Insane Asylum Jokes
63 insane asylum jokes and hilarious insane asylum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about insane asylum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Insane Asylum Short Jokes
Short insane asylum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The insane asylum humour may include short lunatic asylum jokes also.
- A man in an insane asylum yells "I am napolean!" the doctor asks him how he knows this, and he says "god told me" then an inmate from another room yells "I did NOT!"
- Why did the insane asylum stop accepting homosexual patients? They only had straight jackets.
- What's the difference between a church and an insane asylum? A church is where you go to talk to god.
An asylum is where you go if he replies. - They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening. But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum.
- What did my father say as we took him to the insane asylum? I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed
- Did you hear about the soup chef that was admitted to the insane asylum? He went stir crazy.
- What did they say about the man who sent the office chair to the insane asylum? He committed deceit
- Man escapes from insane asylum, and has s**... with a girl in a laundry mat. The newspaper the next day reads:
"Nut screws washers and bolts." - Why did the Spanish train driver c**... into an insane asylum? Nobody is sure, but the doctors said they saw a loco motive
- What happened to the man who sent a group of crows to the insane asylum? He went to jail because he commit a m**....
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Insane Asylum One Liners
Which insane asylum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with insane asylum? I can suggest the ones about asylum and mental asylum.
- What do you call the trail to the insane asylum? A psychopath
- What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common? They both bust nuts
- Why are trains always put in insane asylums? Because they have loco-motives
- Assorted nuts... ...was the name of the insane asylum.
- What do you call a white person in an insane asylum? A Nutcracker
- An employee at the insane asylum caught a patient trying to escape... ...He busted a nut.
- Turns out the Joker has a criminally-insane dog. He's locked up in Barkham Asylum.
- I used to work as a waiter at an insane asylum... Serving soup to nuts.
- Why did the vampire get sent to the insane asylum? For being batty.
- Why was the squirrel admitted into the insane asylum? Cause he was nuts.
- What do you call a unsegregated insane asylum? Mixed nuts.
- So my friend with benefits got sent to an insane asylum... She always was a nutcase.
Gather Around for Fun Insane Asylum Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about insane asylum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean insanity jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make insane asylum pranks.
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived.
Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'peanuts'".
Two guys in a insane asylum...
There are two guys in an insane asylum,one is name John and the other is name Matt. John was going for a swim in the pool and begins to drown and Matt jumps in to save him. Matt gets John out of the water and the orderlies take John back to his room. Later that day the head nurse comes up to Matt and says "that for doing a sane act you have proven that you are a fully functioning human being and you are free to go. But I hate to inform you that your friend John committed s**...". Matt says "oh my god he killed himself he seemed fine when I last saw him". "When's the last time you saw him"? I went to his room and he was still wet so I hung him out to dry.
The owner of an insane asylum has a problem.
The asylum is getting too overcrowded. He has a talk with one of his employees about how he can eliminate the overcrowding of the building. The employee suggests that he asks all the patients a simple question and if they can answer correctly, they can leave. Hopefully, enough patients will answer correctly so the building isn't as cramped. The question is this:
The employee and the owner will ask the patients what they see when a brick is held in front of them.
The first patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A car." says the patient.
Unfortunately, he has to stay and get treated.
Another patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A tree." says the patient.
Unfortunately, this patient also has to stay and get treated.
A third patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"Duh, it's a brick." says the patient.
The owner exclaims, "Excellent! You've passed our test. You are free to go. And here, why don't you take the brick with you as a souvenir?"
"Cool! Thanks!" said the third patient.
As the patient walks from the asylum he looks over his shoulder to check if anyone is there. When he sees no one is there, he looks down at his brick and pets it.
"We did it, Fluffy..."
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.
He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Asylum
A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."
It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...
It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."
They were singing it beautifully.
But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor.
"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor...
"They're the m**... Tapanapple Choir."
A man is walking on a sidewalk past...
An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..
When he hears a loud chanting.
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, something jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Insane asylum
on his short walk from work to home Jared has to pass by a mental institution. Although it is completely blocked off by a brickwall he sometimes hears the patients enjoying their time outside.
One day while passing the asylum Jared heare a slow steady chant from the inmates.
"Four.. four.. four..four..four..four.."
Both suprise and curious Jared starts searching the brick wall for a crack so he can see why they are chanting when by luck he finds a decent sized hole in the wall.
