Innocent Jokes
103 innocent jokes and hilarious innocent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about innocent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh! This article presents a selection of innocent jokes, perfect for flirting, April Fool's Day pranks, light-hearted family fun and more. Learn why guilty pleasures and felonious felines don't have to be necessary for a good laugh, and find out which innocent smoothie can help you honour your inner jokester.
Quick Jump To
- Short Innocent Jokes
- Innocent One Liners
- Proved Innocent Jokes
- Innocent Flirty Jokes
- Innocent Kid Jokes
- More Innocent Jokes
Funniest Innocent Short Jokes
Short innocent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The innocent humour may include short naive jokes also.
- A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man." - "Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat... And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
- Your honor, I have one last thing to say: If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.
- Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.
- Just an innocent question Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Brad Pitt's is short, Madonna does not have one, and the Pope doesn't use it.
What is it?
>!A last name.!< - A cannibal in a courtroom Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.
"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man." - My girlfriend is just like Bambi She's cute, sweet, innocent, and I want to shoot her mother
- How does a cannibal defend himself in court? He says: If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.
- Saudi TV Mistake Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.
- Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic? He was fired for Glacial Profiling.
Share These Innocent Jokes With Friends
Innocent One Liners
Which innocent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with innocent? I can suggest the ones about guilty and unsuspecting.
- Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.
- the cannibal said in his trial - If I am what I eat..." "Then I'm an innocent man"
- Girls are so amazing. They can forgive you. Even if you're innocent.
- " Your honor, if you are what you eat then My client is an innocent man".
- But your Honor, if you are what you eat Then i really am an innocent child
- An innocent man was killed by a vampire hunter. It was a terrible mistake.
- If you are what you eat then I am an innocent man
- Why did the picture plead innocent at the trial? It was framed.
- How do you know a painting's innocent? Cause it was framed.
- Who is the most innocent president? Lincoln, as he was in a cent.
- What did the smoothie say to the policeman? Don't arrest me, I'm Innocent
- If you are what you eat... Then i really am an innocent little girl.
- Your Honor, here's a penny with Abraham Lincoln's face on it. This shows I'm in-no-cent.
- A man with electric superpowers beat up an innocent woman... He was charged with battery
- What do you call an innocent girl that pities the fool? Virgini-T
Proved Innocent Jokes
Here is a list of funny proved innocent jokes and even better proved innocent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm creating a tv show where a man who lives with dead people is proved innocent of a crime Its called Morgue and Freeman
Innocent Flirty Jokes
Here is a list of funny innocent flirty jokes and even better innocent flirty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- S.I.N.G.L.E...s**...! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!
Innocent Kid Jokes
Here is a list of funny innocent kid jokes and even better innocent kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Innocence is Bliss Kid in an English class : Me sleep with Dad last night.
Teacher (correcting) : No dear, I slept with Dad last night.
Kid : U might have come after I slept
Teacher : Get out!
Uproarious Innocent Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about innocent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean harmless jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make innocent pranks.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
What's the difference between a turkey and Turkey?
A turkey wouldn't commit genocide against innocent people
In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
What is the difference between a prison guard and a member of Congress
One interacts with felons, half of which are probably innocent of crimes, and the other works on Capitol Hill.
A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...
A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?
1. Acquitted
2. Fired, retired or expired
A very innocent question
Son: Dad, I got punished in school today
Dad: Why?
Son: My teacher pointed the scale at me and said "At the end of the scale there is an idiot"....
I just asked "Which End?"
:o
How are children born?
Little peter and little Johnny asked their grandma,"How children are born Granny?".
"The Stark brings them in his beak my children", said Grandma.
Little Peter and little Johnny looked at each other and Little Jonny said ,"What do you think Peter, Shall we tell her?"
"No No" said Peter,"Leave her in her innocence"
Remember when oj simpson was found innocent and all of us white people hit the street looting and damaging property?!
Oh, that's right, we didn't...
A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.
The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"
The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."
The judge has a puzzled look on his face.
Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."
Tourist in America
I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i've only got 6 months...plus community service.
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
A group of crows killed an innocent person
It really was a m**... scene
Michael Jackson was just so innocent and childlike...
After a show he'd go home and just blow bubbles...
I read a story about a Florida man named Arti that was paid a buck to strangle 2 innocent people in a Safeway parking lot...
Oddly enough, the headline was "Artichokes 2 for $1 at Safeway"
I long for the innocence of youth, back when I was happy just playing with a slinky all day
Things are so different now.
It's like, 3...4 hours tops and I'm bored with the thing.
As my two-and-a-half-year old granddaughter and I are about to go out the door, I look down.
As I looked down, our 'big girl' had her shoes on backwards. So I said, "Good job putting your shoes on by yourself, Love, but you have them on the wrong feet."
She looks down.
