In English Jokes
118 in english jokes and hilarious in english puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about in english that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest In English Short Jokes
Short in english jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The in english humour may include short english speaking jokes also.
- How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker? They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.
- TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...
FP - I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
- A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
- What do women put on their ear to look more attractive?... Their knees.
(Not sure if this one translates well to english) - How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is
- Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat. - My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania. Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.
- I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
- Should we create an English word for the 'day after tomorrow'? Or would that be too forward thinking?
Share These In English Jokes With Friends
In English One Liners
Which in english one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with in english? I can suggest the ones about english new and english translation.
- Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? Because the others are Not-Cs
- English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
- Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
- Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules!
- How many of the phrases in English are palindrome? Not a ton
- in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
- What is an english teacher's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird
- The three most well known languages in India are English, Hindi, and... JavaScript
- First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.
- I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish. Uno.
- Not to brag, but I'm fluent in 10 languages. English and Binary.
- My friends that majored in English always tell me the same thing Welcome to Starbucks!
- I wrote a poem about communism for my English class I had to share it with everyone
- An English bloke's gold ran away.. "A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.
- How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.
Silly In English Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about in english you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english small jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make in english pranks.
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
What's the Longest Word in English?
Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart
the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too
kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"
mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"
kid:"then why do you add carrots?"
mom:"because it makes it tastier"
Hot dog
(Half of this joke is translated from another language so i don't know if it's as good as the original when told in English)
Two foreigners come to United States for the first time.
They have very little knowledge about U.S. culture,
So they stop at a fast food place.
One sees hot dog on the menu and is shocked.
He tells his friend " look they eat dogs in U.S."
Intrigued he says he will try it
When his order arrives, he turns to his friend and says:
With my luck guess which part of the dog i got.
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
A man visits the doctor
and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?
Man: Ive visited the doctor
Friend: What did he say?
Man: 200 Dollars
Friend: Yeah, but what do you have
Man: I have 50 dollars
Friend: I Mean whats the problem?
Man: 150 dollars
I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried
There's only 1 rule in English
Their our know rules
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied...
"Yeah, right!"
Why God never got a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
I try to tell this joke in english :]
There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)
An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.
He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"
The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."
Hear are sum morre punny science jokes
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.
Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.
The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.
Chemistry puns Im in my element.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!
Edit 1 just thought of this.
What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN
I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English
My son.
Nope, still useless.
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students
He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive. For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it. But no double positive in English equals a negative."
A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!"
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English
It's made up of two other parts.
1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood s**... insects.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.
After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"
"Excuse me?" the woman replied.
"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanish, you can go back to Mexico."
"Sir, I was speaking Navajo, which was a language of this country long before you came here," the woman replied, "If you want to speak English, you can go back to England"
Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?
The Saurus
This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...
A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells out to the chef "yo beans, make another plate".
In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.
I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.
A friend of mine is really set on becoming the first emperor of Asia, He's pursuing a PhD in English Literature...
When I asked him why chose English Literature he said he wanted to be "a great reader".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I first came to the US. I stayed at a hotel with a rodent problem. I tried to call front desk but I didn't know how to say mouse in English.
Hello sir how can I help you?
Do you know Tom and j**...?
Yes sir.
j**... is here.
I was watching Star Wars in English Class
And a classmate says "metaphors be with you"
What's the difference between autocorrect and my kid?
Autocorrect knows every single word in english, except for swears.
A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue
He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".
"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."
"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.
Why do witches and wizards do well in English class?
They're really good at spelling
Always pray in English...
Mr. Sharma, a Hindu suffered a heart attack. The paramedics arrived and put Mr. Sharma in the ambulance and raced towards the hospital. Realizing his time had come, Mr. Sharma started reciting the Hindu prayer, "Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om..."
10 minutes later the paramedics brought him back to his house. His wife was aghast and asked the paramedics why they brought him back home?
The paramedics replied, "as soon as we were on our way, he kept shouting hurry home, hurry home, hurry home, so we brought him back..."
How many mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Juan.
*SPOILER* - For those who dont get it, if u say "juan" in spanish, it sounds like "one" in english.
George W. Bush visits Algeria.
As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."
In English what letter comes after E?
N
Two mexican children are learning how to count in english
The first one asks: "What was it that comes after twenty?
The second one absentmindedly replies: "What?"
To which the first one angrily responds: "Twenty, Juan!"
