insist Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious insist stories

What are the best Insist puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Insist? Well here is a complete list of Insist to have fun with:

Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.


Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.


Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term


A fisherman comes home to his wife

A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate.

After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to."

The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"


Best jokes come from real life. This happened this morning.

The toilet is clogged. My wife and I both insist we've only gone #1.

One of us is full of crap and the other one is full of crap.


Rihanna's take on the meteor

A massive meteor has hit Russia injuring hundreds, Rihanna insist that the meteor has changed and deserves a second chance.


Twilight's like soccer

Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.


Guy runs a red light

A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and stops. His passenger asks what he's doing now and the driver says "Well, my brother might be coming the other way!"

-George Carlin, I don't remember what standup special.


Sophie walks into the church wearing a very low cut blouse.

The parish priest went up to her " you must not enter the house of God unless properly dressed"
" Oh, but I have a divine right"
"You also have a divine left" sighed the clergyman,"but I still have to insist that you should cover up"


Birthday Gift for Husband

Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"

Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."


The compliment seeking wife...

Harry, whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. What should I do?! I'm not ready for old age! I'm only 40 years old but I look and feel like I'm over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out. Well, said Harry after looking her up and down, There is one thing about you that still works as good as new. Oh Harry! said Mary sitting down next to her husband, you always know just what to say! What are you referring to? Never mind said Harry looking down. C'mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to. Mary, please don't make me. Harry I insist. Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!


My mom and dad insist that i pay them for letting me stay in their basement

I guess thats why they're called PAYRENTS


The Longest Journey to the Worst Pun Ever Written

Two farmers were talking over the fence about the trouble they had with their horses.

The first one says, "I've got this prize horse but I can't take him to any shows. For some reason sparrows insist on building nests in his mane. I've tried everything but they keep doing it and he looks terrible all the time."

The second says,"That's an easy fix: go get a ten pound bag of brewer's yeast. Sprinkle it all over him and they'll never come back again."

The first farmer is skeptical but decides to try it anyway.

A week later they're back talking over the fence again.

The first one says, "I did what you said to do about the sparrows and it worked like a charm. How did you know that would work?"

"Easy," , says the second farmer, "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."


Why do melons insist on having big weddings?

Because they just cantaloupe.


Why did the Italian man insist on eating spaghetti with the local Bible college?

It was his favorite pastor source.


[NEWS] Drug company issuing recall under FDA pressure after several women claim drug made them convert to Catholicism

The makers of the drug continue to insist that it's non habit-forming.


You say "two plus two equals four"

But they show you the edict: as of yesterday, it's five. You insist: four. But now it's six. And those who said it was five are in prison. You yell: four. But they admitted past missteps and made it clear that if we all pull together, we can make it seven. And if we leverage, we can even get up to eight. You yell: four. But they look at you like you're mentally challenged - we considered him intelligent, but he's like a broken record: four, four, four. No imagination, no vision. Not like overseas!

Source: comedian Viktor Koklyushkin talking about living in Russia


A cat walks into a bar.

and orders a glass of milk. As a cat owner the bartender knows to ask him, are you going to knock it over, or are you going to drink it? The cat tells him he's going to drink it. So the bartender pours him a glass of a glass of milk, and sets it down on the bar. The cat immediately knocks it over and begins drinking it. The bartender is furious with the cat. "Why do you insist upon knocking the drink over and licking it off the bar?" The bartender screams. The cat stops drinking his milk, licks his mouth, looks at the bartender, and says, "I don't know, why do you insist upon putting my drinks in a cup?"


So this Persian woman is pregnant with twins

When the due date comes, nothing. She waits a week, nothing. The doctors induce and everything, but nothing. 70 or so years later she dies, and when they open her they find inside two old bearded men saying,

"You first!"

"No I insist, you first!"


That's the word I was looking for! (Possibly NSFW)

A man walks into a doctors office and says to the doctor "I want you to castrate me"

The doctor says "NO! I will never do such a thing"

Man: "What if I give you $1000 in cash?"

Doctor: "No"

Man: "What about $5000?"

Doctor: "Well... if you insist"

And so, the doctor puts the man under anesthesia to perform the castration

When the man regains consciousness, the doctor tells him

"The castration was a success. And, since you paid me so much, I decided to give you a circumcision as well"

The man slaps himself on the forehead and says

"CIRCUMCISION! That's the word I was looking for!"


I keep ringing Screwfix...

.. To this day they still insist they're not a matchmaking agency!


How do white blood cells rid the body of pathogens?

By protesting that the pathogens are "unacceptable" and demanding to speak to the body's manager to insist he throw the pathogens out or get a bad review on Yelp


Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and he drove. Meanwhile the police were given strict orders to ticket anyone speeding no matter how important. So they were speeding down Moscow and two motorcycle cops pulled them over but didn't ticket him after he saw who it was. He goes back to the station and talks about it and was asked, "Why didn't you ticket him? "Too important." "Who was it?" "I didn't recognize him, but his driver was Gorbachev!"


Top 12 reasons to hate women

12. They are sluts
11. They like dick
10. They are not people
9. They insist that they are people
8. They believe that they are entitled to equal rights (seriously lol)
7. They are primitive
6. They slow down the progress of mankind
5. They are an invasive species
4. They like make fuck fuck
3. They have huge asses
2. They have huge breasts
1. They poop


What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?

The toilet doesn't insist on cuddling after you drop your load in it.



You've read some of the best insist jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty insist gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these insist jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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