Inches Jokes
139 inches jokes and hilarious inches puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about inches that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tickle your funny bone with this hilarious collection of inch jokes! With jokes about 6 inches, 9 inches, a footlong and ounces alongside jokes about height, you'll be sure to find the perfect joke for your next conversation.
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Funniest Inches Short Jokes
Short inches jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The inches humour may include short centimeters jokes also.
- I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
- I had my leg x-rayed today. The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷" - What did kate middleton find out on her wedding night? That not all rulers are twelve inches long
- Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.
- So far we have four inches of snow on the ground. Or as my husband would say...seven inches.
- What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.
- Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men? Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"
- Why does an elephant have four feet? Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.
- It only takes 3 inches to please a woman. And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.
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Inches One Liners
Which inches one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with inches? I can suggest the ones about pounds and 2 inch.
- There once was a king who was 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but a great ruler.
- You know Apple is run by men... when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.
- What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
- It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman. Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.
- Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
- Looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.
- The ladies call me subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
- Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy? A $100 dollar bill.
- Let's hear it for snow!.. The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
- America is converting to metric units... inch by inch.
- Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot..
- What's 18 inches long and never gets used? Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.
- You give Americans an inch... And they'll invent their own metric system.
- Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches. That's Horatio of 3:1.
- I told her, "It might not be 12 inches.." But it sure smells like a foot.
Inches Long Jokes
Here is a list of funny inches long jokes and even better inches long puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How is a man like a snowstorm? You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
- My dad told me that the future was in my hands Didn't know that the future was 9 inches long
- When is a hand a foot? When it is 12 inches long
- My friend gave me a new "magic" golf ball. As long as you put to within 3 inches of the pin, the ball will always find its way to the hole.
He did not recommend I keep it in my back pocket. - What is 6 inches long and every man wishes he had more of it? Dollar bills
- What is 4 inches long and expands when there's a women in a running shower? A sponge
- Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They're over two feet
- I'm going to make a Sherlock Holmes game that is 12 inches long. I'm going to call it
The Games A Foot. - Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow? She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.
- Why couldn't Pinocchio's nose ever grow to be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot
Inches Tall Jokes
Here is a list of funny inches tall jokes and even better inches tall puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you guys heard of the king that was only a foot tall? He was a 12 inch ruler.
- What do you call a dead man that was only 12 inches tall? One foot in the grave.
- How tall are you cowboy? I'm six feet and seven inches, ma'am. Let's forget about the six feet and talk about your seven inches.
- A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh? Meat
- The problem with dating a model... ... is that she's only 5 inches tall and I have to paint her myself.
- Why was the king only ten inches tall? He wasn't a very good ruler.
- Behind the counter of a sweet shop stood pretty Cathy, who was six feet tall and 15 inches wide. What did she weigh? Sweets.
- Q: Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
A: King David because he was only 12 inches tall as he was a ruler. - If a butcher is 6 feet tall, wears size 9 shoes and has a 38 inch waist, what does he weigh? Meat.
Inches Length Jokes
Here is a list of funny inches length jokes and even better inches length puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler It was a foot race
Inches Thick Jokes
Here is a list of funny inches thick jokes and even better inches thick puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There's 4 and a half inches of light snow outside ...or as most the men on Tinder would have me believe, 8 inches and really thick.
6 Inches Jokes
Here is a list of funny 6 inches jokes and even better 6 inches puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Subway to release a statement next week In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.
- I'll take a 6 inch Meatball marinara on Italian herbs and cheese please Actually, make it a 6 inch Spicy Italian on Herbs and cheese.
[EDIT] Sorry, wrong sub - My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4 and is over in 2 minutes.
- What do the weather man and every other man have in common? They say it's going to be 10 inches, then end up only being 4 to 6.
- I had a date with a six foot, eight inch drag queen I found on Craigslist. Boy was I disappointed when I discovered he was 6'8
- 6 inches is the size prefered by women, Source: I work at Subway.
- Do you know why women can't read a tape measure? Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.
- A recent survey says women prefer 4-5 inches over 6 inches and bigger, citing a "better fit" being one of the top reasons While preference between Android and iOS devices are evenly split.
- Jared may not get free subway for life anymore... But he will have no shortage of 6 inch or foot longs.
- Things not to say in Subway 1. I would like a 6-inch Hearty Italian.
2. 6-inch doesn't fill me up.
3. Yes, give me more meat.
4. Squirt more of that mayo.
5. I can't take a foot-long.
Uproarious Inches Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about inches you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean metres jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make inches pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!
Snow wife.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Snow in the forecast...
...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"
My Girlfriend's Hair
My girlfriend came home last night, crying, inconsolable. She had just gone to the hair salon and they cut her hair WAY too short, like, four inches too short. I said baby, what are you worried about? It'll grow back eventually. I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.
A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart...
...so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.
"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's 3 inches long and pleases all women?
A credit card.
Winter...
The only time of year when 8-12 inches is used to describe something white. (Up North)
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do women make bad engineers?
Their whole lives they have been told 5 inches is 8
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just before my girlfriend and I had s**... for the first time...
I told her I was gonna give her 9 inches. Just as long as she was willing to take 3 inch payments
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between the Seahawks and a cheap h**...?
The h**... won't choke on six inches.
Why are most weather forecasters men?
Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.
Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
The night before the wedding
The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.
"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.
"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"
"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"
"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.
"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.
The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is s**... like snow?
Because you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you measure a snake?
In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.
Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).
First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."
Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."
Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."
First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"
Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard l**...."
Apple is advertising the new iPhone as "The most powerful four inches ever."
I can't believe they stole my slogan.
What's 7 inches and makes women submissive?
A knife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What's 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend's t**...?
Her miscarriage.
I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"
"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.
Why did the weather man's wife leave him?
He promised nine inches but she only got three.
Whom do the inches follow?
Their ruler.
What do me and Subway have in common?
We both lie about it being six inches
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Any woman who thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach...
is aiming about ten inches too high.
What was the real reason Princess Di divorced Prince Charles?
She found out that not all rulers have 12 inches.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
My wife called me when I was out of town and told be about the 13 inches she got from Harvey last night.
I didn't know hurricanes could reach North Dakota...
What do Daenerys Targaryen and the North have in common?
Right now, they're both getting a few inches of Snow.
The Pope-mobile
Because nothing says "faith in God" more than 4 inches of bullet-proof glass...
A man gets a call from a divorce attorney
He says "I'm with your wife right now. She's taking all of it."
The man says, "Pssh. There's nothing to take!"
The attorney replies, "nine inches isn't nothing."
I'm no weatherman
But you can expect a few inches tonight
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a conversion from centimeters to inches?
an e**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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So I found out today that my partner has a f**...
Which is unlucky for me because I'm only 6 inches
A dwarf walks up to a lady and says...
I'm three foot and 10 inches...
And those are two different measurements!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...
There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.
The width of a milk jug is 5.5"
Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches
93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,6**...,6**...,6**... Feet
Divided by 5280
1,475,694,444 Miles
Divided by 93,000,000 miles to get Astronomical Units
You get 15.8 AU's.
You're so fat, that even though Florence is dropping 17 trillion gallons of rain, It's still not enough to get to Uranus.
I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...
"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: d**...! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!!
Wife: If I don't complain about a few inches, neither should you.
I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.
But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the f**... I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...
... I guess you could say I've taken up his mantel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your b**...!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Heck is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied... "It's not talcum powder... it's Miracle Grow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Living in the northeast, I don't normally get mad about snow.
But this snitch a**... weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches
Coz then it would be a foot
Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was working in the ER today
This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your n**...". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...
Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car c**... occurred missing the man by a few inches.
The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.
Then just a minute later he hears someone yelling "STOP" and he stopped, just a few seconds later a stray tire crashed into a shop missing the man by mere inches again.
The man now fully frustrated yells back "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED!?".
Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.
Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.
Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.
The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "
Her mother calmly replied :" Your father has only 6 inches ."
Why are fire trucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russians are red, and fire trucks are always russhing around
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes
That's why they were called rulers.
A man walks up to a chiropractor
and says, doc my back is fine!
the chiropractor then proceeds to crack his back in several places. Afterwards, the man feels relief and is standing several inches taller. He says I stand corrected
I used to work in an art supply store.
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
