, when TV was racist, but I'm not sure.
A black man, an italian and a Jew are at a hospital.
They are all waiting for their wives in the delivery room.
The doctor comes out and tells them that they accidentally got the 3 babies mixed up and that the three men will have to go in and decide which one is theirs.
The Italian man immediately says "I'll go in first," and rushes into the delivery room. He comes out with a black baby.
The black man stands up and says "Now I KNOW that's my baby." The Italian man responds "There's a chance that either of those other babies could be Jewish and I'm not taking that chance."
An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams...
An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother.
So he calls his mother, "Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to met her, but since you think you know me so well I'm gonna bring 3 girls home and I want you to try to figure out which one I'm gonna marry"
So that Sunday the man brings 3 beautiful women to dinner. They enjoy the meal together and the mother starts to clean up the dishes. The son follows her into the kitchen and confronts her, "So ma, which one of these girls am I gonna spend the rest of my life with? Which one of these girls am I gonna marry?"
"The one in the middle," says the mother
The man is shocked, "That's the one! I gotta know how you knew, ma?"
"Outta the three girls, that's the one I don't like"
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An italian, a scot, and a chinese man start their first day working at a construction site...
...so, for their first task, their boss shows them this enormous pile of sand, and tells them they need to move it from point A to point B in two hours.
"You," says the boss, pointing to the italian, "will shovel the sand."
"You," he says to the scot, "will sweep after him."
"and you," he says to the chinese man, "will be in charge of keeping the supplies in check."
The boss comes back, two hours later, and the pile of sand hasn't budged.
"What happened?" he asks.
"The chinese man ran off with the supplies, and we couldn't find him!" the italian and scot both say.
"Seriously?" the boss says.
The boss then approaches the pile of sand, when the chinese man leaps out of it and says "**SUPPLIES!**"
(If you didn't get it, say the last sentence out loud.)
Someone with a thick Italian accent walks up to a man and says "I really like europeanness."
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Three guys see a European man stretching across a lawn...
The First says: "That guy looks like Swede."
The Second says: "No no no, he is definitely Italian."
The Third says: "C'mon guys! He's definitely a SpanYard!"
I'll see myself out.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Japanese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman says to the Italian "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Asian "You're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while." Later when the foreman returns he sees Nothing's done. He says to the Italian "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" "I no gotta broom. You tella da guy he inna charge of a supplies, but he go an I could no finda him!" Then asks the Scot "Didn't I tell you to shovel?" "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I couldna get meself a shovel. I canna find where the supplies man is aboot!" The foreman is really angry now and storms off looking for the Asian. Just then the Japanese guy springs out and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
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A homeless man...
A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He pulled out a think w**... of $100 bills, and held it out to the homeless man. The homeless man was shocked. The man pulled off the rubber band from the w**..., and handed the band to the homeless man and said "Y'know, you could use this to keep your shoes from flopping around everywhere like that."
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An american, a Frenchman, and an Italian are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes of conversation, the American brags, "Last night, I made love to my wife 4 times. The next morning she said she could never love a man as much as she loved me."
The Frenchman scoffs and says, "That's nothing, last night I made love to my wife 7 times. The next morning she said I was the greatest lover she's ever had."
Being c**..., the Frenchman asks the Italian, "What did your wife say to you this morning?"
The Italian replied, "Don't stop"
An Italian man goes to a cake shop
He asks for a cake that looks like a stack of pizzas, the shop owner says "No problem, I can have that done by the end of the day."
"The end of the day? That soon? I thought it would take at least a week."
"It'll be a pizza cake."
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Three spies are captured in london
One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of t**... he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of t**... they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of t**... and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"?
Then the Italian man says,
"I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".
An italian man walks into a mental hospital with salad.
Man : IT'S GETTING CAPRESE IN HERE
What did the man say after his girlfriend dumped him at an Italian Restaurant?
"That's OK. Olive."
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What do you call a homeless Italian man?
Giovanni Change
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How do you keep an Italian man quiet?
You tie his hands up.
An English man, German, french and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
A man goes to an Italian fish market and asks for a cut of salmon.
The man behind the counter asks, "fillet?"
"Nah, for eat."
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Italian guy on a bus
Sitting on a bus in New York, a prim old lady was shocked to overhear an Italian say to another, "Emma come-a first. I come-a next. Two a**...-a come-a together. I come-a again. Two a**...-a come-a together again. I come-a once more. p**... twice. Then I come-a for the last time."
When the Italian was finished, the red faced old maid turned to a policeman sitting nearby and said, "Are you not going to arrest that terrible old man?"
"What for?" asked the policeman. "For spelling Mississippi?"
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An old Italian man is dying and calls for his son
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatda you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'
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An italian man j**... off into a toilet
He committed ginocide.
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Did You hear about the Italian mob boss who had a famous Broadway star assassinated in an e**...?
He told his hit man to rigatoni.
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Guy demands a pound of Polish sausage
A man walks up to a counter and asks for a pound of Polish Sausage! The clerk looks at the man and says wow... you must be Polish.
The man says how dare you sir! You're a racist! Do I have to be Italian to eat Italian sausage...? Do I have to be Jewish to eat kosher beef...? Can only Germans drink German beer...?
The clerk responds well no... but this is Home Depot.
A man walks into a buffet...
He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
A man with a disorder that makes him urinate randomly is talking to another man with an Italian accent.
He is confused by his accent and asks what nationality he is. The Italian man replies, European!
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Today I saw an Italian man commit s**......
...His last words were Pasta La Vista
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What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash?
You need a toupee!
Joke said by italian plumber
A man ask his woman: honey, tell me a thing that makes me happy and sad at the same time.
She thinks for a while then:
you're the most gifted of all your friends.
An extremely Italian man sees a doctor about his eating disorder
Doctor, I need your advice: I stress eat soppressata to suppress'a my feelings
What's the most painful part for an Italian man when his mama dies?
Cutting the umbilical cord.
Space man trivia
What does a white man in space call himself? An astronaut.
What does a black man in space call himself?
An astronaut.
What does an Italian man in space call himself?
A specimen.
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An Italian went to church to admit his sins.
When the father opened the confessional's window, man stated talking:
-Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
Father answered:
-Well, that's bravery and not sin.
The man continued:
-But it wasn't just that. I started to collect "rent" in form of s**.... First once a week, but eded up to every day and twice on Sundays.
Father said:
-That time meny people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.
The man still continued:
-Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over.
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People say mario is "unrealistic"
but if an Italian man jumped on my head I would die and he would be entitled to any coins I have
A man walked by a restaurant in London
He noticed all the customers drinking tea in saucers.
He asked one of them as to why he was drinking tea in a saucer.
With tears in his eyes, he replied, The Italians have taken away our cup"
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An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company's money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won't tell them a single word.
After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn't going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.
At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn't just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.
The Italian responds, How could I? Those rascals had t**... my hands!
