Irish Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

What do you call two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

Why are the Irish so rich?

Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Why are there no Irish lawyers?

They can't pass the bar.

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

One fewer drunk person.

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

They can never get past the bar.

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more and they would get too farty

You must be Irish

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness.

-"You must be Irish."

"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

-"I didn't..."

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

-"No, but..."

"So why the hell do you think I'm Irish then?"

-"Sir, this is a book store."

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.

Yep. It can happen.

What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?

Tree fellers

One Guinness please

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness."

"You must be Irish."

"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

"I didn't..."

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

"No, but..."

"So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?"

"Sir, this is a book store."

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drinker

so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist......

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.

The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.

The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.

The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.

"Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.

"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.

"A prostitute."

"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili??

If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!

Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.

One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"

An Irishman and a Mormon are on a plane.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores".


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?

Because one more, and it'd be too farty.

What's Irish and stays out on your deck?

Paddy O'furniture

What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.

What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?

Irene.

An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The art of sex [NSFW]

An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex.
The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure"
The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings to her, and she rises 6 feet off the bed in pure ecstasy"
The Irish man says "well, after I bang my missus I get up, wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

An Irish priest...

An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He asked, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," said the priest.

The trooper asked, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looked at the bottle and exclaimed, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

I like my women how I like my whiskey

Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.

Why can't Irish people become lawyers?

Because of their inability to pass the bar!

Credit to my dad for this one

An Irish man walks out of a bar.

A British, Irish and Scottish

Walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg and scream "SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!!".

How do you get an Irishman to stop drinking?

I could really use some help on this, I had a party two weeks ago and Sheamus is still here

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in the cookpot?

Because one more would be too farty.

A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute.

'A WHAT?' The mother shouts.

'A prostitute' replies the girl.

'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Pati O'Furniture

Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it?

(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.

What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot?

Because any more would be too farty.

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture.

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."

Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ?

Because it rhymes with Bank Manager

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.

She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"

"Yes, tis" says the priest.

"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.

"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

"Was it a quick death, father?"

"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None

What are the funniest irish jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Irish? Well, here are the best Irish puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Irish pick up lines to share with friends.

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