Intoxicating Jokes
46 intoxicating jokes and hilarious intoxicating puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about intoxicating that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Intoxicating Short Jokes
Short intoxicating jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The intoxicating humour may include short jokes also.
- My friend said bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes. I think they're intoxicating people.
- Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night? So they can't drive home.
- Cop pulls over a swerving RV. Cop: I am going to have to arrest you for driving while intoxicated.
Guy: You can't arrest me I am already home. - What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated? Very shellfish.
- What did the marble head of the centurion say to the criminally intoxicated young women carved on the wall? Frieze, this is a bust.
- My brother kept increasing his entropy while intoxicated... He was arrested for being drunk and disorderly.
- Slightly intoxicated friend driving us home asks how am I driving? Egh, well since there's no one else on the road right now, I'd say you're doing pretty good...
- What happened when Shakespeare's Cassio had too much wine? Othello charged him with Swording While Intoxicated.
- THC, the intoxicating ingredient found in Marijuanna, was found in Colorado's water supply A high water mark for drug legalization.
- My friend with cerebral palsy joked that if he took enough quaaludes - he would discover a whole new phase of intoxication: The Stephen Hawking Phase
Share These Intoxicating Jokes With Friends
Intoxicating One Liners
Which intoxicating one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with intoxicating? I can suggest the ones about and .
- What do you call an intoxicated golfer? A drunk driver.
- in the U.S there are 50 states, and in Ireland, they only have one state Intoxication
- How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last? Longer than you think.
- Hammered: Even while intoxicated, Handyman gets the job done. (As a news headline)
- What beverage should you give someone who is publicly intoxicated? penal tea
- Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated? It's i**... to drink and derive.
- What do you call an intoxicated midget? A little drunk.
- What do you call two intoxicated people having s**...? Rubbing alcohol
Intoxicating Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about intoxicating you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make intoxicating pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
Man goes into a bar and gets way too drunk,
After already having 7 or 8 pints the man walks up to the bartender, and asks for another Pint. The bartender apologizes and tells the man he can no longer serve him because he has had too much to drink. The man, upset, leaves the bar and stumbles down the street. About 15 minutes later he walks in the side door of the bar, goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a pint. The bartendender apologizes again, but politely asks the man to leave. The man leaves, wanders off into the street, and just a few minutes later he enters through the back door of the bar. The bartender is now angry, "Sir, I already told you twice, I can't serve you, please leave my bar." The intoxicated man exclaims, "Not you again! How many bars do you work at!?"
Fun with police
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.
The officer proceeds to reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of chalk, which he uses to draw a circle on the ground around the vehicle and its intoxicated owner.
After the cop obtains the drunk man's license and registration, he informs the man that he will be arrested if he takes a single step out of the chalk circle.
The cop returns to his car, when he hears the drunk man giggling in the background. He returns and tells the drunk, "If you continue laughing, I'll break your car. Shut up and keep quiet."
Not ten seconds later he hears the drunk man snickering once again. The cop takes out his club and shatters the windshield of the Lamborghini. The drunk man's laughter grew even louder.
The cop yells, "stop laughing!" as he takes out his rage on the Lamborghini even further, breaking all of its windows and batting away at the car's exterior.
The drunk's laughter increases into an uncontrollable fit, as he is practically rolling on the ground beside his mutilated Lamborghini.
At last, the cop furiously asks, "Why do you keep laughing!!?"
The drunk man stands up and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another blonde joke
A s**... Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated.
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said-I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm n**....
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-
Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!
As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled-Yes, Yes, I Won.. I Won..
She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.
The dealers gazed at each other,dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
What number rolled on the dice?
The other-I don't know,I thought you were watching.
Moral of the story..
1.Not All drunks are Drunk.
2.Not all Blondes are dumb,
3.But all Men are Men!!! 😉
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...
A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.
"b**...!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop! The machine is obviously broken, test it on my wife!"
