JokoJokes

Increase Jokes

109 increase jokes and hilarious increase puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about increase that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Increase your humor aptitude! Learn how to turn price increases, petrol increases, fuel increases and salary increases into lighthearted jokes that can make a dull day sky rocket with laughter. Find out how to decrease the worry of pay increases and diminish the strain of rising costs.

Funniest Increase Short Jokes

Short increase jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The increase humour may include short higher jokes also.

  1. Alligators can live up to 100 years... Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
  2. Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but
    5! equals 120.
  3. TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that... ...they *will* see you later!
  4. When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced. That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
    have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.
  5. This will blow your mind! If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.
  6. I asked my grocer why garbage bags have become so expensive. He said there's been a hefty demand increase.
  7. SPOILER ALERT: I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.
  8. If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.... That's why people with no sense of humour, have an increased sense of importance.
  9. Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change.
  10. The gap between rungs on a ladder has increased because people have become taller. This is officially known as climb it change.

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Increase One Liners

Which increase one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with increase? I can suggest the ones about rise and gain.

  1. The popularity of origami has increased ten fold.
  2. My inability to proofread increases by 1000% after I press send. Danmit
  3. Is it just me, or is the US Supreme Court getting increasingly brutal? Ruthless, even.
  4. They say the value of something increases when you shout it out... 5 = 5
    5! = 120
  5. I've become much more attractive during the pandemic My gravity increased.
  6. Shoutout to the Ampersand for both increasing & decreasing the length of the word "and".
  7. I think my shampoo is making me fat... ...it says guaranteed to increase the Volume
  8. Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump You could call it the car owner virus
  9. My love for you is like COVID 19 It keeps increasing everyday
  10. Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped? Demeter wasn't working.
  11. Hear about the lazy baker who wanted a pay increase? He rarely kneeded the dough.
  12. Why did the gymnast become a body builder? To increase flex-ability
  13. What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation
  14. Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?" Husband: Your weight?
  15. Did you hear about the growing origami industry? Their business is in-CREASING!

Pay Increase Jokes

Here is a list of funny pay increase jokes and even better pay increase puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Even though I've had a steady income and have been paying all my bills on time for a while, Visa still doesn't trust me enough to increase my limit. They don't give me enough credit.
  • When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures? When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

Price Increase Jokes

Here is a list of funny price increase jokes and even better price increase puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!
  • Things are pretty bad right now Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.
  • The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50% That's inflation for you.
  • With the increasing price and size of Iphones…… If you want to be an iPhone user in 10 years, you'll need to have deep pockets.
    ( first time here, I hope is not too bad)
  • Plane tickets prices' are increasing By 2020, it'll be "sky high".
  • Why did the clown increase his prices for balloons he already filled with air? Because of inflation.
  • Recently, I noticed the price at the air pumps has dramatically increased. Why is this? Inflation
  • Celebrity Big Brother viewing figures have already increased by 800k since Katie Price entered the house. That's because all her ex's are now watching.
  • Scientists have established a direct correlation between increased m**... usage among husbands and the price of eggs. They're both getting higher because not enough are getting laid
Increase joke, Scientists have established a direct correlation between increased m**... usage among husbands and t

Increase Productivity Jokes

Here is a list of funny increase productivity jokes and even better increase productivity puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth? Yes. It's a global conspiracy.
  • My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily. I think he's full of s**....
  • Did you hear how latex gloves were invented? c**... companies realized they could increase production 10x if they used their hands instead.
  • Putting dogs on product packaging increases sales by up to 25%. Unless you are trying to sell tires or s**... toys.

Salary Increase Jokes

Here is a list of funny salary increase jokes and even better salary increase puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • One Day Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male s**... o**... for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."
Increase joke, One Day

Cheerful Fun Increase Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about increase you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean expand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make increase pranks.

The teacher asked Johnny, "What is s**...?"
Johnny stood up and said: "s**... is a temptation caused my a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase the population of the next generation"
The teacher stared at him and fainted.

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Jewish ad campaign

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.

Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.

Mental illness is on the increase...

At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

Jim and his s**... life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother

A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

A recent study shows that m**... twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.

An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought

It's a growing problem.

A man goes to see a film alone...

...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
 
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
 
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
 
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."

I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

Unlike Jesus, I did not have a v**... birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a v**... death

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a s**....

If you let her have more she might s**... it too.

Scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected.

No one seems to care.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a s**... by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably s**... it as well.

A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...

The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.
She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.
The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"
The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."
After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"

The s**... position known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to inflation, the cost of eating out has increased.

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

Me: I can't believe it increased by 1500%.

Professor: I'm sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.
Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...

A woman is in a coma in hospital

The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

My s**... life just got a whole lot better...

Frontier increased my download speed from 1.5Mbs to 15.

A teacher asked her class "What is s**...?"

Johny got up and said:
"s**... is a *temptation*
Caused by a *sensation*
Where a boy sticks his *location*
Into a girls *destination*
To increase *population*
For the next *generation*
Did you get my *explanation*
Or so you need a *demonstration?*"
The teacher fainted then.

So they say m**... regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.

What do we want?

Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:
British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?
Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display.
''I have good news and bad news'' the owner replied.
''The good news is that a gentleman enquired if your paintings will increase in value after your death. When I told them they would, he bought all the 15 paintings hanging here!''
''That's wonderful!'' the artist exclaimed, ''What's the bad news?''
''The bad news is that the guy was your doctor''

Man informs the bank 3months after his credit card got hacked

OC: Why didn't you inform us as soon as you came to know you card got hacked?
Man: Because the thief was spending less than my wife did.
OC: So why inform us now?
Man: The spending rate has 4x increased, seems like the thief's wife has started using it

"What do we want???"

"Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!!!"
"When do we want it???"
"When do we want what???"

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.

At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..

..to find exactly 32 of them.

A man requested a female painter to paint him in the n**....

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.
"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."

The Kardashians go for a swim in the pacific ocean

The percentage of plastic in the ocean increases by 400%.

Two men are sitting next to one another on a plane...

The o**... is doing a crossword puzzle and is growing increasingly agitated.
Need any help? , says the guy on the aisle.
Thanks. I need a four letter word for a female, ending in 'unt' .
Aunt?
Wow! Thanks!
No problem. Anything else?
Um... you wouldn't happen to have an eraser, would you?

"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder...

...why did he wait so long?

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

Alligators can live up to 100 years

Which is why they have an increased chance of seeing you later

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

Artist: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery owner: When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!
Artist: "Oh! That's amazing! Who bought them?
Gallery owner: Your doctor.

How to increase your strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
—Beverly g**...

Spaces between ladder rings have gradually been increasing over the years.

Manufacturers claim its due to climb it change.

Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.

This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

That's disgusting...

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a Big disappointment."

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They've begun using a lettered grading scale:
As are the most rare of purebred koi's
Bs are the more common variety purebred koi's
Cs are mix/hybrid koi's
Everything else are D koi's

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:
Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

My local council decided to build road signs saying "Avoid Distractions".

There's been an increase in car accidents ever since.

Study shows that...

Study shows that if you say 'study shows that' before saying a statement, people are 56% more likely to believe you and this number can increase to 71% if you add a random statistical data and to further amp up this number to 82.3% you can include decimals in that number as well.

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

Increase joke, I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

jokes about increase