Incredible Jokes
132 incredible jokes and hilarious incredible puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about incredible that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Take a break from the everyday and get a chuckle with these incredible jokes! Featuring jokes about Mr Incredible, the Incredible Hulk, and Incredible India, these fabulous and unbelievable jokes are sure to make you smile.
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Funniest Incredible Short Jokes
Short incredible jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The incredible humour may include short unbelievable jokes also.
- People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
- Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
- I met a girl at a club the other night who said she'd show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside... She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
- What do you call an incredibly strong STD? Herpules
(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son) - It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.
- I was looking for a Dating Simulator on steam. It said "Sorry, no matches found."
The level of realism is incredible. - What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who's also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath? A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.
- Man walks into a library and orders an incredibly hot curry. "This is a library", says the librarian
"Oh, sorry", replies the man
"*I'd like to order an incredibly hot curry please*", he whispers - So I was in the movie theatre... and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon.
- Therapist: Are you aware that you have incredible difficulty verbalizing your emotions? Man: I can't say I'm surprised.
Therapist: Exactly.
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Incredible One Liners
Which incredible one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with incredible? I can suggest the ones about amazing and impressive.
- My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'.
- Two satellite got married the wedding was okay, but the reception was incredible!
- I'm absolutely incredible in bed. In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.
- What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
- Just saw Pixar's latest movie. Not only was it great... ... it was incredible, too.
- I used to be incredibly indecisive. But now I'm not that sure...
- You haven't heard of The Incredible Hulk's new fashion line? It's all the rage.
- I tried drag racing the other day. It's incredibly hard to run in heels.
- I am an incredible artist... I can draw anything but attention.
- my first wife was a mathematician She was incredibly calculating.
- Did you hear about that incredibly unbelievable item in the store I didn't buy it
- The Incredible Hulk has started his own fashion line. It's all the rage.
- I don't like working at the IRS It's incredibly taxing
- What's big and green and sits in the corner? The Incredible Sulk!
- Disney have finally announced a Ratatouille sequel! It's called "Incredible Stew"
Incredible Hulk Jokes
Here is a list of funny incredible hulk jokes and even better incredible hulk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk? Star spangled Banner.
- If I were Bruce Banner's son, the Incredible Hulk wouldn't exist I'm not angry…I'm just disappointed
- After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle. He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.
- What's the Incredible Hulk's favorite food? Smashed potatoes.
- What's The Incredible Hulk's favourite London Underground station? Turnham Green!
- What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal? Smashed potatoes.
- Date: You don't look anything like your profile picture Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
- It's double standards!!!! When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."
But when I do it,
I'm, "an alcoholic." - The Incredible Hulk became a muslim. Now his new catchphrase is "i slam".
- Once a month for twelve months, I visited actors who'd played the Incredible Hulk. It was a Banner year for me.
Incredible Feat Jokes
Here is a list of funny incredible feat jokes and even better incredible feat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard that there was a guy who could jump twice his height That's some incredible feat
Comical Incredible Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about incredible you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tremendous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make incredible pranks.
r**... Logic Joke
Two r**..., Hunter and c**... decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the c**... asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a w**... eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said c**....
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, c**... said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
c**... was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
c**..., proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied c**....
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a w**... eater?" asked c**....
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."
So my friend, Rick Astley, asked me for some Pixar movies to watch...
I told him, "You can borrow Toy Story 1, 2, and 3, A Bugs Life, Monsters Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars 1 and 2, Ratatouille, and Wall*E, but I'm never gonna give you UP!"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"
*Incredible*
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
This one's incredibly old, but it's still as funny to me today as it was 500 years ago
So a man goes to a psychiatrist and tell the man, "Sir, my brother thinks he's a chicken." So the psychiatrist replies, "Well then, why don't you bring him in?" Then the man tells him, "Well, sir, I would, but we need the eggs."
A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder
They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:
"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"
and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...
And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs.
"Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
The big bed...
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
Art Thief
An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.
He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"
The thief replies:
"I did not have the Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh"
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
I heard we like Native American jokes.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
IT guy
John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
DRINKING BUDDIES
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
r**... boy meets his dream girl!
A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.
"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."
Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."
"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a v**...."
At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."
Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"
"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
The god Thor is bored one day and decided to try out having s**... with a mortal woman...
He heads down to earth and finds a beautiful young woman. Pouring on the charm, he convinces her to go to bed with him. He goes back to her place and enjoys her in every possible way, absolutely plowing her with all his god-like strength and endurance. 7 hours later, he rolls off. She's laying there, gasping and panting, shaking, and exhausted from the most incredible s**... she's ever had in her life. She can't even speak. All she can do is s**... his chest with a trembling hand. He understands her point, though. He was amazing.
