The Best 72 Irish Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Irish jokes. There are some irish lingus jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these irish ireland puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Irish Jokes and Puns

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

There is one less drunk at the wake

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.

Irish joke, How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."


An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Pati O'Furniture

Irish joke, What's Irish and stays out all night?

Why are there no Irish lawyers?

They can't pass the bar.

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.

An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?

Because one more, and it'd be too farty.

You can explore irish farty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean irish scottish dad jokes. There are also irish puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ?

Because it rhymes with Bank Manager

Why can't Irish people become lawyers?

Because of their inability to pass the bar!

Credit to my dad for this one

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

Why are the Irish so rich?

Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

Irish joke, A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.

She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"

"Yes, tis" says the priest.

"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.

"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

"Was it a quick death, father?"

"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.

Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot?

Because any more would be too farty.


Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

An Irish man walks out of a bar.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

They can never get past the bar.

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili??

If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!

One man in the crowd then yelled

Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?

Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it?

(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.

What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?

Tree fellers

What's Irish and stays out on your deck?

Paddy O'furniture

An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

What do you call two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.

"Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.

"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.

"A prostitute."

"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute.

'A WHAT?' The mother shouts.

'A prostitute' replies the girl.

'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

One fewer drunk person.

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.

The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.

The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.

The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.

What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?

Irene.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None.

Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.

One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"

How do you get an Irishman to stop drinking?

I could really use some help on this, I had a party two weeks ago and Sheamus is still here

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more and they would get too farty

I like my women how I like my whiskey

Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.

Yep. It can happen.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drinker

Drunks

Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"

Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"

Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."

Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

Drunk guy: "Huh?"

Drunk girl: "That's

I want to see if this Irish joke translates

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.

He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.

By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

What do you call 2 Irish lesbians 69ing?

Gaelic.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!"

News headline the next morning:

IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB

What's the only thing more Irish than eating potatoes?

Not having any potatoes to eat!

What do you call an Irish child that is bouncing off the walls?

Rick O'Shay

There was a devastating earthquake in the Irish town of Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll.

Relief workers are still at work trying to figure out what was the town's name before the catastrophe.

What do you call Mary J blige's over accommodating Irish cousin?

Mary O'Blige

What do you call a northern Irish hunger strike?

A Bel Fast

An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them aflame. "Special, just for you."

The American frowns, "What the hell is this?"

"I call it a 9/11."


*This is a joke my pal from Kerry told me, all credit to him.*

What do you call a stoned Irish person?

A baked potato.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the irish kilkenny jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working irish fast and irish piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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