Instant Jokes
83 instant jokes and hilarious instant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about instant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for an instant laugh, pot of cheer, or something sensual to spice up the moment? Look no further as this article has it all. Find out how to instantly get your daily dose of humor with quick and easy jokes. Enjoy a satisfying moment of laughter and instant karma with these amusing chuckles.
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Funniest Instant Short Jokes
Short instant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The instant humour may include short immediately jokes also.
- Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me. Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it
- My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia
- I made a huge mistake I took my girlfriend to subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.
- Met a girl in the park... Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.
These taser guns are well worth the money. - Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly This shows how toxic the media is
- i told my girlfriend yesterday, she should learn to embrace her mistakes she seemed very content, because she instantly hugged me.
- When the Saudi police tackled me after I stole something from the market… …I instantly realised my mistake when I shouted, "Unhand me!"
- The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea Can't sleep at all with that thing on my face.
- The cannibal A cannibal was handed the funurary urn of a relative: What is this, instant soup?
- What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems? A mirror
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Instant One Liners
Which instant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with instant? I can suggest the ones about urgent and fast.
- What instant coffee and Sasha Grey
have in common? 3 in 1 - A Jewish man does not make instant coffee....... Hebrews...
- I have cat-like reflexes. When I see a cat, I instantly like it.
- What do you call a superhero who's made out of instant noodles? Ra-man.
- What do you call a song with a Chris Brown feature? An instant hit.
- Why do so many people take an instant dislike to accordion music? It saves time.
- How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally? Cough.
- What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear? Everyone would fall asleep
- I put some instant ramen on my grandma today... I call it Instagram.
- A man walks into a BAR and dies instantly from the bayonet strapped to the end of it.
- How did the cat with 9 lives die instantly? It got ran over by a 3x3 truck.
- Why did the cannibals go to the crematorium? To get a cup of instant soup
- Recently came into some money. Instant regret, way too sticky.
- I know how to lose over 20 lbs instantly but it costs an arm and a leg
- I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea... But the time difference is steep.
Instant Coffee Jokes
Here is a list of funny instant coffee jokes and even better instant coffee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work. He didn't suffer, it was instant.
- I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory. We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died.
Luckily it was instant. - Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee? Because they hate the French Press.
(This joke used to be more topical) - One day, I made instant coffee in my microwave. I nearly went back in time.
- Steven Wright
Instant Ramen Jokes
Here is a list of funny instant ramen jokes and even better instant ramen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The biggest instant noodle company in Japan just went out of business People are calling it the Fall of the Ramen Empire
- Bruce Wayne made some instant noodles Batman and Ramen
- Chuck Norris once won the title of Iron Chef by cooking instant ramen noodles.
- Great books.. Helps you cook your instant ramen.
Instant Laugh Jokes
Here is a list of funny instant laugh jokes and even better instant laugh puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- [OC] q professor was explaining emotions to his students He had just finished explaining the formula for humour when a clock fell from the wall, killing him instantly. The students all laughed
Instant Karma Jokes
Here is a list of funny instant karma jokes and even better instant karma puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wha is your favorite instant karma happening that you have witnessed?
- John Lennon should do an AMA... ...for instant karma.
- How do you get instant karma for saying someone's name? /u/FARTBOX_DESTROYER
Laughter Instant Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about instant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make instant pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LPT: If you're single this weekend, remember...
Name your hands and you'll have an instant t**...!
Happy Valentine's day!
Why don't plumbers like to work on instant hot water heaters?
It's a tankless job!
Sometimes when I'm riding in an über, I like to request another über.
Instant car chase.
I just heard my friend suffocated working at a nescafé factory.
I was worried he suffered but luckily, it was instant.
A friend tried to trip me up in an Indian restaurant, failed, and fell face first in to someone's mild chicken dish.
I call it instant korma.
I don't care if you like it, I can tikka or leave it.
Are instant noodles male or female?
Male. Cause they get ready in a couple of minutes.
These days my boss has been getting on my nerves. See I'm a brick layer and he is always yelling to layer the bricks faster and faster...
These days everyone wants instant stratification.
Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?
It saves so much time.
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
Last night, I caught myself staring into the Abyss...
Also known as Amazon Instant Video
LPT: How to make friends with girls in an instant
Just tell a girl "I love you"
She' ll reply : " No, i just want us to be friends"
There you go, you got now a girl----friend.
Keep counting..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Being caught m**... at ninja school means instant expulsion.
They should never see you coming.
What's the instantaneous rate of change of an Italian farewell?
Derivederci!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The queen of England f**... and quickly looked for someone else to blame.
"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?
In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
What do we want?
Instant gratification!
When do we want it?!
Now!
A limbo champion walks into a bar
Instant disqualification.
Teenagers are incredibly agile.
They can turn on their parents in an instant.
Who do you like more, mom or dad?
A conversation I had with a friend that I wanted to share:
Me: who do you like more bro? Your mom or your dad?
Him: I don't know, I think I love them equally.
Me: Seriously? You don't have 1% more love for one or the either?
Him: nope, how about you?
Me: I'd choose your mom in an instant..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd?
s**... vest
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to instantly stop a baby from choking?
You t**... your hips back
An older couple finds genie lamp.
The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.
The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"
Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.
The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"
In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend accidentally discovered a foolproof method of getting instant long lashes.
He smoked a joint in Saudi Arabia.
Technology has come far for girls.
You now have the option for an instant real time choice of various picture filters as makeup instead of your original makeup or double up!
Instant e-mail.
Was legendary when it was invented, but today, it's nothing to write home about.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If i could cure my fever by using smooth pickup lines...
i would die from a heat s**... in an instant...
I got a vanity plate yesterday.
Instant regret. Pee everywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a d**... club..." he tells the bartender.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a d**... club..." he tells the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman meet. Instant Attraction.
Across a parking lot. They jump into her car and go at it straight away. Afterwards when they're collecting themselves, he says to her, Gee, if I'd known you were a v**..., I would have taken my time. She replies, Gee, if I knew you had the time I would have taken off my pantyhose first.
just watched a man get arrested trying to steal frozen food from an indian market
instant korma
A man was chatting up a woman at a bar.
'You know, Im really fast at math..' he says.
'Really? What is 5420 multiplied by 7632?' she asked
'430' came the instant reply.
'What? But thats not right, it's not even close!'
'Maybe.. but it was fast.'
A guy walks down the street and carries an urn in his arms.
A cannibal goes around him and says, "Daamn, where'd you get instant?
(Translated from Czech)
"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."
"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now?
Of course."
The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,
"Oh i see! You forgot to remove the spoon!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great
From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student r**... in 1955.
>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.
>"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"
I saw this one reposted here earlier this week..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Extraction
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's b**... when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, Hurt much? The patient hesitated, Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!
