insurance Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious insurance puns

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

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I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

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Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

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Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

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Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

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I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

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Just saved a ton of money on my car insurance...

By switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

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I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

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So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance

His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(

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A guy's brought into a psych ward for an evaluation.

Guy: Doc, I'm not crazy.

Doc: That's something crazy people say.

Guy: But...okay, so what if I say I *am* crazy?

Doc: I'd trust your judgment.

Guy: So what the hell do sane people say???

Doc: 'My insurance doesn't cover this.'

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A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

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I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

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Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

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Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.

"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.

"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

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I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

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Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

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Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?

It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

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Why did the stripper need more insurance?

She had little to no coverage.

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Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

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The Car Accident

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay you'll walk again and everything however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans but the doctor goes on "You ...have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So" the doctor says" You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you've been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now she might be disappointed. It's important that she play a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have" says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

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I just saved a ton on car insurance....

By fleeing the scene.

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Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

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Savage Grandpa.

Grandson: "Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"

Grandpa: "So you can all be really sad when I die."

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Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

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How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

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So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store...

We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.

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A white man rear ends a car...

The other driver steps out, and is an Asian man. They trade insurance and call the police to get it sorted out.

When the cop comes, he looks at the white guy, looks at the Asian man who was hit, and says to the white guy,

"How in holy hell did this man back up into you that hard? "

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Bungee Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised
and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy
falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this
time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is
a pinata?"

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We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

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Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.

One guy says, I had a terrible fire and lost everything. Now the insurance is paying for everything, and that's why I am here.

The second guy says, I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I am here.

The third guy says, What a coincidence! I had a terrible flood; I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here!

The other two guys turn to him with confusion and ask, Flood? How do you start a flood?

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Car accidents and dwarves.

A man was texting and driving and generally not paying attention to the road. As he approached the stoplight, he slammed on his breaks a bit too late and collided into the car in front of him. Flustered, he searched for his insurance and waited for the man in the car in front of him to approach him.

He saw the car door in front of him open and out walked a very short, slightly chubby man with long gray hair and a beard to match. The man approached his window with an angry look and exclaimed, "I'm not *happy!*"

Giving him a second look, the man asked, "Then which one are you?"

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Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "


"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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What's not 50% off today?

Health insurance

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Career Change

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skill-ful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

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I hit the gym today...

But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.

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What are the most funny Insurance jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Insurance? Well, here are the best Insurance dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Insurance pick up lines to share with friends.

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