Inherits Jokes

Son: "What's an inheritance?"
Me: "Nothing you need to be concerned with."

Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper f**... hair from my father...

why couldn't i be more like my mom?

would you still love me?

Husband asks his young wife, "Would you still love me if I hadn't inherited my Father's fortune?". She smiles sweetly and says, "Honey, I would have loved you no matter whose fortune you inherited".

A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.

The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."

I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...

...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!
(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)
Well I can't retail them can I?!

What do you call a baby who has inherited Down syndrome from their parents?

A hand-me-down.

What do you calla person that inherits a lot of money?

A millionheir.

Two friends meet after a long time.

and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but we weren't able to get the work done in 1 term because we inherited a really bad situation from the prior administration.

Why did the sun-praiser receive the full inheritance from his grandmother?

Because he was the Solaire!

I yell at my grandma to see if she is still alive

It's a win win situation, either she's still alive or my inheritance just came in.

Girlfriend: we don't need to get our children vaccinated, we both had vaccines so they'll inherit the genes from us

What is the name of my f**... that makes me attracted to r**...?

My grandmother said I would only inherit from her estate if I played a song appropriate to her death during her f**...

In Harry Potter, as soon as Harry gets his inheritance money, he starts blowing it on s**... stuff off the trolley

In the wizarding world, I believe they call that "Muggle rich"

I inherited one of the paintings done by Adolf h**... today.

I don't want to hang it in my house though. I'm afraid it's bad Jew Jew.

America is basically a free country...

you'd just have to inherit 19 trillion dollars in debt

My friend got his long awaited inheritance today...

It simply read:
Give Sean... a hard time

People always complain that Jewish people have all the money.

Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance

Did you hear Prince's sister is inheriting his estate? There's just one problem…

She's just like their mother, so she's never satisfied.

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

Donald Trump's has said his favorite movie is Citizen Kane

It's about a guy who inherited his wealth, flirted with fascism, and ended up a delusional, sad man.
I really don't have anything to add to that.

What happened after 14-Year-Old Richie inherited his father's footwear empire?

He came into a lot of socks.

Today, my daughter came to me and told me...

"Dad, we learned in school that children inherit their intelligence from their mothers."
I said: "Of course you got your intelligence from mom. Because I still have mine".

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

Scientists have discovered a rare mutation that causes autosomal dominant inheritance of violent diarrhea

In hindsight we should've known something like that would run in the genes.

Has anyone seen my selfless, caring, and loyal girlfriend?

She disappeared after I gave her my parent's inheritance. I think she's been kidnapped.

How to tell if Jesus was Jewish.

- Jesus was unmarried until he was 30.
- Jesus inherited his father's business.
- Jesus thought his mother was a god.
- Jesus believed his mother was v**....

Did you hear about the guy who got an inheritance and m**... all over the dollar bills?

Apparently he came into some money.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

I was fired from my last job after the owner caught me having s**... with his wife.

Which really s**..., because I was next in line to inherit our family business.

Little Johnny comes home after learning about Mendelian inheritance in genetics at school.

"Mom?"
"What is it, Johnny?" replied his mom.
"Was Eve black?"

The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one

Did you hear about the radio personality who murdered his only son while broadcasting because he didn't want him to receive any inheritance?

There was a lot of Dead heir on that show.

You want to get rich? It's easy ... this is how you get rich ...

Getting rich is easy.
You buy an apple for 5-cents. You polish the apple until it's shiny and then you sell it for 10-cents.
Then you use the 10-cents to buy two apples. You polish them until their are shiny and sell them for 20-cents.
Then your father dies and you inherit $20-million dollars.

I told my future wife that I inherited the family's sewage treatment business.

She said: "you must be filthy rich"
To which I replied: "mostly, except for being rich"

Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather!

Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo...

Did you hear about the man who inherited a fortune in terms of furniture from his grandfather?

He donated 50% of it to chair-ity!

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.

Two old friends

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.
His friend asked, "What has the world done to you?"
The sad man said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"Sounds like you should be grateful..."
"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
Now the friend was really confused. "Then, why are you so sad?"
"This week... nothing!

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.
The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do something before getting his inheritance, like take up a sport, go back to school or get a job.
Would this really work? asks the Scot.
You bet, replies the lawyer as he downs a shot of whiskey. It'll be strong enough to make your heir curl.

Not a dime in my bank account was inherited.

It was gifted to me by my parents, whom are still alive and well!

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

The Bible states...

that when Jesus finally returns to our world, the meek shall inherit the earth. My thought is, what if they don't want it, you know, because they're meek...

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:
1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my Father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman requested his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his Stepmother.

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

The priest said that my father would not get into heaven because greed had consumed his life.

But it's okay, he told me that if I donated my entire inheritance that he could probably work something out.

Did you hear about the guy with an inheritance f**...?

He just wanted to come into some money.

A blonde and a brunette inherit their parent's ranch but they soon run into money trouble

The brunette says "I'll go to town to buy a bull to produce offspring then send you a telegram when I'm done."
So she gets the bull, goes to the telegram office but she only has enough money left for 1 word. She tells the man at the office to send the word "Comfortable" and he says she'll never know what that means.
So the brunette says "My sister's a blonde so she'll read the word very slowly: Com-for-tha-bull."

Missfortune

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man" he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said "I inherited a watering hole." Bewildered I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."