Insurance Jokes
Following is our collection of health insurance puns and people one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Insurance jokes for adults, dirty auto jokes and clean actuary dad gags for kids.
The Best Insurance Puns
Why did Elon Musk go broke?
Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
To reverse and leaving the scene
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
Neither because they live in America.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
Thank you for your service
Why don't Arab women need Insurance?
Because they are already covered.
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance
His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(
Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?
Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
A woman's husband dies and gets cremated
She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"
Why can't politicians get insurance?
Too much lie-ability.
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...
...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, HIV."
Insurance
A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.
"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"
I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.
I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?
It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
Why did the stripper need more insurance?
She had little to no coverage.
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
A woman recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?
Just leave the scene of the accident
I just saved a ton on car insurance....
By fleeing the scene.
Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?
Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.
How Do You Start a Flood?
An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.
The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store...
We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.
We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.
They're driving wrecklessly.
What's not 50% off today?
Health insurance
I hit the gym today...
But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
Into reverse and then leaving the scene.
My friend has mexican car insurance.
It's called get out and run.
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.
I had to go to the hospital without insurance.
It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.
It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more sexy to me, than a girl who is fully covered...
...By her health insurance provider.
When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay
Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.
A hurricane walks into a bar
The owner doesn't have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.
What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?
A friend with benefits
I'll leave now
Why couldn't the 3 speed mixer get insurance?
He was high whisk.
I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early.
I told her "I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."
What was Stalin's favorite Insurance?
State Farm.
What did the insurance company say to the applicant?
THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!
An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.
When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."
LPT: If you crash into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..
simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...
a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"
The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"
The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"
Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade.
You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck.
So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...
"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."
I bought zombie insurance recently
it was a no brainer
I asked my attractive roommate whether she wanted to be friends with benefits, and she agreed!
This morning, I co-signed her car insurance.
I got into an accident, but I managed to save myself & a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching..
my car to reverse leaving the scene....
Why did the hummer cross the river?
For the insurance money.
There is an abundance of indiscretion jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes and insurance puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any insure witze you can hear about insurance.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.