Irishman Bar Jokes
112 irishman bar jokes and hilarious irishman bar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irishman bar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Irishman Bar Short Jokes
Short irishman bar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irishman bar humour may include short irish pub jokes also.
- An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave. - An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.
- An Englishman walks into a bar... There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the rugby World Cup.
- A Greek, an Irishman and a portuguese spend the evening drinking in a bar. Who picks up the tab? The German.
- An Irishman walks into a bar .... An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says:
"Right, this looks like a fair fight." - A group of people walk into a bar... An Irishman, a rabbi, a Japanese man, a blind man and a boat captain walk into a bar. The bartender asks "is this some kind of a joke?"
- An Irishman walks into a bar. An Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender says "Where you from?"
Irishman says "Dublin"
Bartender: "oh really?"
Irishman: "No, O'Reilly." - A priest.... A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?" - A rabbi, an irishman, a travelling salesman, and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender asks them "what is this, some kind of joke?"
- A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
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Irishman Bar One Liners
Which irishman bar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irishman bar? I can suggest the ones about an irishman walks into a bar and irish man.
- I have an Irish joke to tell. An Irishman walks out of a bar
- An Irishman walks out of a bar Nah, just kidding
- An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar... Those were the days.
- An Irishman walks past the bar That's it.
- A perfect St patty's day joke An Irishman leaves the bar
- An Irishman walks into a bar ...no surprises there.
- Why did the Irishman leave the bar? there was a better one across the street
- What does an Irishman say when he enters the bar? Top o' the mornin' to ya!
- The Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman … …dont walk into a bar.
Irishman Bar Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about irishman bar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean irish drinking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irishman bar pranks.
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !".
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee...that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "...but my sister has ..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than j**... Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever.
Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*c**... her when I get her pyjamas off”
Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.
The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney"
So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story.
One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness...
The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother..."
The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
An Irishman goes into a bar and orders three beers.
He takes a sip out of one beer, then the second, then the third, then he starts over and repeats until they're all gone. Next week he comes in and orders another three beers. The bartender says, "If you like I can bring them to you one at a time, then they won't sit there getting warm." The Irishman says, "No, these are in honor of me and my brothers back in Dublin. The three of us used to go drinking together every Friday, and when I left I promised I'd carry on the tradition. This goes on every week for months, until one Friday night the guy shuffles in looking kind of glum. The bartender brings him his usual three beers, but the guy hands one back and says, "Only two from now on, I'm afraid." The bartender gets all concerned and says, "Gosh, did something happen to one of your brothers?" The guy says, "No, they're fine, it's me. My doctor told me I had to quit drinkin'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Quits Drinking
An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, éveryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor]
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(I s**... at jokes) It only Takes 1
An older Irishman is sitting at a Rural bar looking depressed. A regular at the bar notices, and asks the old-timer what's the trouble?
[Old-Timer] See that road over there?
[Regular] Aye
[Old-Timer] I built that road. Carried the stones and put them in place my own sweat and blood. Do they call me Patrick the Road layer??? No...
And the Bridge down that road... I built that bridge... Did anyone help me, no... Do they call me Patrick the Bridge-Builder?!
No...
(Now getting Irate)
And the Church! I Labored for years and lost a finger to build the house of god. Do they call me Patrick the Church Builder!
NO...
But you F**K one goat.....
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the
shoulder...
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."
The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."
Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.
Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"
The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."
So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.
While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"
The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."
An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.
All three of them order a beer. The Englishman sees a fly floating in his beer and calls the bartender over and demands a new beer. The American also sees a fly floating in his beer and just flicks it away and drinks the beer. The Irishman sees a fly in his beer also and picks it up and screams "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
An Irishman is new to town.
He walks into the local pub and sits at the bar he order three pints of Guiness. All at once. He sits at the bar drinking the three pints alone. The bartender thinks it is strange but doesn't ask questions. This happens every week for a few months until curiosity get the better of the barkeep and he asks about the three pints of Guiness.
The Irishman answers, "one is for my brother in Dublin, one is for my brother is Kilkenny, and the other is for me. I miss them terribly and I like to think I'm having a pint with them as if we were together back at home."
After about a year of this routine the barkeep sees the Iriashman come in and starts to pour the three pints. The Irishman interrupts, "Just two today." And he sits at the bar and drinks only two beers.
The barkeep is very concerned and after a few weeks of this finally asks, "Are your brothers are they okay, was there a death?"
"Oh no, nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
There's these two Irish guys...
And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation.
The first Irishman goes, "Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"
The second one replies, "Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"
The first Irishman smiles brightly, "NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
The two Irishmen down their drinks and keep chatting.
"Well, where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
Again, they down their drinks as their excitement (and drunkenness) increase.
"Well, did you know Ol' Johnny Brennan?!?"
"He was one of my best friends!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
While the two Irishmen are finishing their drinks, another partron comes and sits at the bar. When the bartender comes over, the newcomer says, "How's it going Mickey!"
Mickey, the bartender, replies, "Pretty good, pretty good. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One night at a pub . . .
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman walks into a bar...
An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."
The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.
One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the m**... Church, and I had to quit drinking."
An old Irishman walks into a bar.
Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinness and leaves. This goes on for several months. One day the Irishman orders two Guinness. The bartender has learned a little about the old man and his sons and feels he has come to respect the old man and is concerned. "I don't mean to intrude or get personal," says the bartender, "but I couldn't help but notice you only ordered two Guinness today. Are both your sons okay?"
The old man looks to the bartender with a smile and says,"That's mighty kind of ya lad. My sons are fine. I just quit drinking."
A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman...
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.
"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time...
His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions.
He walks into the pub and yells, "Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone to take me to kiss this famous Blarney's Stone I've heard so much about."
There's a small stir in the bar as every Irishman scowls at him, until one man stands up. The huge, red-bearded man walks over to the Englishman, towering over him by a full foot.
He says, "Aye, I'll take ye to the Blarney Stone, but there's something you missed."
"And what might that be?" the Englishman replies.
"Ye see, there's two Blarney stones." the Irishman tells him.
The Englishman, slightly peeved at this insight, sighs to him, "Well I don't care, I just want to kiss one."
"Well alright," the Irishman replies as he drops his pants, "I'm Blarney. Kiss one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish man is sitting in a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "Can I give you a b**...?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin' about me gettin' a job"
Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...
... and each order a beer. As the beers are set down on the table three flies fly into the bar and land in the beer, one in each glass. The Englishman pushes his beer away and orders another. The Irishman blows the foam off the top of his beer along with the fly and drinks the beer. The Scotsman picks up the fly by the wings and says "Alrright ya wee bastarrd, spit it out."
An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar... (credit goes to my buddy Rob from university)
.. they each order a pint of beer. The american finds a fly in his, and yells out so the whole bar hears, "This is disgusting, I'm outta here!" and storms out of the bar.
The Enlishman also finds a fly in his beer, but he politely asks the barkeep for another beer, if it's not too much trouble.
The Irishman.. he also finds a fly drowning in his beer (seriously? yeah seriously. It's a filthy bar). He picks it up by the wing, holds it over the glass and yells "Spit it oot!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman, an American, a Jew and a Greek all die...
When they get to Heaven, they're given the chance to go back to Earth and give it one more shot.
"But whatever sin you committed most in life, you must not even think once of committing it again," they're told, "Or you'll be right back up here."
All four end up together back on Earth, and start walking down the street, talking about the experience and what they think their worst sin was.
They pass a bar. The Irishman looks in, gets a greedy look on his face, and *p**...* disappears.
They pass a fast food restaurant. The American looks in, starts drooling, and *p**...* he disappears, too.
The Jew and the Greek keep walking, joking at their friends' foolishness. The Jew sees a dollar bill lying on the street. He bends over to pick it up, and ...
*p**...* they both disappear.
An Irishman goes to an American bar..
He sits down and orders three beers. The bartender thought that was odd but serves him the beers which he promptly slams down and leaves.
He returns the next week and orders three beers again. Some of the barflies started to notice this behavior. This continued on for a few weeks until the bartender finally asked, "Hey, what's the deal with the three beers at once."
The Irishman replies, "Well y'see lads, back in Dublin, me n me two bruthers used to go out and slam a beer in t'pub once a week. I order three beers for all of us, to feel a bit closer to them."
He becomes a bar legend, everyone knows the Irishman and his honorary two brothers. Then one day he comes in like normal and sits down and says, "Bartender, give me two beers."
The patrons and bartender were shocked until someone asked, "My word, did something awful happen to one of your brothers?!"
And the Irishman responds, "Nah, nuthin like that, I just quit drinkin'!"
A Jew, a mathematician and an Irishman enter a bar
Bartender says: "How did you all land up in the wrong joke?"
Five Men Walk Into A Bar...
The Irishman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Pint of Guinness."
The Brit turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Gin and Tonic."
The Frenchman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Glass of Wine."
The German turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Stein of Lager"
The Bartender brings them all their drinks, then turns to the last man and asks what he wants.
The Australian turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have two of whatever these ladies are having."
Texan in Ireland
A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.
He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"
Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether.
About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge"
The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath.
"Wow that was amazing!" exclaims the Texan "here's your money... but tell me one thing...why did you leave when I first made the offer?"
The Irishman wiped off his chin and said "I went to another pub to make sure I could do it."
An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....
A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".
The bartender looks at the Irishman.
Looks at the penguin.
Looks at the crocodile.
Looks at the parrot.
Looks back to the Irishman and says,
"What's all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?"
An elderly Irishman walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender for 3 pints, sits down and drinks all 3. Next week he does the same thing, and so on, week after week, until finally the bartender asks him:
"Pardon me sir, but I happen to notice you order 3 beers each week, without fail... no more, no less. May I ask why?"
"Oh, well I have 2 brothers you see, and so I have a pint for each of them and one for me as well."
A few years later, the Irishman walks into the bar, but he only orders 2 pints this time. The bartender is surprised, and after a while he realizes what's happened.
"Pardon me sir, I don't mean to pry, but I notice you've ordered only 2 this week and, well, I'd like to extend my condolences for your loss. I have a brother myself, and I can only imagine the pain it would cause..."
"No lad," interrupted the Irishman, "I'm just off drinking!"
An Irishman walks into a bar...
...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.
"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."
This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"
My friend from Turkey had never heard a blonde joke. This was his attempt at telling one.
A blonde walks into a bar and sits down next to an Englishman, Irishman, and German. They turn to her and say, "Are you new here?"
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said… my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly say, "had him circumcised."
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar
They walk up to the bar and order a drink, but the bartender refuses; "We don't serve jokes in here". The men walk off in disappointment. Next, a Priest, a Rabbi and a Vicar walk into the bar. "We don't serve jokes in here", repeats the barman. So the three walk out in disgust. Finally a chicken walks into the bar. "We don't serve jokes in here". The chicken replies "What? Why not? Well where am I supposed to get a drink?". The bartender answers "Try the pub across the road".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman and an Englishman are sitting in a bar.
The Irishman raises his shotglass and announces, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all the world!"
The Englishman raises his glass and replies, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all of Ireland."
For my brothers back home in Ireland.
An Irishman walks into a bar one night and orders three beers from the bartender. After drinking them he pays and goes home. The next night he comes back and orders three beers again, pays and goes home.
This continues for a couple weeks before the bartender finally asks "why do you always buy three beers?" The Irishman replies "One for me, and two for my brothers back home in Ireland." He then drinks his three beers and goes home.
