In Russia Jokes

Americans are so s**..., it takes them a week to get the results.

We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.

The traffic jam in Russia.

There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist two: it's -40°
Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist two: Yes.

McDonalds has decided to close all operations in Russia

They're calling it a "no fry" zone.

A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is s**...! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"
At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be silent. You know, back in the bad old days, if you said such a thing aloud, well... you would have been shot. Just be glad things are different now."
So the man went home and his wife said "Were they out of sugar?"
And he said, "Yes! And also bullets!"

Russia is reportedly seizing Apple's assets in Russia with the intent to make a new vehicle.

They plan to call it the iVan.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.
He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?
Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.
Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.
Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.

A Comedian in Russia.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet p**......

Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him That's it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.

A young boy goes to his father in Russia

The boy asks "Papa, could I please have 5 rubles"
Papa is surprised and asks "20 rubles? Why do you need 50 rubles?"

The england football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

I asked out a Russian girl.....

I asked out a Russian girl, not with anything very serious in mind. She said yes.
However, on our first date, she insisted that we went to see a Russian movie, and then eat at a Russian restaurant. She then took me to see her Russian family, and told me about how she was going to take me to see the rest of her family in Russia.
At this point, I had to stop her. "Please", I said, "just stop Russian things!"

a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?
He nods.
Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!

In the 70s...

A Russian asks for a meeting with the President
\- I would like a passport and a visa to Belgium - asks the Russian man
\- But aren't you fine in Russia? - asks the president
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- So, maybe you don't like your work there?
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- Maybe it is the life there that you don't like?
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- Then it is socialism that doesn't satisfy you?
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- But now I'm confused. Excuse me but why do you want to go to Belgium? - asks the president
\- BECAUSE THERE I CAN FINALLY COMPLAIN!!!

How's life in Russia?

They can't complain

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane

The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.

The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"

saw a comedian in Russia making fun of Putin

The jokes weren't great, but I liked the execution

Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ?

Crimea River

Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia?

Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

A man in Russia was arrested for saying that Putin is an idiot and given a peculiar sentence to one year and fourteen days precisely in prison.

That's fourteen days for criticising the government, and one year for revealing a state secret.

France just did something that they couldn't do for a long time

They won something in Russia.

One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.
How are the carrots doing? Said the Diplomat.
Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever! Replies the farmer.
I see, and how are the beets?
Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he would cry with joy!
And what about the potatoes?
Sir, if we stacked the potatoes, they would be high enough to reach God!
The diplomat stares for a minute. But comrade, we don't believe in god.
Oh, good. Says the farmer. Because there are no potatoes.

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.

Why i love being Russian

I get to vote in the US election
FYI: I am actually British and never have stepped foot in Russia

Today's joke from Russian-language Internet

"You know, they've built a George Orwell memorial in Russia!"
'What? Where?"
"Pretty much everywhere."

At church in Russia they have Communionism.

Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

Russian freedom is not different to US freedom.

An american and a russian both praise their homeland.
\- Russian freedom is not different to US freedom.
The american says:
\-Now look, I could go right now in front of the white house and hold a protest against president Biden and nothing would happen to me.
\-My friend, it is exactly the same in Russia. The red square is open to all those who wish to protest against president Biden.

Two easy steps to become a millionaire

1: Be a billionaire
2: Set up businesses in Russia

Can a woman become president in Russia?

Putin: No, because I'm not a woman.

What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?

Internyet

I Was in Russia a few weeks ago

And I was watching a stand up comedian making jokes about Putin. To be honest I didnt really care for the jokes, but I liked the execution.

A boy in Russia asks his Grandpa...

Grandpa? asked a little boy, Is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Plant?
Yes, it's true, said the grandpa, and patted his grandson's head.
Is it also true that no one was harmed and there were no consequences whatsoever?
Yes, it's true, said the grandpa, and patted the grandson's second head.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin and communism

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife, "They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth."
He calls the guy and asks, "What's the weather like where you are?"
"It's around -20C I would say."
"I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C."
"Oh, well it might be outside."

What do you call a chamber p**... in Russia?

A p**...-tin

In America, you can always find a party.

In Russia, the Party can always find you.

I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle

So I say to my wife "It's raining" she quickly responds (looking to start a fight) "Actually, I think it's snowing".
This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
He glances over and replies, "raining, ofcourse".
I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, "See, Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"

They banned all McDonald's in Russia

That makes it a 'no fry' zone

In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President

People choose United States president

What's a Russian's favourite rapper?

50 Cent
Or as they say in Russia, 10 million rubles

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

A russian man was arrested...

A man in russia was arrested and sentenced to 25yrs in gulag.
He was sentenced 5yrs for saying gorbachev was an idiot, and a 20yr sentence for revealing state secrets.

In America, you go to recruitment office

In Russia, recruitment office go to you!

Netflix is launching in Russia, but with a very limited catalogue.

They're calling it Nyetflix.

A journalist asks a Russian soldier

- 'How is life in Russia?'
- 'I can't complain' said the soldier

Putin once said: I really like 50 cent

Or as we call him in Russia, 4 million ruble .

A newspaper kiosk in Russia

Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.
This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"
"An obituary"
"But they are way back in the newspaper."
"The one I'm looking for will be a headline"

The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia

- It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..
said one of the orphans.

What do they call a bedpan in Russia?

A p**... tin.

So, a Frenchman, an American and a Russian are at a car show.

Frenchman looks at the show car and says "we French also have good cars. At home we drive Citroen, but when we go abroad we drive the luxurious Renault".
The American agrees, and says "we also drive Ford pickups at home, but abroad we drive Cadillacs to impress".
The Russian thinks for a bit and says: "_da_, in Russia we drive Lada. In other countries, we drive T-72."

An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin

A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to h**...? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"

I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...

[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]
Have you tried Stalin bacon before?
*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*
Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.

Russian Condoms

One day the president of the largest c**... company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"

What happens to investigative journalists in Russia?

They're Putin jail

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Russia?

A wish.

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

What was Justin Timberlake's biggest hit in Russia?

Crimea River

1995: A Chinese Official is conversing with a Russian citizen...

...Chinese Official, "You have nothing in Russia."
Russian, "Oh yeah, we have Yeltsin."
Chinese Offical, "Then we will steal your Yeltsin.
Russian, "If you take Yeltsin you'll have nothing in China."
Disclaimer: This joke is not mine, it was told to my father during his stay in Russia in the year 1995.

Emmanuel Macron meets Putin and tells him...

"You lack freedom in Russia. In Paris, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them."
Putin gives him a basilisk stare and slowly says:
"In Moscow, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them, either."

Help, someone in Russia is trying to hack my phone

How do you pay for coffee in Russia?

With tsar bucks.