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Insists Jokes

85 insists jokes and hilarious insists puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about insists that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Insists Short Jokes

Short insists jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The insists humour may include short insisted jokes also.

  1. Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
  2. My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
  3. I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
  4. I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
    I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
  5. Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race. He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.
  6. My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type As he died, he kept insisting be positive , but it's hard without him.
  7. The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers. At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.
  8. A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly... ...and as you can see, they were Wright
  9. My girlfriend keeps insisting that I'm cheating on her. She's starting to sound like my wife.
  10. Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before. I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.

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Insists One Liners

Which insists one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with insists? I can suggest the ones about believes and urges.

  1. My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.
  2. My friends keep insisting I'm too frugal. I'm not buying it.
  3. Why do vegan insist on telling you they are vegan? They can't bite their tongues.
  4. I heard that drake insists on lavender scented condoms... ...So his farts don't stink
  5. My dyslexic friend insisted he wasn't gay but I knew He was in Daniel.
  6. That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home Iran
  7. Stop washing your hair with shampoo! Insist on REAL poo!
  8. I think my wife is hallucinating. She keeps insisting that she's seeing other people.
  9. My wife is very insistent on spooning in bed? But forking is apparently off the table
  10. Why did Calvin's dad insist that Calvin play D&D? It builds character
  11. My girlfriend is insisting on a shower cap for me. Apparently 8 a day is too many.
  12. A feminist and a gentleman went on a date They both insist on walking each other home.
  13. I told my doctor I have hearing aids... ... but he insists it's just an ear infection...
  14. I took out the trash the other night... She always insists we go out for our anniversary.
  15. I once knew someone addicted to drinking breaking fluid He insisted he could stop anytime

Insists joke, I once knew someone addicted to drinking breaking fluid

Witty Insists Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about insists you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean agrees jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make insists pranks.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**....

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal caribbean ship. But my priest insists he died on the cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman

An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.
After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.
'I give up'
The Englishman smiles and walks off.
[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]

An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.

The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."

A recent joke from eastern Ukraine

Two friends meet, both native Russian speakers – as is everyone in this region – but one speaks Russian, and the other insists on speaking Ukrainian.
Why are you speaking Ukrainian? asks one friend. Are you afraid Ukrainian nationalists will come and kill you?
No, comes the reply. I'm afraid if Putin hears me speaking Russian, he will come to 'protect' my rights!

My atheist, mathematician friend insists religion is negative...

Because at it's root, it's imaginary!

Preacher gets pulled over.

The officer asks for ID, when he says
"what have you had to drink tonight?"
The preacher replies
"Only water, sir."
The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"
The preacher, with a confident retort, says
"d**..., he's done it again."

The Soviets decided that they wanted to see which ethnic group could go the longest without eating.

So, to no one's surprise, Russians are pretty racist. My Belorussian girlfriend just told me this one, and insists that it's funny.
The Soviets decided that they wanted to see which ethnic group could go the longest without eating. They lock a Russian, a Ukrainian, a Belorussian and a "Chukcha" (Inuit) in different rooms, and tell them to call on the phone when they get hungry. One day passes and the Russian calls, two days go by and the Belarussian calls, three days gone and the Ukrainian calls. Then four, five, six days pass, and still no call from the Chukcha. The authorities go and see how he's doing, and they find an emaciated man barely clinging to life, calling out "phone, phone."
For the Russian speakers, he calls out - "телефона телефона, чукча кушать хочет."

Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"

When my girlfriend and I do role play s**... she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill

The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab

I was told to drink a lot of Perrier

My fizzy eau therapist insists on it.

My plumber insists on personally using every toilet he just installed.

His mission is to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Sorry Gene. We still love you.

I heard a rumor that a certain 17th century metaphysical poet was cheap...

But who wants to tip a waitress who insists, before one has even finished the appetizer, that he must be Donne.

Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**...

But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

Two nice guys didn't walk into a bar

They both insists they would hold the door for each others.

My doctor wrote me a prescription...

It writes dailysex but my girlfriend insists it's dyslexia

I once dated a girl who had no p**... hair.

She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways.

I was talking to Luke Skywalker the other day...

And he asked me why 7 was such a scary number
I told him that 789
But Yoda insists
It was 678

A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm...

A co-worker grabs the new guy by the arm and insists that he join everyone for beers.
New guy looks at him, and tells him, my Faith doesn't allow me to drink.
Why the co-worker asks, are you muslim?
No, my wife, Faith, she punches above her weight.

I know a guy addicted to drinking brake fluid...

I'm worried about him, but he insists he can stop anytime.

If I could nominate just one person to NEVER be my bartender, it would be Eminem

He insists 'you only get one shot'.
Like I'm gonna get drunk off of one shot.. pffft

I love it d**.... But my wife always insists

...that I give her a treat afterwards.

