Invest Jokes
97 invest jokes and hilarious invest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about invest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Invest Short Jokes
Short invest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The invest humour may include short fund jokes also.
- A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for? - My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
- How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
- 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
- Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
- A crossfit enthused, bitcoin investing vegan walks into a bar... Oh, they already told you about it too?
- Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
- My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment. But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.
- I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
- I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire. He used to be a billionaire.
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Invest One Liners
Which invest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with invest? I can suggest the ones about purchase and finance.
- How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing? Start with ten million.
- There's this new cryptocurrency called Decibel. 🚀🔊🌕 It's a sound investment.
- Where does 007 invest his money? Bonds. Stocks and bonds.
- I bought some new speakers today...... I think I made a sound investment.
- How To Become a Millionaire: Be a billionaire and invest in an airline company.
- I am a stock broker I am broke after investing in stocks
- Don't ever invest in snowboarding. That sport is going downhill fast.
- With spring coming, I may buy some wind chimes. I hear it's a pretty sound investment.
- I bought some Bose stocks today. It was a sound investment.
- My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life
- What do skeletons invest in? Crypt-ocurrency
- Why do pediatricians not like long term investments? They have little patients.
- Why is Ireland a good investment ? Cause its capital is dublin'
- So I invested in a hot air balloon company... And it's really taken off
- My dad told me to invest my money into bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.
Howlingly Hilarious Invest Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about invest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trade jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make invest pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the spanish soccer announcer invest in?
**GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD**
Investment question
If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy?
A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
An investigation was carried out by a foundry...
since somehow people were getting a hold of their new ingots before they started selling them publicly. They investigated the entire foundry and found out that the man in charge of working the furnace was selling the ingots illegally, under the table. This only proves that he who smelt it, dealt it.
(fyi I don't know anything about metalworks or smelting at all. If I used any of these terms incorrectly, sorry.)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
looking for investors for my new specialty dating site
So I'm planning on taking advantage of the huge influx of specialty dating sites like farmers only or Christian mingle, etc... I'm starting a site exclusively for Indians. It's gonna be called, "Connect the dots."
(So who's in with me???)
Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly.
If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...
Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I won a million dollars I'd pay your mother to have s**... with me...
Then I'd invest the other $999,990.
You should invest in Helium
It's only going to go up!
Why do Muslims invest in the stock market?
For the profit.
I decided not to invest in that seafood processing plant...
...something smelled fishy.
What do you get when an Investment banker jumps off a cliff?
A Con descending Altitude.
Sources say Amazon to invest in maternity wards in hopes of expanding their delivery services.
Why did the investment bankers start dating?
Compound interest
I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators...
But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.
Don't invest in SeaWorld
It's really starting to tank
I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex.
She decided to sleep on it...at my place.
The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT
invest 10 million into it
Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel
... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.
I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but...
...Their projections weren't very good.
How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?
Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I've got a gut-feeling I think that's one industry that will really be taking off.
Investigation underway after all public toilets mysteriously disappear...
Police say they have nothing to go on.
Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations
> "Whoops, wrong sub"
I was going to invest in a hot air balloon.....
but it's a bit up in the air at the moment
What happens to investigative journalists in Russia?
They're Putin jail
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have s**... with me...
Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.
(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)
Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program?
If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.
When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral?
Invest in alcohol
It's always good to invest in grappling hooks
Their value is always going up
I want to invest in massage parlors
I've heard that their turnover rate is pretty high.
Anyone want to invest in my 100% automated turkey farm?
It's a turnkey turkey operation.
I figured out how to make a million dollars on the stock market
Invest two million
If I had invested $1000 into Bitcoin today I would have...
No idea how it worked
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian Investments
Two Russians meet up:
- Have you heard, Bitcoin went up in value?
- Ya. But I only invest in one thing - v**...
- Why v**...?
- Where else do you get a 40% return??
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Investigation of the m**... found all the victims were deaf, dumb or blind.
These were senseless killings.
It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.
Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.
Investing in balloons just isn't as profitable as it used to be.
I blame inflation.
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
The Investigation into Elon Musk's False Advertising Scandal Enters the Fifth Week.
Elongate is really drawn out.
I'm willing to invest all my money into podiums
They're really products I can stand behind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone at a b**... convention asked me what investments he should make
I told them to invest in stocks and bonds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did investigators find in Jeffrey d**...'s shower?
Head & Shoulders
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend recently advised me to invest in m**... businesses...
Apparently it's a growing industry.
My entire family really loves sleeveless clothing.
So we invest in vests, in vests.
I heard people in western countries buy fancy undergarments.
In other words, people in west invest in vests.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?
Because their money is t**... in bonds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the c**.... How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"
"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."
A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Investing in Bitcoin is like s**... without a c**...
Everyone's pushing you to do it and it feels good once it's rising, but not withdrawing in time can be costly.
I wanted to invest some money into my uncle's Indian restaurant
He said: it's naan of your business
How do shoe stores diversify their portfolios?
They invest in socks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Never invest in Egyptian archaeology
It's a pyramid scheme
I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.
I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.
If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,
You would be dead.
I invested in a coin making machine
It just made cents.
Need advice
A bit hesitant to invest my money into this dubious Egyptian real estate company.
I am afraid it might be a pyramide scheme.
How does Elvira prefer to invest her money?
Crypt-ocurrency
After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace
In other words, it's having a mantle breakdown
Where does a rooster invest his money
In chicken stock!
Reposted for spelling
My dad is trying to get me to invest in joke production.
I'm pretty sure it's a punzi scheme.
"You give me one leather jacket and I invest it and give you two leather jackets"
"I don't know man, that sounds like a Fonzie scheme to me."
My Mexican father is confused about his money.
I told him not to invest in that 401 ¿que?
What should cows invest in?
Mootual funds
Two vietnamese brothers asked me to invest in their business
I jumped at the opportunity. It seemed like a Nguyen/Nguyen situation
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son wanted to invest in bit coins.
It was a h**... of a dentist bill.
I've decided to invest in boomerangs
They're not too popular now, but I'm betting they'll make a comeback!
This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!
Just invest in the British stock market
What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?
Invest a billion dollars.
I decided to invest in an agricultural company
I was impressed with their organic growth
Do you want to know how to become a millionaire?
Invest $1 billion and follow the advice of wallstreetbets
I am looking for investors for my new mind controlled air freshener.
When you think about it, it makes scents.
