It Specialist Jokes
88 it specialist jokes and hilarious it specialist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about it specialist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest It Specialist Short Jokes
Short it specialist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The it specialist humour may include short specialist jokes also.
- I asked a road-kill removal specialist if he would donate to my charity. He said he might be able to scrape together a few bucks.
- Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night? He was an on-call-ogist
- So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job... ...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem.
- What's the difference between young and experienced specialists? Young specialist doesn't know how to work, and the experienced knows how not to work.
- The machine we use to weigh heavy machinery broke today and we had to call in specialists from all over the world to fix it It was a large scale operation
- "Honey I'm home!', says a girl to her boyfriend. "Where have you been?"
"I went to the beauty specialist!"
"Wasn't she there?" - I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost my case.
- How many IT specialists does it take to change a lightbulb? SUPPORT TICKET CLOSED: Lightbulb already installed.
- Did you hear about the new soap opera that only has specialists? It's called "Specific Hospital"
- How much do you pay a circumcision specialist? However much you want... they work on tips.
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It Specialist One Liners
Which it specialist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with it specialist? I can suggest the ones about doctor specialist and it engineer.
- What do you call a Russian IT specialist? Mr. Switchitonanov
- Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back.
- Got terrible back ache so I'm seeing my Egyptian specialist later. He's a cairopractor.
- Most lists are general and ordinary But there are a couple specialists.
- I should become a bomb specialist... It's a booming industry.
Heh. - why was the Afghani dude searching for a child specialist? His wife was ill.
- Why is a computer security specialist's favorite breakfast food? Salted hash.
- The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation.
- What is the road to madness called by medical specialists? A psycho path.
- Where does a cow go when he is so upset he doesn't feel like talking? A moo'd specialist.
- What do you call a teeth specialist who writes books? An author-dontist
Wahey! - What do you need when you have ED? A specialist
- What's the most threatened career in Trudeau's Canada? Pain specialists
- What do you call a smelly IT person? A com-P-U-ter specialist.
- Become a pro sports specialists
It Specialist Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about it specialist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean technician jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make it specialist pranks.
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
Inner city youths
After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of a car in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the Mc Laren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the inner city youths as most races could be won or lost in the pits.
the first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the Mc Laren team boss noticed a real problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!.
A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...
He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"
Two different doctors
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined by his regular doctor within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his regular doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
What is the name of a person who is a specialist in giving Blow jobs?
...Headmaster
In a sports relay race, a chemical kinetics specialist runs slowly, and his group loses the race.
When the chemical kinetics specialist is asked why he ran slowly, his reply was Well, I always wanted to be the significant rate determining step .
Baseball & Football -George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls.
Britain had sent Stuart Hall, rolf harris and Max Clifford.
An immigrant couple are trying for a baby...
and not having any luck. After months of trying and failing to get pregnant the wife finally visits a fertility specialist. The doctor examines her and when he is finished he looks grave.
He says "I'm sorry to tell you this but you have an deficient eggs. If you have a baby it will be a miracle."
The woman is devastated. Her spirts low, she returns home to break the news to her husband.
When she arrives she tells him withe her thick accent "Ze doctor says I haffa de fish eggs, and if I have a baby its gonna be a mackerel"
The Circumcision Surgeon
A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.
Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir.
He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them.
A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet.
"All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon.
The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you s**... it, it becomes a briefcase."
[Dad joke] A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea
He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea.
Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again.
The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says
"Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."
[This is my dad's favorite joke]
Topical Jokes for 1/6
A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea's definition of cyber attack specialist is anyone who's ever watched The Matrix.
...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message Please. Help me get out of North Korea.
In Mexico, a vicious drug cartel forced some members to eat human hearts. Ex-members of the cartel who were forced to eat hearts have formed a class action, and are suing the cartel for 100 million kilos of c**....
In Florida, a man brought a five-month-old baby to an attempted burglary. The man has been offered a reduced sentence, if he agrees to testify against the baby.
A New Kind of Speech Therapy
So there is a twelve year old boy who has never uttered a sound. He just DOESN'T speak. His mother has spent a fortune on various doctors, but no success.
One day she meets an old friend who's child had a similar problem. She suggested a certain specialist who might be able to help, but she said "I have to warn you, his methods are a little frightening!".
The woman takes her son to this new doctor, and he gives the boy a complete physical examination. At one point the Doc asks the boy to drop his shorts, and close his eyes. The boy does so, and the doctor grabs the boys t**... and twists them.
The boy screams out "AAAAAAYYYY!!!"
The doctor says "Good. Tomorrow we work on B!".
A s**...-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...
He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".
The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures her, saying all the doctors are doing it but they're still working out standardized names.
