In Soviet Union Jokes
130 in soviet union jokes and hilarious in soviet union puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about in soviet union that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest In Soviet Union Short Jokes
Short in soviet union jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The in soviet union humour may include short in soviet russia jokes also.
- Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece
- Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual? Because they were afraid of Stalin.
- My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union. And for me, that's a major red flag.
- Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.
- My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay. I got full marx.
- Why didn't the Soviet Union publish any Where's Waldo books? It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.
- Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government. Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.
- What do you call a Russian Wedding? A soviet union.
Dont hate me if this is a repost. Its my first post - If you go into someone's home And they have a former Soviet Union banner hanging on the wall,
That's a big red flag. - Comrade Stalin announced that the Soviet Union would be transitioning back to a Monarchy But he was just being Tsar-castic
Share These In Soviet Union Jokes With Friends
In Soviet Union One Liners
Which in soviet union one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with in soviet union? I can suggest the ones about soviet union and soviet russia.
- Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car? They kept Stalin.
- Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union... then that's a red flag
- The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars. Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
- What do you call a Russian marriage? A Soviet Union
- We should get all the ex-soviet states back together Then we could have a Soviet Re-Union
- Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics
- What game were children actually encouraged to play in the Soviet Union? ISpy
- What was the Soviet Union's favorite videogame system? The Nintendo We
- I had this great joke about the Soviet Union... But it just fell apart in the end.
- Why didn't the Soviet Union work? Because it had a few red flags.
- Attended my russian Friends wedding It was quite a soviet union
- Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn't use land mines, They used land ours.
- Travis Scott went to the Soviet Union He went sickle mode
- What happens when an austrailian moves to the soviet union? A Czechmate
- What was the Soviet Union's favourite bird? Josef Starling.
Uproarious In Soviet Union Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about in soviet union you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soviet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make in soviet union pranks.
'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke
One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"
Another Soviet Joke
In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.
"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"
Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."
"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"
"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."
"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.
"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"
Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."
Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"
Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."
In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share
Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and he drove. Meanwhile the police were given strict orders to ticket anyone speeding no matter how important. So they were speeding down Moscow and two motorcycle cops pulled them over but didn't ticket him after he saw who it was. He goes back to the station and talks about it and was asked, "Why didn't you ticket him? "Too important." "Who was it?" "I didn't recognize him, but his driver was Gorbachev!"
Jokes from glorious motherland USSR
A man is walking along the road wearing only one boot. 'Did you lose a boot?' a passerby asks sympathetically. 'No, I found one,' the man answers happily.
What is it that doesn't knock, growl or scratch the floor? A machine made in the USSR for knocking, growling, and scratching the floor.
It is the middle of the night. There is a knock at the door. Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door. 'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'
A shopper asks a food store clerk, 'Are you all out of meat again?' 'No, they're out of meat in the store across the way. Here we're out of fish.'
Why doesn't the Soviet Union send people to the Moon? They are afraid they won't come back.
A man fell asleep on a bus. When someone stepped on his foot, he woke with a start and applauded. 'What are you doing, citizen?' 'I was dreaming I was at a meeting.'
'What is the difference between Pravda [Truth] and Izvestia [The News]?'
'There is no truth in The News, and no news in the Truth.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian man comes across an old v**... bottle
When he picks it up and opens it, a genie appears.
"Thank you so much for releasing me! Now let me do something for you. How would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?"
The man consents.
All of the sudden, he finds himself on a battlefield facing eight German tanks with eight grenades.
The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta
After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.
After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.
Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.
-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.
He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.
Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:
-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.
So I was watching an interview of Ronald Regan...
...and apparently he heard this joke from Gorbachev.
A Russian man living in the Soviet Union wants to buy a car. He goes through the application process and scrapes together enough cash, and after a few weeks goes to the town hall to pay. He gives the money the clerk tells him to come back and pick up his new car in ten years.
The man replies, "Morning or evening?"
The clerk says, "What difference does it make, it's in ten years!"
The man frowns and says, "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning."
Apologies if this has already been posted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
USSR jokes about America
My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:
So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.
Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.
When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"
The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"
The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"
"No black man speaks Russian!"
I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...
[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]
Have you tried Stalin bacon before?
*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*
Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
My favorite Joke about the Soviet Union
A old babushka is walking down the street and sees a little boy with only one shoe. She comes to him and asks, "Did you lose a shoe, poor boy?"
He replies, "No... I FOUND a shoe!"
A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today...
It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question.
"OK class." Said the American teacher, "If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"
Most of the children in his class answered with pretty much the same thing. "It's easy." Replied the class, "One child gets two oranges, the second gets a half, the third gets an eighth, the fourth gets nothing, and we keep the rest to throw at our enemies."
On the other side of the world, in Russia, the Soviet teacher asks the same to her own class.
"Students." She asked, "If I had three oranges, and had to distribute them fairly to four children, how many oranges will each child have?"
The Russian class asked their teacher "What are oranges?"
How were naval losses announced in the Soviet Union?
"Comrade Stalin, seven of our destroyers have been recommissioned as submarines!"
Meanwhile in the Soviet Union..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...
