Insane Jokes

Did you hear about that mad cow disease?

A cow to another: "Did you hear about that mad cow disease? Makes cows go completely insane!" The other cow: "Good thing I'm a helicopter!"

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.
He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Asylum

A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."

An elderly woman is watching the local news

An elderly woman is watching the local news and hears about a madman driving the wrong direction on the highway that her husband takes home. Worrying, she calls her husband and tells him about the insane driver. The man replies, it's worse than you think! It's not just 1, there's hundreds of them!

My Crazy Uncle

My uncle is actually insane. He sits in the corner of the room, fidgeting and blabbering nonsense to himself all the time. My family says it all started went he "went off the deep end" 25 years ago.
Personally, I think it started much earlier…when they forgot to put water in the pool.

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.

How does an insane man get through the forest?

By taking the psychopath.
hhhhehehhehe good one right? yeh? no..? ok.

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"

A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..

When he hears a loud chanting.
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, something jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

What happened to the man who sent a group of crows to the insane asylum?

He went to jail because he commit a m**....

What's the difference between l**... and l**...?

One is mind-bendingly insane, and the other is a drug.

Did you hear about the blind guy that went crazy?

He lost his vision in an accident, and shortly after he went insane.
But you know what they say...
"Out of sight, out of mind."

These 20 Insane Mugshots Will Give You Nightmares For Weeks | part.rocks

A psychiatrist is checking on his patients

He enters the room full of his insane patients, he finds them all jumping together and saying "yay we're popcorn!!"
He finds one patient sitting on the ground by himself. "You seem sane." He says to the patient.
The patient replies "No, i sticked to the p**..."

A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...

He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"

Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

What do you call an insane bear?

A bi-polar bear

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has s**... with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:
"Nut screws washers and bolts."

What do you call an insane nocturnal blood-s**... parasite?

A lunartick.

My air fresheners for insane people got turned down...

They said there wasn't any cents in making scents for people who don't make sense

A man walks by an insane asylum...

An man walks by an insane asylum and hears the inmates gleefully shouting "21! 21! 21" As he gets closer he sees a hole in the brick wall which he approaches so he can peek in and see what's going on. The inmates poke a stick through the hole, poking him in the eye, and yell "22! 22! 22!"

I saw a sausage fly by my window

I must be going insane it was actually a bird.
I think I've taken a Tern for the Wurst

Insane Asylum

A man was walking down the street next to the Insane Aslyum.
As he was walking he heard voices over the wall chanting 21. Curiosity took over and he found a hole in the wall and looked through it.
When he looked all the sudden a stick poked him in the eye and the people behind the wall started chanting 22.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

New frightening study released statistic that as much as 25% of Women are diagnosed clinically insane

Especially frightening because that means there is 75% walking around undiagnosed

i think ive gone insane. i cut off my nose.

nothing makes scents anymore.

A joke from Korea

"Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.
Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

The local barber was arrested for selling drugs

I think it's completely insane! I've been his customer for years and I had no clue he was a barber.

Disappointed that there will be no Call of Cthulhu client for Linux

I wanted to go insane installing *and* playing the game.

A judge was arrested after ordering a group of crows confined to an insane asylum. What for?

Committing a m**....

A wife asks her husband, "what would he do if she died"?

Husband: "I would go insane!"
Wife: "Would you remarry?"
Husband: "I don't know. You can't predict what an insane person would do."

So my friend told me he needed some help to recognize speech...

I was furious and said, "Are you insane? Why would you wreck it? Don't you like beaches?"

A Jewish boy got a new German girlfriend

One night, after insane and wild s**..., she goes into the shower, and whisper seductively "come join me in the shower, babe".
He frowns "Oh I wont fall for that one again".

I like how when people in the Bible, like Noah, hear voices, it's "God speaking to them"

But when I hear voices I'm "Clinically insane"

I bought a dog once.

Named him "Stay". "Come here, Stay." He's insane now.

Drivers on the highway are insane, they keep passing me left and right...

... no matter how hard I try to prevent them.

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

I put makeup on a rabid marsupial

And called him Insane Clown Opossum

Insane people on rollerblades are a threat

They are always on an unstable platform.

My girlfriend thinks I'm insane and wants me to see a psychiatrist. She's threatening to leave me if I don't because I can't stop singing Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy?

Albert Einstein told me I was insane one time.

He told me that I kept coming back here expecting to see a new and original joke every time, even though it wasn't possible.

People say I'm insane

But four out of five voices in my head disagree

Swimmer's mental problems

An Egyptian swimmer and a French swimmer were recently taken to a mental hospital.
One was in denial and the other was insane.

How many times does an insane person have to tell a joke before someone understands it?

Square, because the pizza already has jellybeans.

Ever have s**... with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?

For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, s**..., bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"

Wrong direction

A guy gets home and his wife tells him "Be careful, there is an insane person in the neighborhood who is driving in the wrong direction".
The guy replies "Only one? There are many!"

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

The pessimist doesn't se the the light at the end of the tunnel, the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the realist sees the train in the tunnel...

... and the the train driver sees the three insane people on rails.

What kind of shoes do Insane Clown Posse fans wear to work?

Juggaloafers...

My wife says that I'm too competitive and its driving her insane

I told her I already knew that

What do you call a crazy song chorus about Chinese food?

An Insane lo main refrain

I know an insane fact about cheese.

You won't brie-lieve it.

Why do squirrels always act like they are insane?

They want to be sent to the nuthouse.

I went to the doctor because I've had the p**... Stars theme stuck in my head for two weeks

He said he'd have to call in a buddy of his who was an expert on those sorts of things
(But seriously please help me I'm going insane)

pp joke

once there was this dude who came and went insane right after. total nut job

how do you tell the difference between a psychiatrist and an evil mad scientist?

you can't! you're clinically insane!

A man is walking besides the insane asylum

When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting
FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...
He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what's going on.
Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting
SIX, SIX, SIX...

A woman's dog falls into a river

She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."

Why did the Spanish train driver c**... into an insane asylum?

Nobody is sure, but the doctors said they saw a loco motive

I was on a trip to Dubai, and in my stay, I met a rich man

Over time, we actually became friends, and he told me about this shoes company he owns.
He said:
Each pair of shoes we manufacture costs us about 2$, and we manage to sell them for 250$
What?! this is insane, why is it so expensive, ? I asked
Well I actually tried to make them cheaper for 25$ each

Then what happend?
People stopped buying them