Irritation Jokes
117 irritation jokes and hilarious irritation puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irritation that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Irritation Short Jokes
Short irritation jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irritation humour may include short jokes also.
- Okay, I am getting really irritated This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds"
- I'm writing a book about my time growing up as a shy young boy with irritable bowel syndrome... ... i've decided to call it 'Diarrhoea Of A Wimpy Kid'
- When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie. The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.
- Today I met someone who never finishes his proverbs. It's very irritating to talk to him, but you know what they say,
- One girl just told me she has feelings for me As examples she mentioned irritation and vicarious embarrassment.
- I know eyelashes are meant to keep things out of your eyes, but it seems to me the only things that get in my eyes and irritate them are eyelashes... It's eye-ronic
- Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions? They can't trust their gut
- My dad got fired recently for being such an irritated electrician He never conducted himself positively at work
- Took my dog to the vet because he won't stop barking Turns out he's got irritable bow-wow syndrome
- How to irritate an archaeologist? Show him a used women's pad and ask him which period it belongs to.
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Irritation One Liners
Which irritation one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irritation? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Know why the letters a, e, i, o, and u are so angry? Irritable vowel syndrome.
- It irritates me that I never win the lottery Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
- I'm so irritated This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that has 'insufficient funds'.
- I don't use condoms. They irritate my sores.
- When was Cleopatra at her most irritable? When she was on her pyramid.
- Hereditary Irritable Bowel Syndrome Runs in the family.
- I once met an irritating man who upheld his family name. He was Hanoi-Ying.
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome is genetic. It runs in your jeans.
- How do you irritate Lady Gaga? Poker face.
- What do you call an irritated nerd? A noyd.
- What kind of Raspberry dishes do you eat to irritate your bowel? Raspberry tart
- Why are roofers always irritated. Because they have to deal with shingles all the time.
- Why does Anakin dislike Spongebob Squarepants? He finds Sandy course and irritating.
- Pain is temporary, pride is forever. Does not apply to irritable bowel syndrome.
- Was making dinner and rubbed my eye Instantly it was irritated with me.
Irritation Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about irritation you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irritation pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to be Insulting in Theaters: If the person sitting in front of you is blocking your view, try adopting an irritating cough, or k**... your feet under their seat. n**..., wet sneezes down the back of their neck are also effective in persuading them to look elsewhere for a seat.
One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:
- Help me, please.
I have a knife in my back.
The doctor, looking his watch says:
- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you.
Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.
- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.
The doctor, angrily says:
- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you.
You must pass here tomorrow.
- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead.
Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back.
The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye.
- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.
A guy is laying in bed reading a book while his wife is sleeping...
Every so often he reaches over and tickles her funny spot. Eventually she wakes up and yells at him saying, "What are you doing, I told you I wasn't in the mood tonight!"
He responds back with, "I understand and respected your wishes".
Irritated she asks, "Then why do you keep touching me?"
and he retorts, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**...=c**...
What do o**... Bin Laden and c**... have in common?
They both irritate Bush.
So a kid gets on a plane for the first time
and he is really excited about it. He is sitting inside the plane mid-flight when he finds out the plane's a Boeing. So he starts saying "Boeing.. Boeing.. Boeing.."
After a while when he doesn't stop the passengers start getting irritated, and the hostess comes along and tells the boy "Be Silent". So the boy starts "Oeing.. Oeing.. Oeing.. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
military jokes
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster b**... from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual
"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon
"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ice Fishing Blonde
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man c**... says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Father buys a beetle farm for Jhonny one evening
Jhonny is so excited he keeps shouting "Beetle.. Beetle.. Beetle.." the entire night and next day. By evening next day the father is really irritated and says "BE SILENT!".
So Jhonny pauses for sometime and starts shouting "eetle.. eetle.. eetle.. "
A naughty child
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...
Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state f**... they're all attending in Kansas.
Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.
What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.
No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?
Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.
Done, says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.
Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?
Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
Why did the artists stay away from the irritable blacksmith?
Nobody wanted to draw his iron.
Today I cried when my dad chopped up onions.
Because the synthase enzyme converts the sulfoxides (amino acids) of the onion into sulfenic acid. The unstable sulfenic acid rearranges itself into syn-ropanethial-S-oxide. Syn-propanethial-S-oxide got into the air and came in contact with my eyes. The lachrymal glands became irritated and produced the tears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young boy sees a tall black man
The boy says "wow you must be good at basketball!"
The black man irritably says "That's racist, just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm good at basketball."
The boy replies "I said you must be good at basketball because you are tall. If I judged you for being black, I wouldn't have said you were good at anything."
What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?
"Get off my nuts!"
(ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)
jokes And Accurate Graphs About Irritating Everyday Life. The Toilet Paper Graph(#3) Killed me!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens when women have their period?
They get easily irritated and they o**... act
A man bets his friend he can mildly irritate everyone by saying and doing nothing.
What's your name?
A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license and registration.
The driver responds, "I don't have a license or registration, Officer."
"Tell me your name then," the cop demands.
"Mr. Kret," the driver says.
"TELL ME YOUR FULL NAME," the officer barks, sufficiently irritated.
The driver smiles..."Itza C. Kret."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to start an irritable bowel support group
called f**... matters
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
I'm really irritated by people that are missing phalanges.
I guess I'm lactose intolerant.
A man is sitting in a bar when a friend comes running and shouts "Your wife is in bed with another man!".
He jumps in fury and run away. After some minutes he come back really irritated with the friend. "*Another man*, "*Another man*" he says "... he's the same man as always!"
