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Investment Jokes

107 investment jokes and hilarious investment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about investment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking to get a chuckle out of the financial world? Check out this collection of jokes about investments, stock trading, budgeting, ROI and more! From hilarious stories about investment bankers to clever puns about withdrawals, invest in a few laughs today!

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Funniest Investment Short Jokes

Short investment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The investment humour may include short financial jokes also.

  1. A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
    Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
  2. My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
  3. How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
  4. A boy asked his Bitcoin investing uncle for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin.
    Uncle: $10.28? What do you need $8.41 for?
  5. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
  6. There's this new cryptocurrency called Decibel. You just yell in your microphone to get money... It's a sound investment.
  7. Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
  8. A crossfit enthused, bitcoin investing vegan walks into a bar... Oh, they already told you about it too?
  9. Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
  10. A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday Dad: What? $6,244??? $5,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $3,782 for anyway?

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Investment One Liners

Which investment one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with investment? I can suggest the ones about income and capital.

  1. How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing? Start with ten million.
  2. There's this new cryptocurrency called Decibel. 🚀🔊🌕 It's a sound investment.
  3. Where does 007 invest his money? Bonds. Stocks and bonds.
  4. I bought some new speakers today...... I think I made a sound investment.
  5. Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses? They never show a prophet.
  6. How To Become a Millionaire: Be a billionaire and invest in an airline company.
  7. I am a stock broker I am broke after investing in stocks
  8. Don't ever invest in snowboarding. That sport is going downhill fast.
  9. With spring coming, I may buy some wind chimes. I hear it's a pretty sound investment.
  10. I bought some Bose stocks today. It was a sound investment.
  11. My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life
  12. Never invest in Egyptian archaeology It's a pyramid scheme
  13. What do skeletons invest in? Crypt-ocurrency
  14. Why do pediatricians not like long term investments? They have little patients.
  15. Why don't clowns invest their money in the market? They'd be the laughing stock.

Good Investment Jokes

Here is a list of funny good investment jokes and even better good investment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment. But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.
  • I lost 50 pounds in the past month Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.
  • When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral? Invest in alcohol
  • Why is Ireland a good investment ? Cause its capital is dublin'
  • My grandfather gave me some sound advice when on his deathbed... "It's worth investing in good speakers." he said.
  • It's always good to invest in grappling hooks Their value is always going up
  • I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but... ...Their projections weren't very good.
  • Two mortgate brokers are chatting in a bar The first says, "An honest woman is a good investment."
    The other replies, "True, but a woman with no principle gets a lot of interest!"
  • i bought a waistcoat with bitcoin It was a pretty good investment
  • What do you call it when you buy stocks of a clothing company? A good in-vest-ment

Investment Banker Jokes

Here is a list of funny investment banker jokes and even better investment banker puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker.. He said he hates stakeholders.
  • A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money! So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"
    The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"
  • Why did the investment bankers start dating? Compound interest
  • Why did the banker like the TV show? Because he was invested in the story.
  • What do you get when an Investment banker jumps off a cliff? A Con descending Altitude.
  • Why did the investment banker leave her husband? She was losing interest.
  • How many investment bankers does it take to screw the economy? Just one if the bonus is big enough.
  • What do you call an investment banker who's always watching you? A stocker.
  • So there's this guy going around dipping his t**... in glitter He's an investment banker at Goldman Sachs
Investment joke, So there's this guy going around dipping his t**... in glitter

Return On Investment Jokes

Here is a list of funny return on investment jokes and even better return on investment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why doesn't Hermione keep her money at Gringotts? Offshore investment gains a better return.
  • A friend of mine told me how to get maximum returns on my investments That really peaked my interest!
  • Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly. If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985.
  • Invest in boomerangs for a high rate of return.
  • Russian Investments Two Russians meet up:
    - Have you heard, Bitcoin went up in value?
    - Ya. But I only invest in one thing - v**...
    - Why v**...?
    - Where else do you get a 40% return??

Financial Investment Jokes

Here is a list of funny financial investment jokes and even better financial investment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Nerdy financial humor. You have been warned. I started showing more interest in one of my investments.
    It appreciated it.
  • If you're having financial problems, try investing in the toilet industry. You'll be flush with cash in no time.
  • What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice? An Invest-i-Gator .
    Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)
  • What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment? "It's remains to be seen."
  • How does a fisherman build a financial safety net? He invests in fish stocks.
Investment joke, How does a fisherman build a financial safety net?

Silly Investment Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about investment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wealth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make investment pranks.

Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"

We need to start investing more in solar energy

But it's not just going to happen overnight

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

If I won a million dollars I'd pay your mother to have s**... with me...

Then I'd invest the other $999,990.

If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have s**... with your mom.

And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver w**... to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

Why is ink an unwise investment?

Because it's a dyeing industry.
- This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!

A picture worth millions

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have s**... with me...

Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.
(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)

An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

But they were all silent compared to the person who invested in bitcoin

Never Invest in the Velcro industry.

Its a complete ripoff

Someone at a b**... convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

I've recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for £10.00

The boy asked his Dad for £10.00 in bitcoin currency.
The das said "£9.57? What do you need £10.79 for?"

Dolly Parton has invested $1m in the Moderna covid vaccine

It's working 9 to 5 perecent of the time, what a way to keep us living

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, Where is your wife!?

Why? the neighbour asks. What did Anna do?
She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes, the man yelled.
Anna conned her?
No. Burmese python.

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.
All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the Justice League, and told them that his son was going to take his place. Everyone was very welcoming, except for superman, who immediately quit the Justice League. He just couldn't work with a crypto knight.

I've decided to start investing in stocks

First chicken, then beef, and now vegetable. I know it's risky, but I know one day it will pay off and I'll be a bouillonaire!

I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

I was offered to invest in restoring an ancient Egyptian architecture

I didn't reply, it sounded like a pyramid scheme

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

A buddy of mine recently invested in a friend's dental practice and it just paid off big-time.


"So I guess that makes you...a denture capitalist now, eh?"
That's it. I'm done. Only downhill from here.
EDIT: showed my wife the comments and she muttered something under her breath about divorce. I love this sub.

Investment joke, If you're having financial problems, try investing in the toilet industry.

jokes about investment