Irish Man Jokes

There are three men that work together, an Italian, an Irish, and a Polish man. One day, the Italian man is having lunch and says, "If my wife makes me a meatball sandwich again, I'm going to jump off the building." The Irish man and the Polish man say the same thing because they all have the same lunch everyday.
The next day, the three men go to eat their lunches and they are the same as usual. The Italian man has a meatball sandwich, the Irish man has baked potatoes, and the Polish man has kilbossi with a roll and mustard. They walk all the way up the stairs to the roof and jump off. The cops find them, call their wives, and bring them to the building where their husbands work. Nobody knows why they jumped except a co-worker, who tells the police that the men didn't like their lunches, so they jumped off. The Italian's wife says, "He should have told me, I would have made him something different." The Irish man's wife says the same thing. The Polish man's wife says, "I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch."

Another Irish Joke

All these Irish jokes reminded me of one of my favorites:
A Catholic foreigner is walking down a street at night in Ireland when a man grabs him and holds a knife to his neck. The assailant yells,
"Are ye Protestant er Catholic?"
Terrified, the man thinks to himself, *if lie and tell him I'm Protestant, he may very well be Catholic. But if I tell the truth and say I'm Catholic, there's a large chance he'll be Protestant!*
So the man says, "Jewish"
The assailant grins and says "Lordy! I'm the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"

A Jewish joke my Jewish grandfather sent me.

One day at kindergarten the teacher said she would give anyone 10 dollars if they could tell her who the most famous man who ever lived.
A little Irish boy said, "It was St. Patrick!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Sean, but no."
A young Scottish boy said, "It was St. Andrew!"
The teacher replied, "Sorry Hamish, but that is not correct."
Finally, a young Jewish boy named Marvin raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher replied, "Yes Marvin, that is correct! Come up here and I will give you your 10 dollars!"
As Marvin was being paid, the teacher said, 'You know, you being Jewish and all, I never thought you would say 'Jesus Christ.'"
Marvin replied, "Well, I know in my heart i knew it was Moses, but business is business."

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey! The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?
I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman! The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, By chance, did you happen to live near Dublin?
Aye Sir, born and raised there! Another round Bartender! exclaimed the first. Downing the whiskey together, the first looks at the second and says, As unlikely as it seems, by chance you didn't go to St. John's College in Dublin did you?
Jesus Mary and Joseph I did sir! Another two for my friend and me! A regular walks into the bar and sits down next to the pair. The bartender pours him his usual beer and the man asks, How's the bar doing tonight, anything new going on? The bartender replies, Nothing new pal, just the O'Malley brothers drunk again.

An Irish man goes to the doctor...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor...
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
The patient then says...
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.

Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from
Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.
The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave
him a nice warm hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave
him a gentle kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av ya ever been fooked before, Laddie? The
man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't."
She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."

So there's this Irish Pub..

in Ireland of all places. Anywho, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, "Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!"
After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, "No, none of those will do!"
When its gets quiet one man raises his beer, "I have one! I say cheers to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"
Everyone raises their beer in approval and this man gets his free beer.
Later that night this man walks home and gets into bed with his wife. His wife wakes and turns to her husband, "You're home late."
"Yeah, well I won the cheers!"
"Ah, what'd you say?"
"What'd I say.." The man thinks for a moment, he doesn't want to get in trouble with his wife, "I said cheers to spending the rest of my life.. at church next to my wife!"
"Aww, such a lovely thing to say" exclaims the wife and she goes back to sleep.
The very next day the wife is waiting in line at the local bakery. A man who heard the cheers at the pub walks up to the wife and says, "You know your husband devoted the cheers to you last night."
To which the wife replies, "Yeah I don't understand it, I mean he hasn't been down there in years and I have to pull his ear to come!"

Blond man joke

An Irish, Mexican, and blond iron worker were sitting on the top of a skyscraper under construction for their lunch break.
The Irishman opens his lunch box, "Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"
The Mexican opens his lunch box, "Tacos again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"
The blond opens his lunch box, "A ham and cheese sandwich again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"
The next day the Irishman gets corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican gets tacos and jumps to his death. The blond gets a ham and cheese sandwich and jumps to his death.
At their wake, their wives sit together to mourn the men.
The Irishman's wife laments, "If he would have told me he hated his food I could have made something else."
The Mexican's wife agrees, "I could have made my husband quesadillas or enchiladas."
The women look over at the blond's wife, who responds, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."

