Information Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Information puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Information

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?

The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

So you like limericks, huh?

On the Breast of a woman named Gale

was tattooed the price of her tail

and on her behind

for the sake of the blind

was the same information in braile.

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...

...it's called Norton

What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?

You can punch information into a computer.

I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

JFK Assassination Document Release

From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information

What is the best website find information about a DJ?

Wikiwikiwikipedia

Hitler went to see a fortune seer

Hitler went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Hitler wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"

There are two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate information based off of the given context

There are 2 types of people in this world

Those with the ability to extrapolate information from incomplete data

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They're both flying information.

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

What is False Information spelled backwards?

False Information

There are two kinds of people in the world

Those that can extrapolate from missing information

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

Semantics really

I woke up this morning and found a bunch of missing person posters around town that said "Offering reward for any information".

I promptly ran to a phone, called them up and told them my favourite colour was blue.

A man drives through a stop sign..

A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.

"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."

"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"

The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.

"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"

Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without Whatsapp & Facebook?

My Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they cant get any information out of him.

the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"

The doctor said to me, Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music! I gasped, Yikes! What's The Cure?!

He yowled, Oh my God! It's worse than I thought!

Ain't that the truth

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident....

...An Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "Tomorrow, we're going to pull her up again!"

*mikedrop

Where do DJ's go for information?

They go to Wiki-wiki-wikipedia.

Your mama is so fat...

The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.

I'm starting a combination Frozen Yogurt shop and news stand..

It will be called Froyo Information.

Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page...

...please enter your 17 digit password.

On A Desert Island For 10 Years

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
The man runs to greet her, "Am I ever happy to see you."
The girl says "Hi! Looks like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" The man says, "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
The man says, "Thanks!" The girl says, "So tell me, how long its been since you had a drink?"
The man replies, "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and out comes a flask of whiskey. The man takes a drink.
The man is so happy. "Wow. Thanks. You are a life saver!"
The girl begins to unzip the front of her wet suit. She says seductively, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Excitedly, the man says, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

An Italian, a German, and a Brit get captured by the enemy...

Every night a guard would take them one at a time out of their cell and into the interrogation room, tie them up, and torture them to try to get information.

The Brit caved after the first night, the German caved after the second night. The Italian had lasted 7 days and still hadn't said a word. They asked him "hey guy, why don't you just tell them something so this can all be over for you?"

The Italian responded "how do they expect me to talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years.

Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app.

"Stalin is a fool!"

A man yelled in Red Square. He was arrested by the secret police and sentenced to 25 years. He was given five years for insulting the head of state, and 20 years for revealing classified information.

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? The man below says: Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist. I do replies the man. How did you know? Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone. The man below replies, You must work in management. I do, replies the balloonist, But how'd you know? Well , says the man, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.

3 engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God is......

and the mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer." To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer." "I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer. " says the civil engineer. " No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."

Spy

A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.

That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .

One day Jesus was strolling around...

...when he comes across a sad old man, searching something desperately.
"What are you searching for old man?" He asks.
"My son." responds the old man.
Jesus tells the man that he will aid him in finding his son. But wanta more information: "Do you have any information about him? Anything specific, like, what does he look like?"
"Well," the old man says "he had nails in his hands and legs..."
Jesus is shocked.
"D...Dad?" He asks, his voice trembling.
The old man approaches Jesus, places his hands onto Jesus' cheeks. He asks:
"Pinnocio??"

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer only has to have information punched into it once.

Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing.

"We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect," says the man conducting the briefing, "just one more small piece of information."

"Bring it on."

"5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"

"That certainly isn't a good thing," replies Trump, "but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"

"Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"

"How many is a Brazilian?"

A man was held as a prisoner of war for several months

He was tortured for information, and every time he would refuse, they would slice off his extremities. They started with his fingers and when those were gone, they began to work on his feet.

When the camp he was at was raided and overtaken, he saw his old commander walk in, a flood of joy and relief washed over him as he was finally free from the suffering, finally able to go back home.

But as he met eyes with his commander, who looked down at him, then at his feet, he turned away and left him to die in the cell. The soldier saw his toe-less feet and his heart sank into his stomach. His commander was lack-toes intolerant.

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

I'll never forget my son's 856th words.

"Dad, you capture irrelevant information."

Where can you find information on every DJ in the world?

*wika*-*wika*-pedia

Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan's doctor comes to him and says,"I'm afraid it's Alzheimer's, Mr. President."

Reagan muses this information over then replies,"Well, I always say 'trust, but verify' so verify it to me doctor."

