Insane Jokes

Asylum

A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."

My Crazy Uncle

My uncle is actually insane. He sits in the corner of the room, fidgeting and blabbering nonsense to himself all the time. My family says it all started went he "went off the deep end" 25 years ago.
Personally, I think it started much earlier…when they forgot to put water in the pool.

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"

Did you hear about the blind guy that went crazy?

He lost his vision in an accident, and shortly after he went insane.
But you know what they say...
"Out of sight, out of mind."

I invented a fictional TV show half to entertain myself, and half because I think I might be insane.

These 20 Insane Mugshots Will Give You Nightmares For Weeks | part.rocks

A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...

He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"

Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

What do you call an insane bear?

A bi-polar bear

My air fresheners for insane people got turned down...

They said there wasn't any cents in making scents for people who don't make sense

Insane Asylum

A man was walking down the street next to the Insane Aslyum.
As he was walking he heard voices over the wall chanting 21. Curiosity took over and he found a hole in the wall and looked through it.
When he looked all the sudden a stick poked him in the eye and the people behind the wall started chanting 22.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

New frightening study released statistic that as much as 25% of Women are diagnosed clinically insane

Especially frightening because that means there is 75% walking around undiagnosed

What is the program for pranking insane people called?

Pantaloon

A joke from Korea

"Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.
Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

Disappointed that there will be no Call of Cthulhu client for Linux

I wanted to go insane installing *and* playing the game.

I have Yogg-Saron as a psychiatrist....

I don't think he's good, whenever I walk in to his room, I feel like I'm getting more insane by the minute.

A wife asks her husband, "what would he do if she died"?

Husband: "I would go insane!"
Wife: "Would you remarry?"
Husband: "I don't know. You can't predict what an insane person would do."

Why was the thief who tried to rob a Zimbabwean bank acquitted?

He was shown to be criminally insane.

So my friend told me he needed some help to recognize speech...

I was furious and said, "Are you insane? Why would you wreck it? Don't you like beaches?"

To drive people insane,

first, do not finish what you are saying,

I like how when people in the Bible, like Noah, hear voices, it's "God speaking to them"

But when I hear voices I'm "Clinically insane"

It's insane that car companies, especially Ford, pay hundreds of millions to try to stay ahead of the game

I guess they can't a Ford to lose out

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

When cops arrest a clinically insane person…

I put makeup on a rabid marsupial

And called him Insane Clown Opossum

What's the worst part about being insane with low self esteem?

Not believing in yourself is blasphemy

My girlfriend thinks I'm insane and wants me to see a psychiatrist. She's threatening to leave me if I don't because I can't stop singing Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy?

Albert Einstein told me I was insane one time.

He told me that I kept coming back here expecting to see a new and original joke every time, even though it wasn't possible.

Swimmer's mental problems

An Egyptian swimmer and a French swimmer were recently taken to a mental hospital.
One was in denial and the other was insane.

Wrong direction

A guy gets home and his wife tells him "Be careful, there is an insane person in the neighborhood who is driving in the wrong direction".
The guy replies "Only one? There are many!"

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

The pessimist doesn't se the the light at the end of the tunnel, the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the realist sees the train in the tunnel...

... and the the train driver sees the three insane people on rails.

What do you call a runner in a straight jacket?

Insane Bolt

What kind of shoes do Insane Clown Posse fans wear to work?

Juggaloafers...

If England wins the World Cup for the first time ever, pubs will be totally INSANE in England!

and close at 11pm instead of 10:30pm on Sunday!

My wife says that I'm too competitive and its driving her insane

I told her I already knew that

What do you call a crazy song chorus about Chinese food?

An Insane lo main refrain

An insanely desperate and lonely woman passes a note to a handsome young man,

Now that you have my number, if you want to get married just give me a ring!

I, for one, would like to congratulate Teresa May on her handling of Brexit. She took on a job we all said no sane human could pull off, and showed us that no insane human could pull it off either.

This is insane, schools don't even teach our kids that Pluto is planet anymore!

Seriously, how'd it turn from a planet into some freaking dog?!

I know an insane fact about cheese.

You won't brie-lieve it.

What do you call the life purpose of an insane train engineer?

His locomotive

how do you tell the difference between a psychiatrist and an evil mad scientist?

you can't! you're clinically insane!

A woman's dog falls into a river

She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."