Irish People Jokes
28 irish people jokes and hilarious irish people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irish people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Irish People Short Jokes
Short irish people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irish people humour may include short irish women jokes also.
- I want to date a Chinese girl, an English girl, a Vietnamese girl, an Irish girl, and another Chinese girl. So I can tell people I dated Hu, Watt, Nguyen, Weir, and Wai.
- Ireland puns what do irish people call split personallity disorder?
doublin
what do irish people call mytosis?
a doublin cell?
what do irish people call twins?
sean and connor
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Irish People One Liners
Which irish people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irish people? I can suggest the ones about irish man and two irishmen.
- What do Irish people call a Dwayne Johnson impersonator? A Sham-Rock
- Where do Irish people go for breakfast? Drunkin Donuts
- What's the best export of Ireland? Irish people
- What is Irish people's favourite passtime? Starving
- Do Irish people make good optometrists? Eye!
- [OC] What type of music do Irish people listen to? Pubstep
Quirky and Hilarious Irish People Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about irish people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean irish catholic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irish people pranks.
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow.
Monday.
Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.
Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ever heard of an Irish bath?
An Irish bath is when you stand at the sink and just wash your armpits. Some people call it a Gypsy bath, or an Italian shower. A French bath is when you just douse yourself in cologne.
Whatever you call it, it's all just ethnic cleansing.
An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants
It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.
Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"
"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt been used as much"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, this ventriloquist's doing a gig at a pub and has people rolling over their seats laughing.
At one point, he delivers an Irish joke, and a man in the crowd gets up, points at him, and roars: 'What's ye's telling them offenshev jokes, for?! Some of us here are Paddys, boy-o!'
The ventroloquist stops, turns to the man and says: 'I'm sorry, sir, I was just telling a joke. I didn't mean to offend you so. I'll keep it clean of offensive jokes from now on.'
And the p**... goes: 'Who's talkin' to ye's?! I was shpeakin' to the man on your lap!'
Irish immigration
A married couple arrive in Ireland by way of car-ferry, and are just about to drive off into the Irish countryside, when an immigration officer stops them. "Now wait just a minute" says the officer. "You're driving an Audi Quattro. I know Quattro means four - so where are the other two people?"
The driver looks confused, and says "What do you mean? There's only us two."
The officer says "You can't pull the wool over my eyes. Quattro means four. You're supposed to have four people in this vehicle."
After some back-and-forth, the driver has had enough, and finally says "Look, this is silly. It's just the two of us. Can I speak to your superior?"
"I'd let you talk to him" says the Irish immigration officer. "But he's busy over there, dealing with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
Sunday in an Irish church
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing the hymn number 369, 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
A plane is flying over the Atlantic
When suddenly the speaker comes on, it's the pilot, "A minor delay has occurred, we will be one hour late due to an engine faling, please do not panic this is a minor problem". The passengers are a litte worried but people carry on as normal. An hour later the speaker comes on again, "The flight will be delayed by two hours as our second engine has failed, do not worry this is a minor problem.". People are starting to get nervous now and talk among theirselves. Another hour later the speaker comes on yet again, " Ladies and gentlemen i'm afraid to announce we have lost our third engine and have only one remaining, this will delay us by five hours". The plane is dead silent with worry, when suddenly an Irish man at the back of the plane speaks up, "Well let's hope we don't lose another or we'll be up here all night!"
There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish
He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish.
The doctor warned him saying This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain .
The guy was very adamant and said he wanted to do it.
Next week he goes for surgery. After 5 hours he wakes up. He can see the doctor standing over him looking very worried.
The doctor says I am really sorry, the surgery went terribly wrong, I ended up having to remove your entire brain
The guy looks at him and replies Crickey mate, no worries!
-- as an Ozzy I love telling this to my Irish mates as they get really offended halfway through
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man is sitting on a plane...
And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him.
The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him!
Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginning to have some small talk.
"Hello..." the man uttered.
"Hi there! I'm Mary Jameson. Nice to meet you. I'm a sexologist."
The man was bewildered by her willingness to let him know her profession.
"Well..." the man said, "what does a... sexologist do?"
"I study the science of s**...."
Ecstatic, the man couldn't help but ask for more.
"Such as?"
"Well, for starters," the woman began, "it's a common misconception that black men are the best at what they do. It's actually the Native Americans such as the Cherokee or the Sioux."
"I see" said the man, anxious for more, "anything else?"
"Another mistake people make is thinking the French are the best lovers. It's actually the Irish who are the most intimate." The woman paused. "Oh how rude of me, I've been talking to you and I haven't bothered to ask your name!"
The man outstretched his arm and replied...
"The name's Tanto. Tanto O'Sullivan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Painter
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the n**.... This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the n**... all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
