Insist Jokes

What are some Insist jokes?

Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms

The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

How can you tell you're playing poker with a feminist?

They'll insist that Kings and Queens have equal value.

Why do vegan insist on telling you they are vegan?

They can't bite their tongues.

Rihanna's take on the meteor

A massive meteor has hit Russia injuring hundreds, Rihanna insist that the meteor has changed and deserves a second chance.

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

That's the word I was looking for! (Possibly NSFW)

A man walks into a doctors office and says to the doctor "I want you to castrate me"

The doctor says "NO! I will never do such a thing"

Man: "What if I give you $1000 in cash?"

Doctor: "No"

Man: "What about $5000?"

Doctor: "Well... if you insist"

And so, the doctor puts the man under anesthesia to perform the castration



When the man regains consciousness, the doctor tells him

"The castration was a success. And, since you paid me so much, I decided to give you a circumcision as well"

The man slaps himself on the forehead and says

"CIRCUMCISION! That's the word I was looking for!"

A fisherman comes home to his wife

A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate.

After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to."

The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"

Twilight's like soccer

Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.

Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

Guy runs a red light

A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and stops. His passenger asks what he's doing now and the driver says "Well, my brother might be coming the other way!"

-George Carlin, I don't remember what standup special.

I always insist on banging my girlfriend from behind.

That way I don't have to see the look of disappointment on her face.

How do you know your S&M partner works in IT?

They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.

Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans insist on carrying a baby to full term, even if it was a drastic accident.

Uniform colors

A British Officer is captured during the French-English wars. During a lull in the questioning, the French Officer asks:
"You know? I've always wondered why it is, that you English insist upon wearing these ridiculous, red costumes?"
The British Officer, immediately stiffens up and replies:
"Sir! I will have you know that British Officers wear Red uniforms, as to not instill fear in the men, in the event that one is shot, or otherwise wounded."
From that day forwards French Officers were known to have worn brown pants

Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and he drove. Meanwhile the police were given strict orders to ticket anyone speeding no matter how important. So they were speeding down Moscow and two motorcycle cops pulled them over but didn't ticket him after he saw who it was. He goes back to the station and talks about it and was asked, "Why didn't you ticket him? "Too important." "Who was it?" "I didn't recognize him, but his driver was Gorbachev!"

Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some

Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.


_______________

I stole this joke.

Why did the Japanese parents insist of having a daughter?

Because they didn't want another Little Boy.

A drunk staggered up to the ho

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Birthday Gift for Husband

Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"

Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."

Sophie walks into the church wearing a very low cut blouse.

The parish priest went up to her " you must not enter the house of God unless properly dressed"
" Oh, but I have a divine right"
"You also have a divine left" sighed the clergyman,"but I still have to insist that you should cover up"

The true meaning of "bro code"

If a suspicious husband calls ten of his wife's friends about her last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell him she wasn't there, and one will say she was.

If a suspicious wife calls ten of her husband's friends about his last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell her he was with them, and one will insist that she only just missed him.

The compliment seeking wife...

Harry, whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. What should I do?! I'm not ready for old age! I'm only 40 years old but I look and feel like I'm over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out. Well, said Harry after looking her up and down, There is one thing about you that still works as good as new. Oh Harry! said Mary sitting down next to her husband, you always know just what to say! What are you referring to? Never mind said Harry looking down. C'mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to. Mary, please don't make me. Harry I insist. Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!

My mom and dad insist that i pay them for letting me stay in their basement

I guess thats why they're called PAYRENTS

Never go to a party where a scientist is doing the cooking.

If they're a physicist, everything will come out underdone because they'll have assumed a closed energy system.

If they're a biologist, you'll never actually get to eat anything because they'll insist on first feeding it to the cat, waiting a year, feeding it to your neighbour, and then waiting another year.

And if they're a chemist, they'll follow the recipe perfectly, but insist on doing everything ten times to avoid random error.

I was talking to a painter once

I asked him why did he insist on old styles, he told me that old habits dye hard

Why do 19th century western women insist on staying in the kitchen?

It's easier to control the arsenic.

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

My laundromat is Racist

The insist i separate my whites from my colours.

I have been struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide but my friends have been very supportive...

they insist that I go through with it.

The Longest Journey to the Worst Pun Ever Written

Two farmers were talking over the fence about the trouble they had with their horses.

The first one says, "I've got this prize horse but I can't take him to any shows. For some reason sparrows insist on building nests in his mane. I've tried everything but they keep doing it and he looks terrible all the time."

The second says,"That's an easy fix: go get a ten pound bag of brewer's yeast. Sprinkle it all over him and they'll never come back again."

The first farmer is skeptical but decides to try it anyway.

A week later they're back talking over the fence again.

The first one says, "I did what you said to do about the sparrows and it worked like a charm. How did you know that would work?"

"Easy," , says the second farmer, "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."

Why did the Italian man insist on eating spaghetti with the local Bible college?

It was his favorite pastor source.

I used to be afraid of flying in planes

But nowadays I insist on one.

Why do tech-savvy Mexicans and Filipinos insist on using Firefox?

They had a terrible experience with Internet *Explorers*.

I have a good circle of friends, but for some reason…

…the police insist on calling them a ring...

You say "two plus two equals four"

But they show you the edict: as of yesterday, it's five. You insist: four. But now it's six. And those who said it was five are in prison. You yell: four. But they admitted past missteps and made it clear that if we all pull together, we can make it seven. And if we leverage, we can even get up to eight. You yell: four. But they look at you like you're mentally challenged - we considered him intelligent, but he's like a broken record: four, four, four. No imagination, no vision. Not like overseas!

Source: comedian Viktor Koklyushkin talking about living in Russia

[NEWS] Drug company issuing recall under FDA pressure after several women claim drug made them convert to Catholicism

The makers of the drug continue to insist that it's non habit-forming.

A cat walks into a bar.

and orders a glass of milk. As a cat owner the bartender knows to ask him, are you going to knock it over, or are you going to drink it? The cat tells him he's going to drink it. So the bartender pours him a glass of a glass of milk, and sets it down on the bar. The cat immediately knocks it over and begins drinking it. The bartender is furious with the cat. "Why do you insist upon knocking the drink over and licking it off the bar?" The bartender screams. The cat stops drinking his milk, licks his mouth, looks at the bartender, and says, "I don't know, why do you insist upon putting my drinks in a cup?"

How to make Insist jokes?

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