Insurance Jokes
150 insurance jokes and hilarious insurance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about insurance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a few good laughs this Halloween season? Check out this article for some fun and lighthearted insurance jokes that are sure to have everyone in the room doubled over! From insurance agents to insurance brokers, these jokes will have everyone cracking up at the claims adjusters and underwriters. Whether it's an insurance salesman or a car insurance topic, everyone will be having a good time. Perfect for office parties or family gatherings, these insurance jokes are sure to make health insurance a little more fun!
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Funniest Insurance Short Jokes
Short insurance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The insurance humour may include short coverage jokes also.
- I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene
- Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance? Neither because they live in America.
- What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance? Thank you for your service
- American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"? Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.
- I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
- I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
- So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(
- Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance? Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."
- My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.
- My insurance agent asked if I had ever hit a deer. I told him that I had but in my defense he swung first.
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Insurance One Liners
Which insurance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with insurance? I can suggest the ones about covered and agency.
- Why did elon musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
- Mommy, what is a Canadian? It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.
- Why don't arab women need Insurance? Because they are already covered.
- Why can't politicians get insurance? Too much lie-ability.
- Why did the stripper need more insurance? She had little to no coverage.
- I just saved a ton on car insurance.... By fleeing the scene.
- Want to save 15% or more on car insurance? Just leave the scene of the accident
- Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
- What's not 50% off today? Health insurance
- I hit the gym today... But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.
- My friend has mexican car insurance. It's called get out and run.
- My ex and I only stay together because of shared insurance. We're friends with benefits.
- Why couldn't the 3 speed mixer get insurance? He was high whisk.
- What was Stalin's favorite Insurance? State Farm.
- What did the insurance company say to the applicant? THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!
Car Insurance Jokes
Here is a list of funny car insurance jokes and even better car insurance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... ...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
- I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password. I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?
- We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars. They're driving wrecklessly.
- I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching Into reverse and then leaving the scene.
- Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance? Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.
- Always have good insurance. Me: Hey, I'm drunk and I just fell in the water.
Them: Sir, this is AAA, not AA...
Me: I know. I'm just telling you why my car is in the river. - Hey! I saved a bundle on car insurance, by switching.... my car on reverse and leaving the scene of the accident!
- Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade. You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck.
- I asked my attractive roommate whether she wanted to be friends with benefits, and she agreed! This morning, I co-signed her car insurance.
- I got into an accident, but I managed to save myself & a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching.. my car to reverse leaving the scene....
Health Insurance Jokes
Here is a list of funny health insurance jokes and even better health insurance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man? It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
- Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare? Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment
- A really hot gal in my apartment complex said she wanted us to be "friends with benefits" Does anyone know where I can get a group health insurance plan?
- I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early. I told her "I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."
- A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.
- What kind of health insurance does a llama need? Ollamacare
- What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance? Yomamacare
- I can't believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate... It was like a bargaining CHIP.
- I used to look both ways before I crossed the street... then I got health insurance.
- Canadian Defenition Canadian (noun):
An unarmed american with health insurance
Life Insurance Jokes
Here is a list of funny life insurance jokes and even better life insurance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A hurricane walks into a bar The owner doesn't have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.
- The female Praying mantis devours the male right after mating. It's easier to collect life insurance than child support.
- A man is asked by his friends why he doesn't have a life insurance policy "Because I want everybody to be really sad when I die!" He grins.
- How much is Trump's life insurance payout? One pence
- Serious question here... Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?
- He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt. Well?
He has no life-insurance, and I pitied his poor old mother.
Source: 1913 Newspaper - How much is Hillary Clinton's life insurance? Just one bill.
- I should start selling life insurance for ISIS members. I'm sure it's gonna be a booming business.
- I just got life insurances It makes me happy knowing that now my life is worth something.
- My life as an actor is finally paying off! The other guys insurance company isn't too happy about it though.
Insurance Company Jokes
Here is a list of funny insurance company jokes and even better insurance company puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.
- What do you call friend who works for an insurance company? A friend with benefits
I'll leave now - I heard Facebook is looking to start a program with insurance companies... It'll be called Friends With Benefits.
- Insurance companies are warning Campers if you get your tent stolen in the middle of the night, you won't be covered.
- What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company? Progressive
*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance* - Progressive and allstate used to be one insurance company.. .. but nobody wanted prostate insurance.
- How do you become rich in Asian countries? Open a car insurance company
- I wonder if, in Ancient Greece, Lighting strikes were considered an "Act of God" by insurance companies.
