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Irish Jokes

155 irish jokes and hilarious irish puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about irish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article includes a collection of Irish jokes that are sure to make you laugh. From funny Irish sayings to classic Irish jokes, these will have you in stitches.

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Funniest Irish Short Jokes

Short irish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irish humour may include short irish drink jokes also.

  1. A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
    They named him Ravi O. Lee
    Sorry
  2. One man in the crowd then yelled Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
  3. The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.
  4. What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
  5. My Grandmother was 80% Irish Her name was Iris.
  6. how many Irish mammies does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Don't mind me, I'll sit in the dark. You kids go have your fun.
  7. What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.
    What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?
    Irene.
  8. Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.
    Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.
  9. An Irish man walks out of a bar.
  10. A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman After much deliberation,they named their son
    Ravi O'Lee

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Irish One Liners

Which irish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irish? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
  2. My grandma is 80% Irish. Her name is Iris.
  3. What do you call two gay Irish men? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
  4. Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe
  5. Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
  6. How many shots can an Irish man handle? about 10 rounds.
  7. I like my women like I like my coffee ... ... Irish and stinking of whiskey.
  8. I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
  9. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ? None.
  10. Frog DNA... A frog got his DNA test back.
    He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole.
  11. What do you call three Irish lumberjacks? Tree fellers
  12. What's more Irish than potatoes? No potatoes.
  13. I have an Irish joke to tell. An Irishman walks out of a bar
  14. Two Irish men walk out of a bar... ......what? It could happen
  15. I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

Irish Man Jokes

Here is a list of funny irish man jokes and even better irish man puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea
  • An Irish man walked out of a bar. It could happen.
  • What do you call an Irish man who's always breaking up fights? Liam Mallone
  • So two Irish men were walking down the street... ... and they saw a sign saying tree fellers wanted. One of the men said to the other, "too bad we're a man short"
  • How long does it take for an Irish man to get to a .08 BAC? Approximately 2 days of sobriety.
  • An Irish man walked out of a bar... Theoretically, it could happen...
  • An Irish man left the bar
  • What do you call an Irish millionaire? A ginger bread man.
  • A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"
  • My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop. The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

Irish Drink Jokes

Here is a list of funny irish drink jokes and even better irish drink puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
  • A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
    IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB
  • How do we know Jesus was Irish? He lived at home til he was 30, had 12 drinking buddies and his mother thought he was God.
  • I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes... As soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone
  • Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into an unintelligible rabble. Or as the Irish call it... breakfast.
  • What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
  • I am almost completely Irish ....in fact, all summer when I was on my college break I thought to myself "Irish I was drinking right now."
  • Happy St. Patricks Day. Where we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into unconsciousness. Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.
  • did you know jesus was irish? true story, he never held a job, had twelve drinking buddies, and his mum thought he was god.....
  • What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song? You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.
Irish joke, What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song?

Irish Drinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny irish drinking jokes and even better irish drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Who would win in a drinking contest, an Irish man or a German man? The bartender.
  • I once met a man who was half Irish and half Scottish He needed a drink but he couldn't afford one.
  • Here's a new drinking Came. It's called Going Irish. You take 10 rounds of shots and then you pass out.
  • I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so... I'm drinking if you're buying.
  • A Scotsman and an Irish man walk into a bar And the Scotsman shouts "All the drinks are on me!"
    The next morning the headlines read *"Irish Ventriloquist Found Dead Behind Bar"*
  • We should rename races to drinks. French = Wine
    Irish = Beer
    Jewish = Cordial
  • My new favorite drink at the bar. It's called the Paul Walker. It's an irish car bomb followed by a shot of fireball.
  • What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
  • How do you call it when an Irish person goes out for drinks? A bargain
  • I'm not Irish I just drink like I am.

Paddy Irish Jokes

Here is a list of funny paddy irish jokes and even better paddy irish puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For St Paddys day Say "Irish wristwatch" 3 times fast
  • What's Irish and stays outside all year long? p**... O'Furniture
  • What's Irish and stays out all summer? p**... O'furniture.
  • What's Irish and stays out on your deck? p**... O'furniture
  • What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? p**... O'Furniture!
    (Happy St. Patrick's Day)
  • What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice p**....
    -
  • What's Irish and sits by the pool? p**... O'Furniture
  • What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather? p**... O'Furniture.
  • What's Irish and sits in your garden? p**... O' Furniture
  • What's Irish and comes out in summer? p**... O'Furniture
Irish joke, What's Irish and comes out in summer?

The Funniest Irish Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh

What funny jokes about irish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irish pranks.

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

There is one less drunk at the wake

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Pati O'Furniture

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.

An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?

Because one more, and it'd be too f**....

Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ?

Because it rhymes with Bank Manager

Why can't Irish people become lawyers?

Because of their inability to pass the bar!
Credit to my dad for this one

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "v**...!", and lands into bottles of v**... at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

A Irishman, m**... goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
m**... : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup p**...?

Because any more would be too f**....

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

They can never get past the bar.

Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili??

If they added just one more, it would be too-f**...!

Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it?

(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too f**....

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a p**....

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a p**..." then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".

Mom, I want to be a p**... when I grow up.

"Mom, I want to be a p**... when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.
"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.
"A p**...."
"Oh, a p**.... Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a p**....

'A WHAT?' The mother shouts.
'A p**...' replies the girl.
'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish f**...?

One fewer drunk person.

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**...!" he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "d**... if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.

One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"

How do you get an Irishman to stop drinking?

I could really use some help on this, I had a party two weeks ago and Sheamus is still here

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more and they would get too f**...

I like my women how I like my whiskey

Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.

Yep. It can happen.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish f**...?

One less drinker

Drunks

Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's

I want to see if this Irish joke translates

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

What do you call 2 Irish l**... 69ing?

Gaelic.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee

An Irishman goes into the confessional box...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."

3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a v**....
3. His mother thought he was God.

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too f**...

In the Irish army there is a s**... famous for eliminating targets by bouncing his shots off of rocks and other hard surfaces

His name is Rick O'Shea

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

Why do Irish people only ever put 239 beans in their stew?

Because one more would be too f**....

Irish joke, Why do Irish people only ever put 239 beans in their stew?

jokes about irish