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Including Jokes

79 including jokes and hilarious including puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about including that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Including Short Jokes

Short including jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The including humour may include short included jokes also.

  1. Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
  2. My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new. Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
  3. Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman
  4. Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package... My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.
  5. The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence, Kathy.
  6. What I hate most about this sub: What I hate most about this sub:
    -When people include the title in the first line.
  7. "Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said. As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.
  8. car service outrage I recently paid $300 for a limousine and I just found out the fee doesn't include a driver.
    I can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
  9. Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful. Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour
  10. So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod. Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.

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Including One Liners

Which including one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with including? I can suggest the ones about contained and depending.

  1. I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.
  2. LPT: When Googling Gary Oldman always make sure to include the 'R'
  3. I totally understand how batteries feel... I'm rarely ever included in things either.
  4. How do you exclude a Christian? Include everybody like Jesus would do.
  5. How are LGBTQ folks like batteries? Usually, they are not included.
  6. I know pretty well how batteries must feel I'm rarely ever included in things either.
  7. I feel like a battery because I am not included in anything :(
  8. I have a lot in common with batteries... I'm also never included
  9. I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email He replied, CC
  10. America is a free country! Shipping fees not included.
  11. A friend asked me if every sentence has to include a vegetable I said not nessacelery
  12. It's okay batteries No one includes me either.
  13. Today I realized that I am like batteries. I'm never included in anything, either.
  14. I know how batteries feel... I'm rarely included in things either.
    (Shamelessly stolen)
  15. Is there a word that contains all the vowels, including Y? Unquestionably.

Including joke, Is there a word that contains all the vowels, including Y?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about including can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of including puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Gather Around for Fun Including Jokes and Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about including you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean involving jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make including prank.

I heard h**... are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Medical School Entrance Exam...

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."


Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.
The rest ended up in Congress.

"The total cost would be £3000," said the f**... director.

"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a v**... Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Ferrari

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20
years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

A biker walks into a bar

and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.

My girlfriend and I had a threeso last night...

It's like a t**... but it didn't include me.

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

Relaxing location

While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.

There's a s**... new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.
'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'
Miss Campbell blushes and yells:
'Out!'
Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:
'Not you... the others!'

There's an email going around that claims to include a n**... photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a n**... photo of Hillary Clinton.

What letter do pirate's hate the most?

Dear Charter Internet Customer:

Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.

A Blonde calls tech support

She is told that in order to get help, they need her password.
She says that the password is "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had chosen such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:
1: Religion
2: Sexuality
3: Mystery
Below is the only A* essay.
"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His f**... has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product

I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.
So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.

The blonde's password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

The Greatest s**... Culture . . .

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ".
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented s**...!"
The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was the Italians who included women."

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

I've been married for 24 years. The wife told me the older I get, the more h**... that I am.

I told her that is not true. I just include her in my plans more often.

Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of s**... drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: Protection?
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?
Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**
When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

An unintentional dad joke from my 5 yr old son…

Yesterday, my son found a set of Hotel Transylvania stuffed toys at a children's consignment event. He squealed and was jumping up and down, he was so excited. But then all of a sudden he got a dejected look on his face. One is missing, he said. I asked what he meant. I don't see the invisible man.
Even after we discussed it, he kept insisting they could have at least included the glasses.

My 7 year old organically made this up!

Super Bowl halftime show, watching with my wife and boys, wife says The halftime show is a bunch of rappers from the 80's and 90's, including Eminem, I really like him.
7 year old: Mn'Ms are good, but I like Skittles better
Wife: Not the candies silly, the rapper!
7 year old: Why would you just eat the wrappers!?

Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.

This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back

My final work dad joke

I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.

"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.

Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.
He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."
That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my way to Canada.

Super Bowl tickets

Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl. They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the same day as his wedding.
If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's Church on North Avenue at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley and she is 5'5 and about 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"

How can you be polite to a pregnant woman?

By including the child in the greeting.
What is exaggerated politeness?
By shaking the child´s hand too.

My wife always said,

If anything ever happens to her, I need to move on, find someone new and just forget about her when I'm ready.
Turns out 'anything' didn't include getting stuck in traffic on her way home from work...

Rich Twocock went to the court to change his name.

He filled up all necessary forms and gave a lengthy explanation about how everybody tell jokes about his name, including his family members and friends. The judge finally accepted his request and at the end of the interview session asked him: what other name do you want to have ?
He answered: I want to become Eric Twocock.

Study shows that...

Study shows that if you say 'study shows that' before saying a statement, people are 56% more likely to believe you and this number can increase to 71% if you add a random statistical data and to further amp up this number to 82.3% you can include decimals in that number as well.

Including joke, Study shows that...

jokes about including

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these including jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.