Invest Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Invest jokes. There are some invest portfolio jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these invest startup puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Howlingly Hilarious Invest Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What did the spanish soccer announcer invest in?


Investment question

If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy?

A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.

"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."

"Why's that, Clem?"

"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."

"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"

jokes about invest

An investigation was carried out by a foundry...

since somehow people were getting a hold of their new ingots before they started selling them publicly. They investigated the entire foundry and found out that the man in charge of working the furnace was selling the ingots illegally, under the table. This only proves that he who smelt it, dealt it.

(fyi I don't know anything about metalworks or smelting at all. If I used any of these terms incorrectly, sorry.)

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.

If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

looking for investors for my new specialty dating site

So I'm planning on taking advantage of the huge influx of specialty dating sites like farmers only or Christian mingle, etc... I'm starting a site exclusively for Indians. It's gonna be called, "Connect the dots."
(So who's in with me???)

Invest joke, looking for investors for my new specialty dating site

Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly.

If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985.

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

If I won a million dollars I'd pay your mother to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other $999,990.

You can explore invest crypto reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean invest industry dad jokes. There are also invest puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

You should invest in Helium

It's only going to go up!

Sources say Amazon to invest in maternity wards in hopes of expanding their delivery services.

Why did the investment bankers start dating?

Compound interest

I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators...

But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.

Don't invest in SeaWorld

It's really starting to tank

Invest joke, Don't invest in SeaWorld

I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex.

She decided to sleep on my place.

If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have sex with your mom.

And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.

The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT

invest 10 million into it

Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel

... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.

Why is everyone investing in Ireland?

... because the capital is always Dublin!

I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but...

...Their projections weren't very good.

Don't invest in skiing companies

The whole sport is going down hill fast

How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?

Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I've got a gut-feeling I think that's one industry that will really be taking off.

Don't ever invest in snowboarding.

That sport is going downhill fast.

Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations

> "Whoops, wrong sub"

Invest joke, Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations

I was going to invest in a hot air balloon.....

but it's a bit up in the air at the moment

Why don't clowns invest their money in the market?

They'd be the laughing stock.

What happens to investigative journalists in Russia?

They're Putin jail

If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.

(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)

Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program?

If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.

When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral?

Invest in alcohol

It's always good to invest in grappling hooks

Their value is always going up

Anyone want to invest in my 100% automated turkey farm?

It's a turnkey turkey operation.

I figured out how to make a million dollars on the stock market

Invest two million

If I had invested $1000 into Bitcoin today I would have...

No idea how it worked

Russian Investments

Two Russians meet up:

- Have you heard, Bitcoin went up in value?

- Ya. But I only invest in one thing - VODKA

- Why Vodka?

- Where else do you get a 40% return??

It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

Investing in balloons just isn't as profitable as it used to be.

I blame inflation.

Never Invest in the Velcro industry.

Its a complete ripoff

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

The Investigation into Elon Musk's False Advertising Scandal Enters the Fifth Week.

Elongate is really drawn out.

I'm willing to invest all my money into podiums

They're really products I can stand behind.

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

What did investigators find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?

Head & Shouldersο»Ώ

My friend recently advised me to invest in marijuana businesses...

Apparently it's a growing industry.

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

I've been investing heavily in stocks...

Chicken, beef, vegetable.

Soon I will be a bouillonaire!

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

How To Become a Millionaire:

Be a billionaire and invest in an airline company.

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women's lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

Investing in Bitcoin is like sex without a condom

Everyone's pushing you to do it and it feels good once it's rising, but not withdrawing in time can be costly.

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle's Indian restaurant

He said: it's naan of your business

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my house saying, "If you invest $100 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.

How do shoe stores diversify their portfolios?

They invest in socks.

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

Never invest in Egyptian archaeology

It's a pyramid scheme

I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested Β£10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

I invested in a coin making machine

It just made cents.

Need advice

A bit hesitant to invest my money into this dubious Egyptian real estate company.

I am afraid it might be a pyramide scheme.

How does Elvira prefer to invest her money?


After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace

In other words, it's having a mantle breakdown

Where does a rooster invest his money

In chicken stock!

Reposted for spelling

My dad is trying to get me to invest in joke production.

I'm pretty sure it's a punzi scheme.

"You give me one leather jacket and I invest it and give you two leather jackets"

"I don't know man, that sounds like a Fonzie scheme to me."

My Mexican father is confused about his money.

I told him not to invest in that 401 ΒΏque?

What should cows invest in?

Mootual funds

Two vietnamese brothers asked me to invest in their business

I jumped at the opportunity. It seemed like a Nguyen/Nguyen situation

What do skeletons invest in?


My son wanted to invest in bit coins.

It was a hell of a dentist bill.

Where does 007 invest his money?

Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

I've decided to invest in boomerangs

They're not too popular now, but I'm betting they'll make a comeback!

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?

Invest a billion dollars.

I decided to invest in an agricultural company

I was impressed with their organic growth

According to the Time Honoured British Tradition...

They are now outsourcing their problems to some Indian guy when they invest neither the resources or time or skill to resolve it themselves.

Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

Do you want to know how to become a millionaire?

Invest $1 billion and follow the advice of wallstreetbets

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the invest liquidation puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working invest investment advice piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes