Investigator Jokes
88 investigator jokes and hilarious investigator puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about investigator that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best investigator jokes! From private investigators to crime scene investigators and forensic investigators, find the most hilarious inquiry and research-related jokes. Laugh out loud with these fun forensic jokes!
Quick Jump To
- Short Investigator Jokes
- Investigator One Liners
- Private Investigator Jokes
- Lead Investigator Jokes
- Crime Scene Investigator Jokes
- Forensic Investigator Jokes
- More Investigator Jokes
Funniest Investigator Short Jokes
Short investigator jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The investigator humour may include short detective jokes also.
- When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it. That's Arkham's Razor.
- Donald Trump said if I voted for hillary clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation. I did and we do.
- Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week. Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
- I work at a store that was burglarized. An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
He didn't seem pleased when I answered:
"Kindergarten." - I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.
- A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded
- Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station Investigators have nothing to go on.
- Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet. Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.
- My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator, but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.
- The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money. Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.
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Investigator One Liners
Which investigator one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with investigator? I can suggest the ones about investigation and inspector.
- What is another name for a gynocoloist ? A private investigator.
- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator.
- 2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark
- What do you call a gator in a vest? A
In*vest*i*gator*! - What do you call someone who investigates fire? A fire distinguisher
- What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job? A Defective!
- What happens to investigative journalists in Russia? They're Putin jail
- Why did the police hire Quasimodo as an investigator? He always had a hunch.
- What kind of tea do the crime investigation team drink? A "casual tea"
- What's the most observant reptile? An investi-gator
- What do you get when you cross an American with a Russian? An investigation.
- That detective must be from Florida Because he's an investi-gator
- What do you get if you put a vest on an alligator? an investigator.
- Why did the FBI investigate the duck? He was a known quack dealer
- What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes? An investi-gator.
Private Investigator Jokes
Here is a list of funny private investigator jokes and even better private investigator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist? Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator
- I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering... I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...
- I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges Turned out he was a privet investigator.
- What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye? An Invest-igator
- I'm the leader of a group of shoddy private investigators. I'm a directive defective detective.
- I'm starting a business in Indiana; we do paternity tests and private investigations. It's called "Hoosier Daddy and What Does He Do?"
- WHAT DO YOU CALL A PRIVATE DETECTIVE THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE SWAMP? An investiGATOR!
- Gynaecologist aka female private investigator
- I'm not a stalker, I'm just an unpaid private investigator.
- What does a P.I. and a gynocologist have in common? They are both private investigators.
Lead Investigator Jokes
Here is a list of funny lead investigator jokes and even better lead investigator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis? They never appointed a lead detective
- Doggy Sherlock Holmes was investigating a case... Doggy Sherlock: Any leads?
Doggy Watson: Yes, Holmes. Two.
Doggy Sherlock: Excellent, lets take them and go walkies. - Police are investigating who stole the Thanksgiving turkey... Right now there is no leads... But they suspect FOWL Play..
Crime Scene Investigator Jokes
Here is a list of funny crime scene investigator jokes and even better crime scene investigator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Police were investigating a crime scene and found a knife and a clock. They concluded the man was just killing time.
- Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator. She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.
- What do you call a cholo investigating a crime scene? Sherlock homes foo.
- Two detectives are at a crime scene. They locate a briefcase that is vital evidence to the investigation.
One of the detectives says to the other "It's an open-and-shut case". - What did one cop say to the other cop while investigating a crime scene at a farm? A rooster!
Forensic Investigator Jokes
Here is a list of funny forensic investigator jokes and even better forensic investigator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife told me that the photos I took of her are terrible I told her I'll probably take a better photo if she lies down.
I work as a forensic investigator.
Entertaining Investigator Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about investigator you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean interviewer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make investigator pranks.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
​
Sincerely,
​
The Internet Provider
Lover's Lane
A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what's she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"
"I'm 20."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."
FBI Investigation.
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding m**... inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no m**.... They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."
Silly Drunks.
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line.
"Nevermind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York
when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.
m**... in Paris
A Frenchman is walking in the Bois de Boulogne forest in Paris when he sees a n**... man having s**... with a woman in the bushes. He approaches, curious, but notices that she is deathly pale and not moving. Alarmed he rushes off to find a policeman.
"Monsieur! Monsieur!" he shouts, when he finds a gendarme. "I found a man r**... a dead woman in the bushes over there."
"Sacre bleu!" shouts the policeman, and rushes off to investigate.
But a few minutes later he returns, smiling wryly, and says, "Non, Monsieur, she is not dead. She is English."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police?
He was under investigation for excessive use of Force
There was a knock at my door.
I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for m**....
I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."
"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"
I said, "Because you might find the c**...."
So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony w**...'s house.
If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been s**... by a w**... in years.
Three moles are in a hole,
when one of them smells something.
The mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says,
"I smell pancakes!"
A second mole hears him and sticks his head out of the same hole and says,
"I smell pancakes too!"
The third mole scurries to investigate, but is stuck behind the other moles already in the entrance.
"All I smell is molasses!"
USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the m**... of Juan Gonzalez.
How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.
A golf gun? What's a golf gun?
I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
I was warned in November 2016...
People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.
Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!
Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. Intrigued, they go to investigate.
The first one says: I'm pretty sure those are bear tracks.
The second one says: No, I'm pretty sure they're wolf tracks.
The third one thinks for a while, then says Actually-
They were all hit by a passing train.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.
USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.
After months of testing, costing $2.65 billion in congressional spending and firing of 25+ people, the special prosecutor appointed by Trump presented the following findings.
* The stamps have no manufacturing defects.
* There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
* People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twelve to investigate Obama's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
Why was the seafood restaurant being investigated by the IRS?
They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business.
A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery
Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."
A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some w**....
After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.
When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monkey. Still high, the monkey looks down and almost falls in shock: "Yo Man, How much water did you drink?"
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
Your Internet Provider
A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.
He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.
"This is an outrage!"
The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.
"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 this week. But you certainly didn't complain when we **over**paid you by $50 last week."
The man points his finger at the woman:
"Listen, one mistake I can forgive. But enough is enough!"
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside...
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.
When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.
That's Arkham's Razor.
Cop joke.
So I'm an ER RN and we love to joke around. Had two cops in with a patient. I deadpanned I heard there's been ppl stealing tires off (local) cop cars…. The one cop says I haven't heard anything about this .
So… I said I've heard the police are tirelessly investigating it.
First cop high fives me. I say dad joke! Second cop pouts.
Lol.
..Did you hear the news....?
A new mummy was found in Egypt!
However it was found coverd in both chocolate and nuts.
After further investigation it was confirmed, this was indeed... Pharaoh roche living inside of tomb lerone
How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an investigation into the matter, which will conclude within 4-6 business weeks.
