Invited Jokes
118 invited jokes and hilarious invited puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about invited that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Invited jokes aim to lighten up a difficult subject - being left out or not invited. This article takes a humorous approach to being left out of a dinner party or swinger's club. Find out why not being invited can be a fun experience.
Funniest Invited Short Jokes
Short invited jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The invited humour may include short invitation jokes also.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.
- I'm really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. $2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking..... ......I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house.
- I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad He didn't show up
- A girl I was dating invited me over to her place. When I went into her room, she had a Soviet banner draped on her wall. I left immediately. It was a big red flag.
- I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
- Told my girlfriend that there was a party in my pants and that she was invited. She asked if it was a search party :(
- My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother's surprise party. That's when I realized he was her favourite twin.
- Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him, and he's the light of the world, I do it, and it ruins Thanksgiving.
- Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio. Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
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Invited One Liners
Which invited one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with invited? I can suggest the ones about welcomed and summoned.
- My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time
- Why are Alabama weddings so small? Because you only need to invite one family.
- Why are Alabama weddings so small? They've only gotta invite one family
- Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary? They couldn't afford it.
- How do you keep a baptist from drinking at your party? Invite two of them
- We should invite all of the ISIS fighters to Texas. They could have a yeehawd.
- Why did mike tyson bring his calculator to church? He was invited to thunday math.
- Why do planets never get invited to summer soirées? They always try to eclipse the fun.
- Why are C programmers never invited to parties? They have no class
- Friends invited me to a meteor shower party, but I couldn't make it. They were crushed.
- My friend thanked me for inviting him along to Fight Club. I replied "Don't mention it."
- What does reality and an MMORPG have in common? You never get invited to a party
- I invited my erectile dysfunction support group over for a BBQ... Nobody came.
- How do you invite a Native Alaskan to your home? You Eskimover!
- I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts It was a hard drive
Not Invited Jokes
Here is a list of funny not invited jokes and even better not invited puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill" Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
- What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman? He invited her over to net fish and krill.
- Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you? If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.
- A friend invited me to his place the other day. When I got there he said to make myself at home.
So I kicked him out because I don't like having company over. - It's in the Smile A boy met a girl....
Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Boy (smiling): Why thank you... are you single?
Girl: No, I am a dentist. - After a fun night, he invited me to his place. But then I realized he was a communist. I should've seen the red flags.
- My friend once got an invite to a party that said "black tie only" But when he got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
- Why did Donald Trump invite Kim Kardashian to talk about prison reform? Because she's had more black dudes in her than a jail.
- Wedding RSVP Apparently it's not acceptable to RSVP a wedding invitation with 'sorry, maybe next time'.
- I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me, but she stood me up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out after all.
Comical & Quirky Invited Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about invited you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean birthday invitation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make invited pranks.
My girlfriend...
... invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably s**..., she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have s**..." , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car
Husband comes home and says:
Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.
My girlfriend invited me to her house...
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat their waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably s**... sister was waiting their with me. A few minutes go by, then she comes up next to me and whispers in my ear "we should have s**... before my sister comes home." I immediately got up turned around and walked to my car when I found my girlfriend standing by the door at which point she hugged me and said "you've earned my trust" Moral of the story, always keep your condoms in your car.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to the historical costume party?
"I'll be Bach"
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
All the single ladles
Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.
Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."
A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"
Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."
Several weeks later, a reply came.
"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
Pregnant Lady on the Train
A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"
My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today...
My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!
Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car
I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...
But I was too scared to come.
My dad and I were never that close.
The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father
Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office...
Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the b**....
Why wasn't h**... invited to the BBQ?
Because he always burns the franks.
A guy walking into a bar
sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
Poor Old fool, he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?
The old man replied, You're the eighth.
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.
So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable s**... sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me:
"We should have s**... while my sister isn't home."
I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I find my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said:
"You've just won my trust honey!"
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...
... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy
All of Hitlers generals were having a cookout, why wasn't h**... invited?
He always burnt the franks.
A man was invited to a wedding
When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written
1. Bride Relatives
2. Groom Relatives
He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the Men's door and found two more doors
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party?
I'll be Bach.
I was invited to a party...
The dress code said "black tie only".
But when I got there, I noticed other people had worn shirts and trousers too
"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."
"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."
I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward...
