Irishmen Jokes
89 irishmen jokes and hilarious irishmen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irishmen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These two Irishmen, Seamus and Liam, were in the pub looking for a laugh. Find out what happens when they start making Gaelic jokes! Slip into a pint and get ready to crack up over Irishmen jokes.
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Funniest Irishmen Short Jokes
Short irishmen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irishmen humour may include short pub jokes also.
- How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning. - How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.
- Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job. One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
- Two Irishmen are talking ... One says to the other "Y'know, green is my favourite colour in the whole world! In fact, I like it more than blue and yellow combined!"
- How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the light bulb and one to get drunk enough to make the room spin around.
- What's the most useless thing on a woman? A drunken Irishmen at 3am.
[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation. - Did you read that book on gay marriage by the two Irishmen? Their names are Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
- How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins
- Two Irishmen sitting in a car Maclea : stick your head out the window and tell me if the indicator is working"
Torrance : sure thing
[Pause]
Torrance : Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no - Two Irishmen are looking for a job. They come across a sign, that reads, "Tree Fellers". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, "If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!"
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Irishmen One Liners
Which irishmen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irishmen? I can suggest the ones about two irishmen and mick.
- Why can't Irishmen be lawyers? They can never get past the bar.
- Three Irishmen walk out of a bar. Yep. It can happen.
- What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common? They're both tree fellers.
- What do you call 2 gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
- Two Irishmen walk out of a bar... ...well it could happen.
- Hear about the two gay Irishmen? William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.
- In honor of St. Patrick's Day... Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
- Why do Irishmen make horrible lawyers? They can never pass the bar.
- 3 Irishmen walk out of a bar Nah, j/k
- Four Irishmen were standing on a corner. There was probably a fifth.
- Did you hear about the couple of gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
- What do you call a convention of short Irishmen with leprosy? Lepercon
- New book out on gay marriage by two Irishmen. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
- What were the names of the gay Irishmen? ...Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh
- How many drinks does it take for two irishmen to fight to the death? None
Two Irishmen Jokes
Here is a list of funny two irishmen jokes and even better two irishmen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two gay Irishmen decided to change their names. They became William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam
- Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fits Michael
- Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. Wait, what am I saying? That'll never happen. Never mind.
- There were two gay Irishmen John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn
- I recently men two gay Irishmen... Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
- Two Irishmen wrote a book about the joys of gay marriage. Their names are Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
- How were drinking glasses invented? By two Irishmen fighting over a bottle of whiskey.
- A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . . They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted".
One of them turns to the other and says, "d**.... Too bad there's only two of us." - Have you heard the one about the two Irishmen who went to London to donate s**...? Patrick missed the tube and Shamus came on the bus.
- Two Irishmen are driving in a car p**... turns to p**... and says: "Hey p**..., can you check if the indicator is working?"
p**... leans out of the window and shouts: "YES! no. YES! no. YES! no."
Hilarious Irishmen Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about irishmen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lads jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irishmen pranks.
Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes.
One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes.
One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
19 Irishmen go to a cinema. Ticket lady says, "Why are there so many of you here tonight?" m**... replies, "The fillm says 18 and over, miss."
My two favorite "screw in a lightbulb" jokes
**How many irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?**
21. 1 to hold the bulb, and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
**How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?**
Just Juan.
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5.
1 to screw in the light bulb, and 4 to remark on how grand the old one was.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in d**......
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to p**..., 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
p**... and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
p**... watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, p**... shakes his head and says, f**... dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too f**...'n dangerous for me!'
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold it in place and forty more to get drunk enough to make the room start spinning.
Where there are 4 irishmen....
You always find a 5th
A scientist and a h**... walk into a bar...
But find that they can't open the door due to an over-saturation of priests, rabbis, lawyers, and Irishmen inside.
Paddies vs. Aussies
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
2 Irishmen walk out of a bar...
Two Irishmen sitting by the road...
Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past.
"Aye, p**.... That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich."
"What's that then Declan?"
"I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."
Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around l**... himself.
One of the Irishmen says, Don't ya wish you could do that?
And the other says, Sure, but I'd be afraid he'd bite me!
Just like not all rectangles are squares but all squares are rectangles..
Not all alcoholics are Irishmen, but all Irishmen are alcoholics!
Two Irishmen were looking for a job together.
One day, they see an advert saying we're looking for tree cutters.
Thrilled, one of them turns to the other and says look, we found a job to do!
The other replies No lad, they're looking for tree cutters, not two.
Two Irishmen are nailing a floor
Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. m**... sees him and asks what he's doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
m**... - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...
2man Team
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
Two Irishmen leave a f**...
One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Wait. That's possible?
Two Irishmen, p**... and Murphy are flying in a stunt plane.
p**... says to Murphy, If I fly this here plane upside down, will we fall out?
Murphy replies Don't be daft p**...! We've been pals for 30 years - it'll take more than an upside down plane for us to fall out!
The police arrive to find two Irishmen with a dead Pakistani.
The Police ask, Do you know how this man died?
The Irishmen reply, No we don't know anything about the man!
The police then ask, Do you know what his name was?
The Irishmen reply again, and they say I told you I don't know anything about the man! We just went drinking with him a lot but never knew anything about him. All I know is that he has two arseholes.
The police asked in shock, Are you sure he had two arseholes?
The Irishmen replied, We're absolutely certain. Every time we went to a bar with him, the barman would always say, 'Look! There's the Pakistani with those two arseholes!'
Wow glad you guys liked this one
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"
Man: "I'm jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.
Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company...
Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company, when they saw a poster :
"Tree fellers wanted! We are hiring"
"That's a shame" , said one of the Irishmen , "There's only two of us!
Two Irishmen lose their oars
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat
They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"
Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean
A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it
