Irishmen Jokes
74 irishmen jokes and hilarious irishmen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irishmen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These two Irishmen, Seamus and Liam, were in the pub looking for a laugh. Find out what happens when they start making Gaelic jokes! Slip into a pint and get ready to crack up over Irishmen jokes.
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Funniest Irishmen Short Jokes
Short irishmen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irishmen humour may include short pub jokes also.
- Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job. One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
- Two Irishmen are talking ... One says to the other "Y'know, green is my favourite colour in the whole world! In fact, I like it more than blue and yellow combined!"
- Two Irishmen sitting in a car Maclea : stick your head out the window and tell me if the indicator is working"
Torrance : sure thing
[Pause]
Torrance : Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no - Two gay Irishmen decided to change their names. They became William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam
- Just like not all rectangles are squares but all squares are rectangles.. Not all alcoholics are Irishmen, but all Irishmen are alcoholics!
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Irishmen One Liners
Which irishmen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irishmen? I can suggest the ones about two irishmen and mick.
- What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common? They're both tree fellers.
- In honor of St. Patrick's Day... Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
- Four Irishmen were standing on a corner. There was probably a fifth.
- New book out on gay marriage by two Irishmen. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
- What were the names of the gay Irishmen? ...Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh
- Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. Wait, what am I saying? That'll never happen. Never mind.
- Where there are 4 irishmen.... You always find a 5th
- Three Irishmen walk out of a bar. Wait. That's possible?
- There were two gay Irishmen John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn
- 2 Irishmen sitting in a hot tub...
- How were drinking glasses invented? By two Irishmen fighting over a bottle of whiskey.
- What do you call 2 gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
- Did you hear about the couple of gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
- How many drinks does it take for two irishmen to fight to the death? None
- Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fits Michael
Hilarious Irishmen Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about irishmen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irishmen pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes.
One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes.
One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
19 Irishmen go to a cinema. Ticket lady says, "Why are there so many of you here tonight?" m**... replies, "The fillm says 18 and over, miss."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the most useless thing on a woman?
A drunken Irishmen at 3am.
[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Irishman
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and s**... hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.....
With some luck they managed to bag Six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the extra load of the Moose and promptly went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, p**... and m**... survived the c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, p**... asked m**..., "Any idea where we are?"
m**... replied....... "I can't be sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poker
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when p**... Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell p**...'s wife... who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Racist Lifeguard Jokes
Racist joke time
**How many black people can you fit in a pool?**
Depends, how deep is the pool?
**How many mexicans can you fit in a pool?**
Well I tried to count but the water got too murky.
**How many Russians can you fit in a pool?**
Zero, the pool froze over.
**How many Irishmen can you fit in a pool?**
The real question is how much liquor can you fit in a pool?
**How many North Koreans can you fit in a pool?**
It doesn't matter, they'll never get out.
**How many Israelis can you fit in a pool?**
We lost count. We gave them one pool, and they just took another and another and another...
**How many Sardines can you fit in a pool?**
A lot, you just pack them in like chinese people.
**How many Arabs can you fit in a pool?**
They have water down there?
**How many white people can you fit in a pool?**
Only 1, white people don't share too well.
**How many Germans can you fit in a pool?**
After the first few they just start complaining about each other.
**How many Brazilians can you fit in a pool?**
Wait, how many is a Brazilian again?
**How many Canadians can you fit in a pool?**
I'm sorry, I don't know.
**How many Australians can you fit in a pool?**
Just mind the crocs.
**How many Native Americans can you fit in a pool?**
Depends, do you include burial ground white man build pool over?
All my upvotes to the person who can think up a good cuban version.
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the
shoulder...
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."
The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."
Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.
Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"
The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."
So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.
While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"
The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."
There's these two Irish guys...
And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation.
The first Irishman goes, "Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"
The second one replies, "Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"
The first Irishman smiles brightly, "NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
The two Irishmen down their drinks and keep chatting.
"Well, where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
Again, they down their drinks as their excitement (and drunkenness) increase.
"Well, did you know Ol' Johnny Brennan?!?"
"He was one of my best friends!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
While the two Irishmen are finishing their drinks, another partron comes and sits at the bar. When the bartender comes over, the newcomer says, "How's it going Mickey!"
Mickey, the bartender, replies, "Pretty good, pretty good. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One wish
Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat.
"Wouldn't it be cool if there were a genie in the bottle?", he asked. Without hesitation the other man picked the bottle up and rubbed, and whoosh, out pops the genie.
"I am a powerful genie, but I can only grant one wish," the genie shouts.
Before the other man could even get in a word
"I wish the ocean was nothing but Guinness."
