Insurance Jokes

What are some Insurance jokes?

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance

His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.

"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.

"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?

It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

Why did the stripper need more insurance?

She had little to no coverage.

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

I just saved a ton on car insurance....

By fleeing the scene.

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

Savage Grandpa.

Grandson: "Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"

Grandpa: "So you can all be really sad when I die."

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store...

We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.

One guy says, I had a terrible fire and lost everything. Now the insurance is paying for everything, and that's why I am here.

The second guy says, I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I am here.

The third guy says, What a coincidence! I had a terrible flood; I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here!

The other two guys turn to him with confusion and ask, Flood? How do you start a flood?

Car accidents and dwarves.

A man was texting and driving and generally not paying attention to the road. As he approached the stoplight, he slammed on his breaks a bit too late and collided into the car in front of him. Flustered, he searched for his insurance and waited for the man in the car in front of him to approach him.

He saw the car door in front of him open and out walked a very short, slightly chubby man with long gray hair and a beard to match. The man approached his window with an angry look and exclaimed, "I'm not *happy!*"

Giving him a second look, the man asked, "Then which one are you?"

What's not 50% off today?

Health insurance

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "


"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Career Change

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skill-ful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'

'He's 139.'

'Okay, come back next week then.'

'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'

'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'

'He's 164.'

'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'

'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'

I hit the gym today...

But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.

Military Benefits

Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Airman Jones was assigned

to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

My friend has mexican car insurance.

It's called get out and run.

Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?

Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.

I had to go to the hospital without insurance.

It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.

A guy gets pulled over on the highway going 90mph in a 55mph zone...

Deputy walks up to the window and says to the guy "I clocked you at 90mph in a 55mph zone, can I see your drivers license"? "Don't got it" says the guy. Deputy then asks for his insurance card to which the guy replies "I think I saw one next to the gun in the glove box". Deputy says "Why do you have a gun in the glove box"? "How else was I supposed tie up a woman, throw her in the trunk, and steal her car?" says the guy.

Just then the Sheriff arrives and the Deputy tells him the situation. Sheriff walks up to the guy and says "My Deputy tells me that you have a gun which you used to steal this car from the owner who is tied up in the trunk, and you don't have a license. Is this correct"? Guy says "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! He probably told you I was speeding too".

Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more sexy to me, than a girl who is fully covered...

...By her health insurance provider.

A man loses his eye in a car accident

When he's in recovery, his doctor tells him he won't be able to regain his vision so he offers him his finest false eyes. However, due to the insurance cost and hospital bills, the man can only afford a wooden eye as a replacement.

After a few weeks of adjusting to the wooden eye, he's feeling pretty confident so he goes out to a bar. As he sits down to drink, he spies a beautiful woman with a large nose from across the bar.

With every ounce of courage he has he approaches the woman and says "would you like to go on a date with me?"

"Would I!?" Replies the woman excitedly.

"Big nose!" Shouts the man angrily and storms out of the bar.

A man was in a terrible accident...

and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

A hurricane walks into a bar

The owner doesn't have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.

Shingles

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

I recently got a call from a bank asking me if I would be interested in buying an insurance. Here's how the call went.

Guy on the phone:- Would you be interested in an insurance?

Me:- Oh geez, I can't tell you right now, can you give me your home number so I can call you back?

Guy on the phone:- I'm sorry but we're not allowed to do that.

Me:- Oh I guess you don't want people calling you at your home.

Guy on the phone:- Uhh, no.

Me:- Well, now you know how I feel (Cutts off).




P.S.:- This joke is from Seinfield, I just found it funny so I decided to post.

Village Atheist

In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.

They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced.

The atheist died still an atheist, but the priest is fully insured.

So I hear Lawyer Jokes are in...

So a Lawyer is driving home from a successful case in his prized Ferrari, when he is hit from behind in a fender bender. He pulls over to swap insurance, but the driver just keeps going. Cursing his luck, he gets out to survey the damage when another car comes flying by, and takes his car door off. He is at this point freaking out, distraught at the damage to his prized possession when another car pulls to a stop. A man gets out and says, "I saw what happened, do you need help?". The lawyer says no, he'll just have to tow it and get a rental, when the guy stops him. "You lawyers are all the same; so obsessed with material things. Can't you see the car that knocked off your car door took your left arm with it?" The lawyer looks to his left for the first time and yells " my Rolex!"

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits



I'll leave now

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...

a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"

The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"

The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"

What did the insurance company say to the applicant?

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!

LPT: If you crash into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..

simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.

Why couldn't the 3 speed mixer get insurance?

He was high whisk.

An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.

When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"

"My husband's ashes", the client replied.

"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."

"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."

How to make Insurance jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Insurance to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Insurance? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Insurance pick up lines to share with friends.

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