Instructions Jokes
113 instructions jokes and hilarious instructions puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about instructions that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Have you ever tried to put together something using the confusing instructions from IKEA? Read this article for some hilarious jokes about unclear instructions. Get to know the different options when it comes to carefully following guidance and understand why it's worth taking your time.
Quick Jump To
- Short Instructions Jokes
- Instructions One Liners
- Ikea Instructions Jokes
- Instructions Unclear Jokes
- More Instructions Jokes
Funniest Instructions Short Jokes
Short instructions jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The instructions humour may include short instructs jokes also.
- The people who write instructions for places like IKEA must be in good shape. All that manual labor
- I found out what that math teacher with graph paper from yesterday's joke was plotting.... ...weapons of math instruction.
- A programmer got stuck in the shower because... The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat." - Never literally taking cooking instructions… It said chill in the fridge for an hour
I nearly died - A lot of baking instructions say 425°F But I always do 420° just to make it a little cooler.
- Instructions for falling down stairs... Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 8 - 10% of european babies are conceived on an IKEA bed. So, be sure to follow the instructions.
Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten. - TIL: The vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides. His original instructions were as follows: "Euclipides nuts."
- I built a staircase using an online tutorial! When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step.
- My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning. It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.
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Instructions One Liners
Which instructions one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with instructions? I can suggest the ones about tips and guide.
- Instructions how to fall down stairs: Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 14 - To who ever put the "L" in noel Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?
- Instructions for falling down the stairs: Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12.
- I just found a monopoly set without instructions. What are the chances?
- What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine? Shake well before use.
- If I had to describe myself in one word... It would be, "Unable to follow instructions."
- "Describe yourself in three words" "Incapable of following basic instructions and cool"
- I read the instruction manual for my new watch It was about time
- Someone asked me to describe myself in 3 words Not good at following instructions.
- Did you know that stairs come with their own instructions? They're step-by-step.
- I bought ladders from IKEA today. They came with step by step instructions.
- Forgot to read the instructions on my new eyeliner Guess I'll have to make it up
- How do I turn my new girlfriend on? She's a robot and the instructions are in Chinese.
- Which board game instruction manual is the Torah? Jumanji
- Why did the rhino break his phone? The instructions told him to charge it!
Ikea Instructions Jokes
Here is a list of funny ikea instructions jokes and even better ikea instructions puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
- I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week. They sent me a dead cow and some instructions on how to skin it.
- Our Mexican friend is a w**... when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture. He is our instruction Manuel.
- I found an instruction manual for s**... at IKEA All it said was insert peg A into hole 1
Instructions Unclear Jokes
Here is a list of funny instructions unclear jokes and even better instructions unclear puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "You can be whoever you want to be!" Instructions unclear. Currently serving time for identity theft.
- Human brain mimicing spiNNaker is brought online, and is asked if it human, it responds: INSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR CAT5 CABLE STUCK IN CEILING FAN.
- I like my women like i like my ceiling fans Without peoples d**... in it when the instructions are unclear.
Amusing & Witty Instructions Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about instructions you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean direction jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make instructions pranks.
Just bought a new deodorant...
The instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom.'
...which helps with the smell, admittedly, but hurts a lot!
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn't come with instructions. So far we know that if I'm in a good mood, it's green...
and if I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.
Why did the Republican get a sunburn?
Because the sunscreen instructed to apply liberally and he was unwilling to compromise.
At the Doctor
A man is at the doctor for his physical.
The doctor says, "Alright, just pull down your pants so I can have a look."
The man does as instructed.
The doctor says, "You should stop m**...."
The man ask's, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "So I can start the exam."
Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."
The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."
A husband calls his wife from his office, and the maid picks up...
The husband ask, "Hello, is my wife around?"
The maid responds with, "No, sir, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."
The husband, completely enraged, orders the maid to kill both his wife and her boyfriend.
Wen the maid returns, she asks what she should do with the bodies. The husband instructs her to simply toss the bodies in the pool.
Silence comes from the other end, and after a few seconds, the maid says, "Pool, sir?"
The husband looks down at his phone and says, "This isn't 229-6342, is it?"
A programmer...
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever?
Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"
I bought a new deodorant today.
The instructions said "open cap and push up bottom". Now I can't walk but my farts smell awesome.
A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia
Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal
A supervisor at a Tickle-Me-Elmo factory...
