Irish Man Jokes
137 irish man jokes and hilarious irish man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irish man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Irish Man Short Jokes
Short irish man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irish man humour may include short irish people jokes also.
- One man in the crowd then yelled Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
- A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman After much deliberation,they named their son
Ravi O'Lee - So two Irish men were walking down the street... ... and they saw a sign saying tree fellers wanted. One of the men said to the other, "too bad we're a man short"
- How long does it take for an Irish man to get to a .08 BAC? Approximately 2 days of sobriety.
- A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"
- My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop. The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.
- A mugger approaches an Irish man He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age." - Irish historians have discovered the headstone of the oldest man to have lived. He was 193 and was called Miles from Dublin.
- A man walks into an Irish bar... A man walks into an Irish bar and orders a tall glass of Guinness. The leprechaun next to him turns and says, Can I borrow a dollar?? I'm a little short.
- Gary Glitter; rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile walk into a Irish bar and the bar man says: not yewtree again . Boom boom.
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Irish Man One Liners
Which irish man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irish man? I can suggest the ones about irishman welshman and two irishmen.
- How many shots can an Irish man handle? about 10 rounds.
- How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ? None.
- An Irish man walks out of a bar.
- What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea
- An Irish man walked out of a bar. It could happen.
- What do you call an Irish man who's always breaking up fights? Liam Mallone
- An Irish man walked out of a bar... Theoretically, it could happen...
- An Irish man left the bar
- What do you call an Irish millionaire? A ginger bread man.
- What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand? Irish handcuffs.
- An Irish man walks on the street and ignores a bar... Muahahaha, like that's possible!
- What do you call an Irish man with a skin condition? Dermot O'logical
- What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden? Patti O'Furniture
- How can you tell that an Irish man is having a good time? He's Dublin over with laughter
- Who would win in a drinking contest, an Irish man or a German man? The bartender.
Cheerful Fun Irish Man Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about irish man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean paddy irishman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irish man pranks.
English man Irish man Scotch man are in a desert, they got captured by the Germans.
The Germans say, I will give you one thing before you die.
The Englishman man say water, the Scotch man say whiskey, the Irish man says a car door.
The Germans say, why do you want a car door.
The Irish man says, because when it gets hot, it can wind down the window.
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
Another Irish Joke
All these Irish jokes reminded me of one of my favorites:
A Catholic foreigner is walking down a street at night in Ireland when a man grabs him and holds a knife to his neck. The assailant yells,
"Are ye Protestant er Catholic?"
Terrified, the man thinks to himself, *if lie and tell him I'm Protestant, he may very well be Catholic. But if I tell the truth and say I'm Catholic, there's a large chance he'll be Protestant!*
So the man says, "Jewish"
The assailant grins and says "Lordy! I'm the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
Did you hear about the Irish man who tried to blow up a bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
An Irish man goes to the doctor...
An Irish man goes to the Doctor...
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
The patient then says...
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
an Irish man was working on a building site...
...the foreman asked him to fetch a wheel barrow. A while later the Irish man returned with a wheel barrow in a wheel barrow.
The foreman said "I asked for a barrow why have you fetched two"
The Irish man replied "I needed something to carry it back in"
An irish man requests a guiness
"One Guiness please"
-*"You must be Irish"*
"What, just because I ordered a Guiness? If I ordered a big mac would you think I was American?"
-*"Um, Sir.."*
If I ordered a tortilla would you think I was mexican?! Racist s**...!"
-*"But.. sorry sir.. This is a library."*
How to get kicked out of an Irish pub
So at an Irish pub a man orders a steak. The waitress asks the man how he wants the steak cooked. The man responds by saying "Like an irish potato in 1845"
Grieving in Ireland
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No tanks mister. s**... is the last thing on me mind at the moment.'
A black man starts work on a construction site in Liverpool.
The other workers nickname him "w**...".
Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got m**... and p**..., they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".
The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "m**..., Mack, p**..., Wac leave the w**... alone!"
An Irish man is sitting in a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "Can I give you a b**...?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin' about me gettin' a job"
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
New Irish sport
A new sport is sweeping Ireland.
Apparently everyone gathers round and watches a scruffily dressed man lazing about.
It's called "t**...-o-leaning".
An Irish man goes to an alcoholics anonymous meeting.
So, this ventriloquist's doing a gig at a pub and has people rolling over their seats laughing.
At one point, he delivers an Irish joke, and a man in the crowd gets up, points at him, and roars: 'What's ye's telling them offenshev jokes, for?! Some of us here are Paddys, boy-o!'
The ventroloquist stops, turns to the man and says: 'I'm sorry, sir, I was just telling a joke. I didn't mean to offend you so. I'll keep it clean of offensive jokes from now on.'
And the p**... goes: 'Who's talkin' to ye's?! I was shpeakin' to the man on your lap!'
A Man walks into a irish bar
A Man walks into an Irish Bar, that was full of Irish Men. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
Whilst his beer is being poured a man in the bar stands up and says
"42".
Everyone starts laughing. The man ignores it.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Another man stands up and says
"62". Everyone is laughing again.
The man asks the bartender
"What going on."