- I tried to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused. They said, If your tent gets blown away, you... won't be covered.
- Which insurance company does Bernie Sanders use? Progressive.
Insurance Agent Jokes
Here is a list of funny insurance agent jokes and even better insurance agent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Insurance shopping Insurance agent: how many accidents have you had sir?
Dad: 1
Insurance agent: when was that?
...puts phone on hold...
Dad: Son, what is you birthdate again? - What did the insurance agent say to Adam & Eve? "It looks like you're not covered."
- Why don't insurance agents like bakers? They are far too whisk-y.
- A clown tries to get insurance for his company, but the agent says Agent: Sorry, we don't do any funny business here.
- What do you calls a life insurance agent ripe with flesh eating bacteria? A lepper-con
- My life insurance agent is a great friend. He promised to never say you're dead to me.
- Honesty is the best policy... Not quite if you're an insurance agent.
- What's the difference between a insurance agent and a s**... bomber? A s**... bomber only bothers you once
Howlingly Hilarious Insurance Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about insurance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean financial jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make insurance pranks.
Didn't help myself today when the police pulled me over...
They suspected I was driving with no insurance."f**... filthy pigs" I raged, "have you got nothing else better to do, like arresting murderers and rapists?""Any more language like that, and you'll be arrested" he snapped."I'm sorry, I said, "It's just the beer talking."
So, I bumped into this cute g**... the way out of the grocery store...
We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.
A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...
a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"
The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"
The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"
A black guy was pulled over in his mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...
He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".
I had to go to the hospital without insurance.
It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
How Do You Start a Flood?
An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.
The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
Insurance
A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.
"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"
Car Accident
So I got into a car accident the other day. It was nothing major, just a small fender bender as I rear-ended the car ahead of me. We both pull over and I get my insurance information ready when I see the other driver step out of his car - he was a dwarf! I get out of my car and get ready to hand him my information when he looks at me and says "I'm not happy..." so I responded "Well which one are you?"
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
LPT: If you c**... into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..
simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.
When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."
I bought zombie insurance recently
it was a no brainer
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...
"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."
A woman's husband dies and gets cremated
She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that b**... I promised you? Well, here it comes"
I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.
He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more s**... to me, than a girl who is fully covered...
...By her health insurance provider.
What do you call a dinosaur with a super high automobile insurance premium?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
Why did the h**... cross the river?
For the insurance money.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...
In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.
A man who thinks he is invisible decides to get help. He walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the receptionist he would like to speak to a doctor, but has no insurance.
The receptionist looks up at him and says, "I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now."
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
What's a good name for an insurance salesman?
Justin Case
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the w**... to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the s**... to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the e**... to the resurrection."
I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.
It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
A woman recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that b**... I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
I'm getting old.
A dude stuck two fingers up my a**... last week.
And insurance paid for it.
Little Johnny
An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,
"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"
Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"
Little Johnny: "Run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Oh my God! That's terrible! Are your grandparents or your uncles or aunts or any of your relatives at home?"
Little Johnny: "No! All of them run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "What are you doing all day then?"
Little Johnny: "Drive the tractor!"
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
A doctor changes Careers.
A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.
He takes test, and waits for his score.
He gets a 150 out 100. He calls the instructor to find out why he scored it that way.
The instructor says " Well you got 50 points for Diagnosing the issue correctly, 50 points for rebuilding the engine correctly, and 50 points for doing it all thru the exhaust manifold.
Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.
One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."
Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."
The third guy said, "You're not gonna believe this but I had a business and it was destroyed by a flood and I was able to retire here with the insurance settlement."
After a pause, the first guy asked the third guy, "So who do you call to arrange a flood?"
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
Because no-one can afford an iPhone AND medical insurance.
I live in Wyoming, so I called my insurance to ask what would happen if Yellowstone ever erupted.
They said not to worry, I would be covered.
Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?
It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.
NATO is like a health insurance...
You want to have it before s**... happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.
I found out that the girl I'm dating is a gold digger
Idk how to tell her but I don't like gold diggers. It's not safe for her mentally as well as physically and the mine she works at doesn't give them health insurance or anything. What should I do?
My daughter just became a dad.
We had a chilly night recently, putting her to bed I asked "do you want covered with your bigger blanket?" She replied "no thanks, I don't need covered, I have insurance"
An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.
The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."
"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.
"Nah," the cowboy replies. "They both did it on purpose!"
The other day my house caught fire.
The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning down.
After seeing the price of insurance these days
I've decided it's cheaper to just get robbed
