India Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

What's the best dating service in India?

Connect the dots.

(I'll see my self out.)

When my new Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial...

...I nearly came on the spot...

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

What did Indian say to mum when he left?

Mumbai.

A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000.
The man agrees.
6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants.
"Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?"
He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

Wait, ladies, cried the professor, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!

The three most well known languages in India are English, Hindi, and...

JavaScript

What did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left?

Mumbai.

I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.

I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"

Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

Two Indians put their ears to the ground........

The first Indian says: "Buffalo come".

The second Indian says: "Buffalo no come".

The first Indian places his ear back on the ground and repeats "Buffalo come".

The second Indian places his ear back on the ground and says "I no hear anything, why you think buffalo come?"

The first Indian replies "Ear sticky".

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.

The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..?

The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread..

They're naan-profit organizations.

Why do Indians not like snow?

It is white and settles on their land.

So, an Indian went to the US embassy

to get a visa for a visit to his friend placed there. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose"...!

The immigration officer corrected that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' ...J is pronounced as ''H''

'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''

"7 months; from Hanuary to Huly."

What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?

Mumbai

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?'

A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

An Indian talks to a UKIP supporter

UKIP supporter: "Oh you damn people are invading our country and taking everything of ours"

Indian :"No sir we are simply returning the favour"

What does an Indian kid say before leaving his house for the day?..

Mumbai

Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations.

At Indian Restaurant

"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Samosa?"
"No, thank you, I'm full now."

Why do India never qualify for the world cup?

Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop.

Indian On The Road

I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle...

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why???


Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.

Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual,
with an appreciation for the finer things.

Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive
reconstruction.

From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:)

Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba... ruled by a dick.


The dirty professor

The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"

Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.

The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

The Indian with a great memory

When I was a kid, everyone all over the country would come to visit the Indian reservation to meet one person. He was the only man in the world to have a perfect memory, but people were only allowed to ask one question. My family decided to go visit him for ourselves, and when we got there I had the perfect question.
"Excuse me sir, what did you have for breakfast when you were 15 years old?"
He replied, "Eggs." and that was that. I was disappointed by his answer, but there was nothing I could do.
Ten years later I recognized the man sitting by himself in a park. I walked up to him, held my hand up with the palm up, and said "How". He said "Scrambled."

a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )

A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter

so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"

So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.

"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.

The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.

"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"

"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""

Mujibar get a job in India

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.

A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'Keep standing in line you fuckwits, today I will not open the damn bank!

.

.

.

Premise for those unaware: India has recently scrapped 500 rupee and 1000 rupee notes, rendering 85% of the country's cash utterly useless. (Funnier than the joke, isn't it?!) So folks are queued up outside banks to exchange old notes for new currency.

How many Indians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Your laughter is important to us.

You punchline will be delivered in the order in which it was requested.

How did Christopher Columbus find India?

He used Apple Maps.

No name TP

An Indian goes to the trading post in search of toilette paper. He notices that there are 3 kinds. 'Deluxe' brand @ $1, 'Economy' brand @ 50 cents and a no name brand for only 15 cents. He buys the no name brand. The next day he comes back to the trading post and declares the he has a name for the no name brand toilette paper. John Wayne

Why would we name it 'John Wayne'? asks the clerk?

Because it's rough!, It's tough!, and it don't take NO SHIT off no Indian

Indian Style?

A Canadian Indian picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've

had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'

THE AGING EXPLORER

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

I met a man from India and he gave me this one

A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane.

The Frenchman says to the stewardess "I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window!" Of course she doesn't believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells everyone "We are flying over Paris" Amused the stewardess asks "how could you know that?", well says the Frenchman "I just touched the Eiffel tower"

Not wanting to be shown up, the American boasts that he too can tell where they are, he sticks his hand out the window as says "see here, I knew it, we're actually flying over New York City, I can tell because I just touched the Empire State Building"

By this point the Indian decides that he would like to play along, he looks at the other two and says "let me see if I can tell where we really are" he sticks his hand out the window and pulls it back in. Then he informs everyone "it turns out we are actually flying over New Deli"... the stewardess leans in and asks "How do you know we're flying over New Deli just by sticking your arm out the window" the Indian man replies "My watch is gone"

They say that Indian Cooks are a jack of all trades...

But a master of naan.

My girlfriend said this to me when we were getting indian food tonight.

Why can't Indiana Jones find a long lasting relationship?

Bad dates.

What does an Indian do when he's cold?

He shivas

We've all talked to this guy!!

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said; "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skill. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, " You must make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said. "Mister Manager, I am ready." The Manager said. "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green; and I pink it up, and say 'Yellow', this is Mujibar!" Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him!!

What does an Indian boy say to his mum when he goes out?

Mumbai

Indians Robbing a Bank

An Indian man tries to rob a bank. He walks out of the bank with no money. The getaway driver asks him Where's the money? And why do you have so many computers? The bank robber replies They thougth I was tech support.

An Indian and a cowboy were buffalo hunting together

The Indian suddenly knelt down, pressed his ear against the ground and said "Buffalo come."

The cowboy was amazed by this and asked him "how do you know this?"

The Indian replied: "Sticky."

An Indian man arrives at the reception of a hotel...