The bartender says "Well, instead of saying the jokes, we number them. How about you give it a try"
"Oh alright" The man stands up and says
"94".
Everyone is laughing so hard, falling of chairs crying from laughter.
The man says to the bartender "Why was that so funny?"
"We haven't heard that one before"
What do you call somebody an STD infested Irish man who lives in bikini bottom?
A crabby patty!
So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.
He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.
So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."
Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"
and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"
Racial Humor
An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".
A man sees a really attractive woman on a train reading the newspaper
...so he chats her up on today's headline.
He: "So, yesterday was the Nymphomaniacs' Congress. I don't suppose you've attended, did you?"
She: "Well, as a matter of fact, I did."
He: "And? What's new in the world of nymphomaniacs?"
She: "Nothing much, Indians have the longest, the Irish can go the longest, same old, same old."
He: "Oh, where are my manners? The name's a O'Connor. Geronimo O'Connor."
Irishman and a Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
Why did the rich Irish woman want to marry a Jewish man?
Because she always dreamed of Dublin her money.
What's the most useless part on a women? A drunken Irish man.
An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging.....
in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago.
The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago.
The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
What did the Irish man and the mongol woman name their child?
Lepre Kahn
The Irishman and the three beers
An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
A Scotsman and an Irish man walk into a bar
And the Scotsman shouts "All the drinks are on me!"
The next morning the headlines read *"Irish Ventriloquist Found Dead Behind Bar"*
How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$?
He bet 10$ on the soccer game and 20$ on the replay.
A small Irish man escaped from prison today.
He's a leprechaun-vict.
Irish Humor
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...
He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"
The man said "i'm atheist actually"
The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"
A Texan walks into an Irish bar...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
One of Colin Mochrie's many gut busters.
Famous Irish hit-man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy was arrested today, and confessed to the crime of beating a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcilean dolls. The police admit, this may be the first recorded instance of a knick knack p**... whack...
Irish Joke
p**... walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
p**... replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".
I once met a man who was half Irish and half Scottish
He needed a drink but he couldn't afford one.
Classic
An Englishman and an Irish man walk into a bar...
...they were watching Wales get through to the semi final.
What is the difference between a Black man and an Irish man
Theyre all priced individually, sorry
What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch?
p**... O' furniture
An Irish man, a Russian man and an English man all go to a magic park
At the park there is a magic slide and each man who goes down it will recive a p**... of whatever they desire
The Irish man says "gold!" And he lands in a p**... of gold.
The Russian man says "silver! " and he lands in a p**... of silver.
The English man says "Weee! " and he lands in a p**... of wee.
So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...
... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."
So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."
The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....
He's called to the chair.
'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.
'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.
Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
'That's right, p**... - tell them nothing!'
Irish man arrested for domestic a**...
The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her p**...?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"
Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans?
If he ate one more, it would be too f**...!
an irish man left the bar......
no, really, it happened......
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man.
What's the difference between an inmate with a skin disease and a tiny Irish man?
One's a l**...-con, and the other's a leprechaun.
An Irish man calls a Chinese takeaway after a night in the pub
*phone rings*
Chinese takeaway: "Hello, Wan-King"
Irishman: "Oh Christ I'll call you back in 10 minutes"
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**...!" he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".
An Irish man asks the time in Scotland.
It's five Mc Clock.
A Jewish guy and an Irish guy are walking down the street when a beautiful woman walks by them...
The Irish guy says "man, I'd love to screw her." The Jewish guy says "screw her out of what?"
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
One man in the crowd stood up and yelled
So, is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant God?
A French man and an Irish man walk into a bar.
The French guy asks his friend: "say, how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?".
The Irish replies: "how would I know? I'm neither an electrician nor an anthropologist!"
An Irish man and a m**... sat next to each other on a plane.
The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.
The flight attendant asks the m**...:
"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"
The m**... responds:
"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen w**... than have alcohol touch my lips."
The Irish man interrupts saying:
"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."
"Shoo ... shoo"
An Irish man is standing in the street, irractically waving his arms in the air shouting "shoo ...shoo".
A puzzled passerby asks him, "What are you doing, p**...?"
"It keeps the dragons away", he replies.
"There are no dragons, p**...".
"You're welcome!"
What do you call a man who's half Irish and half German?
A soldier too drunk to take orders.
An Irish man frees a genie
and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"
Beer was lit
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar and shaken awake. The firemen frantically ask him, 'How did the fire start?!'
'Beats me.' He says, 'It was already burning when I got here.'
An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants
It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.
Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"
"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt been used as much"
Two English men and an Irish man are in a bar.
The first English man says "I think my wife is cheating on me with an electrician, I found a pair of pliers under our bed."
The second English man says "My wife is cheating on me with a plumber, I found a pipe under our bed."
The Irish man looks at both English men and says "Well my wife is cheating on me with a horse. Last night I found a jokey under our bed."
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "d**... if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"
An Irish man walks into a bar...
An Irish man walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him, What's wrong?
The boy says, Me ma is dead .
Oh bejaysus," the man says.
Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?
The boy replies, No tanks mister. s**... is the last ting on me mind at the moment..