A guy came up to us on the beach in Ensenada the other day and said in English, Did you hear about the kidnapping a few minutes ago? It happened right over there...
The kid was fine though. They just woke him up.
It took me about eight seconds to get it...
My friend Barry passed away.
It was a truly sad day when we had to bury Barry Berry. (joke only works in English)
What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer : Incorrectly
Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English
2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see the moon every night, do you ever see Australia?"
Learning English
So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.
Exam
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.
Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, you're just lazy.
Okay, said the man.
Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
Why should you never use double negatives in English?
Because they're just a no-no.
Why do I not post jokes in English?
Because I have no sense of EUmer.
Zwei Gin Bitte!
During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
How do you say?
How do you say ''Hablas Español'' in English?
Do you speak Spanish?
No, that's why I'm asking?
So I had this dream of eating a large marshmallow
The scary part was when I woke up I found my pillow missing.
*Took this off an essay example thing we were given in English, thought it'd be pretty funny to post on here
A mexican boy in english class...
A mexican boy in english class passed a note to his friend. The teacher saw it, and screeched "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
To which he replied, "writing an esé"
What does "Kremlin" translate to in English?
White House.
In English grammar, periods are very important. They can alter the entire meaning of what is being said.
For example,
Johnny was on his trampoline, moving up and down in total bliss.
Johnny was on his period, moving up and down in total bliss.
A man is at a police station to file a case.
The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"
To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"
Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"
Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."
Cop: "¿Conocías al víctima?"
Man: "ENOUGH! I'm here to file a case and I DID NOT EXPECT A SPANISH INQUISITON AT ALL!"
Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)
Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them says: Shouldnt we learn any languages? The other says: Why sould we? That guy knows so many languages but they still useless.
After my flight arrival in Munich . . .
After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.
I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.
I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."
What's the hardest word to say in English?
Sorry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me : "What's the WiFi password?"
Waiter : "Smile first."
Me : *smile*
Waiter : "......Smile first. No space."
**I found this on Twitter but the original joke isn't in English.
I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature.
I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
A waiter approaches a table celebrating their daughters graduation...
Father: Our daughter just graduated from SCU with an English degree!
Waiter: That's so great! Congratulations! I actually have a Master's degree in English Literature myself. Can I get you folks started with some chips and salsa?
What's a word in English that is both a word and sentence
"Prison". Although some may claim it is actually "marriage".
I say same difference.
Is any word in English more annoying than "bae"?
Maybae not.
Political Joke
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
How do Spider-Men get good in English?
They consult the Webster dictionary.
I love using Latin phrases in English
And vice versa
I finally learned what La Quinta means in English
Behind Denny's
I was talking to a German in English the other week, but he was struggling to understand me.
Although he wouldn't have had a problem if his ancestors had fought a bit harder
England and Ethiopia recently played each other in a football match
After a tough match, with both opponents clashing, the scoreline ended in English 8 - Ethiopia Didn't
Why do many latinos major in english?
Because of all essays
READ THESE LETTERS IN ENGLISH FOR FUNNY PHRASE IN SPANISH
2 T N S L P P B N T S O
What are some of the funniest foreign names you have come across that unintentionally sound funny in English?
I once met a guy called "Sukhdeep"
It's Great That So Many People Are Getting Degrees in English
I mean, how else would the pizzas get delivered?
Siri:
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
I did have to ask for a joke in English, as the first time Siri said she would, but I wouldn't understand a joke in her language.
How do you say nachos in English?
How do you say nachos in English?
Mine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am an actual real house cat.
After I take a b**...-hit I SWEAR I can type in English for about 60 secmeow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: "Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement."
I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code."
After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one."
I asked my Spanish teacher what "no se" meant in English..
..he said he didn't know.
What does La Quinta mean in English?
Next to Denny's
Most people done believe me when I tell them Canada's Prine Minister as well as many Canadians can't pronounce the "th" sound when speaking in english, but ...
... it's Trudeau.
Need help with this Japanese word, commonly used in English, B..k.., seen so many pictures...
Wait, just remembered.
Bokeh.
Nurse to the doctor....
Nurse: Dr the malingerer in room 7 just died.
Dr: oh come... now he´s exaggerating.
hope its funny in english :O in german it is ^_^
Scott Summers (X-Men) is dead..
...by watching his navel.
(I don't know if this joke works in English)
How to say 'hello' in English with a German voice?
[Heil](#s)
