Iris Jokes
100 iris jokes and hilarious iris puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about iris that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Iris Short Jokes
Short iris jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The iris humour may include short optic jokes also.
- I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer. Maybe my iPhone is just broken
- In the eye, what sits in front of the Lens, but behind the Iris? The Pupil, that's right, I didn't make a joke, bet you didn't see that one coming.
- Just watched The Martian I found it odd that NASA would commission SpaceX to make the Iris probe.
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Iris One Liners
Which iris one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with iris? I can suggest the ones about vision and eyes.
- My grandma is 80% Irish. Her name is Iris.
- I dissected an iris today... It was an eye opening experience.
- Why a pirate could not spell iris? He had only one 'i'
- A friend of mine fell and broke his Iris Guess he was IRISponsible
- What's an optometrist's favourite t**... group? Iris
The Funniest Iris Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about iris you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mirror jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make iris pranks.
How do you get an Irishman on your roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house!
What is the name of an Irish girl who hangs out on your lawn?
Patti O'Furniture
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked"
I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
An Irishman walks into a bar ....
An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says:
"Right, this looks like a fair fight."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you tell me why the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili?
well me boy, one more would be "twofarty".
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Pati O'Furniture
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ?
Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish lawnmower
p**... was waiting at the bus stop with m**... when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says p**....
What's dat? says m**....
Send me lawn away to be cut, says p**....
edit;typing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish man is sitting in a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "Can I give you a b**...?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin' about me gettin' a job"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...
An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "v**...!", and lands into bottles of v**... at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.
Why are the irish so rich?
Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish sectarianism joke
An American is visiting Ireland, and walking back to his hotel from the local pub. Suddenly he hears a voice behind him, demanding, "Are you a protestant or a catholic??". The American is well aware of the sectarian issues in Ireland and is understandably afraid to admit to either affiliation. In a flash of inspiration he responds, "neither, in Jewish!". And the voice comes back, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub...
They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....
A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".
The bartender looks at the Irishman.
Looks at the penguin.
Looks at the crocodile.
Looks at the parrot.
Looks back to the Irishman and says,
"What's all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?"
An Irishman walks into an AA meeting.
Just kidding.
At an Irish wedding, someone said,
"Would all the married men stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living?" The bartender was almost crushed to death.
An Irish mother comes home from holiday
Mother to her son: "Where's your brother jimmy?"
Son: " Oh, He died."
Mother: "Jesus christ! Don't just come out with something like that, at least give me a warning of some sorts, like say he was on the roof and he fell off it or something!"
Son: "Oh ok, sorry mother"
Mother: "Never mind about that, where's your father?"
Son: "Well, He was on the roof..."
An Irish man left the bar
Irishman and a Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
At an Irish wedding...
...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
What did the Irishman text his Wife?
"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
So many Irish twins being born these days
the numbers just keep Dublin up.
Where do Irish people go for breakfast?
Drunkin Donuts
One man in the crowd then yelled
Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....
It could happen.
Irish Jokes Megathread
Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.
I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night
A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...
He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"
The man said "i'm atheist actually"
The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"
What do Irish feminists call men?
O'Pressors
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a p**....
her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a p**..." then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..
Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".
An Irish Lumberjack
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do the Irish cure a hangover?
With a f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish Joke
p**... walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
p**... replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".
My Irish friend was telling me about his uncle.
"My uncle's a cop, you know," he said.
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Riley."
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
Two Irish men were talking one morning..
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....
He's called to the chair.
'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.
'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.
Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
'That's right, p**... - tell them nothing!'
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.
They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.
Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.
One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
An Irishman walks into a bar.....
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman is drinking at a pub when God Himself appears to him
"Pat McGinty! If you don't stop your drinking, I'll make you smaller and smaller until you become a mouse!"
Shocked, Pat rushes home to think. His wife notices his duress and asks him what's wrong. Somberly, Patrick looks up and says "God just appeared to me. He told me we had to get rid of the cat."
Two Irishmen are talking ...
One says to the other "Y'know, green is my favourite colour in the whole world! In fact, I like it more than blue and yellow combined!"
How do you get an Irishman to stop drinking?
I could really use some help on this, I had a party two weeks ago and Sheamus is still here
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
an irish girl confesses shes a p**... to her father
at first he gets s**... angry starts yelling at her, how could she betray him, calls her all kinds of names including soup taker. She looks confused at this and asks her father to accompany her to confession. Her dad stares at her for a moment and then he hugs her, crying tears of relief. The he says, "I thought you said you were a protestant!"
Who's Irish and sits outside all year round?
Patty O'Furniture
An Irishman goes to a doctor
Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober
An irishman named Sean cloned himself multiple times but just couldn't stand being around the 11th one...
There was ten Sean between them.
What's more Irish than living off of potatoes?
Dying from no potatoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen leave a f**...
One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"
What's more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish swingers
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing s**..., p**... says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish Doughnuts
p**... and m**... are walking down the road and p**...'s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
p**... says to m**..., If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.
The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff
He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.
He goes to his wife, 'Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?'
Mary responds: '239.'
Why my love?
Mary: any more would be too f**...
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!",
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD... they got me girl too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Irish woman is n**... starting at herself in the mirror
Her husband walks in and asks what in the h**... are you doing?
I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body, she replied.
Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish a**...?
You didn't come up in conversation, she replied.
(I don't know why she's Irish, but when I heard the joke she was so I'm keeping it going!)
What's Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick's Day party?
Patty O'furniture
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there so few Irish vampires?
They can't stand Gaelic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen lose their oars
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
An Irishman walks out of a bar
Nah, just kidding
An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
The bartender says, Is that a steering wheel down your pants?
The Irishman replies, Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the Irish army there is a s**... famous for eliminating targets by bouncing his shots off of rocks and other hard surface
His name is Rick O'Shea
I have an Irish joke to tell.
An Irishman walks out of a bar
