In The Dark Jokes

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.
The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!
Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."
The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."
The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.
Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."
The woman leaves. The man follows.
The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"
The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

Why isn't "dark" spelled a "c", instead of a "k"

Because you can't see in the dark.
You've all been wonderful.

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not a c?

Because everyone knows you can't c in the dark.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."
Relieved it was just a Parrot, and laughing, the thief asks the Parrot, "what's your name, Parrot?"
The Parrot replies, "My name is Moses."
Laughing again, the burglar asks, "Who would name their Parrot Moses?"
Parrot: "The same people who named their Doberman, Jesus."

God was handing out talents one morning

To some, He gave the power to create life. The angels around Him were in awe as crops flourished and population soared. To others, he gave fine skills and artistry. His angelic entourage marveled at intricate needlework, tapestry, and sculpture.
God stooped down low and found a man waiting in the darkness, just before dawn. He gave him the power to sprinkle water on the grass as the sun rose. The angels were confused. "You gave amazing abilities to all others. Can this one really care for himself with such a small talent?"
God simply replied, "He will learn to make dew."

How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb.

None. They just find light in the darkness.

My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."
I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"
"Found it"

2.000 light bulbs stolen

Investigators still in the dark

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

I don't really know about the effects of nocturnal drinking

I'm just taking a shot in the dark.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.
When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

You're not scared of being alone in the dark.

You're scared of not being alone in the dark.

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...

...I don't know what came over me.

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

We've got an aviary at home, Sadly one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark

How many people from Chernobyl does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They glow in the dark.

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn't turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber takes out his flashlight, and turns it on to see a parrot. He breathes a sigh of relief, and taunts by saying You're just a parrot. What are you going to do? The parrot responds I may be just a parrot, but Jesus is a Doberman.

I can't see very well in the dark

but on the bright side, I see just fine.

Soviet Factory

One compatriot who works in a factory suddenly decides to get a folding ladder, climbs to the top, and hangs upside down holding himself with his legs.
The factory officer notices, comes over to him, and says "what are you doing?"
He responds "I'm a light bulb".
The factory officer reponds "Uhh, clearly you are too tired, go home and rest!"
The worker climbs down and leaves for home.
A few seconds later, another worker stumbles towards the exit.
The officer says "Where are you going?"
and he responds "I can't work in the dark"

It took years for Thomas Edison to perfect the light bulb...

But that's because he was working in the dark.

What did one gargoyle say to the other in the dark?

Statue?

Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.

"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Politicians can't change lightbulbs, they will just leave everyone waiting in the dark while they argue about which brand the lightbulb ought to be.

NASA just reported they have lost contact with Voyager 1 after it crashed into something in the dark abyss of space

Apparently they found my ex's heart, which drains all energy.

How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.
Just kidding. It's actually [████████████████████](#s)

In the dark of night, I fear vampires, but, when the first light of day breaks, I wonder why I had ever been afraid

It's hard to take vampires seriously after Twilight.

How many Narcisists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
They don't believe in change.
They'd rather live in the dark.

I've been wondering what the eclipse looks like...

But I've been kept in the dark.

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn't afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

I've been experimenting recently with nighttime hunting

But I'm used to hunting in the daytime so this is just a shot in the dark

English teacher:

English teacher: Give me the opposite of this sentence: "Children in the dark make mistakes." Student: "Mistakes in the dark make children." Teacher: Get out.

An English teacher asks Little Johnny

Make an opposite of this sentence: 'Kids in the dark usually make errors.' - Little Johnny: Errors in the dark usually make children."

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.

Fear of the Dark

The recently concluded Father's Day made me recall that one time when I was a kid having trouble getting to sleep because I was afraid of the dark. My father said to me, "Son, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there when the lights are on - except for the occasional swarm of bats. So, g'night."

Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.

They never take a stab in the dark.

How do you find King Arthur in the dark?

With a knight light....

Why Weren't There Many Jokes in the Dark Ages?

No one could perform the execution well enough.

How do two Marines find eachother in the dark?

Very satisfying

What do you call a man riding a cow in the dark with only his socks on?

Married

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.
I think I sold my soul to Santa.
Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

How many Lutheran grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No, I'm fine, don't make a fuss over me. I'll just sit in the dark.

I never tell my blind wife what I'm planning for our anniversary.

She's used to being left in the dark.

I asked a girl out and suddenly the power went away...

In the dark, she said yes as the lights came back on.
You can say we started seeing each other after that.

This morning I woke up confused and in the dark.

Then it dawned on me.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend at the bar, but the lights suddenly went out.

So I took a shot in the dark.

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God did not trust the British in the dark.

How do you tell a blonde from a brunette in the dark?

Just call out "can you hear me?" and listen for the reply "no, its too dark in here!"