Just then a patient walks up looking a little embarrassed. The specialist asks her what's wrong, and she says she's been referred to him by another doctor for a procedure. The specialist guides her to a chair and asks her for clarification.
The woman blushes and stammers "I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, but I'm here for my addadictome."
________________________________________
(If you don't get it, try reading it out loud).
*edited for clarity*
My wife was pregnant with our third child...
My wife was pregnant with our third child. Long story short, we had been having some complications and had been seeing a special Ob/Gyn but everything seemed to be going fine. Except my wife went into labor just a little early by just a couple weeks. We called our doctor's office, and of course, our specialist was unavailable, so we got patched in to whatever B-Team doctor they had available that evening. He got on the phone and I told him we believed my wife was going into labor, and that we were a little concerned about how early it was.
He asked, "Is this her first child?"
I responded, "No, this is her husband."
A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy
Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"
Marvel at this joke.
What do you call an Asgardian instrument specialist with an attitude problem?
A Thor Luthier.
[DIRTY] Eye exam
Eye specialist: "Sir, you need to stop m**...."
Patient: " Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?"
Eye specialist: "No. It's disturbing the other patients."
Guy calls to HR:
- Hi. I'd like to discuss IT security specialist position at your company.
- Ok. Send your CV, please.
- You already have it at your desktop.
So a network specialist comes up to me and says "do you wanna here a joke?"
There was a Linux error
A SEO specialist walks into a bar...
Pub, tavern, hostelry, Inn, coach house, restaurant, watering hole, speakeasy...
Eyes Specialist
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Soldier?
He used specialist Tic-Tacs to infiltrate the enemy base.
What do you call it when a specialist on reptiles accidentally lets loose a venomous snake?
A h**... derp.
Did you hear the one about the young bone specialist?
He just opened his office and only needed a good break to get started.
What do an interrogation specialist and a drug cartel have in common?
They're both good at making people crack!
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years
to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.
"That must be expensive," Bob replied.
"He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.
"$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.
"I don't know. That's his problem."
Business lessons: Ending your contract with a specialist logistics company in favour of going with the lowest bidder is...
One of the Bidvest mistakes you can make.
Why did the man fail to apply to become a circumcision specialist?
He missed the cut off date
Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?
He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the h**... again
He got a referral from his doctor to a specialist
Him: I was told you can help me with my anhidrosis
Doctor: That would be no sweat
Went to an eye specialist because I couldn't read fluently
The doctor told me "Son, I have bad news for you and for what I see, you will have to deal with this condition since we don't have a cure for it" and proceded to hand me a paper with my results. I was extremely happy with it!
How can it be bad news having daylisex for life?
3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.
The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?
An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...
An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...
He's in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.
Doc: I apologize for your wait.
Man: Don't, *I'm* the one that can't stop eating.
What does a Machine Learning specialist and a Fashion Designer have in common?
They both specialize in curve-fitting
Life vests no longer allowed on flights.
Security specialists found out that they can blow up.
How many tech support specialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That all depends.
Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?
An old woman walks into a dentist's office, takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs...
The dentist, flabbergasted, tells the lady that he thinks she's at the wrong type of specialist.
The old lady replies, "Last week you put in my husband's new teeth. Now you have to take them out."
Did you hear about the British chap who was just as adept with social niceties as with troubleshooting network systems and software?
He was an 'igh tea specialist.
Engineers solving a problem
A guy goes on a trip with 3 Friends; an electrical engineer, a physics engineer and an IT specialist. Few hours into the trip the car breaks down. The electrical engineer says: "Well i know this issue, there must be some problems with the electronics of this car". The physics engineer says "Of course not! There was a problem with the pressure, i could hear that miles away". The IT specialist calms them down and says "come on guys, lets just all get out of the car, get in again and see if that solves the problem."
Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?
A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.
An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!
"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.
A man and his wife are having troubles in the bed room.
He can't get the engine started and when he does she doesn't want to drive it home. One day the call and schedule a meeting with a specialist. They spare no expense and get the best guy money can buy. On the day of their appointment the husband and wife each get pulled into meetings right before they are supposed to leave. They call each other and the husband says "we should call and tell them about how we won't make it" and the wife says.
"Why bother, he already knows we're not coming".
A cardiac specialist died and at his f**... the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own f**..." the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.
"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.
"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.
The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."
The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."
The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of the birds fall down into the water. He turns to the pathologist and says: "Run a test on them, will you, and see if they're ducks."
A man goes to a specialist
He's been to every doctor in his area, and none of them can figure out what's wrong with him. So eventually he goes to the preeminent specialist for what's bothering him to try to get a diagnosis. After several weeks of tests the doctor calls the man into his office and has him sit down.
"I have good news and bad new for you."
The man, happy to finally have *something* says, "Tell me the good news first."
The doctor says, "We're going to name it after you."