In Heaven Jokes
110 in heaven jokes and hilarious in heaven puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about in heaven that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short In Heaven Jokes
- In Heaven One Liners
- Lawyer In Heaven Jokes
- Nuns In Heaven Jokes
- More In Heaven Jokes
Funniest In Heaven Short Jokes
Short in heaven jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The in heaven humour may include short heaven jokes also.
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
- How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID? On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.
* - A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke. 8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."
- I don't understand Christians They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.
- Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery. He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.
- Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven? He heard it was a pair of dice.
Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent. - On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven." Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!
- Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven? When it dies it becomes immortal.
∞ - A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door. He looks down at the cat and snarls Egh, what is it now, in or out?!
- The anti pick-up line. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face"
I'd love to hear some of yours.
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In Heaven One Liners
Which in heaven one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with in heaven? I can suggest the ones about ascended heaven and getting into heaven.
- Billy Mays is in heaven now... Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.
- what does god light his cigarettes with? a match made in heaven .-.
- You know why the gates of heaven are always left open? Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
- So, a lawyer goes to heaven... Just kidding.
- Hey girl, did you fall from heaven? because you look like Satan himself
- Saved her contact as "Heaven on earth". Realized it was too long so I abbreviated it.
- A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Haha just kidding.
- I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me But no, she's still alive.
- Three politicians go to heaven. No, seriously, it could happen.
- What's the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise? Heaven ice day
- Why don't North Koreans go to heaven? because they have no Seoul
- "Did it hurt?" "What?"
"When you fell from heaven?"
"Did you just call me Satan?" - Why did the accordion player go to heaven? Because he’s got a lot of bellows!
- After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day." - How many guitarist does it take to play stairway to heaven? Apparently all of them
Lawyer In Heaven Jokes
Here is a list of funny lawyer in heaven jokes and even better lawyer in heaven puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A priest, a politician, and a lawyer walk into heaven... God immediately yells "NOPE, ALL OF YOU OUT, THIS ISN'T A JOKE!"
- A lawyer goes to Heaven Yeah right
- A lawyer died and went to heaven... It was opposite day.
Nuns In Heaven Jokes
Here is a list of funny nuns in heaven jokes and even better nuns in heaven puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a nun who's gone to Heaven? Nun of the above.
- What do you call a woman of the cloth up in heaven Nun of the above
- A nun died and went up heaven But It was the bus driver
Ridiculous In Heaven Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about in heaven you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nuns in heaven jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make in heaven pranks.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.
In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, "It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
why would you be a s**... bomber...
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
Two women are talking in Heaven
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...
Her teacher asked her "What's that?"
"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."
She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."
"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"
A husband leaves his money in the attic...
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."
The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven
On arrival in heaven, the Holocaust survivor tells God a Holocaust joke. God says, "that's not funny." The survivor replies, "ah, well, you had to be there."
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
Drunks
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's
Three men died and as soon as they arrive in heaven they meet Jesus
'To enter heaven you must do what I say' said Jesus
He goes to the first man:
'Fernand, kiss my hand, and you're free to go.'
the man kisses Jesus hand and enters the paradise
'Pete, kiss my feet and you're free to go.'
the man kisses Jesus feet and got into the golden gate
When Jesus goes to talk to the third one, he sees the man running away
'Hey Brock, why are you running?'
A nun was fired from her job in heaven...
A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."
Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven
They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"
An anti-vaxxer passes away...
...and finds herself in heaven. God himself greets her, shows her around and asks if she has any questions.
She says "Not about heaven, but was I right about vaccines?"
God laughed and said "No, vaccines are perfectly safe and should be administered to everyone".
The woman just can't believe it. She's absolutely distraught, until it finally dawns on her: this conspiracy must go even higher than I thought!"
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation.
Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.
Teach a man a joke and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke and they will repost it for a lifetime!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Its cake and y'all know the rules!
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
Obama walks into a bar.....
Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.
Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"
"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."
"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were t**... hotspots not too long ago?"
"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."
"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"
"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."
Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:
"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
Two women meet in heaven...
There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but, to her surprise, only found her husband sitting in the den reading a book. But convinced there was another women in the house, she frantically started destroying the house looking for the other women until she was so exhausted that her heart just stopped working. Amazed at the story, Lydia looks at Carol and says, "If you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor
A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"
God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
Two guys died in a car c**......
There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
A couple who were making wedding preparations die in a traffic accident.
When they arrive at heaven, the man finds an angel and explains the situation, asking if they could arrange a wedding in heaven or not.
-Let me have a look, the angel says.
After a few months, it comes back to the couple and tells them:
-Everything's set, you guys can marry.
The bride asks:
-What if we cannot get along and want to divorce, can you arrange that too?
The angel roars in rage:
-IT TOOK ME 4 MONTHS TO FIND A PRIEST IN HERE, HOW MANY MORE DO I NEED TO FIND A LAWYER DO YOU THINK?
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
On the back of u/baldillin
A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?
Why are there no female s**... b**...?
Good luck convincing a girl by telling her if she do it, she will meet 70 virgins in heaven.
So a man dies and goes to Heaven...
In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.
God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."
The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"
To which God tells him, "In a minute."
My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.
Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven.
A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."
Why was Louie Anderson clutching a fork when he died?
He heard they have Meat Loaf in heaven.
So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...
she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."
My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.
God and Moses
God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there?
God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!
