Insisting Jokes

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**....

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."

My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman

An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.
After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.
'I give up'
The Englishman smiles and walks off.
[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]

The Super Bowl

Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."

An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.

Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**...

But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

I asked out a Russian girl.....

I asked out a Russian girl, not with anything very serious in mind. She said yes.
However, on our first date, she insisted that we went to see a Russian movie, and then eat at a Russian restaurant. She then took me to see her Russian family, and told me about how she was going to take me to see the rest of her family in Russia.
At this point, I had to stop her. "Please", I said, "just stop Russian things!"

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to." the little boy replied.
"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says
thanks if there's anything you ever need let me know
The dolphin replies
you're welcome
Then the Whale says g**.......why would you want that?

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

My French girlfriend is aggressively insisting we adopt a kitten

She stormed into my room and said "I think it's time you and I had a little chat"

On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.

"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."
"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"
He replies, "No, I really can't - You're a size 17 and she wears a size 10."

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.
"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?
"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".
"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.
"It is very important that I do not eat from the same piece of cheese as the rest of court.", said the Queen.
"Oh I see how it is", exclaimed the chef. "It's one roule for you, and another for everyone else".

Blowing up a Balloon.

My niece had a p**... baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And despite her chronic breathing issues, that little girl was able to blow up a balloon faster than the entire United States Air Force.

The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.

...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.

My therapist just diagnosed me as a people's person…

..but he insists it's called multiple personality disorder.

Russell Brand has joked about begging for threesomes and having an orgy with his fans before riding out on a river of sperm. After this he joked about that he will have to work through them on a one-to-one basis, before insisting to women in the crowd he was not unobtainable.