The Three Friends

In a small Irish town there were three good friends, and these friends would go every night, without fail, to the local pub and have a pint each. This tradition lasted for years and years until two of the friends moved to Australia to find work. Before leaving the three friends said to each other that they would have three pints each night to remember each other by. So then for the next several years, every night, the third man would go to the pub, order three pints, drink them quietly and then go home. Until one night he only ordered two pints. The locals were familiar with the tradition and were shocked at what happened. The confused bartender asked the man what was going on to which the man replied "Sure the wife's making me give up the drink"

A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table.

A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table. His son cones in and the man tells him to sit down. He says to his son, "if you take the $100 you will grow to be a gambler. If you take the whiskey, you will die as a drunk in the streets. But if you take the bible, you will be a holy man of God and live a good and righteous life."
The son sits and thinks for a moment, he then reaches out and takes the bible, the whiskey and the money off the table and walks out the door. The man sits stunned for a moment before he jumps out of his seat and proclaims "By God!!! My son is going to be an Irish priest!"

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

A plane is flying over the Atlantic

When suddenly the speaker comes on, it's the pilot, "A minor delay has occurred, we will be one hour late due to an engine faling, please do not panic this is a minor problem". The passengers are a litte worried but people carry on as normal. An hour later the speaker comes on again, "The flight will be delayed by two hours as our second engine has failed, do not worry this is a minor problem.". People are starting to get nervous now and talk among theirselves. Another hour later the speaker comes on yet again, " Ladies and gentlemen i'm afraid to announce we have lost our third engine and have only one remaining, this will delay us by five hours". The plane is dead silent with worry, when suddenly an Irish man at the back of the plane speaks up, "Well let's hope we don't lose another or we'll be up here all night!"

10 pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "
The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ".
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first ".

Another Irish Joke

Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says "What will ya have?" At the same time the two men say "A pint of Guinness." They look at each other and one says "You look familiar, are you from Ireland?" The man replies "Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually." The other man replies "Me too! What town!?"
The man says "I'm from Belcamp." The other man replies "Me too! What street?"
Man replies "Clonshaugh Road." The other man again replies "I grew up on Clonshaugh Road!"
So the two men carry on drinking and laughing and talking about the old country for a few hours and then go on their way. The evening manager eventually shows up and sees the bar empty. He asks the bartender if it has been slow. The bartender replies "We haven't had any customers yet except for the O'Brien twins."

So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...

The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.
The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes the man and he blows perfect zeros.
The cop, now confused, asks why he is 100% sober and appeared to be drunk walking out of the pub. The man responds "I wasn't drinking tonight because I'm the DD". The cop, even more confused responds, "but you aren't driving anyone home". The man replies "Yeah I know. I'm the Designated Decoy".

A Man walks into a irish bar

A Man walks into an Irish Bar, that was full of Irish Men. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
Whilst his beer is being poured a man in the bar stands up and says
"42".
Everyone starts laughing. The man ignores it.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Another man stands up and says
"62". Everyone is laughing again.
The man asks the bartender
"What going on."
The bartender says "Well, instead of saying the jokes, we number them. How about you give it a try"
"Oh alright" The man stands up and says
"94".
Everyone is laughing so hard, falling of chairs crying from laughter.
The man says to the bartender "Why was that so funny?"
"We haven't heard that one before"

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said… my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly say, "had him circumcised."

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS...

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS. The commander decides to put them to the test to see if they have what it takes.
He gives the English man a gun and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The English man looks appalled and says 'I can't do that I love her and we have two children'
He gives the gun to the Welsh man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Welsh man walks through the door but walks out immediately 'I can't kill my wife, I love her and we have 3 children.'
The commander gives the gun to the Irish man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Irish man walks through the door and the commander hears three shots fired and then a lot of grunting and groaning.
The Irish man comes out of the room and the commander says 'what happened?' The Irish man replied 'Well commander the gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle her."

Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .

My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.

The Irishman and the three beers

An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Irish Humor

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man...

Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, "if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand" the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window "we are in Dundee" he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys "we are in Dublin" he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, "we are in Liverpool" he says, shocked the pilot answers "Yes! Thats right, but how did you know?" The English man replies "because my watch has been stolen"

The Old Fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth."