Cheerful Fun Increase Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Jewish ad campaign
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
I sent off half a score of jokes into a competition to increase my chances to win..
Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
Mental illness is on the increase...
At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.
Unemployment
the hardest thing about the increase in unemployment for me is, i cant screw my girlfriend when her husband's always home!
A painter got a call...
from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."
I entered a joke contest and to increase my chances of winning I submit 10 jokes....
Unfortunately I didn't win, no pun in ten did...
Aladdin's lamp
Husband: I found Aladdin's lamp today. Wife: Wow! What did you ask? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Aww. Love you dear. Did he do it? Husband: He said multiplication doesnt apply to zero.
Getting hit by a sound wave a couple of times won't affect you. Increase the frequency however...
And it hertz
SPOILER ALERT:
I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.
What is the cause of an increase in s**... desire in young men?
w**...-moans
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What's the similarity between Chris Brown being released and Pokemon Go being released?
An increase in battery cases.
1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin
Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".
The strangest thing happened to me on the train today.
Found a book titled How to increase your Memory Power left behind on a seat.
Now, that's irony!
What's the similarity between light beer and having s**... in a canoe?
They both increase the risk of drowning.
If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll increase taxes, he'll increase borders...
And the population of Canada.
Hear about the lazy baker who wanted a pay increase?
He rarely kneeded the dough.
When I asked my girlfriend what car she was going to buy...
She said, "I don't know. I just want something that gets me from A to B."
She's so s**.... No car is going to increase her cup size.
My friend told me about a new supplement to radically increase your muscle growth...
I told him "no way!" and he replied "actually it's all whey."
Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped?
Demeter wasn't working.
I told her to get some of those pills that increase a girls s**... drive...
...she came home with diet pills for me instead
Depression in Mexico
There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.
Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?
For example: 5 equals 5, but
5! equals 120.
A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor
Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.
What happens when the stupidest Norwegian moves to Sweden?
The average IQ of both countries increase.
Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?
I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!
Even though I've had a steady income and have been paying all my bills on time for a while, Visa still doesn't trust me enough to increase my limit.
They don't give me enough credit.
Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
President Mugabe not dead, doctors say
There was no significant increase in brain activity
The sea complained to the river that the recent increase in erosion was causing more silt and mud and sand to settle on the seabed.
The river replied: "My sediments exactly."
How do you make a vegan happy?
Give them a celery increase
A guy goes to a job interview.
At the end of the interview the boss says:
-We will hire you, but you will start at the minimum salary. Later on it will increase.
The guy replied:
-Ok! Then I guess I'll see you later!
The government has developed a program to increase the dancing skills of the vice president...
They used an Al Gore Rhythm....
Me: I can't believe it increased by 1500%.
Professor: I'm sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.
Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...
Tried to increase the "black noise reduction" on my PS3
But Chris Tucker is still yelling at me
Why was abolishing the one-child policy in China morally controversial?
It led to an increase of youth in Asia
Today I opened the door to some Jambalaya's Witnesses
They asked if I would like to take a moment to buy some Cajun sauce to increase my chances of salivation.
I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales.
Buy one, get another one free.
I heard if you increase the yellow and red on your screens
You get **orange in all content**
You're welcome.
Due to an increase of home invasions in Paris
The number of people sleeping with a white flag beside their bed has spiked drastically
A teacher asked her class "What is s**...?"
Johny got up and said:
"s**... is a *temptation*
Caused by a *sensation*
Where a boy sticks his *location*
Into a girls *destination*
To increase *population*
For the next *generation*
Did you get my *explanation*
Or so you need a *demonstration?*"
The teacher fainted then.
Did you hear how latex gloves were invented?
c**... companies realized they could increase production 10x if they used their hands instead.
So they say m**... regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.
I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.
I think my shampoo is making me fat...
...it says guaranteed to increase the Volume
They say the value of something increases when you shout it out...
5 = 5
5! = 120
Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation.
Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the orce of attraction.
Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.
What do we want?
Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
If you want to be more successful, increase the number of women.
What is the difference between a schoolyard bully and an environmentalist?
Nothing. They both want to increase attacks on minors.
How do you increase a woman's liberty ?
By enlarging the kitchen.
Congratulations EU
No news articles about being visited by the truck of peace or your astonishing increase of women being r**... yet.
Why did the clown increase his prices for balloons he already filled with air?
Because of inflation.
Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth?
Yes. It's a global conspiracy.
Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,
Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.
My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs
So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.
In France it's legal to marry someone dead.
On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of s**....
The Artist
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display.
''I have good news and bad news'' the owner replied.
''The good news is that a gentleman enquired if your paintings will increase in value after your death. When I told them they would, he bought all the 15 paintings hanging here!''
''That's wonderful!'' the artist exclaimed, ''What's the bad news?''
''The bad news is that the guy was your doctor''
"What do we want???"
"Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!!!"
"When do we want it???"
"When do we want what???"
Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.
A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp...
Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling?
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time?
Djinnflation
A man requested a female painter to paint him in the n**....
"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.
"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."
"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder...
...why did he wait so long?
A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.
He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be $20. So on and so forth."
Suddenly, a student in the crowd yelled, "How much for a season pass?"
Why did the gymnast become a body builder?
To increase flex-ability
So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.
They now have to use a low ha
My boss said I was going to see a big increase on my Payslip this month...
... He increased the font size.
One Day
Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male s**... o**... for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."
Artist: How are my paintings selling?
Gallery owner: When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!
Artist: "Oh! That's amazing! Who bought them?
Gallery owner: Your doctor.
How to increase your strength
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
—Beverly g**...
With all the increases in computer processing and storage...
You would think Microsoft would have released ExExcel by now.
Why should you never, ever increase the frequency of a wave?
Cos it Hertz a wave's feelings
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.
A county official noticed an increase in the town's birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it's too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…
Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.
They've begun using a lettered grading scale:
As are the most rare of purebred koi's
Bs are the more common variety purebred koi's
Cs are mix/hybrid koi's
Everything else are D koi's
My local council decided to build road signs saying "Avoid Distractions".
There's been an increase in car accidents ever since.