She looks back up at me and says with big innocent eyes, "But Grammy, I don't have any other feet?!" ♡♡
Local Hero saves lady from Dog
A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report: "Local Hero saves lady from Dog"
Man says I'm not American
Report changed: "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"
Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News: "t**... killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"
*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*
Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"
TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime
Because he's innocent.
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
Emergency broadcast alert.
Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.
Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.
Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..
Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action
A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...
A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here".
The boy innocently replies, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle".
I finally watched that movie about the Psycho clown that destroyed the lives of innocent children.
Halfway into it I realised it was just a string of old McDonald's Ads.
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it
Criss Angel arrested for m**......
His lawyer asks "When and where did the m**... take place?"
Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."
Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."
Detective "How's that?"
Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."
Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.
The 7 qualities to be the perfect girlfriend are..
Beautiful
Intelligent
Gentle
Thoughtful
Innocent
Trustworthy
Sensible.
Lady of my dreams
The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".
What are some good non-dirty jokes for a bride at her bridal party, please (she's a sweet, innocent person)?
Thanks in advance!
I had a court date this month. I screamed about my innocence and begged them for mercy.
I did not get picked for jury duty.
The world has just gotten way too politically correct
You can't even say something as completely innocent as "black paint", for example. Now you have to say something like, "Tyrone, please paint my fence."
A small boy parks his bike near the senate and walks on...
.. A policeman stops him and asks: 'Why did you park your bike here? Don't you know about this road? Many important politicians, cabinet members, even the President and other such politicians pass through here..'
The boy replied innocently: Don't worry, I have locked my bike.'
A suspected cannibal stood in front of a judge and was asked to give his final statement, to which he replied:
"If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man".
Psalm 26:6
"I wash my hands in innocence"
"Would you please stop f**... my daughter?"
They say you are what you eat.
But when I kill and eat and innocent man, I am guilty of m**... and cannibalism?
A cannibal is on trial for m**... and cannibalism...
He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"
Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong
They're much better roasted.
I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having s**... with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...
I can teach him about these for free.
Rudy Giuliani is such a bad defense attorney that.....
He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted.
Or you could say,
He would have gotten Brock Turner jail time.
I just got kicked out of an anti-vaxxer group for telling them "they are all doing god's work....
And by god's work I mean giving diseases to innocent babies"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The fascinating story of an innocent chicken trying to escape the farm
A man is on trial for m**....
The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.
The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on the apple peel and falls right on top of my knife."
The judge inquires: " And all this happened 16 times?"
That billionaire from New England is innocent.
He thought he was buying a h**....
A Man was on trial for cannibalism
Judge:How do you plead
Man:your honor if the phrase you are what you eat applies then I am an innocent man
Gender reveal party for babies is innocent...
But when I reveal my gender at a party, I'm suddenly a s**... offender
I suspect my daughter has been wetting the bed and keeping it a secret
She's innocent until ruined quilty
Last week I got a picture framed
Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent
Common English Mistakes
Common English Mistakes
-mixing up there, their, and they're
-using the wrong too, to, or two
-putting commas in the wrong place
-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches
-using apostrophes for plurals
Bless you son!!!
(Perhaps a repost, but I heard it for the first time. So here it goes)
A small boy talking to his mother while his dad sits nearby.
Boy: Mom, I want to marry 3 girls when I grow up.
Mom: 3 girls!! But why son?
Boy: One to cook food for me, one to do my laundry and one to clean my home.
Mom: Ohh ok... But which one will sleep with you?
Boy: (innocently) But of course you mom. I never want to sleep with anyone other that you.
Mom: Ohh bless you my son!!! You love mommy so much. But what will happen to the 3 wives of yours.
Boy: They can sleep with Dad.
Dad: Bless you son!!!
My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered
3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!
Me: Who's there?
3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!
Me: Fork who?
*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 year old's mouth*
3 yr old: Fork you Daddy!!!!! (delirious laughter)
(for those who aren't parents, imagine how someone who is learning to talk might pronounce "fork you"). My 3yr old lost their innocence in my eyes today. May as well pack them up and get them ready for college.
An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.
This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.
They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
"I understand." He says.
"Everyone in this room is fit except you. Do you think you are the lightest?" They ask.
He says, "Sir, I am closer to the lie test than any of you."
During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.
After all, you are what you eat.
What does YouTube and the US Police have in common?
They take people down before they're proven innocent.
An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.
As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any s**... clubs while you're in New York?"
The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"
When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **l**... BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY s**... CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**
Satan: So, what brings you to h**...?
Me: I'm innocent!
Satan: Just tell me, what did you do?
Me: I saw my friend fighting a pregnant woman, so I jumped in to make it 2v2.
a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…
The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, If you are what you eat, my client is in fact an innocent man
Innocence
Lawyer: Your Honor, my client was trapped in a penny, she could've never stolen anything.
Judge: What do you mean?
Lawyer: She's in a cent.
Innocent
Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it? He was acquitted.
