Intelligence Jokes
148 intelligence jokes and hilarious intelligence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about intelligence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These funny intelligence jokes aim to make light of topics such as artificial intelligence, emotional intelligence, business intelligence, military intelligence, high intelligence, low intelligence, CIA, infrastructure and sapiosexuality. With a unique blend of comedy and wit, you are sure to get a good chuckle out of these intelligence jokes.
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Funniest Intelligence Short Jokes
Short intelligence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The intelligence humour may include short smart jokes also.
- Is this allowed here? Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?
Ricky Gervais: I'd love for any intelligence to take over. - What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden? The average intelligence of both countries goes up.
- Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.. Because if she doesn't have THAT, I may just have a chance.
- Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman? Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
- To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence... ...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.
- A little boy went up to his father and asked, Dad, where did my intelligence come from? His father replied, well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.
- LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man. WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
- Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein... ...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.
- I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
- "Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence " I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.
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Intelligence One Liners
Which intelligence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with intelligence? I can suggest the ones about technology and intellect.
- What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence
* - 99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
- Why is a German stone intelligent? Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
- Mathematics is 90% common sense, the other half is intelligence.
- Why haven't we found aliens yet ? because they are searching for intelligent life too.
- What's Canada's intelligence agency called? The C.I. Eh
- What do you call an intelligent idiot? An oxymoron
- Why are telescopes pointed away from earth? Because they search for intelligent life
- Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female? Because they're never wrong
- So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night... NOTSONINJA
- I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me. It keeps me on my toes.
- What do you call a Marine wearing an air force uniform? Artificial intelligence
- I like flat earthers They make me feel more intelligent
- The House Intelligence Committee Shoot, I put the punchline in the title again!
- Difference Between Stupidity and Intelligence? Intelligence has limits.
Intelligence Artificial Jokes
Here is a list of funny intelligence artificial jokes and even better intelligence artificial puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030... ...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.
- ChatGPT's favorite book is "Artificial Intelligence for Dummies," because it's a fun read!
- Eve eating the apple marked.. .. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.
- Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers? because it's not designed to be useless
- Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence? And it is still a better love story than Twilight.
- I like my women like I like my Artificial Intelligence: Cold and lifeless.
- Why do some blondes dye their hair? To gain themselves some artificial intelligence.
- How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware? It starts to think its bot is too big.
- How Do You Create Artificial Intelligence? Dye a blonde's hair.
- Do you know who the pioneers in AI (artificial intelligence) are? No. I don't know.
Beauty Salons. They apply all their intelligence to create something unnatural.
Artificial Intelligence Jokes
Here is a list of funny artificial intelligence jokes and even better artificial intelligence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman implanted an advanced artificial intelligence into her old Nintendo gaming system so she could legally marry it. When did they get married? On Wednesday
- What does an Escalade and Artificial Intelligence have in common? Max Headroom
- Most people on the internet are AI, Artificially intelligent.
- What do you call an artificial intelligence that's shy? Self-conscious.
- I just heard the first song made by artificial intelligence You could say it was a real Siri-nade
- when asked about the future of artificial intelligence.... some people say it will be a catastrophic cataclysmic calamity.... and some people say that's what she said.
- What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in Artificial intelligence? Alexus.
- Instead of the Turing Test to prove the proficiency of artificial intelligence We need all robots working on the answer to a woman asking if her pants make her look fat
- We finally know why earthlings are trying to make artificial intelligence.. ...it's because hey haven't found any intelligent life forms on earth.
- A robot goes to see a psychiatrist… Just because my intelligence is artificial doesn't mean that my problems aren't real.
Intelligence Officer Jokes
Here is a list of funny intelligence officer jokes and even better intelligence officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the robot become a museum curator? Because he was an Art-Offical Intelligence
- What did the Russian intelligence officer say after he snuck into the White House? We're in like Flynn.
Intelligence Agency Jokes
Here is a list of funny intelligence agency jokes and even better intelligence agency puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Most countries can boast that their intelligence agencies installed spies in foreign countries. The Russians can boast that they installed a president.
- It shouldn't be called the Central Intelligence Agency, it's headquarters is in Virginia. That's nowhere near the centre of the USA
Emotional Intelligence Jokes
Here is a list of funny emotional intelligence jokes and even better emotional intelligence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got a 54% on my emotional intelligence test..... I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Hilarious Intelligence Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about intelligence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean skills jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make intelligence pranks.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar....