The policeman reluctantly agrees as the man does not seem intoxicated. As the wife is blowing into the breathalizer, it beeps again and shows that she is drunk as well.
"See? It doesn't work! You can even test my 4-year-old son!"
So the 4-year-old kid takes the breathalizer test and whaddaya know, it says he's drunk as well. "As I said it's broken, you should get it checked."
The policeman is left puzzled, he apologises and lets the man on his way.
As they start driving along again, the man turns to his wife and says: "You see that? I told you it won't hurt to give the kid a taste."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunks are looking to get laid
After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not move and was stone cold." The other one said " I think mine was a witch... as soon as I bit her n**..., shelets out a big f**... and flies out of the window"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men will be Men
A s**... Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated 😎
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice .
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm n**...."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-
"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled - "Yes, Yes,
I Won.. I Won.."
She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.
The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
"What number rolled on the dice?"
The other - "I don't know, I thought you were watching."
Moral of the story:
1.Not All drunks are Drunk,
2.Not all Blondes are dumb,
3.But all Men are Men!!!
Joe was at a bar at the tallest building in the world...
...having a drink, when a very intoxicated man next to him started talking to him...
"Hey, did you know that the winds up here are so strong that if you jump out, they'll push you right back in?"
Joe responds "no way!"
Drunk guy says " yes way, here I'll show you"
And with that, he jumps out the window and sure enough, he's swept back into the bar.
Joe is flabbergasted. The drunk guy goes "here, I'll do it again", and sure enough, after he jumps out, he's swept back in.
Joe is so impressed, that he's like "wow! I gotta try" and jumps out the window...falling to his death.
The bartender serves the intoxicated mans, sadly shaking his head, "you're a mean man when you're drunk Superman."
Original Tree Pun =D
There was a tree in the backyard of the house I used to live in called a Chinaberry tree. Chinaberry trees are known for their bright yellow berries and their intoxicating effects on birds (true story), so every now and then we'd go outside and find a bird that looked like my uncle at every Christmas party, ever. I heard that some guy wrote a book about them, I think it was... Tequilla Mockingbird.
So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...
The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.
The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes the man and he blows perfect zeros.
The cop, now confused, asks why he is 100% sober and appeared to be drunk walking out of the pub. The man responds "I wasn't drinking tonight because I'm the DD". The cop, even more confused responds, "but you aren't driving anyone home". The man replies "Yeah I know. I'm the Designated Decoy".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Scientist, The Priest, and The Philosopher
A scientist, a priest, and a philosopher walk into a bar. The philosopher questions the nature of bars and thinks about how bars tie into our primitive human nature. The priest, almost intoxicated with a recent s**... on his head, considers the bar a gift from God and deems it an omen. The scientist, observing the results, ducks.
Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself
The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night." The man replies." no, you don't understand, chunks is my dog".
A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...
... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."
A young man gets pulled over by the police.
"Son, have you been drinking tonight?" said the officer.
The man rolled down his window. He had bloodshot eyes and smelt of whiskey. His left hand had a silver watch on it. "No, sir," he said with a slurred voice. "I am not drunk."
The police officer wasn't having it. "Alright, son. If you're not drunk, can you tell the time for me?"
The man smiled and shook his intoxicated head. "Sure thing, sir." He turned to the watch on his left hand.
"The officer told me to tell you that I am not drunk."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is always a need for intoxication: China has o**..., Islam has hashish, the West has woman.
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:
"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Contradicting Coronavirus advice!
First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we're told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and n**..., leave me alone... I'm conducting important medical research.
A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store
A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store.
At court he explains to the Judge that it was a case of a simple misunderstanding.
Judge: I don't see how this can be a misunderstanding. You were arrested for drinking straight out of the wine bottle at the register!
Man: I can explain that. I was exhausted that day after working 11 hours at the warehouse. I was zoning out and in hindsight, I should have known what the cashier meant when she said I could "start loading up now"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Man: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.