"I've got a confession to make," he says. "I'm actually Thor."
"You're thor!? I'm tho thor, I won't be able to thit down for a week!
When I was a single man, I had an incredible amount of spare time.
Since I started listening to full albums I'm always stuck in my room.
Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well
Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!
A man attends his wife's f**....
His wife had been hit by a car. Incredibly, the car screeched around the block and struck her once more before speeding off, never to be found.
The man was accepting condolences after the service. An old friend said to him, "I know you'll miss her."
"*Miss* her?" the man replied. "I got her pretty good the first two times!"
I bought a new TV today...
Got a great 50" HDTV for $29.99 today.
Of course, there was a catch... The volume was stuck at the max setting so it was incredibly loud.
But for $29.99, I couldn't turn it down.
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy
He has a strong Taipei personality
I once saw an incredible disappearing Mexican magician...he would come on stage and say, "Uno, Dos..." And p**...!
He was gone without a Tres
Donald, we want to install turbines beside your golf courses to harness the incredible power of the wind! What do you think of these concept sketches?
"Not a huge fan."
Trump has been criticized for being incredibly sexist, homophobic, fundementalist, and wanting to bring back slavery
In other words, he's been criticized for acting like a Muslim.
There was once a great Mexican Magician...
There was once a great Mexican Magician. He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count;
uno
dos
and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.
2 antennas met on a roof.
They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible!
In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.
As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.
An artist lives next to a Marsh.
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a n**... beach.
A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.
Then the g**... flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, Why don't you play the flute instead of the bongos?
There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films
The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."
Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."
The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."
Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"
Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."
Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"
Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."
*squints and looks at paper*
"...Margret."
I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.
The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I f**..., the room smells incredible.
My friend was showing me his new golf ball.
He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."
I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"
"Found it"
A man walks into a buffet...
He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
I went to medical school with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls.
He'd do anything to get a head.
A guy walks into a psychiatric ward to visit his old man.
As he sits down in the recreation room with his dad, he spots a schizophrenic kid standing on the table.
The kid starts targeting each person in the room, busting out the freshest, most incredible 'yo mama' jokes he's ever heard; true originality at its best.
"That's incredible," he says to his old man, "That kid's got an insane dis ability!"
The New Lumberjack
A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.
The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"
I dig, you dig, we dig.
He digs, she digs, they dig.
It's certainly not the most beautiful poem in the world, but it's incredibly deep.
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.
"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"
If you tell a really incredible story about making money...
It's an incomparable income parable.
All the women I have slept with have one thing in common
They have incredibly low standards.
A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.
The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."
Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"
God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."
"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Should I beat my kids?
I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated
My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.
But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And with the lockdown in place we can't get out the house either, which doesn't help the situation
Anyway, I just really wanted some advice before I take drastic measures, because I'd really like to enjoy playing Mario Kart normally again without letting them beat me
A man walks into a bar
A man walks in a bar and orders a beer. After taking a few sips, he notices a gorilla in the corner. He asks hey what's with the gorilla?
The bartender says watch this. He walks up to the gorilla and smacks him in the head and the gorilla immediately drops down and gives him a b**....
The man shocked says, wow that's incredible!.
The bartender asks him if he'd like to try.
The man replies, yeah sure just dont hit me so hard!
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony wasn't anything special, but the reception was incredible!
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied, "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed, "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says, "Yay, I got a yob!"
Yesterday, one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, and quite frankly, it completely ruined our bath.
Two antennas met on a roof...
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
A man walks in to a bar
And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.
How to spot a millionaire, am I right? he winks and smiles at the bartender
No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire
Okay - so he must be extremely charming?
Larry is actually a man of very few words
Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??
I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, l**... his eyebrows..
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.
The barman says "That was quick!"
"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.
"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.
The man answers "no money."
Two friends were out golfing one morning.
One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a f**... processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is ready to continue.
That was the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It was incredibly touching on your part to take the time to say a prayer for the deceased. Says his friend.
Well, it's the least I can do. After all, we were married for 35 years.
The big duck
A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash
He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"
"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"
So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it
A genie come out : "I grant you one wish"
" incredible, I wish for a billion !"
Suddenly, a pillion appeared.
"But this is not what i asked for !"
And the other guy says "You really think i asked for a big duck ?"
A Scotsman
A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. Did you smell that? she asked her husband. It smells absolutely incredible! Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought what the h**...…I'll treat her!
So, they walked past the place again!
Two Antennas met on a roof.
A year later, they got married the wedding wasn't great but the reception was incredible.