And whoosh the genie grants the wish and disappears.
"No, you idiot, now we have to pee in the boat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My two favorite "screw in a lightbulb" jokes
**How many irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?**
21. 1 to hold the bulb, and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
**How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?**
Just Juan.
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen purchase horses from a farmer
As they ride away, one says to the other "p**..., how are we to tell our two horses apart?".
"Well, Seamus, 'tis simple: I'll cut my horse's ear, and that will show us it's my horse!"...and he cuts his horse's ear.
Ten minutes down the road, they run into some brambles, and Seamus' horse's ear gets an identical cut in its ear.
This causes the same argument to come up again, until p**... says "Seamus, I'll cut my horse's tail off, and that will show us it's my horse!"
Seamus finds this acceptable, until, ten minutes later, they encounter MORE brambles, which rip off Seamus' horse's tail just like p**...'s.
They ride and ponder the problem for a mile or so, until p**... suddenly proclaims "I've got it Seamus! You keep using the black horse, and I'll keep using the brown one!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Irish brothel
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and s**... hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen were fishing in a lake...
...when one of them caught a strange-looking lamp. After pulling it off his line, a genie appeared and said, "None of this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so you better make it good."
The man who caught the lamp blurts out, "I wish every lake, ocean, and river on Earth were made entirely out of beer!"
The genie snaps his fingers and says, "Done." and then disappears.
The other fisherman smacks his partner across his face and says, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in d**......
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to p**..., 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
p**... and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
p**... watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, p**... shakes his head and says, f**... dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too f**...'n dangerous for me!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department.
p**... would dig a hole and m**... would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, p**... digging a hole, and m**... filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked p**..., I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it:why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?
p**... wiped his brow and sighed, Well, we're normally a three-person team, but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick .
Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...
Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.
"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man o' the cloth, giving way to temptation like that."
A few minutes later, the rabbi also entered the brothel.
"Would you look at that? Always acting so pious, but look at 'im now - dirty hypocrite. Givin' way to sins o' the flesh."
As they continued drinking, complaining all the while about the lack of moral standards of the minister and the rabbi, they saw the Catholic priest creep up to the brothel and knock on the door.
"Ah, now - ain't that a shame! One o' the poor girls must be dyin', and the good Father's come to give 'er the last rites!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A scientist and a h**... walk into a bar...
But find that they can't open the door due to an over-saturation of priests, rabbis, lawyers, and Irishmen inside.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hear about the gay Irishmen?
Phillip Dune and James Mcavity
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen sitting by the road...
Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past.
"Aye, p**.... That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich."
"What's that then Declan?"
"I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are doing roadwork outside a brothel.
They see a rabbi approach. The rabbi looks around carefully and then slips inside.
"Ah, would'ya look at that!" says one man to the other. "A man o' the cloth even! d**... shame..."
Shortly after this, a Protestant minister walks up to the brothel before surreptitiously going in.
"Outrageous!" the road worker says. "No wonder our kids today are so confused!"
Finally, a Catholic priest approaches, looks over his shoulder, then darts in.
"Ah, will ya look at that!" says the road worker. "One o' the poor lasses must be sick."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard the one about the two Irishmen who went to London to donate s**...?
Patrick missed the tube and Shamus came on the bus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around l**... himself.
One of the Irishmen says, Don't ya wish you could do that?
And the other says, Sure, but I'd be afraid he'd bite me!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen have a bright idea...
p**... and Murphy are working on a building site. p**... says to Murphy,
"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: "p**..., go home. You've gone mad."
So p**... leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.
"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are driving in a car
p**... turns to p**... and says: "Hey p**..., can you check if the indicator is working?"
p**... leans out of the window and shouts: "YES! no. YES! no. YES! no."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are nailing a floor
Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. m**... sees him and asks what he's doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
m**... - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...
2man Team
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen leave a f**...
One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"
Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night
The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate . The other man gratefully takes a big swig and passes it back. The first man caps the bottle and starts to put it away when the other says aren't you going to have one? He says no, I'm gonna wait for the police to get here .
Two Hardworking Irishmen
Two Irishmen were working hard one day. One man
was digging these foot deep holes and the second man would follow him and fill the hole with dirt.
One bystander saw the two and was very confused on what they were trying to accomplish so he decided to ask. Excuse me sirs says the civilian, I appreciate the hard work you two are doing but what are you hoping to accomplish ?
The Irishman responds , Ya I could see where you might be confused . You see usually there is a third one of us who places a seed in the hole but he called in sick today .
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"
Man: "I'm jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen lose their oars
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat
They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean
A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it