The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,
"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of v**...?"
"It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could."
"Could you do your job if you drank two cups of v**..."
"I guess I could."
"Could you do your job if you had three cups of v**...?"
"Well, I'm here, aren't I!?"
Why didn't the Soviet Union send Cosmonauts to the Moon?
In case they didn't want to come back.
Why didn't the Soviet Union invade the U.S.?
They were Stalin.
What do motors and the Soviet Union have in common?
Commutators
I asked a comedian what performing in the Soviet Union was like.
Apparently, back then, it was all about the execution.
Why was there no crime in the Soviet Union?
There was nothing worth stealing...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During the collapse of the Soviet Union...
... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.
**Survey man**: Where were you born?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
**Survey man**: Where do you live now?
**Woman**: Leningrad
**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
In the Soviet Union, you could tell a joke three times . . .
Once to your friend, once to the judge, and once to your cellmate
Can of sardines in Soviet Union
A man in the 80s in Soviet Union buys a can of sardines. He opens it and it's empty, but there is a little note in it:
"Not a winner"
The only reason the Soviet Union lasted a long time is because
They were just Stalin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... invaded the Soviet Union a year after France's surrender
Guess he wasn't Stalin around.
Hero of the Soviet Union
[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]
A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.
"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.
A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.
Why did the FAA ban flights to the Soviet Union in the 1940s?
They were afraid of Stalin.
Why did the person from the old soviet union major in communications?
Because he thought COM classes were RAD
TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.
Whoops, wrong sub.
The Soviet Union could have worked just fine, but the regime was dominated and swerved by political extremes
Next time we should seize the trimmed means of production.
Why did it take the Soviet Union such a long time to invade Germany?
They were Joseph Stalin.
Soviet beds
In soviet union, we do not have two person bed, we have the three person bed.
Why?
Because comrade lenin is always with you!
Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...
Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"
Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."
Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"
Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."
Soviet Joke
Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!
Potatoes For Everyone!
A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.
''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''
I saw a TV series about the Soviet Union
It was called "Destroy Build Destroy".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adam and Eve must have lived in the soviet union.
They had no clothes, no roof over their heads, the only food they had was an apple and the management was constantly telling them they were in paradise.
Why was everyone named Ezekiel in the Soviet Union?
Because everyone Ezekiel in communism.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Soviet Union we had old joke about Stalin
But you would die laughing if you heard it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the soviet union so ineffective?
Because it's leader was **Stall**in' but it's people were **Rush**an.
Why did the Soviet Union collapse?
Unfortunately, they failed to account for the "I" within communism.
I got an F on my test today.
It was about the Soviet Union.
My teacher says it's because I keep Russian through my tests.
What is the Flagship of the Soviet Union Called?
The USS R
Soviet Joke
Soviet Union, 1980. Lecturer in village talks about communism. Question from audience.
- Yes, comrade, what's your question?
- Will there ever be true communism?
- Yes, it's just on the horizon
- What's a horizon?
- An imaginary line that keeps moving away from you as you get closer to it.
Why was the leader of the Soviet Union unable to drive a car?
He would keep on Stalin it.
In the Soviet Union a man was sentenced to 50 years in prison for calling Nikita Khrushchev an idiot. 20 years for insulting him and 30 for giving away government secrets.
Woman stand in queue in Soviet Union for seven hours
When she go in - shop empty.
Woman: Oh - You have no fish?
Comrade shopkeeper: No, here is no meat. No fish - next door!
There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA
You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan
Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."
What was the tallest building in the Soviet Union?
KGB Headquarters. You could see Siberia from the basement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father?
**Stalin** says the child.
Who's your mother?
**Mother Russia**
What do you want to be when you grow up?
**An orphan!**
Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?
Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.
At the height of the Cold War...
At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?
They were all Russian, but one was Stalin
Note: made this up after being inspired by a recent joke on here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One v**..., please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve v**....
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
The Soviet Union never failed...
...it was so successful that they decided that they no longer needed each other
An old rabbi wants to leave the Soviet Union
So he goes to the emigration office. The clerk asks him why he wants to go.
Rabbi: There are two reasons. The first is that I'm afraid the Soviet Union will collapse someday. The people will then seek to blame someone for the crimes of Communism, and us Jews will become scapegoats once more.
Clerk: But this is nonsense, comrade. The Soviet Union can never fall.
Rabbi: Yeah, that would be the second reason.
I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union...
it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.
If you go to a friends house and they have a giant banner of the Soviet Union hanging in their room
That should be a red flag
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel? He nods.
Here in Russia, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
Why was the Soviet Union so uneducated?
Because they had no classes
What do you call an assassin from the Soviet Union?
assassRass
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...
You crane!
If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?
A constellation prize.
People from the former Soviet Union seem like they're either always in a hurry, or standing around loitering.
They're either Russian or Stalin'
Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?
Eating nothing = not eating animals
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You're dating a girl and go to her house.
Inside, she has the flag of the soviet union.
That's a big red flag!
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.
The farmer said Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God. The commissar stopped and said Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God! To which the farmer said Exactly, that's why there's no potatoes.
