Infuriate Jokes
43 infuriate jokes and hilarious infuriate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about infuriate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Infuriate Short Jokes
Short infuriate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The infuriate humour may include short jokes also.
- So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
- You know what the most infuriating thing about narcissists is? They never think about how their actions affect *me*!
- Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving? Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.
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Infuriate One Liners
Which infuriate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with infuriate? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Why are fleas never happy? They're in-fur-iated.
Infuriate Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about infuriate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make infuriate pranks.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
A man's wife has been getting onto him for drinking so much...
...but he decides to go out to the bar--just one last time--anyway. As it's his last there, he drinks excessively and gets even more plastered than usual.
The next morning, he wakes up in his own bed not really sure how he got there. Before opening his eyes, he starts imagining how infuriated his wife must be. But when he looks around, his wife isn't there. Instead, there's a hot breakfast on the end table next to a note wishing him a good day and expressing her love.
Suspicious, the man gets out of bed. He goes into the living room and sees a table and chair knocked on their sides and a couple pictures that had fallen off the wall. His son is sitting on the couch, so he asked him what happened.
"Well, Dad, you were pretty drunk when you came home last night," his son replies. "You stumbled in, knocked over the furniture and pictures until Mom woke up and helped you."
"Okay, but what's with the hot breakfast?" he asks. "Why isn't she yelling at me right now?"
"Oh," the son says. "When she tried to lead you into the bedroom, you said, 'No thanks, lady, I'm married.'"
What car brands mean
Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge
Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
Fiat- Fix It Again Tony
Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, s**..., Automotive Nonsense
GM-Gluteus Maximus
GMC-God's Mechanical Curse
LTD-Long, Thin Dumpster
Oldsmobile-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of k**... Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the k**... Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Ariel Sharon postage stamp
Ariel Sharon wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it before he is kicked out of office.
So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high International quality. The stamps are created, printed, and released. Sharon is very pleased.
But within a few days of release of the stamp, he begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking, and he becomes infuriated.
He calls the people responsible and orders them to investigate the matter.
They check the matter out at several post offices, and they report the problem to Sharon.
The report states, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp.The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."
12-inch Pianist
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.
Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks
instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Sunday in an Irish church
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing the hymn number 369, 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
A tale about a cowboy's horse
After a long night of drinking beers in the local bar a cowboy decides to head home. He exits the bar and searches for his horse, only to find out that his horse is not there anymore. Infuriated he went back in the bar and screams out loud:'Who stole my horse?'
The bar remaining dead silent, leaving the man to no other option then screaming: 'If no one tells me where my horse is, the same will happen as in 1989, and I do not like to let that happen again...'
With everyone in the bar now terrified, no one dared to speak up or tell the angry cowboy anything. The cowboy repeats himself one more time: 'I do not want to let the same thing happen as in 1989, remember that y'all.'
At that moment, one brave man dares to speak up and ask the mad cowboy what happened back in 1989. 'Then, then I went back home by foot.'
A blonde woman's first day at live software support..
She was giving help to customers through live chats.
She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.
Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!
Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exactly happened? Did you say something to them?
Woman: Well, all I did was ask them to try restarting their computer!
A cowboy sees a majestic horse...
It's the most beautiful horse he's ever seen, and he wants nothing more than this horse. He finds the owner of this horse, an immigrant, and asks to buy it. The owner says, "I tell you misser, dis horse no look so good." The cowboy persists, extolling the physical virtues of this horse. The immigrant says, "Okay misser, but I tell you he no look so good". The cowboy mounts the horse and says "Giddyup". The horse immediately slams into a tree and breaks its neck. The infuriated cowboy goes back to the immigrant and asks him why he didn't tell him the horse was that suicidal. The immigrant says "He not suicidal, he just no look so good!"
The 12-inch pianist
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks
instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Where ya from Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
Series of Romanian Alinuta jokes.
Sup ya'll! I've translated some dark Romanian jokes about a girl named Alinuta. Any other Romanians who know more please share!
-Brother: Mom, Alinuta hung herself in the basement!
Mom goes and looks to find nothing.
Mom: She's not there.
Brother: April fools! She's in the attic!
-While Alinuta's brother is watching tv, she quickly moves passed the screen.
Brother: Hey! Get out of the way!
Alinuta again moves passed the screen, blocking her brothers view for a second.
Bother: Stop getting in the way!
Alinuta moves across the room again, blocking his screen.
Infuriated with his sister blocking his TV, Alinuta's brother calls their mom to resolve the problem.
Brother: I want to watch TV but Alinuta keeps moving in front of the screen.
Mom: oh it's cause she hung herself.
-"Alinuta stop playing with the scissors! You're going to spill your fingers on the floor again!"
I lost my watch at a party once...
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was s**... harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
A man goes to church
And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."
The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"
The man says "Well, me and the woman were n**... but we just rubbed against each other."
The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."
The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"
The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."
I lost my watch at a party last night....