...instructed an employee to give the dolls 'test tickles'. The dolls were recalled for being anatomically correct.
If I had to describe myself in three words...
It would be; Tall, dark and unable to follow basic instructions
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.
He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.
Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.
In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY."
Without being able to finish his sentence, the private interrupts his superior saying, "THANK YOU, SIR."
Bush, Obama, and Trump go on a hunting trip.
Their hunting guide instructs them to find and follow tracks and they should be able to find their quarry.
Bush follows some tracks and gets a bear. Obama follows some tracks and gets a deer.
Trump follows some tracks and gets hit by a train.
I got a new stick of deodorant today.
The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'
I can barely walk, but when I f**... the room smells wonderful
I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card.
The terminal instruction read "s**... down, facing cashier".
I locked eyes for dominance.
The blacksmith hires an apprentice
He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith
A woman gets called into her office HR department
They tell her that they noticed her password for her login was very unusual and asked her how she chose "DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacarmento"
She said - "well the instructions were to have a password with seven characters and have at least one capitol, so I thought I was just following the rules"
I just bought this new deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"
I can hardly walk but when I f**... it smells amazing
Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider.
The cited reason for the arrest was: " He was carrying weapons of math instruction".
As one door closes, another opens...
I really wish I'd followed the instructions building this wardrobe.
Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor
What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?
There's a p**... of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.
Next the p**... is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions.
She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."
When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully
Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"
I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.
The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I f**..., the room smells incredible.
A man went on a semi-guided hunting trip in the remote wilderness.
Before setting off on the first day the guide instructed him to shoot three times into the air if he should get lost. Sure enough, the man the man became lost and did as instructed. Nobody came. This continued over the course of the next four days. Finally, on the fifth day a search party located the lost man and just in the nick of time as he only had one arrow left.
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice
His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.
A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"
I bought a new deodorant yesterday.
The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
Why couldn't the r**... use sunscreen?
Because the instructions said to apply liberally
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
I purchased a deodorant stick today
Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I f**....
When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:
"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)
Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched
A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction
Spy
A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .
I got a new deodorant today.
The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".
Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell AWESOME
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.
The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Was a good name for an angel that always looks up the instructions online?
*e*Manual
(it's not a good joke, but I came up with it myself... so that has to count for something lol)
A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught in procession of weapons of math instruction!"
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.
But the instructions just say 'You know the rules, and so do I
I tried an At Home Covid Test
Instructions:
1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can smell it and taste it, this confirms that you don't have the Covid.
Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and I feel like I'm coming down with something.
So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.
Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.
The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.
Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.
Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees
Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...
The difference between theoretically and practically
A son asks his father, dad, what is the difference between theoretically and practically? The father promptly instructs the boy, Go ask your mother if she would sleep with our neighbor for $1 million and then go ask your sister the same question.
The son does just that. His mother answers with a clear yes and so does his sister. Excited he goes back to his father and tells him they both said yes. To which the father replies, you see son, theoretically we're millionaires, practically we live with two w**....
Why are there so many r**... in Florida?
Because sunscreen instructions include: apply liberally
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
A guy with worms up his b**... goes to see a doctor.
Guy: Doc, these worms be killing me, what can we do ??
Doc: Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the worm leader gets a taste, He'll call his buddies to join him out.
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the worm leader crawls out for little taste.
The worm leader: Yo me hearties, on my three, and.. LIFT!
Bought a deodorant stick today.
Instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom"
I can hardly walk but when I f**... the room smells lovely
A man that can't talk goes to the doctor
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
My math teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a calculator, and a ruler!
The FBI charged her with weapons of math instruction.
They really threw the book at her…
Harry Potter Joke
While assembling a new shelf for the wife she instructed me. "Don't mess up the floor!" So I threw down the flatten box with authority and proclaimed, "Protecto Dafloor'um"
The eye rolls for her and the kids were priceless!
Breaking News
At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck t**... into the lives of many for generations. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
The Princess of Potatoes has to marry
King Tater instructs his daughter to choose a noble potato to wed.
The princess says, "Father, I have chosen. I want to marry Rachel Maddow."
"I WON'T HAVE IT!" yells King Tater in a fury.
"But Father, I never knew you would be homophobic," said the princess.
"It's not that!" said the king. "It's that she's only a commentator."
t**...
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.
First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"
"Zero Hara, sir," answered the private.