A man suffering from Alzheimer's leaves a bakery...

...and as he walks out the door the baker yells 'You forgotch'ya focaccia!'
(came from a dream i had. the GF insists its terrible but ill keep using it when i introduce it to her friends)

I think my friend is addicted to brake fluid but...

He insists he can stop whenever he wants.

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.

What do you call it when your ride to work insists on driving an alternate route that goes through a tunnel?

Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome

I'm convinced I need a retina transplant.

My dad insists I get another pair of eyes before I commit.

A blind man is arrested for a crime he insists he could not have committed, as he was busy reading at the time.

He has been released on braille.

Two people are walking in the woods

Suddenly, they come across a set of tracks. One of the tells the other that they're rabbit tracks. The other insists that they are fox tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why does mystery story writer insists upon mixing additional crushed stone while laying the foundation?

So the plot thickens.

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, the accidents, but my wife insists on calling them our children.

What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table?

I'd rather him just hand me my check standing up. It's hard to crawl under there.

R. Kelly has made a song denying any s**... misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

A Man Walks Up To A Woman At A Bar...

He flirts with her. He makes small talk, but the woman insists she isn't going home with him.
The man says, "What if I gave you a million dollars to sleep with me?"
The woman gives his offer considerable thought and agrees.
The guy changes his mind and says, "How about a dollar?"
She's like, "what kind of woman do you think I am?"
He replies, "We already figured that out."

I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid....

He insists that he can stop at any time

Every time I see my doctor he insists on giving me a prostate exam.

Which is weird because he's a psychiatrist.

My friend moved to Germany for school and was arrested and charged for voyeurism in the female dorms...

...he insists he's innocent, as he was only there to study abroad.

Been arguing with my wife about how to pronounce the name of this biscuit

I say its nice, but she insists its nice

John goes to the doctor for his routine annual physical, along with another person.

Doctor : have you stopped drinking?
John : Yes doc, i have stopped drinking. However if someone "really, really" insists, i do have a drink.
Doctor : it's fine. I am glad you made progress. Who is this person? A dear friend of yours?
John : he is the guy I have hired, to keep on "really really" insisting!!

I asked Sister Claire why she insists on wearing a dirty hat to church.

She said it's just a n**... habit.

There's a reason they call it "March Madness".

A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.
The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells This is for the Vols! and jumps off the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes his love for his team. He screams This is for the Cats! and pushes the Duke fan off the mountain.

Only in Alabama

When your girlfriend insists on coming to your family reunion because she is afraid you'll cheat.

Since isolation started, my work insists that we use Omegle for all our meetings

I didn't attend though, everyone there seems like a bunch of wankers.

My wife insists I should read Pride and Prejudice , but I said no.

I'm too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.

I'm currently dating a utilitarian.

She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells out to the chef "yo beans, make another plate".

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**....

My girlfriend insists it says Dyslexia.

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper

If only my wife could look at me now from heaven.

But noooo, she insists on staying alive.

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have every detail placed perfectly on it. After a few weeks of this, I decided to ask him about it.
"Excuse me, Pastor" I asked. "Why are you so fixated on the front display?"
"Oh, that" he replied. "It's just my altar ego."

A guy goes to the doctor...

... and says "I would like to get castrated".
The doctor is confused saying " Are you sure? That's a big step."
But the guy insists, so the doctor performs the operation.
When the guy gets home his wife asks "Did you get vaccinated?"
He slams his head "ahh VACCINATED"
(Translated from another language)

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says
thanks if there's anything you ever need let me know
The dolphin replies
you're welcome
Then the Whale says g**.......why would you want that?

Foreigner

A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink ans sees an attractive woman at the end of the bar. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy that woman a drink.
Bartender says "she's a Lesbian you know"
Man insists and the bartender put a drink down in front of her.
Man waits 5 minutes, and walks up to her asks
"so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light

As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as the judge insists on calling it, a restraining order

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

An older couple is lying in bed.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Surface area if a circle, that is ridiculous!

My teacher insists that pi r squared is how to calculate. But everyone knows that Pie are round.
Happy pi day!

Date

A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.
"I'm not selling you that," says the druggist. "You'll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that's been refrigerated?"

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:
Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and hits the ball not as far as the first guy but further than the second guy. The last guy takes a red golf ball, tees up, hits the ball, and it goes up up up.
I don't get it and no one I knows can figure it out. Please help.

On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.

"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."
"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"
He replies, "No, I really can't - You're a size 17 and she wears a size 10."

My therapist just diagnosed me as a people's person…

..but he insists it's called multiple personality disorder.

Insists joke, My therapist just diagnosed me as a people's person…