Insists Jokes
85 insists jokes and hilarious insists puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about insists that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Insists Short Jokes
Short insists jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The insists humour may include short agrees jokes also.
- Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
- I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment. - Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race. He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.
- The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers. At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.
- A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly... ...and as you can see, they were Wright
- My girlfriend keeps insisting that I'm cheating on her. She's starting to sound like my wife.
- Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before. I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.
- My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up I'm an only child :(
Share These Insists Jokes With Friends
Insists One Liners
Which insists one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with insists? I can suggest the ones about demands and continues.
- I heard that drake insists on lavender scented condoms... ...So his farts don't stink
- That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home Iran
- Stop washing your hair with shampoo! Insist on REAL poo!
- I think my wife is hallucinating. She keeps insisting that she's seeing other people.
- My wife is very insistent on spooning in bed? But forking is apparently off the table
- Why did Calvin's dad insist that Calvin play D&D? It builds character
- My girlfriend is insisting on a shower cap for me. Apparently 8 a day is too many.
- A feminist and a gentleman went on a date They both insist on walking each other home.
- I told my doctor I have hearing aids... ... but he insists it's just an ear infection...
- I took out the trash the other night... She always insists we go out for our anniversary.
- I was told to drink a lot of Perrier My fizzy eau therapist insists on it.
- I got caught stealing at the florist. When the cops arrived I insisted it was a plant.
- The sticky note kept insisting to go on vacation with me. I put him on board.
- I used to be afraid of flying in planes But nowadays I insist on one.
- My friends keep insisting I'm the cheapest person they have ever met. I'm not buying it.
Witty Insists Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about insists you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exclaims jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make insists pranks.
I got a time machine for christmas!
Or a Digital Watch as everyone insists i call it.
Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites)
A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman's name to the long waiting list. "Come back two years from now on March 17th," he says.
The woman consults her calendar. "Morning or afternoon?" she asks.
"What difference does it make?" the surly dealer replies. "That's two years from now!"
"The plumber is coming that day," she says.
My father-in-law insists on giving me clocks at every holiday.
It's giving me a tic.
What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman
An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.
After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.
'I give up'
The Englishman smiles and walks off.
[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]
Blonde Witness
A blonde named Edna had to appear in court as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor asked her, "Where were you the night of 5th September?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "It's irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said Edna from the witness stand. "I can answer that question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said Edna. "I don't mind giving the answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of 5th September?"
Edna replied brightly, "I don't know."
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
A recent joke from eastern Ukraine
Two friends meet, both native Russian speakers – as is everyone in this region – but one speaks Russian, and the other insists on speaking Ukrainian.
Why are you speaking Ukrainian? asks one friend. Are you afraid Ukrainian nationalists will come and kill you?
No, comes the reply. I'm afraid if Putin hears me speaking Russian, he will come to 'protect' my rights!
My atheist, mathematician friend insists religion is negative...
Because at it's root, it's imaginary!
A farmer and his family are approached by a government worker.
A government worker comes by the farm and tells the farmer that the government has now decided to improve its agriculture and will now reward all the farmers in the country with a mill to be built at no cost to them. The farmer refuses and politely asks the man to leave his property. The worker insists that the farmer allow the government to build him a complimentary mill, stating that no harm will come from this. The farmer again asks the man to leave and left with no choice, he does. The farmer's wife and son ask him "Why didn't you accept the offer?" and the farmer responds back "There's no such thing as a free mill."
The Soviets decided that they wanted to see which ethnic group could go the longest without eating.
So, to no one's surprise, Russians are pretty racist. My Belorussian girlfriend just told me this one, and insists that it's funny.
The Soviets decided that they wanted to see which ethnic group could go the longest without eating. They lock a Russian, a Ukrainian, a Belorussian and a "Chukcha" (Inuit) in different rooms, and tell them to call on the phone when they get hungry. One day passes and the Russian calls, two days go by and the Belarussian calls, three days gone and the Ukrainian calls. Then four, five, six days pass, and still no call from the Chukcha. The authorities go and see how he's doing, and they find an emaciated man barely clinging to life, calling out "phone, phone."
For the Russian speakers, he calls out - "телефона телефона, чукча кушать хочет."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two women meet over a coffee.
"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my girlfriend and I do role play s**... she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...
I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!
A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill
The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab
I think my friend is addicted to snorting brake dust
But he insists he can stop any time he wants to
Guy goes up to a woman at a bar
He flirts with her, makes small talk and she insists that she isn't going home with him. The guy says what if I offer you a million dollars to sleep with me, the woman never had million dollars in her life, she stops and considers the offer very seriously, the guy says wait what If I changed my offer, what IF i offer you a dollar to sleep with me? woman is aghast she says what kind of woman do yoou think I am> He says well we already figured that out. Now were just negotiating.
My plumber insists on personally using every toilet he just installed.
His mission is to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Sorry Gene. We still love you.
I heard a rumor that a certain 17th century metaphysical poet was cheap...
But who wants to tip a waitress who insists, before one has even finished the appetizer, that he must be Donne.
Two nice guys didn't walk into a bar
They both insists they would hold the door for each others.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once dated a girl who had no p**... hair.
She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways.
I was talking to Luke Skywalker the other day...
And he asked me why 7 was such a scary number
I told him that 789
But Yoda insists
It was 678
A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm...
A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm and insists that he join everyone for beers.
New guy looks at him, and tells him, my Faith doesn't allow me to drink.
Why the co-worker asks, are you muslim?
No, my wife, Faith, she punches above her weight.
I know a guy addicted to drinking brake fluid...
I'm worried about him, but he insists he can stop anytime.
If I could nominate just one person to NEVER be my bartender, it would be Eminem
He insists 'you only get one shot'.
Like I'm gonna get drunk off of one shot.. pffft
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I love it d**.... But my wife always insists
...that I give her a treat afterwards.
A man suffering from Alzheimer's leaves a bakery...
...and as he walks out the door the baker yells 'You forgotch'ya focaccia!'
(came from a dream i had. the GF insists its terrible but ill keep using it when i introduce it to her friends)
Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.
My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.
Kleptomaniac friend told me he found the cure for obesity.
Wouldn't say what it is, but he insists that it's easy.
Like taking candy from a baby.
The President insists he's a genius but...
Dunning-Kruger isn't just a river in Egypt
What do you call it when your ride to work insists on driving an alternate route that goes through a tunnel?
Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife insists that we have s**... almost every night.
She's a real stickler for dickler.
I'm convinced I need a retina transplant.
My dad insists I get another pair of eyes before I commit.
A blind man is arrested for a crime he insists he could not have committed, as he was busy reading at the time.
He has been released on braille.
Two people are walking in the woods
Suddenly, they come across a set of tracks. One of the tells the other that they're rabbit tracks. The other insists that they are fox tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why does mystery story writer insists upon mixing additional crushed stone while laying the foundation?
So the plot thickens.
There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,
I like to call them, the accidents, but my wife insists on calling them our children.
What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table?
I'd rather him just hand me my check standing up. It's hard to crawl under there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
R. Kelly has made a song denying any s**... misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.
Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.
Breaking News: US authorities discover Chinese human trafficking ring
Trump insists on a 25% tariff on all imports.
Every time I see my doctor he insists on giving me a prostate exam.
Which is weird because he's a psychiatrist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every time a see my doctor he insists on taking my r**... temperature.
Which is weird because he's a psychiatrist.
My friend moved to Germany for school and was arrested and charged for voyeurism in the female dorms...
...he insists he's innocent, as he was only there to study abroad.
Been arguing with my wife about how to pronounce the name of this biscuit
I say its nice, but she insists its nice
My doctor always insists on checking my prostate.
Which is weird because he's a psychiatrist.
An old married couple is laying in bed one night
And the woman turns to the man and says, "we're both old so one of us is going to die soon, but if I die first are you going to remarry?"
The man says, "No no, I will never remarry you're the only one for me."
But the wife insists and she says, "no I want you to remarry if I die, but the next question is will you take down my pictures after you remarry."
The husband says, "How could I? I would want to keep your memory on until my dying days.
But the wife isn't satisfied and she asks one more question,
"Would you give her my golf clubs?"
And the husband says, "Of course not she's left handed."
John goes to the doctor for his routine annual physical, along with another person.
Doctor : have you stopped drinking?
John : Yes doc, i have stopped drinking. However if someone "really, really" insists, i do have a drink.
Doctor : it's fine. I am glad you made progress. Who is this person? A dear friend of yours?
John : he is the guy I have hired, to keep on "really really" insisting!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked Sister Claire why she insists on wearing a dirty hat to church.
She said it's just a n**... habit.
There's a reason they call it "March Madness".
A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.
The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells This is for the Vols! and jumps off the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes his love for his team. He screams This is for the Cats! and pushes the Duke fan off the mountain.
Only in Alabama
When your girlfriend insists on coming to your family reunion because she is afraid you'll cheat.
I'm currently dating a utilitarian.
She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...
A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells out to the chef "yo beans, make another plate".
Toilet brush
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
If only my wife could look at me now from heaven.
But noooo, she insists on staying alive.
I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant
My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have every detail placed perfectly on it. After a few weeks of this, I decided to ask him about it.
"Excuse me, Pastor" I asked. "Why are you so fixated on the front display?"
"Oh, that" he replied. "It's just my altar ego."
A guy goes to the doctor...
... and says "I would like to get castrated".
The doctor is confused saying " Are you sure? That's a big step."
But the guy insists, so the doctor performs the operation.
When the guy gets home his wife asks "Did you get vaccinated?"
He slams his head "ahh VACCINATED"
(Translated from another language)
What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?
Very shellfish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says
thanks if there's anything you ever need let me know
The dolphin replies
you're welcome
Then the Whale says g**.......why would you want that?
Foreigner
A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink ans sees an attractive woman at the end of the bar. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy that woman a drink.
Bartender says "she's a Lesbian you know"
Man insists and the bartender put a drink down in front of her.
Man waits 5 minutes, and walks up to her asks
"so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light
As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.
My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship
Or as the judge insists on calling it, a restraining order
An older couple is lying in bed.
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Surface area if a circle, that is ridiculous!
My teacher insists that pi r squared is how to calculate. But everyone knows that Pie are round.
Happy pi day!
Date
A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.
"I'm not selling you that," says the druggist. "You'll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that's been refrigerated?"
need help figuring out a joke.
A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:
Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and hits the ball not as far as the first guy but further than the second guy. The last guy takes a red golf ball, tees up, hits the ball, and it goes up up up.
I don't get it and no one I knows can figure it out. Please help.
On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.
"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."
"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"
He replies, "No, I really can't - You're a size 17 and she wears a size 10."
My therapist just diagnosed me as a people's person…
..but he insists it's called multiple personality disorder.
