Intelligent Jokes
129 intelligent jokes and hilarious intelligent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about intelligent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for the most intelligent jokes? In this article, we explore the characteristics of the wisest and funniest sapiosexual jokes. Read on to learn more about the traits that make a joke stand out from the crowd.
Quick Jump To
- Short Intelligent Jokes
- Intelligent One Liners
- Most Intelligent Jokes
- Highly Intelligent Jokes
- More Intelligent Jokes
Funniest Intelligent Short Jokes
Short intelligent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The intelligent humour may include short intellectual jokes also.
- My Boss calls me 'the computer' Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
- My colleagues call me The Computer . Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
- Is this allowed here? Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?
Ricky Gervais: I'd love for any intelligence to take over. - What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden? The average intelligence of both countries goes up.
- Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.. Because if she doesn't have THAT, I may just have a chance.
- My boss calls me, The Computer but it has nothing to do with my intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
- Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman? Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
- The woman asks her husband: "Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?" The husband replies: "None of them, you know I only like you!".
- To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence... ...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.
- A little boy went up to his father and asked, Dad, where did my intelligence come from? His father replied, well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.
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Intelligent One Liners
Which intelligent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with intelligent? I can suggest the ones about smarter and smart people.
- What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence
* - 99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
- Why is a German stone intelligent? Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
- Mathematics is 90% common sense, the other half is intelligence.
- What do you call a homosexual artificial intelligence Chat GBT
- Why haven't we found aliens yet ? because they are searching for intelligent life too.
- What's Canada's intelligence agency called? The C.I. Eh
- What do you call it when a blonde woman puts on a wig? Artificial Intelligence.
- What do you call an intelligent idiot? An oxymoron
- Why are telescopes pointed away from earth? Because they search for intelligent life
- What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair black? Artificial intelligence.
- Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female? Because they're never wrong
- What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown... Artifical intelligence.
- So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night... NOTSONINJA
- What is a blonde with dyed brown hair? Artificial intelligence.
Most Intelligent Jokes
Here is a list of funny most intelligent jokes and even better most intelligent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man. WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
- My grandfather was a very intelligent man. He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.
- Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein... ...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.
- Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women. But unfortunately most of them spit it out.
- I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
- "Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence " I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.
- He: "You are the nicest, most wonderful, and most beautiful woman, that I ever met!"... She: "Ah, you only want to get me in your bed."
He: "And you are intelligent as well." - What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends) - A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man... Guess that puts women in third.
- Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030... ...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.
Highly Intelligent Jokes
Here is a list of funny highly intelligent jokes and even better highly intelligent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a highly intelligent person in Washington DC who wants to help Donald Trump? A psychiatrist.
- Why are Social Justice Activists always warriors? Because they don't have a high enough intelligence to be Social Justice Mages.
- The number of sentient lifeforms in the universe is at least 7.5 billion. The amount of intelligent life, however, is highly disputed, and some people argue that none have been found.
- Did you hear about the guy who was arrogant about his high intelligence? His brains went to his head.
- A new highly intelligent species of dinosaur has been discovered by archaeologists. It will be named *thesaurus*.
- What do you call a bird of prey with high intelligence? A falcon genius.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Intelligent Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about intelligent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sentient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make intelligent pranks.
So I'm chatting to this 14 year old on the Internet..
She is funny, flirty, s**... and intelligent and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop, how cool is that at her age!
The Smart Kid
A child asks his father:
- Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?
- From your mother, I think. I still have mine.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
God creates Adam
God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."
Adam couldn't believe his luck!
God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"
Kill the Dragon
An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a v**... from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.
One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.
Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.
Strength vs. Intelligence
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
The intelligent dog
Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
Home safety
I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer in my entire Life!
Five guys in an audi Quattro...
...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."
Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me.
It keeps me on my toes.
So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...
**Feminist:** Why isn't the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She's obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she's not in a bar, she's um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That's so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won't tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can't tell a joke without being sexist then you're not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Labrador.
What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding?
A tourist.
I think my intelligence is beyond of an average human
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and at the back of the box it says 2-4 years
A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
The wike asks his husband: Honey, what do you prefer? A beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?
Neither one, you know I just like you
Most Intelligent But Funniest
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
Today, my daughter came to me and told me...
"Dad, we learned in school that children inherit their intelligence from their mothers."
I said: "Of course you got your intelligence from mom. Because I still have mine".
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender
"Give me two beers. Rough day at work."
And the bartender says, "Oh? what do you do?"
The guy says, "I take care of the Corgis - you know, the dogs that the royal family owns."
The bartender says, "Tough job, huh?"
The guy says, "Well, all that in-breeding has led to low intelligence
and bad temperament. And the dogs aren't that smart either."
Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing.
"We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect," says the man conducting the briefing, "just one more small piece of information."
"Bring it on."
"5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"
"That certainly isn't a good thing," replies Trump, "but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"
"Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"
"How many is a Brazilian?"
Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."
Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"
Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."
You're a very beautiful girl
... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile
Girl: you just wanna get into my pants
Boy: you're intelligent as well.
An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.
Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.
Kid comes home with an A in Maths...
"Well, she got my intelligence", says the Mom.
The Dad says:" Yep, and I still got mine."
Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space
Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.
Two aliens are flying near earth
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
Scientists have just announced today that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.
So that pushes women down to third place.
So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...
Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?
Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.
Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.
Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.
Alien 1: The dominant life form on planet earth have developed satellite based nuclear weapons.
Alien 2: Are they an emerging intelligence?
Alien 1: I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.
A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.
He had to return home empty handed.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.
He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."
Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.
Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.
Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.
Scientists claim that after man dolphins rank 2nd in intelligence..
After that comes apes, then some species of parrots.
I guess that pushes women down to 5th.
The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.
Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
An alien walks into a human brain shop
Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
I'm sapiosexual, I find intelligence attractive.
I guess you could say I come to a lot of conclusions.
Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!
[remoooved]
Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just s**... on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
They say that WWII was won with American steel, British intelligence, and Soviet blood
Of course, they wouldn't have gotten very far on Soviet steel, American intelligence, and British blood
I'm horrible at funerals.
Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when i add, "it's a shame he had to die".
I used to fear the robot apocalypse
But now, after seeing how dangerous s**... people can be...
I'll take artificial intelligence over no intelligence any day.
A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence
She explains what intelligence is and then
Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called s**.... Now how many of you think of yourselves as s**..., stand up.
She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.
Teacher: Do you think you are s**...?
Student: No
Teacher: Then why did you stand up?
Student: I felt bad since you're the only one standing.
One alien says to another, The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.
The second alien replies, Are they an emerging intelligence?
The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.
How to find a woman
A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman," he tells the bartender. "Because if she doesn't have that I just might have a chance."
