Israeli Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

When do Jews go swimming?

When it Israeli hot

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!

I finally understand why everyone loves Gal Gadot

She Israeli hot.

Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

I guess you could say the situation in Gaza...

Israeli bad. YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

i'll show myself out.

How did the Israeli get his coffee?

Hebrew'd it.

An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK...

The immigration officer asks: Occupation? The Israeli says: No. I'm just visiting."

How do you hit on a Jewish girl?

Tell her that she israeli hot!

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read aΒ quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "NowΒ I read this and I feel much better. Turns outΒ there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

An American, an Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar

They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row. When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?"

They answered back in order, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja"

Have you heard about the jewish comedian?

They say he Israeli funny.

Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

An American man visits the Holy Land...

An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

An Israeli doctor...

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 months, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 months he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 months he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. One month ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."

" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "

" Second option, you pay $100,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel"

After much debating, the Americans decided to pay the larger fee and repatriate the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose the bigger figure.

" Well, the last time you buried someone he came back after three days so we're not taking any chances !"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

β€”Henny Youngman

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel

Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.

"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."

"I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."

"No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."

Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink. "Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!"

My. Finklestein's face lights up. "Ah-hah! That's all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!"

Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? "Phah," he says. "With our Jewish luck, we would *win* the war."

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?

Yeah!

Well come on over, i'll sell you some!

Today I saw the most beautiful Jewish girl in my life

She Israeli preety.

Do you guys have idea how hard it is to make a good Jewish joke?

Actually, Israeli easy.

A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli

**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Β 

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Β  Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." Β The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Β Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"

Have you ever had Jewish Coffee?

I heard Israeli good!

An Israeli doctor says

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."

Why do they call the Israeli martial art krav maga?

Because Judo was already taken.

What do you call a young Israeli boy?

Jew-nior

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.

A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"

An Arab, an Israeli and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said "ah, we have plenty of those in my country".

The Arab then threw his falafels and the Mexican asked him why he threw the falafels and the Arab said " ah, we have plenty of those in my country". And then the Israeli threw the Arab out of the plane.

Israeli, German, Russian, and American doctors were talking ...

‏An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

‏The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
‏in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

‏The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

‏The American doctor laughs:
"You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President...Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant.

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?" The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?" The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?" The Russian asks: "What's an 'opinion'?" The American asks: "What's the third world?" The Israeli asks: "What's 'excuse me'?"

A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.

The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"
The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"
The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"
And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?"

Food from Jerusalem may not be the best

But Israeli good

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

Did you hear about the new Israeli sports car?

It turns on a dime then goes back and picks it up.

What did the Israelite say to the american when offering him a drink?

"Here, try this, Israeli refreshing!"

Two ambassadors β€” one Israeli and one Palestinian β€” are staying in a hotel...

They decide to order lunch, each opting for a porterhouse steak. Unfortunately, the kitchen staff find that there is only one porterhouse left. No one knows what to do, as nobody dares give either ambassador a replacement meal. The cook really wishes for a two-steak solution.

What is the coldest country in the world?

Israel. Because israeli cold.

What do you call the Israeli martial art?

Jewjipsu

why should you never pick a fight with an Israeli baker?

Because they know Jew dough

What do you call the fallout from an Israeli nuke?

Zionizing radiation.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"


So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"



"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Do you like food and travel!?

Why should you got to Jerusalem for the food?

Because israeli good.

What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

A man is taking a survey to find out what people think about the meat shortage.

First he approaches a Russian, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, what do you think about the meat shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" Then he asks an American, who says, "What's a shortage?" Last, he asks an Israeli, who says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.

The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."

The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."

The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."

The Russian blurts out, "That is bullshit, you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"

Have you ever been to the Holy Land?

Israeli cool.

What do you call someone who is only part Israeli?

An Israel-light.

What is the Israeli film industry called?

Is-reel.

An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control

-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now

I asked an Israeli girl out today.

"Hah! Jewish I'd go out with you" she said.

:(

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

American

A man from Israel got his citizenship, I guess you could say he Israeli American now

An Israeli man visits Britain

An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting."

What do Israelis like to do on the computer?

Net and Yahoo

Why does it take so long to play Israeli sports?

Because all the replays are in shlomo.

The situation with Palestine...

...Israeli getting out of hand.

What's an Israeli ghetto called?

Palestine.

What are the funniest israeli jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Israeli? Well, here are the best Israeli puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Israeli pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes