Incident Jokes
86 incident jokes and hilarious incident puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about incident that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
It's never an easy situation when an incident occurs, but Incident Jokes can help to lighten the mood. This article covers the unfortunate miscues, mishaps, and fiascos that are part of incident response and management, showing that even in the most serious of situations, humor can be found.
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Funniest Incident Short Jokes
Short incident jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The incident humour may include short occasion jokes also.
- I got fired from my job as a masseur. There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
- Chernobyl Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?
He thought the Russians were just "overreacting." - Did you hear about the guy that was injured in the freak peek-a-boo incident? He had to be put in the icu
- My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents.
- Why do British people pronounce it "bri'ish"? Because after the incident in Boston, they always hide the t
- Two brewers made a joke about drowning in beverage. You wouldn't understand it. It's an in-cider joke.
- Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident Soo Yoo
- I dropped the thanksgiving dinner and caused a geopolitical incident. The fall of Turkey. The splattering of Greece. And the breaking up of China.
- TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.
- What's the country with the highest incidence of mid-leg infection in the entire world? Germany
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Incident One Liners
Which incident one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with incident? I can suggest the ones about collision and impact.
- Why didn't 4 get involved in the 789 incident? He was 2²
- Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris? it's all over the French press
- I've had a bungee jumping incident But I'm sure I'll bounce back
- Did you hear about the milk incident at the farm? It was udderly disgusting
- What do you call shy bladder incidents? Frozen pees
- Lost both my arms in an accident. The whole incident left me utterly humerless.
- Why is the Chernobyl incident so funny? I mean, it doesn't even radiate happiness.
- It's been 105 years since the Titanic incident. Let that sink in.
- A strange death incident occurred in the hospital. He died of poison IV.
- Chuck Norris stopped playing golf after that unfortunate incident with the dinosaurs.
- The incident in France has taught me something... It's not a very Nice place.
- There was a groping incident at work. I apologized but they fired me anyways.
- About the nightclub incident... I heard it was to die for.
- My mom was supposed to die in the 9/11 incident.. I think
- Anthony Jeselnik - That whole Ray Rice elevator incident... took him to the lowest level.
Happy Incident Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about incident you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean encounter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make incident pranks.
Italian cruise ship captain caught fleeing
The Italian captain of the tragic cruise ship incident was caught at customs trying leave the country. He disguised himself as an Italian women dressed in high heels, a red polkadot dress complete with a wig and red liptick. He was busted because he forgot to add the mustache!!
Kim Kardashin flour b**... incident
Police called off the search for the person who flower bombed Kim Kardashin.
They learned it was just Lindsey Lohan sneezing
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.
Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.
A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.
Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Between the Boko Haram schoolgirl abductions and the recent Malaysia Airlines incidents...
I'm starting to doubt if we'll ever see an intact black box ever again.
While cooking dinner this happened.
I was making stir fry and opened a bag of peas. One pea gets lose and rolls off the counter. It was like slow motion as I watched it hit floor and roll under the stove. I turned to my wife who also witnessed the incident and said: "We have an escape pea." ...got a laugh
Did you hear about the mishap at the Asia Summit?
The Chinese government is seeking answers after the recent Beijing Conference. Apparently, several of Obama's and Putin's private bodyguards were the last to use one of the royal toilets before it was reported clogged.
Obama announced that he will ask congress to create a commission to investigate the incident while Putin denies that his forces ever entered the bathroom.
Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."
By a curious co-incidence, kurt cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."
Fed up with all the denouncements, God finally decides to appear in front of an atheist...
To show that he is the Allmighty and omnipotent and put the heretic to his place, God asks the atheist for one wish that he *will* grant.
Atheist, after a careful consideration, replies:
"Erase my memory of this incident."
The Trump campaign is advising supporters over 45 who want to shake the candidate's hand to bring along their reading glasses.
After a few incidents.
Some ladies were sitting in a park..
Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.
One day he observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incident that happened.So he went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is silent today?"
The lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
Those childhood days(real incident)
I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously
Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.
Dwarf Incident
I rear ended a car this morning...
I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
3 Texas men missing while duck hunting found dead.
The incident is under investigation, but officials do not expect fowl play.
A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life
Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?
Mom: Boeing
Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Mom: Be silent you idiot
Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing
P.S: Based on a true incident
A sad day indeed
About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.
The entire United Airlines incident could've been avoided...
if someone had offered a Pepsi.
The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of...
the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.
In light of the recent fentanyl incidents. Who would have thought the solution to the war on drugs...
Was just stronger drugs???
Colorado Springs police are looking for the 'Mad p**...'.
The jogger is suspected in a s**...-and-run incident. She's been declared public enemy number two. So far they've been unable to flush her out.