A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar. The chemist says to the bartender "I'll have one h two oh please". The psychologist, in a fleeting fit of flaunting his intelligence, said "I'll have a jack and coke, it's all my mother's fault."
In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Reading the horoscope.
Reading the horoscope that her favorite female magazine publishes, a lady said in a sorry tone to her husband:
- Oh! This is s**...! This is s**...!
- What is it?
- If you were born only a day earlier, you would be intelligent, brave and passionate.
God creates Adam
God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."
Adam couldn't believe his luck!
God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kill the Dragon
An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a v**... from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.
One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.
Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Strength vs. Intelligence
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
The intelligent dog
Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
Ad in the local paper:
25 year old woman, very attractive, beautiful blonde hair, perfect measurements, intelligent, with good sense of humor and stable income - Selling dump truck.
Home safety
I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer in my entire Life!
What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?
A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five guys in an audi Quattro...
...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is a man more intelligent before, during or after s**...?
During. Because you're plugged into the know it all
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.
There are two types of people in this world....
Those who are intelligent,
And those who believe there are 12 types of people in this world.
An pakistani in the US fears for his safety
Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.
Measure of Attributes
Endurance is being able withstand having tomatoes thrown at you
Strength is being able to throw a heavy tomato
Agility is being able to dodge thrown tomatoes
Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad
Charisma is being able to sell a tomato-based fruit salad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...
**Feminist:** Why isn't the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She's obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she's not in a bar, she's um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That's so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won't tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can't tell a joke without being sexist then you're not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence
because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.
What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding?
A tourist.
I think my intelligence is beyond of an average human
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and at the back of the box it says 2-4 years
A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
I asked this woman to tell me something interesting about herself.
She said, "I'm a sapiosexual."
"What's that?" I asked.
She said, "I get turned on by intelligence."
"Oh yeah," I replied, "I'm..one of those as well."
Scientists recently discovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent
They named it Thesaurus
Today, my daughter came to me and told me...
"Dad, we learned in school that children inherit their intelligence from their mothers."
I said: "Of course you got your intelligence from mom. Because I still have mine".
Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing.
"We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect," says the man conducting the briefing, "just one more small piece of information."
"Bring it on."
"5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"
"That certainly isn't a good thing," replies Trump, "but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"
"Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"
"How many is a Brazilian?"
Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."
Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."
Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"
Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."
There are three kinds of women: the intelligent, the beautiful,
and the majority.
You're a very beautiful girl
... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile
Girl: you just wanna get into my pants
Boy: you're intelligent as well.
Did you guys hear? Congress disbanded the CIA
Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government
An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.
Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.
Kid comes home with an A in Maths...
"Well, she got my intelligence", says the Mom.
The Dad says:" Yep, and I still got mine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space
Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.
What do you call a highly intelligent person in Washington DC who wants to help Donald Trump?
A psychiatrist.
Two aliens are flying near earth
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business...
It's called counter intelligence.
A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.
He had to return home empty handed.
The 7 qualities to be the perfect girlfriend are..
Beautiful
Intelligent
Gentle
Thoughtful
Innocent
Trustworthy
Sensible.
He: "You are the nicest, most wonderful, and most beautiful woman, that I ever met!"...
She: "Ah, you only want to get me in your bed."
He: "And you are intelligent as well."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police Station Intelligence Test
Apologies if this has been posted before \(I searched, albeit not a lot\). My physics teacher in college told me this one:
They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes.
It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very s**... ones and very strong ones.
Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.
Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.
Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.
The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.
Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
Ukrainian mother persuades her son to marry
M: Look at Marina. She is beautiful, intelligent, loves movies and theater.
S: I do not want her.
M: Look at Olena. She cooks well, her house is always orderly.
S: I do not want her.
M: So who do you want?
S: Mom, I love my neighbor Sergei.
(pause)
M: But he's Russian, after all.
An alien walks into a human brain shop
Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity
Like Stephen Hawking
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Does anyone know why tik tok data is getting stolen?
I thought they would be looking for intelligence.....
I'm sapiosexual, I find intelligence attractive.
I guess you could say I come to a lot of conclusions.
Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!
[remoooved]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an intelligent sloth?
Slo-mo sapiens
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just s**... on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.
The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?
Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.
