Howlingly Hilarious Insurance Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...
...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store...
We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.
A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...
a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"
The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"
The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"
My friend has mexican car insurance.
It's called get out and run.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
I had to go to the hospital without insurance.
It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
How Do You Start a Flood?
An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.
The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
Insurance
A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.
"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, HIV."
You can explore insurance health insurance reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean insurance auto dad jokes. There are also insurance puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A woman's husband dies and gets cremated
She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
To reverse and leaving the scene
Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more sexy to me, than a girl who is fully covered...
...By her health insurance provider.
What's not 50% off today?
Health insurance
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Why did the stripper need more insurance?
She had little to no coverage.
I hit the gym today...
But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.
Why don't Arab women need Insurance?
Because they are already covered.
So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance
His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(
Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
Neither because they live in America.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?
It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
I just saved a ton on car insurance....
By fleeing the scene.
Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?
Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment
Why did Elon Musk go broke?
Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.
I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?
We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.
They're driving wrecklessly.
A hurricane walks into a bar
The owner doesn't have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.
Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?
Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
Into reverse and then leaving the scene.
Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?
Just leave the scene of the accident
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
Thank you for your service
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
Why can't politicians get insurance?
Too much lie-ability.
When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay
Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.
I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.
It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
A woman recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
Always have good insurance.
Me: Hey, I'm drunk and I just fell in the water.
Them: Sir, this is AAA, not AA...
Me: I know. I'm just telling you why my car is in the river.
Little Johnny
An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,
"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"
Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"
Little Johnny: "Run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Oh my God! That's terrible! Are your grandparents or your uncles or aunts or any of your relatives at home?"
Little Johnny: "No! All of them run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "What are you doing all day then?"
Little Johnny: "Drive the tractor!"
My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage
The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
A doctor changes Careers.
A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.
He takes test, and waits for his score.
He gets a 150 out 100. He calls the instructor to find out why he scored it that way.
The instructor says " Well you got 50 points for Diagnosing the issue correctly, 50 points for rebuilding the engine correctly, and 50 points for doing it all thru the exhaust manifold.
American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?
Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.
Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.
One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."
Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."
The third guy said, "You're not gonna believe this but I had a business and it was destroyed by a flood and I was able to retire here with the insurance settlement."
After a pause, the first guy asked the third guy, "So who do you call to arrange a flood?"
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
I live in Wyoming, so I called my insurance to ask what would happen if Yellowstone ever erupted.
They said not to worry, I would be covered.
Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?
It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.
NATO is like a health insurance...
You want to have it before shit happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.
I found out that the girl I'm dating is a gold digger
Idk how to tell her but I don't like gold diggers. It's not safe for her mentally as well as physically and the mine she works at doesn't give them health insurance or anything. What should I do?
My daughter just became a dad.
We had a chilly night recently, putting her to bed I asked "do you want covered with your bigger blanket?" She replied "no thanks, I don't need covered, I have insurance"
A really hot gal in my apartment complex said she wanted us to be "friends with benefits"
Does anyone know where I can get a group health insurance plan?
On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.
I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn't have an umbrella policy.
Did you hear that none of the destroyed businesses in Man of Steel were paid out by insurance?
Turns out their policies didn't cover an "act of Zod"
My ex and I only stay together because of shared insurance.
We're friends with benefits.
Insurance Proceeds
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera ran into an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, Remember that run down industrial building I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
"What are you doing here? Inquired the lawyer.
Remember multi-family housing I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.
Puzzled the lawyer asked, how'd you start the flood?
An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.
The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."
"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.
"Nah," the cowboy replies. "They both did it on purpose!"
I called my insurance to ask what would happen if Yellowstone ever blew up.
Don't worry, they said, You'll be covered.
The other day my house caught fire.
The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning down.
My insurance agent asked if I had ever hit a deer.
I told him that I had but in my defense he swung first.
