Irish Jokes
144 irish jokes and hilarious irish puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about irish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article includes a collection of Irish jokes that are sure to make you laugh. From funny Irish sayings to classic Irish jokes, these will have you in stitches.
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Funniest Irish Short Jokes
Short irish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The irish humour may include short jokes also.
- A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
Sorry - One man in the crowd then yelled Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
- The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.
- What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
- What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
- whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? There is one less drunk at the wake
- My sister told me she's dating an Irish guy I said, "Oh really?"
She replied, "No, O'Reilly." - A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
- An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents Her mother says:
"You bring great Shamus to this family." - Toast at a Wedding "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.
"cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.
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Irish One Liners
Which irish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with irish? I can suggest the ones about and .
- An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
- My grandma is 80% Irish. Her name is Iris.
- Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe
- How many shots can an Irish man handle? about 10 rounds.
- I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
- Frog DNA... A frog got his DNA test back.
He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole. - What do you call three Irish lumberjacks? Tree fellers
- What's more Irish than potatoes? No potatoes.
- I have an Irish joke to tell. An Irishman walks out of a bar
- I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
- I like my women how I like my whiskey Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
- What do Irish people call a Dwayne Johnson impersonator? A Sham-Rock
- What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'Furniture
- Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
- Who's Irish and sits outside all year round? Patty O'Furniture
Irish Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny irish man jokes and even better irish man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an Irish man who's always breaking up fights? Liam Mallone
- How long does it take for an Irish man to get to a .08 BAC? Approximately 2 days of sobriety.
- An Irish man left the bar
- A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"
- My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop. The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.
- What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand? Irish handcuffs.
- Irish historians have discovered the headstone of the oldest man to have lived. He was 193 and was called Miles from Dublin.
- An Irish man walks on the street and ignores a bar... Muahahaha, like that's possible!
- A man walks into an Irish bar... A man walks into an Irish bar and orders a tall glass of Guinness. The leprechaun next to him turns and says, Can I borrow a dollar?? I'm a little short.
- Grampa O'Malley A little boy asks Grandpa O'Malley, "Can I have five bucks to buy a guinea pig?"
"Here," says the old man as he hands the boy a $10 bill. "Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead."
Irish Drinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny irish drinking jokes and even better irish drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do we know Jesus was Irish? He lived at home til he was 30, had 12 drinking buddies and his mother thought he was God.
- Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into an unintelligible rabble. Or as the Irish call it... breakfast.
- What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
- I am almost completely Irish ....in fact, all summer when I was on my college break I thought to myself "Irish I was drinking right now."
- What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song? You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.
- Who would win in a drinking contest, an Irish man or a German man? The bartender.
- I once met a man who was half Irish and half Scottish He needed a drink but he couldn't afford one.
- Here's a new drinking Came. It's called Going Irish. You take 10 rounds of shots and then you pass out.
- I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so... I'm drinking if you're buying.
- We should rename races to drinks. French = Wine
Irish = Beer
Jewish = Cordial
Paddy Irish Jokes
Here is a list of funny paddy irish jokes and even better paddy irish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For St Paddys day Say "Irish wristwatch" 3 times fast
Patrick Irish Jokes
Here is a list of funny patrick irish jokes and even better patrick irish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ever hear of the gay irish couple? Patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick
- What's Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick's Day party? Patty O'furniture
- Irish Jokes Megathread Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.
- What do you call a gay Irish couple? John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn
- In honour of St Patrick's day, can you guess my Irish name? Pat MiGroin.
Yeah, my grandpa just told me that one...some visual images cannot be unseen. - What do you call two contented gay Irish men? Henry Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhenry
- St. Patrick's Day... It's the closest Irish will ever get to Christmas.
- Remember it's St Patrick's day today, try and stand out from the crowd... ... wear all orange, it's also an Irish color
- An Irish gay wedding Brian Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzbrian
- I want to make a special present for my dad's birthday. How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha? He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together
The Funniest Irish Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about irish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make irish pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
An Irishman walks into a bar ....
An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says:
"Right, this looks like a fair fight."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you tell me why the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili?
well me boy, one more would be "twofarty".
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A w**... Contest.
Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a w**... contest to see who has the biggest w**...! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"
So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a w**... contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
A teacher asks her class
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...
and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...
An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "v**...!", and lands into bottles of v**... at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.
An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy
An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"
My first drink with my son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Job Fatality in Ireland
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
Irishman and a Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
At an Irish wedding...
...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
What did the Irishman text his Wife?
"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a p**....
her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a p**..." then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call two gay Irish men?
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..
Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".
An Irish Lumberjack
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.
and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent?
Rice p**....
-
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American walks into an Irish pub
An Irishman yells, "Oi, y**...! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"
Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.
One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
9 is enough.
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
How do you get an Irishman to stop drinking?
I could really use some help on this, I had a party two weeks ago and Sheamus is still here
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
Drunks
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.
The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"
The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"
The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"
He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with v**..., and lights them aflame. "Special, just for you."
The American frowns, "What the h**... is this?"
"I call it a 9/11."
*This is a joke my pal from Kerry told me, all credit to him.*
A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..
After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee
An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish
1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a v**....
3. His mother thought he was God.
A man walks into the Irish bar
The barman says:
-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.
-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man
-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
An Irishman walks out of a bar
Nah, just kidding
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar
… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.
Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.
A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the Irish army there is a s**... famous for eliminating targets by bouncing his shots off of rocks and other hard surface
His name is Rick O'Shea