An Indian man arrives at the reception of a hotel and asks for a room for the night. The receptionist says "of course, sir, do you have a reservation?"
To which he replies "I'm not that kind of Indian!"

What does an Indian who refuses to leave say?

Namaste.

I feel like there should be a travel book for India called

A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont's

Being an Indian, my white friends asked me about what Indians did during the festival of Diwali...

They got very happy and asked me to take them to India the next time. I don't know what's there to be happy about. I just told them " We blow crackers."

Indian names.

A little Indian boy becomes curious one day and decides to talk to his father, the chief of their village how his tribe chooses names.

"Father," he said "how do we get out names in this tribe?"

The father looks at his boy and tells him "well, my son, when a baby is born in this village they are given their name based on the last omen seen by our tribe. That is why I am named Roaring Blackbear, and you're mother is named Soaring Eagle."

"Oh well that certainly clears some things up for me, father." The boy said.

The chief looks at his son and asks "why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The crowd begins to look at each other questioningly and a single man steps forward.

'How much do they cost?'

God replies, 'They're free.'

The crowd shouts back, 'WE'LL TAKE TEN!'

I went to India recently

I went to India and you have to eat with one hand and wipe your bum with your other, and I always got quite nervous that I'd forget which hand was
which so I just used cutlery. But after a while it started to really hurt my bottom.

What's Indiana Jones's least favorite beer?

Rolling Rock

What did the Indian man name his sandwich shop?

New Delhi

:D

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today

Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

What do you call a war between india and the UK?

The empire strikes back.

The Indian That Never Forgets

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"

Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks.

The man tells his friend about the experience, and his friend replies "That's disrespectful, you should greet an indian in their native language. Next time instead of "Hi" say "How".

10 years later, the same man is on vacation again, and sees the sign for the Indian again. He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him.

Remembering his friend's advice, when the man approaches the Indian, he holds up his hand and says, "How!"

The Indian replies, "Scrambled."

This Indian man I know beats his wife

every night he hits her at the same time. Always at 7:00. Right on the Dot.

An indian and a white man are walking through the woods...

and the white man is trying to learn how to hunt game from the indian. So the indian is moving quickly and quietly through the dense forest and the white man is fumbling loudly behind him. Suddenly, the indian stops short and presses his cheek up against a large tree. He then exclaims,

*"Moose come."*

The white man is baffled by how the indian discovered this and says, *"How do you know that?"*

Indian: *"Cheek sticky."*

What do you call a surprise party in India?

Arranged marriage

p.s. I'm an Indian living in India.

TIL that India is installing 15000 CCTV cameras in Delhi for Obama's visit.

This is ridiculous.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.... When will the world stop this Racist behaviour ?

I asked Linkin Park why don't they perform in India. They said...

Indian it doesn't even matter.

An Indian learning English.

An Indian(like from India) is walking through the forest with his English teacher while the teacher points to and names objects. He points to a tree and says, "tree" the Indian repeats, "tree". They walk a little further and the teacher points to a rock and says, "rock" and the Indian repeats, "rock". They walk a little farther still and they come across a couple having sex, the Indian says, "how you say that?" the teacher, a tad embarrassed, says, "uuhh that's a bicycle." The Indian proceeds to run over, pick up the guy from the ground and beat him senseless. The teacher, surprised, runs over and manages to pull the Indian off of the man. He says," why did you do that? do you know this man?" the Indian responds, "No, I don't know the man, but he was riding my bicycle!"

In India, you don't drive on the left of the road..

you drive on what is left on the road.

Why did the Indian not show up for work?

He was Sikh.

An Indian Chief drinks 1,000 gallons of ice tea

He drowned in his own tepee

Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India?

We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.

What did the Indian child say to his mother before he left for school?

Mumbai!

Indian Genie

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

Do Indian restaurants have any bread?

Nah, they have Naan.

They asked a chicken in which country it will prefer to live?

The chicken replied - "In China!, there chickens can walk freely in huge fields and lay their eggs"
They asked a cow in which country it will prefer to live?
The cow replied - "In India, there a cow is a holy animal, and cows are not eaten, and treated with great respect"
They asked an ass where he would prefer to live?
He replied - "In North Korea - there any ass can become a prime minister!"

An Indian just moved to the U.S

Within a few days of reaching the U.S, he got extremely sick, vomiting everywhere. He went to many American doctors, and none of them could figure out what was wrong with him. He decided to go to the Indian doctor beside his house. The Indian doctor told him:

"Go shit in a bucket, piss on the shit, then jack off and make sure all the cum gets inside the bucket, then put it over your head and breath the fumes for 5 minutes"

He does this, and amazingly, it worked! So he goes back to the doctor and tells him "doctor, I can't believe this worked, what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied "you were homesick"

Indian chief in a whorehouse

An Indian chief went to a whorehouse and said he wanted a woman. The madam asked him if he had ever been with a woman before, and he said no. She told him to go find a tree with a hole in it and practice on that for a while. He came back a week later and said he had practiced fucking a hole in a tree and now he wanted a woman. He went upstairs with a whore, but about 30 seconds later she came running down the stairs yelling and screaming, bloody and bruised, with the Indian running behind her swinging a large stick. The madam said, "What the hell are you doing to my whore?" The Indian replied, "This time me check for bees first!"

What are the funniest india jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about India? Well, here are the best India puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny India pick up lines to share with friends.

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