After a month or so, the Irishman walks into a bar and tell the bartender "I'll have two beers, please!" The bartender, confused, asks him why only two. "Did one of your brothers back home die?" he asks.
"No," replies the Irishman. "I quit drinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk Irishman stumbles into a pub and sits at the bar and orders a drink...
...The bartender takes a look at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve drunks here, you have to leave."
The drunken Irishman grumbles, gets up and leaves through the side-door. A couple minutes later he stumbles through the front door again and saddles up at the bar.
The bartender looks at him oddly and then says, "we don't serve drunks here, now get out!!"
The Irishman slides off his stole and staggers back outside through the side door again.
Several minutes later, the same drunk Irishman comes staggering back in through the front door again and sits down at the bar.
The bartender, now irritated angrily says: "Look, I've already told you twice already, we DO NOT serve drunks here, now get out!!!"
The drunken Irishman looks up at him confused, and says. "How many bars do you work at?!!"
Happy St. p**...'s everyone.
Three guys walk into a bar
Three guys walk into a bar
A mexican
A Jew
and an Irishman
the irishman says something foolish i cant remember!
Drunken Irishman
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
An Irishman walks into a bar....
And then another Irishman walks into the bar.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...
"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"
The Irishman and the three beers
An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...
-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.
-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.
-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Welshman walk into a bar...
but none of them are xenophobic, so they all have a wonderful time.
Why Irish pubs are the best
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?", the Pom said.
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks him why he ordered three shots.
"My life-long friends and I have a tradition. We grew up together but have since gone our separate ways. One is in England and one in the USA, but we each go into a bar on the same day every year and order three shots of whiskey. It's as if we are drinking them together."
He then drinks the shots and leaves the bar. The next couple years, he returns and does the same.
Then, one year the man returns but only orders two shots. He drinks them both.
"I can't help but notice you only ordered two shots," the bartender said. "It appears you must have lost one of your friends. My condolences."
"Oh no," the Irishman said. "Those chaps are doing fine. I just quit drinking, that's all."
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.
The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew are sitting at a bar
What a fine example of an integrated community.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar
and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.
The Scotsman said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
The Irishman replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'
He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' s**....'
To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The Irishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a s**... fool that wore a dress!'
The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The Scotsman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was a Scotsman!'
The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'
An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...
It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, and crawls outside. He tries to get up again, no luck. "Ok, it's not too far, I'll just crawl home and sleep it off". So the Irishman crawls all the way home and passes out on his couch. The next morning he wakes up to his wife yelling at him "god damnet Seamus, the bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.
A Texan walks into an Irish bar...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all walk into a bar...
The Englishman needed to drink to forget the pain.
A man walks out of a bar...
He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...
A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.
A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Welshman enter a bar...
After a lot of fighting and harsh words 3 English-men walk out.
An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar
They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"
An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman enter a brand new bar.
The Englishman and Scotsman loved it, the Irishman was blown away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"
"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have s**... for FREE!"
"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"
An Irishman walks into a bar.....
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...
when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.
The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'
the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.
The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"
McPherson walked into a bar...
McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a whale walk into a bar,
The Irishman says, "give me an Irish whiskey." The bartender gives him one and he sits down to drink it.
The Mexican says, "I'll have tequila." The bartender gives him a tequila and he sits down to drink it.
Then the whale says, "WAAOOAOOOO" because whales don't talk.
Two guys walk into a bar...
They look around, and see that at one table, there's a rabbi, a priest, and an imman. At another there's an Irishman, a Scottsman, and a Brit. At a third there's a blonde, a brunette, and a readhead. Up at the bar, sits a dog with a bandaged paw.
Guy looks to his friend and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'
I was once at a bar with an Irishman.
He told me that Irish beer is far better than other beer because it get him drunk the fastest.
Personally, I disagree, but he raises a good pint.