The doctor goes and has extensive tests done on Reagan's brain and even calls in a second doctor for confirmation. After waiting a few days for the results he visits Reagan again.

"Mr. President, I have conclusive evidence that my prior diagnosis was correct.", the doctor says confidently.

"What diagnosis?", Reagan replies confused.

"The one that said you have Alzheimer's.", the doctor said mouth gaping open.

"Oh, well I always say, 'trust, but verify' so..."

How is a flock of geese like an airplane full of encyclopedias?

They're flying in-formation.

A girl ask her mom how much she weighs

The mom replies, "That is not a question you ask other people." As the girl is walking to school her friend recommends looking at her mom's drivers licence because it has all her mom's information. The girl then proceeds to look at her mom's drivers license and then reproaches her mom and says "you weigh 135lbs! And you are also 5' 6" tall." The mom replies "you're correct" the girl continues to say "I also know why daddy broke up with you!" The shocked mother then inquires how the little girl knows. The little girl says "Because you got an F in sex!"

LPT: If you ever find that your hard drive has been wiped, don't worry!

Just call the NSA, they'll have have all your information backed up

Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information

Nobody reads Russian names

My favorite joke of all time.

A man calls information for a phone number (this happened before smart phones)

Anyway, the man asks for Derp Smith in Derpville, California.

The operator says "I have many listings for Derp Smith, do you have a street name?"

The man thought for a moment and replied

"Well, some people call me Iceman."

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I'm vegan.

Mark Zuckerberg's office has the greatest view in the Silicon Valley

A view of personal information of 2.2 billion people.

Element Jokes (CHEESY)

Two chemistry students are walking together.

The first student asks the second, "Can you tell me what the symbol for Potassium is?"

The second student replies, "K."

---

The two students are studying together after class.

"Do you remember the symbol for sodium?" the first student asks the second.

"Na," he replies.

---

The two students are working together again.

"Did you memorize the symbol for Nobelium?" the first asks the second.

"No," he tells him.

---

The second student is telling the first student about neptunium.

"Thanks for all the information you've given me," the first student says to the second.

"Np," the second student responds.

---

What's a sheep's favourite element?

Barium.

---

How do you make element soup?

Mix Sulfur, Oxygen, Uranium, and Phosphorus into boiling water and stir.

---

Do the Spanish love Silicon?

Si.

---

How do you sing the element song?

Just repeat "Lanthanum" over and over again.

---

What's Santa's favourite Christmas present to get?

3 atoms of Holmium.

There are two types of people in the world

Those who can draw a conclusion from a single piece of information

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.

Teach a man to phish, and he'll steal all your banking information.

I was just on Trip Advisor and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!

Car Accident

So I got into a car accident the other day. It was nothing major, just a small fender bender as I rear-ended the car ahead of me. We both pull over and I get my insurance information ready when I see the other driver step out of his car - he was a dwarf! I get out of my car and get ready to hand him my information when he looks at me and says "I'm not happy..." so I responded "Well which one are you?"

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.

"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."

I Have Money For Days!

A man goes to his bank to withdraw some money. He sees there is a new, smoking hot teller. He thinks 'I'll ask her out on a date'. He proceeds to walk up to her and starts to talk to her.

Hey beautiful.

*giggles* Well hello sir! What can I do for you today?

I'd like to withdraw some money for a date tonight.

She checks his account information. Well, who happens to be the lucky lady?

I was hoping it would be you?

She giggles again and says I don't think so, sir.

Why not? I have money for days!

Three days, if we're being exact.

Bread is classified information!

It's on a knead-to-dough basis.

Two men get into a car wreck...

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.

"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty scary."

"Don't thank me," the older man replies, casually tossing the empty bottle into the woods. "I'm a lawyer."

Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The cannibals promise not to bother the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny any knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand rise hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything. Why you just had to go and eat the cleaner?!"

What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops?

Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.

So a realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House

A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?"

The realtor says "Brochure"

Never trust information from a gay man.

He can't give it to you straight.

Going to a church potluck...

A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.

"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."

His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"

"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."

Alabama

I bet the only good thing about living in Alabama is having your state come up first when you're filling out online information.

Where does Google and Apple get their weather information?

The Cloud.

Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline

I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.

My friend said he ate an entire encyclopaedia and pooped out a few pages.

I said, "Too much information."

I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".

How does Gandalf transmit a large amount of information from one place to another?

He uses a Shadowfax.

What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?

They're both snowed in.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes