Insulting Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*


An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.

Are news readers secretly insulting you?

**Moron this story later.**

Kennedy's USSR joke

A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

Yo' Mama is so poor, when she picks a booger, she yells, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!"

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.

He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.

Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.


Without being able to finish his sentence, the private interrupts his superior saying, "THANK YOU, SIR."

Offensive Joke: The principal of my daughter's elementary school wanted to talk me about her behavior.

Apparently she was making racist remarks towards the black kids in her class and insulting them.

I must say I am terrified and very disappointed, she isn't even allowed to talk to them.

Yo mama's so fat the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.

"Stalin is a fool!"

A man yelled in Red Square. He was arrested by the secret police and sentenced to 25 years. He was given five years for insulting the head of state, and 20 years for revealing classified information.

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

Why are there insulting names for liberals like libtard but none for Republicans?

Because calling someone a Republican is insulting enough

Insulting Bakers is Good Fun

You can really get a rise out of them.

Yo mama so fat that she could use a bra as a parachute

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).

He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".

The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Tsar!"

Got any funny fortune cookie idea's?

I own a restaurant and I have extremely funny fortune cookies, but I'm running out of fortune ideas! Help me! I need some raunchy, dirty and insulting fortunes! Show me what you got and you could see them in a fortune cookie one day!

A women enters a bus carrying her baby

As she passes the driver, he remarks, "that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

The woman is understandably angry but sits down anyway near the back of the bus. As she sits there, fuming, a man sitting next to her notices and asks, "what's wrong?"

"The bus driver was very insulting to me. I feel very disrespected. He should be fired for such behavior!"

The man says, "I agree. He shouldn't be allowed to talk that way. you should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I'll hold the monkey."

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

The sexual position reverse cowgirl has been outlawed in West Virginia.

They claim turning your back on family is very insulting.

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.

Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.

When somebody calls you gay, say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

Hey Lady!

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

This continued for a couple weeks. Eventually, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store if the parrot did not stop insulting her.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!"

"Yes?", she said

The parrot said, "You know."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
faces like yours
belong in a zoo.

Don't worry I'll be there too,
not in the cage,
but laughing at you.

Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox.

We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

I told my comrades that the commissar is an idiot. I got 31 years gulag...

1 year for insulting a political officer,

30 years for revealing a state secret

Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Yo mamma so fat not even Dora can explore her.

Yo momma so dumb she threw a ball at the ground and missed.

You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.

Why should you always walk a mile in someone's shoes before insulting them?

Because then when you insult them you'll be a mile away,

and you'll have their shoes.

They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.

Yo mama so fat when she was swimming in the ocean the indians claimed her as the new land.

Q: What do you get if you cross a football team with a flower center?
A: Nottingham forest.

Yo mama so slow that when she tried to cross the road she got a parking ticket.

"It's no biggie"

I can't tell if they are trying to make me feel better or insulting my manhood on the first date.

Articles insulting sociopaths are offensive

If I had feelings they would be really hurt.

Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
A: Put up a Bingo sign.

A woman finds out her husband his cheating on her

A woman finds out her husband his cheating on her, so when the man comes home, she immediately started insulting him and throwing his belongings at him, saying she doesn't want to see him anymore and shouting at him to leave. As the husband is walking out the door, she turns to him and says I hope you die slowly and painfully. The husband replies Oh so now you want me to stay!

Yo mama is so fat it took her three whole months to get through a door.

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Did you hear about the man who was found dead shortly after insulting one Mr. T Crews?

He died of dissin' Terry.

Yo mamma so old she pre-order the bible.

Yo' Mama is so fat, you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in to have sex with her.

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

How can I keep a major nerd in suspense for 24 hours? I'll tell you tomorrow.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

You're not acting like yourself today, I noticed the improvement right away.

Yo Momma's a bowling ball.
She is round and heavy, men stick three fingers into her and push her in the gutter.
Then she comes rolling back for more.

Yo mama so poor, when I ring the door bell, she yells: DING DONG!

When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

Everyone has a right to be ugly but you abuse the privilege.

What are the funniest insulting jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Insulting? Well, here are the best Insulting puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Insulting pick up lines to share with friends.

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