Two cops speeding to an incident
The officer driving asks his partner to check if the lights on the roof are working.
His partner sticks his head out of the window and then replies,
"......yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no......"
Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their s**... assault incidents?
They were feeling Spacey.
Wife calls husband about major traffic incident
A wife calls her husband whilst he is driving and says be careful I've just heard a traffic report about a car going the wrong way on the motorway! And the husband gets confused and asks one car? There's hundreds!
There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.
As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.
Did you guys hear about the boy who got decapitated in a water slide incident?
On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line.
(Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
I drank a bunch of Angry Orchard and called my broker
I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading
The incident at the Cemetery.
It was summer. Jake went on a stroll. Soon he arrived at a cemetery. There, he saw a woman, sitting on a grave.
He asked, "Sitting on someone's grave, alone in the cemetery, aren't you scared?".
Woman, " Scared? Of what? It gets hot inside, so I just got out for air."
Did you hear about that incident last week with the perforated paper?
It was just tearable.
Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.
Distraught and rather angry and disheartened besides, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That's your problem right there. You have your feet too far apart.
Son: Dad, what's the most unforgettable incident in your life ?
IT Dad: Son, its INC0000038764. Took me forever to resolve.
Happy father's day !!
A man was shot earlier today with a starter's p**...
Police suspect the incident was race related.
I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to s**... a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...
Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...
After the recent incidents regarding 737 MAX airplanes Boeing should definitely rebrand.
b**... is much more fitting.
An old man goes to see his doctor
An old man goes to see his doctor. During his examination, the old man says that God is watching over him. He says that during the night, he went to the bathroom. When he opened the door, the light opened and when he closed the door, the light turned off.
Perplexed, the doctor asks the old man's wife about the incident. After telling her the story, she says :
"Oh no! Don't tell me he peed in the fridge again!"
My worklog: Changed a lightbulb
My manager's worklog: single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.
Two men are hunting in the woods...
One of them tries to shoot a bear, but misses and ends up being mauled by the bear. After the incident, as he is "bear"ly holding on to life the othe runs over and calls 911. "Help my friend and i were hunting and he got mauled by a bear, I think he's dead! " The woman on the phone responds "well we would love to help, but first can you make sure he's dead"....*BANG!!!!* .... " ok he's dead, what do I do next"
If you keep a rocket in your home
the chances of having a household incident go through the roof
How would you write I changed a light bulb on your resume?
Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.
The devil strolls into a church
Everybody starts screaming and running out, the priest almost falls as he jumps over the altar. One old man remains seated seemingly completely unphased by the incident. The devil booms "YOU MUST BE BLIND OLD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" The man replies, "Not really worried brother... I married your sister"
A wake for my mother-in-law
Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"
"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"
"Oh, No!" says the first man. "So were the people there to pay their final respects?"
"No," says the second man. "Once news started to spread about the incident, men from all over the county started coming over asking if they could borrow my mule."
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...
... and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.
Did you hear about the guy who was run over in a freak steamroller incident in a printing shop?
He made quite a splash across the headlines, but left a good impression on paper
Badoom pssshhh
A snail went to the police station
A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged
When he got to the front desk he said
excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises
The officer said
can you describe the incident
The snail said
no officer sorry , it happened so fast
A tortoise is crossing the road when he is robbed by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask the tortoise if he can identify the culprits.
The tortoise, still shaking from the incident, cries 'It all happened so fast!'.
Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?
to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading
Mayonnaise
In 1912, the Titanic sank and everyone still talks about it to this day.
But only weeks after the incident, another ship fell victim to the harsh ocean. This was a large cargo ship that contains various products that were supposed to be delivered to Mexico, among them were sugar, coffee beans, but the bulk of the shipment comprised of mayonnaise. You see, Mexicans love mayonnaise. That's why when it happened on a sad day in May 5th, the whole mexican wept for the fallen sailors and the delicious products they were supposed to enjoy.
Since then, the day of mourning came to be: >!Sinko De Mayo!<
Johnny Depp claims amber heard or her friend pooped on his bed
This incident surely left a stain in their relationship...
I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.
One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.
A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.
"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.
The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."
The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you holding binoculars?"
"How else do you expect me to find my parachute?" he asked.
How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one:
Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.
After a freak accident; Zlatan, Messi and Ronaldo enter the kingdom of heaven.
Messi is first to be judged by the lord, God looks upon Messi and says "Messi, you shall sit on my right side" and Messi takes his rightful place.
Ronaldo is next up and God tell him "Ah, Ronaldo, You shall be seated at my left side for eternity"
Then Zlatan walks up and says "Move over, you are in my spot"