He bends down, closes one eye, leans forward to peer inside, and a finger comes out and pokes him right in his eye!
He falls back in suprise and pain and the inmates start chanting "Five..five..five..five".
A guy walks by an insane asylum...
A guy is walking next to the fence of an insane asylum. The wall was very tall and made of wood. As he walks by, he hears inside the fence "11, 11, 11!" Wondering what it is, he notices a small hole on the fence. He presses his eye on it. Then POKE! Someone pokes his eye. Then he hears "12, 12, 12,!" And he walks away.
"61...61...61..."
A man was walking by a tall wall surrounding a hospital, what he thought was an insane asylum. He heard low voices moaning and groaning and saying, "61...61...61..." over and over again. It was odd and unsettling. It was a bit creepy. And he wondered what the heck was going on behind those walls. His pace slowed as the voices got a little louder and more organized...
"61! 61! 61!"
He noticed a small beam of light coming out of a small hole about waist high. It was his chance to see what was happening.
As he bent over and peered into the hole, a stick poked through it and jabbed him right in the eye.
"OUCH!" he shouted, as he fell back on his behind.
The voices then happily started shouting, "62! 62! 62!"
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
a man was late for a business meeting
so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.
It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum where there were patients out on the grounds behind a chain link fence. one of the patients saw the commotion and came to the fence and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had lost his lugnuts and couldn't mount the spare.
"just take one lugnut off of each of the other three tires. that will at least get you where you need to go, then you can get replacement nuts later." the patient suggested.
"that's actually really brilliant. thank you" the man said.
"yeah, well I'm in here because I'm crazy, not s**..."
Inmates Running the Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
A man walks by an insane asylum...
An man walks by an insane asylum and hears the inmates gleefully shouting "21! 21! 21" As he gets closer he sees a hole in the brick wall which he approaches so he can peek in and see what's going on. The inmates poke a stick through the hole, poking him in the eye, and yell "22! 22! 22!"
Insane Asylum
A man was walking down the street next to the Insane Aslyum.
As he was walking he heard voices over the wall chanting 21. Curiosity took over and he found a hole in the wall and looked through it.
When he looked all the sudden a stick poked him in the eye and the people behind the wall started chanting 22.
The Killing Joke
There were two guys locked up in an insane asylum together. One night, they decide that they hate it there, and they want to escape. So, they make it onto the roof top, and just across a narrow gap, they see rooftops of the town, stretching into moonlight, into freedom.
The first guy jumps across right away, without a problem. But the second guy didn't, because he was afraid of falling. So the first guy says "Hey, I have this flashlight with me! I'll shine it between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"
But then the second guy says "What, do you think I'm f**...' crazy? You'd just turn the light off when I'm halfway across."
A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum
He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.
It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.
The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite from one another. Should last till you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart....uh, what are doing there ?" The patient replies "I'm here for being crazy, not being dumb."
A judge was arrested after ordering a group of crows confined to an insane asylum. What for?
Committing a m**....
Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum
,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"
I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.
Someone told me that's called 'college'.
Two people are in an insane asylum.
There are two people in an insane asylum. One day they decide they are going to try and escape. They both go on the the roof and see the city. Over there is freedom one of them says. One of them jumps over to another rooftop and tells the other one to jump over too, but he refuses because he is scared. The one that jumped has a flashlight and says I'll shine it across and you can walk over here. The other one says What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across .
A man is walking besides the insane asylum
When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting
FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...
He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what's going on.
Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting
SIX, SIX, SIX...
Two guys are attempting an escape from an insane asylum
Eventually they escape the main building but there are walls around the encampment so they get to a roof to get over the wall, they look at the gap between the roof and the wall and decide it's too dangerous. the first guy says,
Alright, we can't jump across so I'll just shine my flashlight over to the other side and you can walk across the light
The second guy looks at the first guy baffled by what he just said, he replies
What?? Do you think I'm s**... or something?… You'll just turn the flashlight off when I'm halfway!
I was walking by an insane asylum
I was walking by an insane asylum the other day and as I passed, I heard some patients that were out in the yard from other side of the wooden fence saying "16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16..." They kept saying it over and over. Curiosity got the best of me, so I found a small hole in the fence and peered through it to see what was going on. I felt a sharp jab and fell over backwards, clutching my eye and screaming in angony. As I lay there, the patients started saying "17, 17, 17, 17, 17, 17..."
Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.
The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"
Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."
"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.
And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."
