Inches Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night?

That not all rulers are twelve inches long

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.

Sex with a weatherman must suck.

Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Then it'll be a foot.

I'm so sorry.

Just before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time...

I told her I was gonna give her 9 inches. Just as long as she was willing to take 3 inch payments

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men?

Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

Why are most women bad at parking?

Because they have been constantly lied to about what 6 inches are

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.

The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

Looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night

Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.

It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.

Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.

The ladies call me Subway.

Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.

What's the difference between the Seahawks and a cheap hooker?

The hooker won't choke on six inches.

Let's hear it for snow!..

The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.

What's 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend's throat?

Her miscarriage.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 4 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

How is a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Ladies call me Subway...

because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

Apple is advertising the new iPhone as "The most powerful four inches ever."

I can't believe they stole my slogan.

What's six inches and not getting sucked today

Whitney Houston's crackpipe

My dad told me that the future was in my hands

Didn't know that the future was 9 inches long

Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot..

You know why women are bad at parking?

Because they are constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.


~*Badum tss*~

What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide and it drives the ladies wild?

Yup, you guessed it a 100 bill

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."

Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."

First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"

Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard licker."

The night before the wedding

The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.

"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.

"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"

"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"

"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.

"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.

The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"

What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"

"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.

What's 9 inches long,pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth

Her miscarriage

Truck driver and couple

A truck driver sees a couple making love in the road up ahead. He honks his horn to make them get up out of the way, but they keep at it. He keeps honking, but they stay there, so he slams on the brakes to keep from hitting them. He stops inches from them, gets out of the cab, and by then they had rolled apart, satisfied.

He says to the man, "What's the matter with you? I kept honking but you didn't move. You trying to get killed?"

The man says, "I was coming, she was coming and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Why is sex like snow?

Because you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last..

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes a woman crazy?

$100 bill.

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

My Girlfriend's Hair

My girlfriend came home last night, crying, inconsolable. She had just gone to the hair salon and they cut her hair WAY too short, like, four inches too short. I said baby, what are you worried about? It'll grow back eventually. I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Why are women bad at parking?

Because they're consistently lied to about what 6 inches looks like.

Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches.

That's Horatio of 3:1.

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because six inches would never satisfy a female elephant.

Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

-Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

What do Daenerys Targaryen and the North have in common?

Right now, they're both getting a few inches of Snow.

As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."

What are the funniest inches jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Inches? Well, here are the best Inches puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Inches pick up lines to share with friends.

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