Inmate Jokes

78 inmate jokes and hilarious inmate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about inmate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Inmate Short Jokes

Short inmate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The inmate humour may include short prisoner jokes also.

  1. As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests. My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging
  2. An inmate went messing, and his cellmate, a cannibal, claimed he had eaten him The warden didn't believe him, so the cannibal finally threw up his hands out of frustration.
  3. how many corrections officers does it take to throw an inmate down the stairs? none he fell
  4. How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of stairs? None, he fell.
  5. I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay It's got prose and cons.
  6. A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon. All the inmates attend the service.
    The preacher opens with
    "It brings me joy to see you all here"
  7. A man in an insane asylum yells "I am napolean!" the doctor asks him how he knows this, and he says "god told me" then an inmate from another room yells "I did NOT!"
  8. I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled, "Pass me the ball, I'm free!"
  9. Inmates on death row should have prison ID's ending in .EXE Because, eventually, they are all executable.
  10. I've been thinking about starting a community outreach program to teach inmates about literature... I'm still considering all of the prose and cons.

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Inmate One Liners

Which inmate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with inmate? I can suggest the ones about prison officer and cellmate.

  1. How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs? None, he fell.
  2. Some inmates were complaining about the prison they're in The walls aren't built to scale
  3. I started a literacy program for inmates. There's been some prose and cons.
  4. What's it called when a deathrow inmate kills themselves? Self checkout.
  5. The only people who can beat Trump in 2020 are the guards and his fellow inmates
  6. Why do Australians call each other mate? They were all inmates
  7. What does a death row inmate get after their last meal? Their just desserts.
  8. I hate how sometimes I let my guard down and then all my inmates get away.
  9. Why do Australian's use the word mate? They got tired saying inmates.
  10. What did the warden say to the new prisoner ? Come in-mate.
  11. It's okay to drop the soap in prison.. .. your fellow inmates got your back.
  12. Fee Fie Foe Fum What is Fee Fie Foe Fum Fum Foe Fie Fee?
    Mike Tyson's inmate number.
  13. How did the inmates communicate to their families after visiting hours? Cell phones.
  14. Michael Flynn walks into a bar All the other inmates laugh.
  15. Some inmates claimed Blackbeard was best... but I don't believe in cons' piracy theories.

Inmate joke, Some inmates claimed Blackbeard was best...

Humorous Inmate Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

What funny jokes about inmate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jail cell jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make inmate pranks.

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

It is Fred's first day in prison.

After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

3 new inmates discussing their sentences

first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"

An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started r**... people.

The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.

A prison inmate walks into a bar.

Whats worse, being a vegan inmate or non vegan?

Or non vegan inmate*
Depends on whether you want to eat meat or toss salad.

Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Inmates screaming, throwing f**..., refusing to wear clothes. The sale of 4chan has not been well received by long-time visitors of the site.

Did you hear about the s**... inmate who stole an airplane and parachuted out?

He was a condescending con descending.

^^^I'll ^^^be ^^^here ^^^all ^^^week, ^^^try ^^^the ^^^veal.

How do you know when an Australian prisoner is r**... another prisoner?

When they're in an inmate mate

What do you call a prison inmate with a skin disease?

A l**...-Con

Epicurean One-Liner

The death row inmate eats burgers and fries.

Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

When trying to perform an inmate search in the Wizarding world, what online resource is helpful?


A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes

After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.

I take the bus to school

So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.

This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud c**.... I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

Did you know that every single female inmate that was executed on death row was menstruating on the day of her execution?

You ask why? Because you have to end every sentence with a period.

Do you know why Female inmate get executed the day of their m**... ?

because every sentence must end with a period.

How many deputies did it take to push the inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.
I work as a Detention Deputy, and that's one of my favorite jokes to tell the inmates.

You hear about the former inmate whos training to become a magician?

Hes really getting his act together...

Why do Australians greet each other with "mate"?

Because everyone used to be an inmate.
LOL - laughing at my own joke!

Did you hear about the book written by the inmate in the New York State Prison?

It got an early release for good behavior.

What did the inmate say to the governor after they accidentally bumped into each other?

Oh, pardon me.

A paralyzed man got a new set of legs from a death row inmate.

Don't worry, the other guy got the chair.

What do you call a defendant who won't testify at their own trial?

An inmate.

How did the prison guard react when the inmate arrived on the elevator?

Very condescending.

Prisoners are telling jokes

and because they heard all jokes a lot of times, they only say number of certain joke.
"Number 256" says first inmate as the rest of them laughs.
"Number 145" says second one as the rest bursts in laughs.
"Number 323" ,and while all laughs and and get ready to hear the next,one o**... is laughing a lot longer then rest.
Everyone is looking at him when someone ask him why he laughs so much.
He replies:"It's the first time i heard this one ".

A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."

What did the executioner say to the death row inmate who had their execution date expedited?

Boy have I got noose for you...

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

A man named Adam is being sent to prison

On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly
"With or without spit?!"
The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers
"With spit"
To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a t**...!"

Death row inmate requests steak for final meal

They are on s**... watch, so orders are spoons only
The guards don't give a fork

Two inmates were caught having s**... and the deputy jailer was furious.

The lawyer representing the inmates told the jailer
"Why can't you let bi-cons be bi-cons and move on"

An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.

The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.
Honestly I shouldn't be in here. They said it was because I had s**... with a woman.
The man raised an eyebrow and asked did she consent?
Yes. She consented.
How old was she?
Then why did they put you in here?
The man scoffed and replied, they said dog years don't count.

Two inmates languish in a pitch dark prison cell. Ben shines a torch to a tiny window 15 feet from the floor and said: "Joe, you climb up by grasping this beam of light until you reach the window. Freedom awaits!" Joe shakes his head. Ben: "Why not?"

"When I'm halfway up, you might turn off the torch..."

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It's bec..."

Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: it's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think i have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can i please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

What do Cyberpunk 2077 and a deathrow inmate have in common?

They both won't ever get a release date.

Why do inmates never have s**...?

Because they're In-Cells

The autopsy report came back from the inmate who hung himself in his cell

He had the Epstein-behindBarrs virus

A new prisoner arrives at the gulag, and his fellow inmates ask what he was imprisoned for.

""Nothing! They gave me 10 years for nothing!", the new inmate said.
"Oh come on, don't lie to us!", replied the other inmate; "Everyone knows 'for nothing' is only 5 years!"

Can you go to jail for this?

A d**... enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this d**..., but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.
She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"
She responds, "possession."

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.
"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director
The inspector nods and replies with a smile "Ah, i see. And the inmate, if sane will choose the cup because it's the biggest."
The director then looks at the inspector and raises a brow "No, the sane one will just open the drain"

A prison did a study on inmate morale by building them a fully accessible library

**It had its prose and cons.**
*modified joke, original idea by* /u/Cybersad3021

A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate

A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate.
Inmate #1: so, why are you here?
Inmate #2: I'm in prison for something I didn't do.
Inmate #1: yeah?
Inmate #2: yea, I didn't wipe off the fingerprints from the m**... weapon.

An inmate appeals for parole

Judge: Why should you be granted parole?
Inmate: Within the several years that I've served, I have...
Judge: What have you learned thus far during your incarceration?
Inmate: Well I've had plenty of time to reflect which has really taught me that...
Judge: What will happen when you're back in the real world?
Inmate: Could you let me finish my sentence?
Judge: Okay, parole denied!

3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"
Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."
Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"
Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"
Inmate 1: "I arrived at work on time, that's how they figured out I smuggled in a watch from the west."

Inmate joke, 3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

jokes about inmate