Irish Priest Jokes
21 irish priest jokes and hilarious irish priest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irish priest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Quirky and Hilarious Irish Priest Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What is a good irish priest joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
Job Fatality in Ireland
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
9 is enough.
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
An Irish priest was driving one night
when he gets pulled over by a police officer. Smelling alcohol, the officer walks up to the priest and asks, "have you been drinking tonight?" Holding a bottle of wine the priest answers, "no officer, just water." "So what's that in your hand", asks the officer. "Good Lord, he's done it again!" , exclaims the priest.
Many years ago, an Irish cop was walking his beat in Boston
He sees a rabbi pull to a complete stop at a stop sign, only to get rear-ended moments later. The officer goes up to the rabbi's car and says "Don't worry, I saw everything." He walks over to the car that rear-ended the rabbi only to find a Catholic priest as the driver. The police officer looks at him and says "Ok Father, how fast was the car going when he backed into you?"
Exorcism
Whats the difference between a normal exorcism and an Irish exorcism??
A normal exorcism you call the priest up to banish the d**... out of the child.
An Irish exorcism you call the d**... to banish the priest out of the child... :D
Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Irish Confession
An Irish man went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, the Irish man said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied, "You m**..., you're on my side"
I went to Church today.
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies, "Get out, you're on my side."
The Irish brothel
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and s**... hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
What's an irish catholic priest's dilemma?
A little boy from Belfast.
A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table.
A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table. His son cones in and the man tells him to sit down. He says to his son, "if you take the $100 you will grow to be a gambler. If you take the whiskey, you will die as a drunk in the streets. But if you take the bible, you will be a holy man of God and live a good and righteous life."
The son sits and thinks for a moment, he then reaches out and takes the bible, the whiskey and the money off the table and walks out the door. The man sits stunned for a moment before he jumps out of his seat and proclaims "By God!!! My son is going to be an Irish priest!"
An Irish Priest Visits His Parishioners...
An Irish priest is travelling through the outskirts of his parish, visiting with some of his flock, when he comes across one of his parishioners on the road.
"Mary! Is that you? I haven't seen you or Seamus in months." said the priest.
"Oh Father! Seamus passed away a few weeks ago." replies Mary.
"That's terrible news Mary! Were you with him when he passed?" asked the priest.
"Oh aye Father, I was." said Mary
"Well, that's good! Did he have any last words for you before he went?"
"Oh yes Father! Just before he died, he looked up at me and said, 'Mary! Mary! Please put down the gun!"
Fannie Green
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had s**... with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s**... with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
An Irish boys confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."
The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "
"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed. "
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "
Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But..."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"
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Irish Priest One Liners
Which irish priest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irish priest? I can suggest the ones about irish catholic and irish man.
- What's an irish catholic priest's dilemma? A little boy from Belfast.