Told my wife that the doctor thinks I have irritable vowel syndrome. She said, "I think you mean 'bowel'."
I said, "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute banker girl
The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I see children like bongo drums
They're slightly irritating but it's fashionable for the rich to bring them back from Africa
Today is Vanna White's birthday, and I heard she has an illness..
Irritable Vowel Syndrome
When people use the wrong homonyms it irritates me
I know the pane, I've been their before.
My dad was walking around the house screaming yesterday....
He kept shouting, "A, E, I, O, U".
"What's wrong?", I asked him.
To which he responded, "Nothing, I just have irritable vowel syndrome..."
What does your mother and sand have in common?
She's coarse, she's rough, she's irritating, and she gets everywhere.
Also, you can pound her.
I think I'm allergic to my family...
They are a known irritant.
What do you say to a fly that is irritating you?
Stop bugging me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've never seen a cross dresser.
But I've seen some very irritated credenzas,
The most irritating thing
Is when people confuse "to" and "too". It's really amazing two me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... is in his Bunker
One day, h**... is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks h**..., clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies h**..., "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says h**..., "then send two divisions."
My mom has been tired, irritable, moody, and able to instantly stop small fish.
I think she's going through minnowpause.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man runs over to his neighbor's house early one morning...
He bangs on the door and soon his neighbor answers. The man looks slightly embarrased and starts explaining quickly.
"Hey, last night, I brought a h**... home, but I just realized that I don't have enough cash to pay her. Can you help me out?"
The neighbor lifts his eyebrow and the sighs in irritation.
"Fine," he says. "This one time...you can borrow my shovel."
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
I can't eat Alpha-Bits.
I suffer from Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
Am I the doctor of the Kenyan track team or just irritable?
cuz my patience is running thin
What's a good name for a therapy book on coping with irritable bowel syndrome?
I asked my wife what three things she finds most irritating.
She said, "well, I really dislike Sunday drivers. I'm not particularly keen on loud, abnoixious children. But mostly, I really hate it when I have to repeat myself!"
"Oh, yeah, absolutely!" I replied, "You can say that again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Romance
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a p**... on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One teacher snickered to another I hear Billy in your class is a real genius.
To which she became irritated and replied Sarcasm: just what these kids need...
Did you hear about the woman that was having trouble with her keyboard?
It was the colon. It was creating irritable vowel syndrome.
At work, they ask us to prepare for projects using an A through Z list. This week, my boss called me into his office.
He told me that he was irritated by preparations A through G. However, he felt as though preparation h felt good on the hole.
Every time I open the fridge, my wife tells me I eat too much.
It's gotten really irritating, she's told me 50 times today!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The campaign to re-irritate our international allies is called:
Make America Grate Again
I got kicked out of my book club meeting because I tried to review Tommy Wiseau's book adaptation of his movie despite never actually having read it.
I should have noticed how irritated the crowd was getting at my inaccurate speech, but I didn't read The Room.
What is nice if you are close to it but gets irritating when far away?
Someone holding the door for you
Went to see the psychologist.
She asked Do any sounds irritate you?
Real or imaginary? I inquired.
Let's go with imaginary She said curiously.
A spider wearing flip flops I said.
What does a 50 year old suburban mom do when irritated?
She wines...
What do you call an annoying potato?
An irri-tator. :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"You'd never put me first," said my wife.
"Sure I would," I replied. "If there was a 'Who's The Most Irritating b**...?' Award."
The doctor told me I shouldn't eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Worried due to her husband's bad cold and sore t**...,...
...his wife advises him, "Why don't you go across the street? The doctor who lives there might help you."
The husband, due to the pain in his t**..., whispers, "It's 10 in the night. Won't he be irritated?"
The wife replies, "He might be, but he might also help. Go on and ask him."
The husband reluctantly goes to the doctor's house and rings the doorbell. When the doctor's wife opens the door, he whispers, "Is the doctor in?"
The wife smiles and whispers back, "No, he isn't. Come on in."
Just found out I have irritable vowel syndrome...
Every time U tell me I have to do something it irritates the $h*t out of me.
This will take awhile
Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede, but there's no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"
Boo me all you like, I just made it up.
I was at the local library trying to find a specific sound for my video project; that of a displeased audience. I was repeatedly listening to a variety of samples through the miniature speakers on the desk.
Unbeknownst to me, a lady who was sat at the desk in the next cubicle was growing irritated and she leant over,startling me, and screamed PICK A BOO!
What an odd game to play with another adult in a library.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife came home from the doctor
Not really a joke. It's a real life story that happened to me. My wife came home from the doctor and said. The doctor discovered my illness - I've got IBS. I told my wife, I know, you've had that almost the entire time I've know you. She said You don't even know what IBS is.
I said yes I do, it's "Irritable b**... Syndrome"
A burglar breaks into a joint
While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Burglar: "Hahaha! Look at you, what's your name?"
Parrot: "Jared Leto"
Burglar: "That's an odd name for a parrot. Who would name their parrot 'Jared-Leto'?
Parrot: "The same person who would name his rottweiler 'Heavenly Father'!
*First Cake day joke!
A Couple on their Honeymoon decided to take a trip to Africa. While walking in the countryside, they saw a beautiful lake...
There was a little boy who was standing by the bank, enjoying himself. The couple approached him and asked if it was safe to go into the water, if there were any sharks in the lake. The boy said no and went back to playing.
The couple jumped into the lake but after awhile felt uncomfortable so got out and asked the boy again if he was sure there were no sharks.
The boy, looking at the couple, a little irritated now, said: Believe me, Sharks don't come where there are Crocodiles.