After about an hour of looking for it I finally found it on the ground. A man was stepping on it while he was harassing some woman. Infuriated, I walked over to him and punched him in the face, breaking his nose. No one mistreats a woman, not on my watch.
A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill.
After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return.
Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return.
The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a firefight is heard, and the platoon doesn't return.
Infuriated, the general sent his entire command over the hill. Tanks rolled over the hill and failed to return after a massive firefight ensued. A private crawled back over the hill with his legs on the other side of the hill and exclaimed "It's a trap! There are two Germans!"
I lost my watch at a party once.
About an hour later I saw some guy standing on it while harassing a woman. Infuriated, I went over and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch.
On the night of his inauguration, Trump is visited by three ghosts.
Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets. Trump's face sours, and he yells FAKE NEWS!
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks how can I make America great again? Washington replies I would suggest you never tell a lie , which infuriates Trump.
Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks how can I make America great again? . Lincoln responds, go to the theater.
Old Soviet man goes for Rations...
An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.
"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is b**...!"
The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."
The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"
He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."
I was sitting in my house in England, looking at the news
I was sitting in my house in England, Looking at the news.
Hearing about what was being done to people on british soil by Russians infuriated me. I took it upon myself to write a long scathing article about Putin, and how we should stand up to him and not takes these shenanigans any more from him.
I was about to post it online and share it with my Russian friends, but then my nerves got the better of me.
The US postal service releases a stamp of Donald Trump
After sometime, reports start to come in that the stamp was not sticking. Infuriated that his own stamps were not working, Trump conducted a $1,300,000 investigation to find out what happened. After eliminating all of the possibilities, they observe the post office to see if the fault was on the consumers end. They soon found out that people were spitting on the wrong side.
The service in the Cyber Cafe was infuriatingly slow. All the waiters were terrible at their job. Eventually, though, they did a complete restaff, and it improved dramatically.
Turns out all they needed was a server upgrade.
A man walks into a bar
After being blinded by the bar lights, he finds a seat and asks the barkeep for a beer. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no beer. Annoyed, but still thirsty, the man asks for a shot of whiskey. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no liquor on the premises. Infuriated that the bar has neither beer nor whiskey, the man exclaims You're the worst barkeep around, what kind of bar is this?! . The barkeep responds, You walked into a bar son, hit your head pretty bad. This is a hospital .
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President s**...."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the u**... is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a b**... is eight...
Three plus seven, that son of a b**... is ten."
Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**... is four.
Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
A father learns his daughter's virginity has been taken
He is infuriated. He races down to her boyfriends' house and pounds on the door demanding an explanation.
He opens the door and says "Don't worry. It won't happen again."
I lost my watch at a party
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
The son of a b**...
Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...
"2+5, the son of a b**... is 7"
"3+6, the son of a b**... is 9"
His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"
"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"
Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"
"Yes mom "
Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:
"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a b**... is 4?"
There was silence for a moment
Then the teacher started laughing :
"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."
***
I lost my watch at a party once...
An hour later, I saw some guy stepping on it whilst he was s**... harrasing this young woman at that party. Infuriated and discombobulated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. Nobody does that to a woman; not on my watch.
Idea credit goes to a random redditor on a random askreddit thread about stereotypes
A man goes up to his friend and asks him:
"What do you think is the most infuriating stereotype about men that people always talk about?"
His friend replies:
"I hate it when people say that men can't multitask. Whenever I hear someone say that, I have to stop what I'm doing so that I can get angry."
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch
A wannabe rich woman once bought an expensive fur coat
A wannabe rich woman once bought and expensive fur coat which didn't sit well with her 14 year old daughter.
Mom, do you realise that some poor, dumb beast had to suffer so you could get that? She said
The woman, infuriated by her daughter's comment said 'how dare you speak about your father like that!'
p**... and m**... take a short cut home across a farmers field
p**...: "Ahhh, m**... look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"
m**... says: "Herd of Cows, p**...... Herd of Cows"
Mildly infuriated, p**... replies:
"Of course I've heard of Cows, m**...: there's a b**... flock of them in the next field!!"
My kindergarten daughter asked me a question,
so I answered her back In confidence with the correct answer. She asked me how I knew that , so I answered her that I knew everything. This infuriated my daughter and she told me there were people out there that knew more than me. I was shocked and told her I didn't know anyone smarter than me. Then she just looked at me and said Then you don't know everything .
True Story
A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .
. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his t**... in the drink.
Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his b**... in my martini ?!!"
The piano player replies "No man, but hum a few bars and I can probably pick it up."
Baseball
A Braves fan walks into an Atlanta bar and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. Drinks for everyone here, bartender! shouts the Braves fan. Except for Mr. Yankees!
The Yankees fan smiles and says, Thank you!
Infuriated, the Braves fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Braves asks the bartender, What's the matter with that guy? I've ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?
No, he's not nuts, says the bartender. He owns the place.