Baseball
A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry
What’s the difference between an accordion heaven and hell? In heaven, the music is divine, and in hell, it’s an eternal polka party.
Today's Top Joke
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
Why are there no accordion players in heaven? They can’t get past Saint Peter’s “No Squeezeboxes” sign.
Two men die and arrived in heaven
Curious as to why others are here, they struck up a conversation.
Man 1: Bro how did you die?
Man 2: Due to cold, and you?
Man 1: I doubted my girlfriend with another guy, searched the entire house but found none. I felt too guilty and committed s**....
Man 2: Lol, I was in the fridge
A golfer went to a fortuneteller
He asked, "can you tell me if there are golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortuneteller entered a trance to ponder his question. After several minutes she responded- "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, the golf courses in Heaven are beautiful beyond any earthly imagination."
"That's wonderful!" said the golfer.
"And you'll be teeing off at eight-thirty next Friday."
Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.
Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."
Jesus: "Why?"
Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"
Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"
An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin
A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to h**...? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"
My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
What did God say when Joan of Arc arrived in heaven?
"Well done."
When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.
He once told me, I don't know where Adam and Eve is...
Are, I corrected. And they're in heaven.
I don't know where Adam and Eve are, he corrected. But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.
Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?
1. Cain. He wasn't Abel....
2. Moses. He took 2 tablets....
3. Balaam. He couldn't move his a**...(it's in the Bible, look it up)....
4. King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.....
5. King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.....
Something to offend everyone...
In Heaven:
The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.
But in h**...:
The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the engineers. And the Italians run everything.
What does an angel use to light his cigarette?
[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)
What kind of cigarettes does he have?
[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)
Princess Diana goes to heaven...
Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim
A woman's husband dies, and she spends many years as a widow, missing him terribly.
In time, she too passes away, and is excited to see her husband in heaven.
She runs up to him, ready to give him a big hug, saying, "I've missed you so much!"
The husband says, "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. The deal was 'til death do we part.'"
Karens husband dies...
Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.
Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?
Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?
Bill and Joe were best friends...
Bill and Joe were best friends since they were kids and had always shared an extreme love of baseball. One day, when Bill was on his deathbed, Joe asked him to find a way to tell him if there was baseball in heaven. Bill promised he would.
A few months after Bill had died, Joe woke up in his bed to the ghost of Bill calling his name.
"Bill!" Joe exclaimed
"Joe!" 'I have good news and bad news, The good news is there's baseball in heaven!"
"That's great Bill, but what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Tuesday"
My mother's dying wish was, "Never change who you are...
"...I've put up with you enough on earth; I don't want you bugging me in Heaven too"
So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.
Little Susie says, In Heaven!
Little Amy says, In my heart!
Little Johnny says, In my bathroom!
Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.
I don't know, I just hear my dad every morning b**... on the bathroom door and yelling 'Jesus Christ are you still in there?!'
What's gambling like in heaven?
It's a pair-a-dice.
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
Mrs Donnelly: m**...? You took me husband Donnie on da trip to Guinness brewery, and heres you are alone. Where's me Donnie?
m**...: Its terrible news, miss. Donnie were leanin over one of those great big vats of stout, fell in and drowned.
Mrs Donnelly (starting to tear up): Oh lord in heaven... m**...! At least tell me he died quick.
m**...: I can't miss. He got out to pee three times.
Happy Saint Paddies ta ya all!
Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven.
They're bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, notices Newton and says: Ha, gotcha Newton! , but Newton just replies: Nah man, you got Pascal.
A woman took her husband to the doctor
The woman said "Doctor, for the last eight months my husband has thought that he is a lawnmower."
"Eight months?!" the doctor said, "Why in heaven's name didn't you bring him in sooner?!"
And the wife said "Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."
James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.
James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"
Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."
Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."
"I'm not kidding!" Black protested. "She killed me!"
**"Oh," James said, looking at his friend. "You're dead Sirius."** (dead serious)
Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered
As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .
John and Paul wanted to know if there is baseball in heaven
So they made a pact. Whoever died first would tell the other one if there is in fact baseball in heaven. John dies and he tells Paul, "I have good news and bad news". John says "The good news is yes, there is baseball in heaven". So Paul asks "So what is the bad news then" and John's reply is "The bad news is that you are pitching on Wednesday."
Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired
He had been a busy deity lately.
Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation.
Where?" rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!"
Well" replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there."
Ohh no! Not Earth!" says God, "I went there about two thousand years ago, s**... some chick, and they're *still* talking about it!
Jesus is in heaven, telling everyone about the time he rose from the dead
That's nothing said Buddha. When I died, I stayed dead!
A man sits next to a young girl on an airplane. She's reading her Bible…
Man: What are you reading about?
Girl: The story of Jonah getting eaten by a whale
Man: You can't seriously believe he was actually eaten by a whale and lived…
Girl: I do.
Man: How can you know
Girl: I'll know once I get to heaven and ask him
Man: What if he's not in heaven?
Girl: Then you can ask him.
Where does h**... fire come from?
A match made in Heaven.
An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?
He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.
I bet Billy Mays is up in heaven, partying
Like it's $19.99.
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died
Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' s\*\*t. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."
The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.
God calls from the heavens, it is time.
But Jesus and his friends can't hear over all the partying etc
On day 39, same thing. Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.
Still nothing.
On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he'll likely be ignored again. So he grabs a very loud megaphone and yells May I have your ascension please! May I have your ascension please