...probably because I wasn't invited...
A rich, young man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a few drinks. As he is enjoying his beer, he sees a mentally r**... man outside the building.
Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched the old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?
The old man replied, You're the eighth.
I found my wife, my soulmate, my best friend on tinder
I guess I wasn't invited to the o**....
Why doesn't h**... ever get invited to a BBQ?
He keeps burning the Franks
An old Soviet joke..
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) n**... in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."
Why didn't my teddy bear get invited to Thanksgiving?
He 's already stuffed!
George W Bush, Barack Obama, and Trump all die and go to heaven.
Upon arriving, God asks them respectively what they believe in.
Bush said he believes in American exceptionalism, the right to bear arms, and the free market.
God said alright, you can take this seat to my right.
Obama said he believes in everyone having Healthcare, equal rights for all, and sustainability.
God invited him to take the seat to His left.
Trump said "I believe you're in my seat"
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
I was invited to a f**... at 6 AM
But I declined, because I'm really not a mourning person.
I invited necrophiliacs to my f**...
Everyone came
My girlfriend said she wanted our first s**... experience together to be like a fairytale.
So I invited seven midgets to join in.
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
A man was invited to a wedding...
A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:
1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives
He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the men's door and found two doors again:
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and
He found himself outside the hotel.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
A priest was invited to attend a house party
.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.
Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?
A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.
The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:
"Name?"
"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."
"Do you have a visa?"
"No, but we were invited here."
"Occupation?"
"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."
My Native American girlfriend was nervous the first time she invited me back to her place
She had her reservations
My son's team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...
The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.
It's because the cons outweigh the pros.
A man met a woman at a bar and she invited him home
Once there, they head straight to her bedroom. The guy sees her shelves are covered with stuffed animals. It seems a little weird, but he thinks maybe she didn't get many of them when she was younger, and now she's making up for it. Regardless, they jump in bed together.
After s**..., the guy says "That was amazing. How was it for you?"
She replies "You may have anything from the bottom shelf."
Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi
My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses f**....
Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.
Indira Gandhi replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he asked the old man, "and how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth", the old man answered.
We're very close with our lesbian neighbors.
We're very close with our lesbian neighbors. Just the other day we invited them over for dinner.
They said they'd prefer to eat out.
At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"
That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.
Revenge on a four-year-old child
A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"
I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.
Why isn't Skrillex invited fishing?
Because he keeps dropping the bass.
Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.
Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.
Husband: I know all that.
Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?
Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.
My friend invited me to go drag racing with him and I thought yeah that sounds fun
Turns out it is really freaking hard to run in the heels
I was recently invited to try skydiving without a parachute.
It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full d**... bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.
I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.
Marriage Invitation!
I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."
I read it again and again. Was getting confused...
Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend
The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...
... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.
I received a wedding invitation.
It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."
After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.
David was invited to John's house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, My Love and Darling and Sweetheart.
When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, You guys are really still in love!
John replied, No. I just forgot her name.
A man was proudly showing his new apartment to some friends, he had invited over last night.
They go to the bedroom and there is a big brass gong in the corner.
One of the guests asks, "What is that gong for?"
The host replies, "That is the talking clock."
Impressed, the guest asks again, "How does it work?"
The host says, "Watch", and hits the gong hard with a hammer.
From the other side of the wall, someone screams, "For gods sake, you idiot, it's 2 am in the morning."
One day, Jack's lightbulb wasn't working
He called the electrician immediately and hoped he could fix it. The electrician tried his best, but could not make it glow.
After a while, the electrician said, "There is one last thing we can try". Desperate, Jack agreed to follow his instructions. The electrician then invited 10 people into Jack's apartment, and instructed them all to put their hands on the lightbulb.
Suddenly, the lightbulb started working! Jack was stunned, and asked the electrician, "How did you do that?!"
The electrician smiled and said, "Many hands make light work."
The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke w**... after work, but I told her no
I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Clark Kent looked ill when I invited him to our Bitcoin trading party after work.
I wonder if he has an aversion to Crypto Night.
"Poor Old fool thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub…
So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?
The old man replied, You're the eighth.
Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi!
But why was he asked to leave?
Because there wasn't mushroom…
A man bought himself an expensive new car
He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.
First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.
Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.
Then finally, the rabbi sang a song & cut off the end of the tailpipe.